A/N: Although I might wish that they were mine, they're not. A girl can wish and play.
Trick-0r-Treat?
I swear, I don't know how these things always seem not to happen to me. Halloween used to be my favorite holiday, but anymore. Not since I went trick or treating with my nieces and my grandmother. Yes, of all things, I went trick-or-treating with a septuagenarian.
Grandma insisted that we all wear costumes and agreed until I saw the costume.
"You expect me to wear this in public!!! Where is the rest of the costume?"I stammered out, not believing what I saw.
"Ooh, look! Aunt Steph is going to be Cinderella for Halloween!" Angie exclaimed. "Hey, there is even a wig so you can look just like her." Digging deeper into the pile, she picked out a pair of vinyl pumps. "Plus, there's a pair of glass slippers."
Yeah, a slutty Cinderella. Disney would've died from a stroke if he could've seen this getup. "Grandma, it is a slip of a dress. You expect me to go door-to-door in the 'Burg in this," I whined.
"Maybe Aunt Steph will lose one of the slippers and meet Prince Charming like Cinderella did," Mary Alice chimed in.
Sure, like there was a snowball's chance in hell. Most nights were spent home alone enjoying some hydrotherapy with the aid of a shower massager. I hadn't had a social orgasm in months.
I know it was undignified but it was one thing to get slutty for a distraction job and another thing to go out with my nieces where I grew up. We were going through our parish, for God sakes. My CCD teacher lived two houses away.
"C'mon, time is a ticking. Let's get ready."
"Tell me again why we are doing this."
"Your parents left me a note. Val and Albert are going to a Halloween Bar Association dance, so we're watching the older girls. Your parents are taking Lisa for the evening. The poor baby has a double ear infection with a fever so she has to stay home."
"Okay, got it, but not so fast, Grandma. Before we go anywhere, I want to see what the girls are supposed to wear."
"What, ya think I would give them hoochie mama costumes? Steph, that is insulting. You've wounded me greatly."
"Save it, Granny! Considering what mine looks like, I can just imagine yours. So before we change, I'm making sure. Better safe than sorry."
"That's ironic, coming from Trenton's Bombshell Bounty Hunter."
"Don't forget… you were kind of my accomplice in many of my escapades. C'mon, quit trying to stall and distract me. Hand the rest of the costumes over."
"I'm hurt."
"There is not a ghostof chance we're getting dressed without me checking the other costumes."
"Here, spoilsport. Now you're getting to be like your mother and Valerie."
"Uh-huh, let's see them."
"Yeah, Nanny, we want to see our costumes," the girls pleaded in unison as if they were cued.
Grandma made a show of being reluctant, but the smile on her wrinkled face told another story. You could tell she was very pleased with herself. With a flourish, she pulled out two very different costumes. The girls' costumes were more appropriate, especially because of their youth. Mary Alice was what else, a horse. At first, she was going to be a black cat, but because for one reason or another, the price was too high, the size was too big or too small, or the simple fact that most horse costumes needed two people, she couldn't get a horse costume. Lying on the table was a magnificent horse costume. It was chestnut brown with hood with a yarn mane attached. By the rear was a ponytail that swished back and forth.
Grandma had outdone herself by finding the pattern at Simplicity and working long hours to get it done. That was not the only costume she made. The next costume was a surprise that was totally unexpected. For Angie, there was a Hires Root Beer Can costume. That was perfect for her, since she was neither a little girl nor a teenager, but something in-between.
I was pleasantly surprised, until she took her shirt and pants off and revealed what was underneath. Grandma had on an ultra revealing witch costume that showed way too much of her skinny stick arms and her wrinkled chicken legs. The dress was too short and the bodice way too low cut without any cleavage to hold it up.
It was a disaster, but I thanked the stars that it wasn't worse. Her blue eyes were ablaze with mischievous merriment as if she was daring me to say something about her outfit. I took the high road and didn't rise to the bait.
The four of us got ready for our night of trick-or-treating. I was hoping to score a big bag full of candy myself. Maybe I would be lucky and get some of my favorites. We decided to go east and then head back in a circular route, hitting as many houses as we could for candy. The girls were looking forward to this, because when they went with Val, she only took them to a few houses.
We were walking from door to door, getting a lot of goodies from each house. Things were going pretty well, despite the admiring looks from the fathers and the disapproving ones from the mothers, until we rang the bell of one Carmella Lopperfido.
The lady in question was a friend of Bella Morelli, and that alone did not endear us to her. There was also an unfortunate incident at Stiva's Funeral Home.
She had slicked black hair that was pulled back in a severe bun, exposing her widow's peak. She gave the allusion of being a vampire, even though she was wearing everyday clothes.
Even in her ridiculous get-up, Grandma was pretty recognizable. Mrs. Lopperfido took one look at Grandma and you could tell Grandma was not one of her favorite people. The woman's expression changed and seemed to imply that she had just tasted something that didn't agree with her.
"Edna Mazur, I can't believe you actually would ring my doorbell," Camilla said with a slight Italian accent. "You old busybody. You're a stripperof dead people's dignity. A menace to society and all that is holy. I guess that why you're dressed like a witch. You and your granddaughter look like putanas. That is no way to act before your great-granddaughters."
Grandma's sharp blue eyes shot lasers at the woman at the mention of the girls, but the woman paid no attention. Camilla kept spewing her venomous outburst at us.
"What gives you the right to act like a raging monkey?" the woman sputtered her face red and angry. "I couldn't believe that you had the gall to open my brother's casket. You have no respect for the dead."
"What's the matter with you? You look like you've drunk a gallon of lemon juice or some other kind of acid. Your face is so puckered, it looks inside out. Camilla, you're nothing but a hypocrite! Maybe you've should've cared more about Vincenzo when he was alive," Grandma retorted back.
"Why, you overgrown hussy. You were always chasing after my brother. Even in death, he couldn't escape you. How dare you criticize me!"
A screaming match began as the two elderly women traded insults back and forth like a tennis match. One thing led to another as candy corn and a variety of other candy went flying as the pushing and shoving reached a frenzied pitch. Then suddenly a bowl of candy toppled over Camilla's head. She looked the head of Medusa with twenty packages of Gummi worms on top of it.
In retaliation, Camilla smacked Grandma in the face leaving a huge red handprint on her cheek. Grandma went from being annoyed to ballistic. Grandma Mazur in rhino mode was a scary thing. She slugged Camilla right in the kisser, sending the other woman's dentures flying. The dental projectile landed in a THUD right into a Jack-a-Lantern, leaving it with a demented smile.
Camilla was livid and it looked like steam was coming out of her head. Hair was pulled and punches were exchanged. You would never expect two elderly women to behave so badly. That was not the way they should be acting with or without an audience.
There was quite a crowd witnessing their shenanigans. Some were even recording it on their cell phones. My poor nieces had their mouths wide open. Everyone was morbidly fascinated, as if they were seeing a train wreck. You couldn't pry your eyes away.Sweat was dripping from my blond wig, as I nervously thought that I should stop this.
After being rooted to the spot for a couple of minutes myself, I decided enough was enough. The whole situation was getting out of hand and someone was going to get hurt soon. Taking a step forward, I slipped on the candy littered everywhere on the porch. Never thinking it would be me getting hurt, I took a header down the porch steps. Reaching the ground, I hit it hard with a loud THUD. The pain was excruciating. Black spots appeared before my eyes before I lost my battle with consciousness.
When I reopened my eyes, I was upset to see I was at the ER at Saint Francis yet again. Maybe I could get a personal room or a frequent patient discount. "Shit, what am I thinking? I wonder if I am on pain meds. I'm not really making too much sense."
"No more than usual. You alright?" asked a husky male voice. "You look more like S-I-N-derella than Cinderella lying like that."
Turning my head too quickly, I saw Ranger sitting by my side, holding my shoe in his hands with a wolf's grin on his lips. His words and voice brought goose bumps to my skin.
Forcing myself to focus, I answered, "I'm okay. Just bumps, scrapes and bruises. Nothing serious, I hope. My shoe! I didn't even know I lost it. I guess I'm forever unaware of my surroundings. I can't even take my nieces trick-or-treating without fucking up. Tonight was definitely FUBAR'd!"
"Don't beat yourself up, Babe. You've been through a lot. Your grandmother…"
Suddenly panicking, I was all flustered as I inquired, "Grandma, what? Ranger, where is my family? My nieces? Is everyone alright?"
"Everyone is fine. Your grandmother and the woman were charged for disorderly conduct. Mrs. Mazur was released into your father's custody. I heard him mutter something about a crazy old bat and then he drove them home." Ranger paused and then continued. "You have a very scary family."
At this point, the physician's assistant came in to sew up the stitches on my leg.
"Ms. Plum, if your visitor is upsetting you, I can ask him to leave," the physician assistant said in a no nonsense type of voice.
My mouth dropped open as if I wanted to catch flies with it. I couldn't believe anyone would ever talk to Ranger in such a nonchalant way.
"Relax, Babe. This is my sister Alicia. Don't worry about me sending her anywhere."
Damn ESP, how the H-E-double hockey sticks does he do that anyway? And why are all the Merry Men so damn attractive? Is it a job requirement? "You know what would make me feel better? To see the Merry Men in costumes like they wore in Robin Hood. It would be fine to see them in tights. Delineating and showcasing every muscle in their legs."
"As much as they would love to make you feel better, Babe, my men refuse to dress as merry men. Period."
"Ugh, what just happened? I didn't mean to say that out loud! I just meant…I don't know what I meant." I groaned, feeling like an idiot." Good thing, I didn't say yum out loud, stupid Hungarian hormones,
"Babe, here, take this."
"Huh, what's this?"
"I believe you left this on Mrs. Lopperfido's porch. My men felt that they had to augment it with a few goodies. Being that it's Halloween, I won't try to persuade you to eat healthier. But just for today."
My eyes lit up as Ranger passed me the bag of all the contraband sweets with a package of Butterscotch Krimpets on top. Maybe Halloween wasn't a bust after all. Look, I just got two treats- Ranger and the sweets. What could be better I thought, when Ranger sat down and pulled me into his arms. Then I knew without question which of the two was the best.
Happy Halloween TO all!