Jenny and Charkies amazing LOTR Fan Fiction
It's almost as interesting as my Grandad's dentures.
Frodo ventured into the deep, dark lair of the LOTR Fanclub. It was scarier than all of his previous adventures mixed together into some form of petrifyingly rich chocolate cake.
'Yum,' Thought Frodo, as his inner-monologue began almost drooling with the image of luxurious cocoa... 'Maybe it wouldn't be so petrifying; I could do with some food after all that elf crud... Wait... What the…?"
There was a quiet mumbling just ahead of him.
"Whoa... Holy hobbit feet! " He shrieked. What stood before him was even more terrifying than the previously petrifying but now, so tempting cake.
He stared hoplessly into the darkness, his large blue eyes adjusting slowly to the lack of light.
It was an army of lookalikes! They all looked like him but twisted into sinister, ugly forms… He gasped in terror as one of the tribe walked up to him.
"Welcome Lord Frodo… King of the Fanclub." It said, even trying to mimic his beautiful voice.
Frodo gulped nervously, "The Fanclub?"
"Yeah, shorty... I mean Lord Frodo..." added a rather plump Frodo clone. "This is the land of the fan, the lair of the umm… Bare feet…"
"Then, why do you all look like me!"
"ALL HAIL LORD FRODO" The crowd of hobbit wannabes cheered with amorous zest. "BEARER OF THE RING"
One rather overweight woman wearing a Frodo T-shirt screamed "I LOVE YOU FRODO! MARRY ME! DON'T GO TO THE WEIRD ELFY PLACE! DON'T GO INTO THE GREY MIST! EVEN THOUGH WE'RE ALREADY HERE!"
Frodo smiled complacently, trying desperately to escape the clammy paws of his admirer. "Sorry miss, Im spoken for…"
"No you're not, you lie! You lie! I've read every book, you don't get married, you fiend! Sam does!" growled the woman.
"Darn it…. These people seem to know all about me… Mmmmm… Chocolate cake… No! Must figure out escape plan… if only Aragorn and Legolas were here, they could distract the fangirls…." He thought, plotting his escape, "I know… I'll get Gandalf to teleport me away… but what if there are some Gandalf fangirls…." He sunk deeper into his ponderings.
"Oi, Frodo…" rasped someone standing behind him. "Follow us.. We know where Gandalf is." Frodo turned around slowly, behind him stood two bizarre girls. One wearing a beret, with a dress decorated with large black and white stripes. She obviously thought she was French. The other, equally puzzling, was garbed in a full ninja costume, clutching a flower in one hand.
"Why should I trust you? You look weirder than those freaks! "
"Because Gandalf sent us. We are his young apprentices… Jenny and Charkie!" declared the beret wearing girl, a.k.a Jenny, making grand hand gestures to ensure that Frodo knew just how important they were.
Frodo was amused by these mannerisms, trying to hold back a smirk. "So you're another one of them 'sucked into the television' people..? I mean… I don't mind… but some of them are nuts."
"No, we were inconvienienced by an inter-stellar time warp, and, as you being such an impertinent chap would have guessed, lost several of our possessions. These possessions, as we shall call them, fell into the hands of your friend Gandalf the Grey, or the White or whatever. He agreed to trade them for your safe return." Charkie explained in her matter-of-fact voice.
Jenny sobbed, "He has my beloved denim jacket!"
"Well, all this about inter-stellar time warps is all fine and dandy but how do I know Gandalf actually sent you… Although you don't look like fangirls or normal nerds, this could all be a cunning disguise." Frodo accused spitefully,
"We have this," smiled Charkie, handing him a clump of golden hair "I believe it belongs to your friend Legolas. I have no idea why Gandalf had it, but hey…"
"Indeed. It is Legolas'. I could recognise the sweet smell of Loreal anywhere… Ah, he is worth it." Frodo's eyes twinkled.
"So, wanna get out of here or what?" Charkie asked impatiently.
"Yeah! I WANT MY BELOVED DENIM JACKET!" Jenny screamed… falling into a tantrum all too familiar to Charkie.
Frodo took a moment to think. When dealing with creatures as dangerous as teenage schoolgirls, one can never be sure where the line of reality is drawn. What if they had stolen Legolas' hair to sniff the Loreal but then again, that sounded like the kind of thing Gandalf would do. Taking a deep breath he said, "Ok. What's the plan?"
"Well, we trick the fangirls into thinking that we are one of them, no… that's too hard. Pfft. Like we would ever be fangirls. Aha! We shall just… Run." Charkie smiled. "3, 2, 1…."
"GO!" screamed Jenny hyperactively.
The three amigos… well, the two amigos and the hobbit… ran for their dear lives, hotly pursued by the force of darkness that was the army of fangirls (and some boys I might add ;) ). Soon they had reached the end of the Fanclub's demonic domain. Then they realised that they didn't actually have a clue where Gandalf's house was and that, once they stopped running, they would be very tired and had no cake… or even any icky elf bread.
"Hmm, we've been running for a while now, I think we lost them. We should set up camp" Jenny yawned, now hung over from the burst of sugary goodness. "I miss my sherbet."
"Indeed" agreed Charkie, and they set up camp. The fire blazed and they cooked some fish from the river. Frodo's heart melted as he recalled the old days with Smeagol and Sam, oh how he wished he could return to their land, and that Smeagol had not been destroyed. Then he also recalled the pain of his finger being bitten off, and all guilt for the demise of the corrupted hobbit melted too.
Suddenly, out of the murky gloom that was the dark and depressing forest, came a creature whose hair shone so brightly it could only be Legolas…. But it wasn't.
"Legolas? I can smell the hair care products from here." Frodo asked hopefully.
"No. It is I… the elf maiden Bethany." The elf maiden Bethany declared.
"Oh…" sighed Frodo. "I could have sworn that was Loreal I smelt."
"Nope." smiled Jenny amiably, "That was just the burning fish."
Charkie and Jenny greeted their friend and they all sat down for tea. Bethany explained that she had been brought to the land by being sucked into the book, as she so often had read it.
"So Beth, you know where Gandalf lives right?" Asked Jenny desperately,
"He's got my beloved denim jacket, and neither of us can remember wherehe lives."
"This turn of events would appear to be most unfortunate." Bethany sympathised, "But I do know where Gandalf lives… I visit him regularly to ask for advice on my spells, being as I am a young teenage wiccan. I shall lead you there in the morning… but first… we rest."
"I only have two sleeping bags." Jenny pointed out.
"Oh well…" Bethany said. "Being an elf I can sleep anywhere and I don't care about Frodo's sleeping arrangements."
Frodo was left sleeping on a makeshift mattress which Charkie had creatively made from leaves and twigs. She had also whipped up some bed side tables and a canopy to stop his complaining. He soon fell asleep.
In the morning, Frodo, Beth and Charkie were woken up to the sound of Jenny crying, again. She just couldn't live without her beloved denim jacket and was having a bad case of separation anxiety.
When they hit the road however, she felt more cheerful and began to sing a merry little song about the sun being warm. With this tune in the air, the morale of the whole team was boosted.
She sang tunefully, until Frodo hit her with a random twig.
"Shut up, you will wake the orcs…"
"There's no orcs in Grey Haven you twit," argued Jenny
"Yeah… well shut up anyway!"
"For crying out loud… Let her sing or she'll start crying and sulking again and that's ten times worse!" Bethany pointed out using her superior intellect and common sense.
They came to a fork in the road. One path looked reasonably walkable whilst the other winded ferociously, broken with large weeds growing through its tears.
The posse turned to the elf maiden Bethany for guidance; after all, she was the one who knew where Gandalf lived.
Then she did something completely unexpected…. She walked into the gap between the paths and disappeared! The remaining three gazed in awe at the swirly colours of mysteriousness where she had been.
"OOOOOOH! Purdy." Jenny commented causing Frodo and Charkie to look at her in a worried fashion. Without warning, Jenny walked into the gap and disappeared too, leaving Frodo and Charkie alone on a strange path with no guide or amusingly retarded sidekick.
"Oh well, what the heck." Charkie ran into the gap, she was thrown backwards as the portal refused entry. "Damnation! I knew I should have renewed my passport!"
Frodo ignored her and walked on through the portal, leaving Charkie stranded and humming random songs to herself.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch (a saying that here means, through the mysterious portal of doom and at Gandalf's house) Bethany, Jenny and Frodo stood before the ancient wizard.
"Here he is!" Jenny shouted gleefully, "I put up with his complaining and general nastiness all the way through the previous 4 pages and I'm sick of it. I WANT MY BELOVED DENIM JACKET BACK! NOW!"
"Yeah, and you weren't moaning at all, were you Jennifer!" said Frodo sarcastically.
Back at the road, Charkie watched as a strange woman walked by. "Excuse me?"
Charkie continued to stare, it sounded like it was in fact a man.
"Urm, Hello? Can I help you?" She asked confused.
"Im Legolas, have you seen a short man walk by here anytime lately?" Legolas enquired. He spotted the lock of hair protruding from Charkie's pocket. "Goodness, is that my hair? Where did you get it? Who are you!"
"Urm…" Charkie said blankly, "I got it from Gando, I mean Gandalf… By Short man do you mean Frod… er…? Frodo...? … Umm, Because Frodo went through the portal to see Gandalf. You can have your hair back; I don't like the smell of Loreal anyway."
"A ponderous coincidence that you should know Frodo and Gandalf and have my hair! Are you sure you're not a stalker, I can never be too careful about this kind of thing." Legolas asked suspiciously, something about this young teenage ninja didn't seem right.
"Uh huh. I am not a stalker, no sir. I just needed to fix my passport and didn't and now I can't go through the portal, but you can if you want. I'll just stay here and wait for my compadre Young Jennifer to return."
"Ok then I will." And with that bold statement Legolas disappeared, leaving Charlotte once again all alone on the forked passageway.
Back at the so-called ranch, Gandalf had returned Jenny's jacket and several packets of sherbert. This was met by much glee from Jennifer and a thankful smile from Frodo. He was now free from this looney. Hurrah.
They returned from the portal to find Charkie was gone, all that was left was a Frodo badge and some of Legolas's hair. Legolas returned from the portal too, quickly embracing Frodo as they walked off into the sunset. Leaving Jenny and Bethany in disbelief.
Jenny quickly identified the culprits as the Frodo fanclub and hatched a plan. With the help of Bethany and her fellow elf maidens, they captured Frodo and Legolas before they could leave the fanfiction forever and they set off to find Charkie.
Das Ende, or is it?