Disclaimer: Characters used are the property of Tolkien.

Author's note: Very OOC....

Warnings: Language and implied themes.

Frodo's Diary.

Day 1: Bag End

Hmm, Bilbo left...got inheritance....got a strange gold Ring....I'm set for life! Now I just have to keep those meddlesome cousins of mine away from it. It's all mine damn it! It says so in the deed! On another note I think Rosie has a crush on me. She wanted to dance with me and went on and on about how handsome I was. Why are people so obsessed with me? I finally pushed Sam at her just to get her to leave me alone. Ha ha ha! The look on Sam's face when she grabbed him was priceless!

Day 20: Bag End/Woods

Gandalf tells me my Ring is the one Ring and that I have to leave Bag End to head to Rivendell. Damn it. Just when I was getting all comfortable and getting Bilbo's elderly stink of this hole I have to get up and leave. Then, to make matters even better Gandalf found Sam hiding in the bushes and he orders him to follow me. Great, nothing like having a peeping tom/stalker to accompany me on a dangerous journey. Halfway into the woods Gandalf leaves us. I was quite happy seeing how he smells like he hasn't taken a bath in several months. Sam has been looking at me funny. I caught him stroking my hair when I was taking a nap. Why does everyone have to touch me?

Day 22: Crickhollow

Argh, I should have seen this one coming. Merry and Pippin have been spying on me along with Sam. Everyone has been calling me paranoid but I knew they were stalkers! This definitely proves it! Later, I took a bath. Felt very uncomfortable seeing Merry, Pippin, and Sam watching me. They actually wanted to use one tub instead of four, said it would be fun to take a group bath. Yeah right. Then, when I tried to get out the filthy buggers stole my towel and wouldn't give it back. I had to use the soapsuds to cover my shame and my ass. As I walked away they pointed and giggled. Wound up locking my door last night....they were planning something....I just know it....I'm not paranoid....

Day 23: Old Forest/Tom's house

Ha ha ha ha! This had to be the best day of my life!! I fell asleep by a stream and when I woke up my cousins were trapped inside a tree!! The tree was actually trying to swallow Merry and Pippin! Ha ha ha! I wanted to leave them in there but Sam insisted that we pry them out. Well, we tried for minutes but the tree would only take them in deeper. I thought it was a lost cause and insisted on leaving when this weird singing guy dressed in funky clothing popped out of no where. He got the tree to spit out Merry and Pippin. I felt very sad. Then, I met Tom's wife, Goldberry, and was very happy......then, I tasted her food and was very sad again. That woman may be hot but she can't cook for crap! I woofed it down nonetheless....besides what else am I to do, eh? I have to be a gracious guest and I have to eat at least six meals a day to keep my strength up. How does Tom put up with her cooking? It's only one day. I can survive. I had to share a room with Merry, Pippin, and Sam. Now I'm feeling very scared.

Day 24: Old Forest/Tom's house

Damn it!! It's raining out!! I have to spend another day in this stuffy house and eat shity food! You wouldn't believe what that woman made today!! She made an omelet and the egg wasn't cooked all the way! The damn thing was dripping all over the place! I have never tasted anything worse in my life! I would rather eat the mud outside! Merry and Pippin seemed to like it though but they're just odd. In fact, they've been pretty odd ever since birth. Tried to hand the Ring to Tom but he wouldn't take it. Damn. Had to spend another night with Merry, Pippin, and Sam. Can you imagine my joy? They were bumping and grinding me all night. In the morning they swore they were only dreaming. I think there's something going on here....

Day 25: Old Forest/Barrow Downs

Yes!! I finally get to leave this forsaken house today! As we left Goldberry came prancing out after us. I was actually worried for a second. I mean, there's no getting rid of these people! She waved and tossed us some food that I dumped into a nearby stream down the path. Ha ha ha! The fish came floating to the top. After hours of walking we finally came to this creepy area that Tom had warned us about. Now what did he say? Go around the Barrow Downs or go in the Barrow Downs? I'm sure he said go into....Got separated from the others in the fog. I felt quite at peace until this shape came looming over me. Passed out....typical me. Soon, I woke to find myself in a tomb feeling strangely satisfied....and sticky....I don't want to know...Merry, Pippin, and Sam were unconscious on the floor. An ugly hand came through reaching for Sam so I chopped it off. Felt kind of good to hurt something. Tom came along and killed the Barrow-wright and then led us out of the forest. A fowl smell was in the wind....we must be close to Bree.

Day 26: Bree/Prancing Pony

Well, we arrived at the inn today and guess what: Gandalf isn't here!! Damn that old man and his dementia! Probably forgot that he was supposed to meet us here! Grr! On a side note there's was this strange man, known as Strider, in the corner staring at me. I felt strangely attracted to him....but lost it when I noticed his greasy hair and overall filthy appearance. Saw Pippin talking to some men at the bar. The dumbass actually blurted out my name! To distract everyone I jumped on the table and began to dance, sing, making a fool out of myself but hey, it got their attention. Then I fell off the table and the Ring slipped on my finger. When I took it off Strider grabbed me and hauled me up the stairs. He threw into the room and I landed on my knees. I think he was staring at my butt but then again it was pointing straight up in the air so how couldn't he? I was told a bunch of stuff that I've already forgotten and then my cousins along with Sam burst into the room trying to defend me. Actually felt feelings of love for them....but then they hugged me and wouldn't let go. Back to normal now. In the middle of the night the black riders trashed our room. The noise they made was unbearable! How is a hobbit supposed to get any beauty sleep around here?! We're heading out in the morning and we're going to cut through the woods. Sounds like so much fun.

Day 35: Forest/Weathertop

Traveling has been hard. I have a callus on foot and it hurts so bad! Sam offered to carry me but I refused. Later that evening Strider left us alone....which seems somewhat stupid to me. Got stabbed by a black rider. Ow. Strider came at the last moment and saved us. Figures....decide to come after the fragile little hobbit is hurt. Ow....my shoulder....pain....

Day 36?: Forest?

I don't know what was going on.....I only know I was on top of a horse and passing in and out of consciousness. Then, this elf woman was on the horse with me and we were riding. Felt somewhat happy. The woman smelled pretty good....I wonder if she can cook....The black riders popped out of no where and all hell broke lose. For a minute I thought I was going to be captured when I saw one of them reach for me. We made it to the river though and she told them: "If you want him...then come and claim him." Who does this woman think she is and what is she trying to prove? Passed out.....

Day 40: Rivendell

Woke up to find Gandalf sitting next to me and he told me why he couldn't meet us at Bree. I met back up with my cousins and Sam who nearly hugged the life out of me. They do know that my shoulder still hurts, right? Met up with Bilbo....nothing much happened there. Went to a council to discuss the Ring and I volunteered to take it to Mt. Doom. Hey, anything to get away from those three meddlesome hobbits. Then, all three of them came out of no where and insisted on coming. I'll never get rid of them. Some other people I don't know joined and so formed the Fellowship. I don't like the one called Boromir. He's been looking at me funny....I think he's thinking evil thoughts about me....

Day 46: Some mountain....somewhere....

Leave it to Gandalf to pick a path up in the freezing mountains. I feel down the slope but Strider caught me. When I reached for the Ring I found it was missing and just ahead of me on the snow. Boromir picked it up and Strider ordered him to give it back to me. Boromir did and he ruffled my hair. Grr! What does he think I am...a child?! I wonder if he would like a tiny bite hole in his thigh! I couldn't see over the snow bank so Strider carried me. Felt nice and cozy warm....Felt attracted to him once again. An avalanche fell on us....I was cold....couldn't breath...then Strider dug me out. Hmm, it seems like he's been helping me a lot lately....he must be up to something. Gandalf decided it would be best to go through the Mines of Moria. Why didn't he think of that before? Oh, yeah, he has dementia. Caught Boromir staring at me again....

Day 52: Outside the Mines of Moria

We've been sitting here for over an hour now because Gandalf can't figure out the password on the door. I suggested that he say friend and when he did the door opened! Leave it to a hobbit to figure something out! When we were about to walk in a tentacle grabbed me and tried to drag me in the water. Sam made himself useful for once and chopped it off but then more tentacles shot out pushing them away. The creature grabbed me once again. Why does everything come after me? Strider saved me...as usual. Got trapped in the mines. Oh happy day. Saw a strange tint in Boromir's eyes.....

Day 56: Moria

As I was dozing off I felt a pair of hands groping my chest. Whoever they were I bit their fingers. No one tries to take my Ring! Had an awful oily, fishy taste in my mouth for awhile. Got chased by some orcs, got stabbed by a cave troll, then got chased by a Balrog, and Gandalf fell off the bridge. What a day. Boromir carried me out and wouldn't let me go. I had to bite his hand before he would put me down.

Day 58: Lothlorien

I met Lady Galadriel today....very pretty but can she cook? Looked into her mirror and saw very disturbing images. I'll be scarred for life! I was then given a weird star phial...wonder what's used for...I think she told me but I wasn't paying attention. The sparkly lights can be quite distracting. The next day we were all to leave. I'm sorry that we'll have to leave. Galadriel was a pretty descent cook.

Day 60: Amon Hen

When the boats were docked I wondered off alone. I ran into Boromir along the way and he tried to take the Ring. I saw that strange tint in his eyes and he looked as if he were about to kiss me. I attempted to kick him between the legs but he was wearing a cod piece. Ow...my foot hurts. I then slipped on the Ring and punched him in the face. Ow....my fist hurts...When I took off the Ring I ran into Strider and I told it would be best if I headed off on my own. He leaned down and I could have sworn he was about to kiss me but some orcs came along...thank God. I scurried off, got into a boat, began to paddled off when Sam arrives. When I yelled at him to go away he jumped in the river! Stupid hobbit! Now I have no choice but to save him and now he gets to tag along. I hate this Ring! I wish it had never come to me!

Next: Sam's Diary.