Title: Gone (1/1)
Author: Amanda
Rating: PG-13, for good measure
Category: Dan/Jan
Season: Seven
Spoilers: Major Heroes spoilers here, so turn back if you don't want to be spoiled. Slight ones for Crystal Skull, Abyss, Changeling and pretty much any ep where Daniel is injured. I think that's it.
Series: This is the companion to "Lost," so if you haven't read that, it might be helpful to, but I think this makes sense without it.
Warning: Character death. Tissue warning to be on the safe side.
Archive: D/J, yes. All others, please ask.
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, obviously. If they were, this wouldn't be happening.
Author's Note: Again, I blame and thank Katie. And thanks to all those who gave me such good feedback on "Lost." Hope you enjoy this one as well. Now I think I need to start writing happy fics. What do you guys think?
I'm gone.
Just like that. Forever. I'm there but no one can see me, much like what happened with Daniel and the crystal skull. But going back to the planet where this happened won't do any good. It can't bring me back or make me visible again. I'm just gone.
There was nothing I could do to save myself. All those years in med school, all those years as a doctor and I couldn't even save myself. It's kind of ironic really. I've been saving everyone who goes through the gate for the last seven years from everything from staff weapons blasts to alien viruses and I couldn't even do anything to save myself when the time came. It sucks. Big time. You have no idea.
I'm practically the universe's expert on staff weapon wounds and I couldn't do a damn thing to try and keep myself alive. As soon as I was hit, I knew it wasn't good; it was fatal. Daniel tried to tell me I'd be getting to the Stargate, but I knew I wouldn't get through alive. There was too much damage.
That day, I had wanted to say so much more than just "I love you," but at first Daniel told me not to speak and then when I got him to listen to me, it just hurt too much to talk.
There was so much that needed to be said and now I'll never have the chance. I didn't ascend to a higher place like he had; I can't drop by for a visit like he did with Jack and Teal'c. I'm here watching him but he can't see me, doesn't know I'm there.
So I'm standing here, watching over Daniel as he sits in his room after the memorial; the memorial for me and all those who died that day. I know what he's thinking, because I'm thinking the same thing. He's going over the events of that day, watching my death over and over again in his head, probably wandering what he could have done differently. But there was nothing, I know that. I'm sure he knows it deep down somewhere, but I can't reassure him, can't reach out to him.
There was a plus side to that day, though. I died in the arms of the man I love, the man who loves me. It may not seem like much, but when you know there's nothing that can save you, it's good to know you're dying in the arms of a loved one. But again, I can't tell him this, tell him how much it means to me that he was there with me through the end. Not that I expected anything less from him. He did everything he could for me, held me as I slipped away. I couldn't imagine going any other way than dying safe in Daniel's arms.
I watched as he held me, crying, oblivious to the war going on around him. If only I could have done something; something to save myself, something to try and ease his pain. Anything.
Sam found us and I could see her fight back her emotions. I walked to her and laid a hand on her shoulder, trying to reassure her, even if she couldn't feel it. I followed them to the gate, went through with him. I saw the look on the general's face as Daniel walked by, my body on the stretcher in front of him. It was a look that said, "Why?" Nothing more, nothing less. I wished I could have explained it, but I didn't have the answer. I don't think anyone did.
I watched as he sat with my body, holding my hand to his cheek. Heard every word he said, blaming himself for our short time together. I wanted to tell him that we were both to blame, that I had held back just as much, if not more, than he had. I wanted to say that no one had ever made me feel so much love in such a short amount of time. But I couldn't. I tried everything to get him to feel me, to sense me. Didn't work. I touched his hand, spoke his name. Nothing.
Well, that's not entirely true. I swear there was a moment there when he sensed me. He was about to leave and he just paused by the door, ready to turn around. Then he kept on walking.
He left me and went to his room. I followed, watched him cry. God, it's difficult to watch the man you love cry, especially when you're the reason behind his tears. I've never seen anything more heart-wrenching in my life. And I've seen some pretty bad things in my time.
After awhile, he was still crying and I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't bear to see him cry any longer. I left his room, whispering a goodbye as I went through the door.
~*~*~
So here I stand, watching him in his room. The memorial's been over for a while. I was hoping Daniel would have changed his mind about speaking, but I guess I should have known better. He wouldn't risk breaking down in front of everyone. Emotions were high in the gate room, everyone was thinking about those that were lost. I was one of the ones they were thinking and talking about. It's still a little hard to believe that I'm not there, at the SGC, with my friends and my Daniel.
He's staying with Cassie. This makes me very happy. She'll need someone to be there for her. I always said I wouldn't leave her like her real parents had. I guess I broke that promise, but the situation was beyond my control. She'll see that, won't she? If only I could have had the chance to say goodbye to her.
That will always be what I regret the most about my death. I never got the chance to say goodbye to my family, my friends. It was so sudden I barely got the chance to say goodbye to Daniel.
The night I died, I watched the two of them together; watched as Daniel told her of my fate, as they talked on my bed, comforting each other. All I'll say about that is that it's very rude to talk about some while they're in the room, but I guess they didn't know that. But I guess it was good to hear them talk, to share their stories about me. I'd honestly forgotten some of the things Cassie was telling Daniel.
I sat on the bed and listened to their stories, some making me laugh, some cry. But it was good to see them together, comforting each other.
~*~*~
I've lost track of the time. How long has it been since I've been gone? Somewhere around four days, I think. But I could be wrong. I've spent all my time watching over Daniel and Cassie, making sure they're taking care of themselves.
Daniel's decided to move into my house and take care of Cassie. That means the world to me. I know that Sam offered, but his mind was made up; he was moving in. I know that they will be able to watch over one another and take good care of each other now I that I can't.
He told Cassie he wanted to leave the SGC. I don't want to be the reason he leaves. I know in my heart he won't go through with it; the SGC is his life. He's left SG-1 already. I know it hurts him to think about going through the gate again, especially since it seems to take everything away from him. Sha're, me. If only he could see that the gate also brought him Sha're and me, however short a time we had together.
And I know that if he did go through the gate anytime soon, he would be distracted and end up injured and I wouldn't be there to comfort him. Or he could end up with me, not that I want him to die. Cassie needs him. I don't think she could handle losing me and then Daniel so soon after. All those times he'd come through injured, I'd been able to help him, kept him from dying. I don't want to be the reason he meets his fate before he should.
I look over his shoulder as he looks through my photo album. I know I shouldn't be here, shouldn't keep coming back to watch him. It's only going to make the wait for him to join me that much longer and harder. Because I will wait for him, however long it takes. I should leave him alone, let him be alone; I know that's how he handles his grief. But I just can't leave his side, even if he doesn't know I'm there.
I miss him. I miss his arms, holding me tight. I miss talking to him, making love with him. All I want right now is to reach out and touch him but I can't. I miss that the most. The simple touches that meant so much, more than words ever did between us.
That's what I loved about our relationship. The littlest things meant so much. We could sit together in silence, just looking at each other and the room would be filled with everything that needed to be said. We didn't need words to say how we felt, we just knew. We were only together for a short time but we knew exactly how one another felt. We had a connection and now that's gone.
He heads toward the bedrooms and ends up in mine. I know he's been telling himself to sleep in the guest room, but he always ends up where he is now. Just like I tell myself to leave him and I end up following him around. I guess the connection is not completely gone.
I stand at the end of bed as he lies down and curls up on his side. I just wish I had one more chance to tell him how I feel, how much I love him. If only we had had the chance to say a proper goodbye. If only we had had more time to love each other.
There are just too many "ifs". It's too late now and I can only hope for the time when we can be together again, so we can pick up where we left off.
I move to the side of the bed and sit down as he turns onto his back, looking at the ceiling. I touch his cheek and I swear he could feel me because he speaks.
"I'm lost without you, Janet."
"I know, baby, I know. I'm lost without you, too."
I wait until he falls asleep, restless as it is. I move toward the door, turning back to look at him, sleeping in my bed.
"I'm waiting for you, Daniel. Never forget that. I love you."