Author's note: This is my first Batfick (holy horrible pun, Batman) , so I hope I'm doing alright outside my usual comfort zone (South Park)
"Harley! Get dressed; we're robing a jewelry store"
Joker liked to think himself as an agent of chaos and unpredictability. A man so unhinged, so demented, and so unstable that there was simply no telling what he was going to do next. His plans were insane, his behavior was demented and he loved every minute of it.
And if there was one thing he loved was comedy. From the great classics of Chaplin to the modern masterpiece of slapstick "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", he loved a good joke.
Take his relationship, for example. Even Harley was a joke, albeit one of his favorites
First, she is supposed to "cure" him and next thing you know, she's joining the funny farm dressed as a clown and swinging a giant hammer: funny
Then, no matter how horribly he treats her, she still looks at him like she needs his deformed face to breathe: hilarious
But the real joke, the one that made him keep her, the one he measured up there with his best material (like killing the second boy-blunder and taking the commissioner to carnival) was this: out of all those people, all those heroes and criminals, you name it. Bats, the cat-lady, the weed, Dent, pengers, the bird boys, Nygma… he, the most demented and unstable of them all, was the only one with a happy and stable relationship that didn't end every other Thursday for some stupid reason. It really made him laugh to no end.
Which brings us to our current situation: every joke needs a punch line. Everyone and their dogs would jump at the conclusion he would never do this and if he did, he'd have an ulterior motive to. What if he actually did it but had no ulterior motive? They'd loose their minds trying to figure this one out. Now was the time. Get ready for the punch line, harls
"But Mr. J, we just robbed a bank yesterday. We're good on cash for a few days." Harley said with a drowsy voice coming from the bedroom.
"I say when we're good on cash, you useless waste of space. Get yourself in the car or I'll put you in the car!" He screamed to her as he donned his purple suit
"Rocco! Bob! We're going out. Get the machine guns"
Purple suit? Check. Loyal henchmen? Check. Car? Check. Bag to collect the valuables? Check. All that is missing is that worthless dame
He had something special in mind for today. He had come to the realization he wanted this yesterday. And it wasn't in a pretty situation or something romantic. Hell no. They were at the bank, making an "undocumented withdraw" and he found out that Harley had forgot a tiny little detail: she forgot their guns. So now, they were in the middle of a firefight with the police, unarmed and in no condition to get to the car. If Rocco didn't drive the damned thing through the bank's door, they'd be either at Arkham or the morgue right now. His exact words to her were "I swear, you useless dame, one of these days you'll be the end of me", to which she answered "Yeah? Guess that means you're stuck with me till that happens, pudding"
And he realized she had a point: he was stuck with her. And he tried to get rid of her, more than once. Throwing her from a building didn't work, shooting her didn't work, her thinking he was dead didn't work, blasting her to oblivion in a rocket didn't work… that dumb broad was harder to shake than AIDS. Note to self: ask Bats how he god rid of that ninja lady he was making HA HA with.
Joker went into the bedroom to find a very sleepy Harley trying to get dressed. She looked like the last thing she wanted to do was go out today. If she only knew…
"HARLEY!" He screamed with his usual voice "Get your buttocks out of the bed and into the car!"
"Yes, sir, Mr. J!" She answered in the best cheerful tone her exhausted state could manage.
As the drive progressed, Harley's situation only got worse. She fell asleep twice, which made Joker so fucking pissed he nearly pulled the plug on the whole thing and shot her(like that would work). He probably would wind up taking care of her while she was injured and the thought of it made him angrier than when the Bat said she was smarter than him. Taking a breath to calm himself, he made the henchmen stop at a Starbucks and proceeded to the jewelry store.
As the henchmen and Harley ransacked the place, he was eying the whole thing up and down looking for a ring. It rather surprised him how much actual thought he was putting into it, but if he's gonna do this, he's gonna do it the right way. He looked through them, discarding most of the options because they reminded him of one of the idiots he called "friends". A green one that reminded him of the plant, one adorned with birds that reminded him of Cobblepot, one with two colors that reminded him of Dent…
Then he saw it. Red ruby and black all over. If she was gonna like of those rings, it's this one. He smashed the display glass and stored it in his pocket, shoving a bunch of other jewels into the bag so no one would find it suspicious. That's when he heard a very familiar sound: police sirens. Perfect!
"I guess it's time to go, boys! Would you be so kind and take these to the hideout?" He said, pointing at the jewels
"Um… sure boss…" Rocco said, confused at the request "What about you and Harley?"
"We'll manage, now get going!" He said, shoving the henchmen out the door
"Um… Mr. J? What do we do?" Harley asked, more confused than Rocco at her pudding's 'plan'
"Why, we surrender!" He answered, smiling at her. To which she responded by freaking out and beating his head with her hammer
"YOU LOUSY LITTLE CREEP, I'LL KILL YOU! I just wanted to stay home and watch a movie but NOOOO! Thanks to you, I'm spending the night at the loony bin!"
"Honey! Sweetie! Pumpkin pie" he tried to plea with her in between the hits. Two cops walked in to arrest them, their faces slightly surprised the scene wasn't happening the other way around. One of the cops even said "I used to think SHE was the one taking the beatings". All standard procedure up until now. Joker found it rather weird that they only sent one car to the scene, but made no more judgment of it. As they rode on the back of the police car, Harley kept screaming the entire time
"You slime! I'll make you pay for this one, you useless piece of…" The sight of the gun that Joker was pulling from his sock interrupted her. What an outrage! They didn't even send two GOOD cops to catch them! Maybe some of the other wackos is throwing a party in the other side of town
Joker carefully placed the ring in the pocket of the driver before…
"Well, buckle up, kiddos! This is gonna be a bumpy ride…" and shot the driver.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA" Was the only sound coming from J's mouth while the car spiraled out of control and Harley tried to fight off the passenger. They crashed the car against an empty, dark alley. As they were tied up, Harley and Joker got off with a few minor bruises, while the passenger died on the crash.
"Ha ha, that was fun, wasn't it pumpkin?" He shot his hands up as he saw Harley pointing a gun to his face.
"Alright, 'puddin'! What the hell was that?" She asked in a tone he rarely ever heard.
"Um… pumpkin, you better check the driver's pockets before killing me…" He said in his mock-frailty voice.
She looked back and forward between him and the driver and decided to go with it. They both knew she was not gonna shoot him. At least not in the face, she might kneecap him for that. She checked the driver's pockets and found the most beautiful red and black ring inside. She eyed it for a second, trying to piece the whole scenario together.
"M…. Mr. J? Is that a?" She asked, her face a trembling smile. He just smiled back and nodded.
That was it! What she always wanted ever since she met him. Hell, she never thought he'd actually do it. She didn't even know if he had a legal register to get married, but there he was. Down to one knee. The clown she always loved
"Harley?" He asked, "Will you marry me?"
"Yes sir, Mr. J" she answered, jumping over him to a kiss, happy tears covering her face