Speas

Chapter 1

The pain ripped through me. My head screamed in a silent room filled with darkness and a deep sense of loneliness. Physically everything is ok. Mentally the world is coming crashing down around me. I can turn to no one. The jagged edges of pain stab sharply in my brain as thoughts of hate, fear and the hopelessness of everything seep in, all thoughts of hope; happiness and the promise of tomorrow are there but are dimed to the point of being a dream. I want to lay there and never get up, I want to go out and walk until I collapse of exhaustion, I want to run away and never look back.

Depression

That's what the shrink diagnosed when my friends dragged me to see him. I hate doctors of any kind. Always trying to dissect you either physically or figuratively. What use are they? If you're going to die then why stop the inevitable? Why stop the pain that is such a large part of being human?

I have thoughts swirling through my head of hate, of sadness and loneliness. I don't have the will to live but am to cowardly to do anything but imagine my demise. On my drive to work I imagine my car sailing over a bridge, a scant moment of freedom and weightlessness….what a wonderful thought, or perhaps speeding up the car on the highway to amazing speeds before my car trips into the back of the car or truck ahead taking me away….Why would I burden my friends with this? How can I expect them to understand? I get blamed for things that are out of my control….things said in the heat of anger and even my indifference is received negatively. There is no winning in my world. There is no living.

But what can I do to change it? You read in the news all the time that someone snapped and committed murder or suicide. But that's not me….at least the murder part. No human has the right to take another humans life. But one's own is another story….but again I am a coward.

No one knows who I am…they only see what I show. The smiles, the happiness, the airheaded-ness. It's easier that way. No one should suspect… I will not be responsible for someone else's discomfort. And yet the closest of my friends seem to pick up something is wrong….Makes me think harder…what did I do or say to bring suspicion upon myself? I can never relax, never be truly happy. I love being alone with my thoughts but know how dangerous that is as those thoughts clamor in and refuse to leave. I love being in a crowd but it only helps put a stamp of truth on my pathetic existence when I compare who I am to who they are…my friends and colleagues. All of them go about life with ambitions, hopes and dreams. I force myself to have those when in reality I don't care. I just want to be alone. In an endless darkness where no one will ever be able to reach me.

I know there are ways to disappear. To change identities and move far, far away. I have thought about it but again am a coward. It's funny how much of a chicken I am. I'm afraid to live and afraid to die, afraid to stay and afraid to leave. I am useless, one of those mistakes that never should exist.

I try to keep positive by reading but everything out there has some instance of love in it…another emotion that I don't believe in. Reading makes me smile and I pretend for a moment I am the female character at odds with the male character, knowing in the end it all works out….but I'm not. When the story ends my sad pathetic life settles into my mind again and I want to cry….but I don't cry. That is a luxury I don't have.

Sometimes I wish for physical pain, for someone to hit me…just so I can try to feel alive….but the old me would never stand to be abused and that trait is still prominent in me today.

I am no one and am nothing….I don't know what to do. Do I follow society and conform…even though it will be introducing someone to my bleak, horrid life? Or do I disappear, leaving my loved ones in confusion and sorrow at my disappearance? I know I'm loved but I can't seem to care…

What's the answer?

How will I survive?

Why should I live?

I just want sleep…..