You can have anything you want.
You can drift, you can dream, even walk on water.
Anything you want.
What do you want from me?
- Pink Floyd
Kira remembered that once he could laugh.
He didn't remember exactly when, though, for it had been too long. He didn't even remember when he had smiled for the last time. The only smile he had now was the one reflected in his eyes - an eternal smile of Gin Ichimaru.
Kira knew he had everything Shinigami could ever dream about - he was a Vice-Captain of one of Gotei 13 Division which provided him with respect, power, and duty he carried with dignity and gratitude. Kira knew in fact he had nothing. He was a puppet, he was submissive, and he was insignificant. His subordinates talked more behind his back than straight in his face - but if it ever hurt him, he had already forgotten. One shouldn't argue about the facts.
Sometimes Kira wondered why Gin Ichimaru had made him his Vice-Captain. This position was an honour and Kira had been absorbing it fully - it had been natural and joyful... until he had understood. It was a bitter knowledge that he was chosen not due to his virtues but due to his flaws. Since then his rank brought him only remorse.
Kira knew about his Captain more than anyone else, even though he knew only about half the truth. Due to his deep intuition he could tell for sure that Gin not always acted in Soul Society's best interest. If he wished to think more, he would found the bitter truth that Gin Ichimaru posed a threat to Soul Society. Of course, he didn't wish to think more. He knew he could turn to General Yamamoto and say one word - and then the world would change forever.
Kira's world would change the most.
Once Kira had saw a snake whose one glance had completely stripped the prayer of its will. The snake had slowly twisted his body around the chinchilla that hadn't even stir, though it couldn't take its eyes off the predator. It had known its fate had been forfeit but it couldn't run away. It was but later that Kira had realized the fear hadn't been the one which had kept it at spot, for it had been the fascination.
Kira never forgot it was Gin Ichimaru who had saved his life when his fate had seemed to be forfeit. His gratitude was a part of his fascination.
Once Kira had had friends, who had perhaps liked him - he couldn't be sure but then he had believed in this. The years of constant doubts about himself and everything around him had an impact on his personality and way of thinking. Kira knew that now he wouldn't hesitate and cross the swords with his former comrades if it was to protect his reality. He couldn't answer the question for how long he had felt like that but he got used to this thought which didn't shock him so much any more.
Once Kira had been in the Fourth Division, he had a knowledge of the wounds of soul as well as the injuries of the body. He knew that also for his own good - that meant but nothing compared to good of Seireitei - he should cut the thread that tied him with Gin Ichimaru, the sooner the better. His eyes were wide open - but the very though that he could lose his Captain, by whose side he walked so long that any other option was an absurd, filled him with the sheer terror. If Gin was a sun, then Kira was a moon reflecting his light. If Gin was a moon, then Kira was a shadow cast by his light. His existence had no meaning without Gin Ichimaru.
It filled him with the despair, so accurately represented by a marigold - a symbol of the Third Division. At times, Kira was sure the despair was the essence of his life. But there was something more...
Kira rose from his bedding and came up to the window. The moon, three-quarters full, silvered the area, long shadows arose in the places the light couldn't reach. The other side of the courtyard, there were Captain's private quarters, now dark. Gin left again, last time it happened more often. Sometimes Kira could stay by the window and wait forever until Captain's silhouette, bathed in the silver glow of the pale moon, would appear in the entrance to the Third Division grounds, and then without haste walk the wooden panels. Sometimes Captain could turn to look in Kira's window and wave his hand for greetings. Sometimes Kira could respond the same way before Captain would disappear behind the door of his apartment.
It was early today, he still had time to inform General Yamamoto who - if he wanted - could act quickly and ruthlessly...
Tomorrow, as usual, Kira will enter his Captain's office. He will be welcomed with a smile and he will hear, "G'mornin', Izuru". He will receive his orders and he will start a new day with Captain Ichimaru - for whom he was unimportant, but for whom he could be useful.
He turned and went back to his bed with a feeling that this night he would sleep until morning. Maybe tomorrow he will go to the General... Maybe the day after tomorrow...
Today he wasn't capable of breaking with his own hands the substitute of the only happiness he had ever had.