A/N: Just to let you know this is complete and utter parody- making fun of cliches in Pride and Prejudice fanfictions. Sometimes it annoys me that people completely ignore Darcy's faults (aka, the things that make him HIM) and they always seem to emphasize Elizabeth's flaws. Elizabeth is one of my favorite heroines of all fiction, so seeing everyone make her so horribly un-Elizabeth-like, like making her extremely beautiful, making her adore getting expensive jewels (despite preferring simplicity,) and just making her completely unreasonable. So enjoy my extremely stupid parody.
It was a perfect, sunny day, completely uncharacteristic for England. Pemberley, the biggest, and most beautiful estate in all of the world practically sparkled in the light. Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy was looking as handsome as ever (and he was very handsome- just ask any debutante of the ton!) His cravat was such a bright shade of white that it could be seen for miles, and his waistcoat was a blue that perfectly matched his eyes. Ever so handsome! Just as he began writing love poems to his dearest wife Lizzie, the door opened and the object of his affection sauntered into the room. "My dear! How are you this afternoon?" he questioned in his ever so perfect voice.
"Absolutely terrible, thanks to you! How dare you be nice to my family by inviting them for Christmas?" She spat angrily, turning away from him. He stared at her with love, not getting angry or annoyed, (because he was perfect after all,) and simultaneously pulled out an emerald necklace so fabulous and ornate that it would make a nun quit the monastery to be with him. Elizabeth stopped in her tracks, now happier than ever to receive jewels, and she accepted them without question. "Wow! I'm so happy I've given up my foolish dislike of ostentatious things, borne from the fact that I grew up living a simple life with a loving family where blandishments like this weren't needed for happiness! Now I can forgive you for my foolish anger!"
He smiled at her, his teeth suspiciously white considering the time era. "Get ready my love, tonight we're going to a ball!" he proclaimed, swooping her into his arms and passionately kissing her. She swooned before standing up and backing away from him. "I must go get ready!" the brunette said, flouncing out of the room. Darcy smiled after her, so happy that he convinced her to love him.
Meanwhile, in Elizabeth's private dressing room, her lady's maid was fretting over what to do with her hair. "Oh la la! I do not know what to do wiz' your hair mon' cherie!" Frenchie bemoaned. For some reason, instead of promoting a chambermaid to her lady's maid, or letting Elizabeth choose, Darcy imported a blonde French woman. Elizabeth didn't mind though, because despite their differences in elevation, Frenchie loved to gossip and talk about intimate matters with her Mistress. "Oh just do something simple Frenchie," replied Elizabeth with a gracious smile. Frenchie proceeded to put Elizabeth's hair in the most complicated set of curls with diamonds encrusted into each and every strand! So simple! "Thank you Frenchie! Now time to help me get dressed- it's not like I wouldn't be uncomfortable with someone I barely know getting me dressed when it had been just Jane and I for the past eighteen years!"
After Elizabeth was dressed, she came down the stairs slowly, making sure that Darcy saw how wonderful she looked in her emerald green dress that matched her eyes (or were her eyes brown... or blue?) He gasped loudly at her, seeing how beautiful she looked. "Oh my dear! I love you!" Darcy cried out passionately. She smiled brightly, kissing him as passionately as he spoke to her. "Let's go!" The two merrily went to their carriage, practically feeling each other up as they went to the ball.
They pulled into the lane of the manor, but it didn't affect either of them, seeing as they both lived in Pemberley. When they entered the house, all talking ceased- Darcy had almost forgotten that it was his wife's first time in society as the new Mrs. Darcy! Everyone stared at her, all the men immediately lusting after her super beautiful beauty. The women all immediately accepted her, because she looked amiable. All thoughts of her background were forgotten within the first ten minutes of the night! So they danced and dined, and had as much fun as they possibly could have in a single evening. But alas, that would not last. The moment they entered the carriage, Elizabeth became completely irrational and angry.
"How dare you not tell me you once ate supper with Miss Amelia Snipwood! She very well thought you were in love with her and I daresay I agree!" Elizabeth's face was flushed red and her brown eyes (blue... green?) were sparkling in the low light of the carriage. Darcy shook his head at her foolish childishness, "Lizzie, we were friends and I only ate dinner with her because she looked like you!" Now Elizabeth looked ashamed, and tears welled up in her eyes.
"Oh my darling, you are right! This is just like with Wickham- how I only knew you as an arrogant rich man who called me ugly and ignored all social rules of conduct that you preach about, and then a man who was kind to me told me about how you screwed him over and I believed him... how foolish I was! I'm sorry that I'm such a child and nothing I say or do is rational. You're so perfect and handsome! I love you."
So when the two got home, they made passionate love. Then the next morning, Elizabeth paused, realising that she was indeed pregnant after only two weeks of marriage and no ways to indicate it!
And they lived happily ever after with a perfect, infallible, completely uninteresting Darcy. The end.