A/N: This is another brain swap story, but as far as I know it's the only brain swap between these two characters. It takes place in the Potterverse during the seventh book, when Wormtail is staying at the Malfoy Manor, and in the Twilightverse sometime after Bella starts dating Edward but before she marries him and becomes a vampire. To be honest, I've read Twilight (and Harry Potter) parodies more recently than the actual series, so forgive me if some people are out of character. Also, I don't know if this is going to end up as a serious story or as parody. More likely, it's going to be a little bit of both.

Rated M for copious swearing and discrimination against Muggles.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or Harry Potter.

Bella Swap!

Chapter 1: If only I had my wand, all of you would be dead.

Bellatrix Lestrange stared down into the defiant green eyes of Harry Potter, struggling to contain her glee. After all these years, she'd finally captured him! The Dark Lord would be very pleased. Perhaps he would make her his queen. Dark Lady Bellatrix Lestrange! How wonderful!

Bellatrix imagined herself sitting on a tall, black throne with a black satin cushion next to the Dark Lord himself. A comely, young Muggle boy with a heavy iron collar around his neck brought her a glass of firewhiskey made by an imperiused Madame Rosmerta, while another was down on his knees, licking the dirt off her shoe.

Bellatrix gave a breathy, girlish giggle. The Weasley boy who was restrained next to Harry looked at her strangely, clearly questioning her sanity. Bellatrix considered cursing him for his impertinence, but then she decided that torturing that horrid little Muggle girlfriend of his would be a more effective punishment.

"Take them to the dungeon," Bellatrix commanded, and the Snatchers restraining Harry, Ron, and Hermione began to march their captives down the stairs.

"No, not her," said Bellatrix, exasperated. "She stays with me."

The Snatcher restraining Hermione threw her down roughly in front of Bellatrix, while the others locked Harry and Ron in the dungeon (also known as the basement) of Malfoy Manor.

"Where's the new headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix?" Bellatrix asked Hermione.

Hermione stared at her defiantly and didn't say a thing.

Bellatrix grabbed a handful of Hermione's bushy, brown hair and put her wand at her throat. "Tell me now, you little Mudblood bitch, or you'll be sorry," she warned.

Hermione spit in her face.

"Crucio!" yelled Bellatrix.

Hermione screamed and writhed on the dusty wooden floor of Malfoy Manor. Bellatrix thought it was rather funny, the way her legs twitched. Her ugly shoes seemed to skitter across the floor like cockroaches. Bellatrix laughed again. "Now, will you tell me?"

"I don't know," Hermione sobbed. "I swear I don't know!"

"Crucio!" yelled Bellatrix. Hermione screamed. Bellatrix waved her wand like a conductor's baton, humming a tune by the Weird Sisters. Bellatrix began to dance around the room, cackling madly, as Hermione thrashed about in agony.

I got you, you filthy little Mudblood, she thought. I've got you now!

Bellatrix suddenly stopped dancing and stood very still. She thought she heard a soft scraping sound coming from below.

A second later, the basement door burst open and Harry and Ron emerged into the living room with Bellatrix and Hermione. Bellatrix spun around and raised her wand.

"Expelliarmus!" shouted Harry.

"Impedimenta!" shouted Ron.

"Crucio!" shouted Bellatrix.

Jets of light flew from Ron's (really Peter's), Harry's (really Malfoy's), and Bellatrix's wand. The spells met in midair and melded into a rapidly-growing sphere of white light.

Hermione reached out with the last of her strength and grabbed Bellatrix's ankle, causing her to lose her balance and fall face first into the ominous white light. The light swallowed Bellatrix and then promptly vanished.

Hermione clutched her stomach and coughed.

"All right, Hermione?" Ron asked, concerned.

Hermione gave him a small smile. "Never better."

- SWAP-

"Bella? Bella? Are you all right?"

From her undignified position face down in the grass (grass? Wasn't she inside?), Bellatrix faintly registered that a young, unfamiliar, male voice was calling her name.

"Ugh," she groaned.

"Bella?" the voice said again.

Shut it, Bella thought. Who was this wanker, and why the hell was he calling her Bella? Narcissa was the only one who was allowed to call her that. Time to get out her wand and curse him into oblivion.

Bellatrix got to her feet and jammed her hands into her front jeans pockets, then her back jeans pockets, then her coat pockets (why was she suddenly wearing a coat?), before she finally realized that she had no wand.

"Shit," she said in a voice that was not her voice. "Shit," she said again. Something major was wrong here.

Bellatrix liked her voice. It suited her. It was a rich, dark, don't-fuck-with-me voice. Her new voice was low but croaky. It sounded like she was coming down with a cold. Even worse, she had an American accent. Bloody perfect, Bellatrix thought. I hate Americans.

"What are you looking for?" a tall brunette standing next to her asked. It was obvious that she was a Muggle, since a fellow witch would automatically know what she was looking for. Besides, neither the girl nor the boy was carrying a wand.

"Come on, let's get you to the nurse's office," said the boy, putting an arm around her waist. He was tall and handsome, and looked about seventeen years old.

Bellatrix pulled away. "Who are you?" she asked.

The girl and the guy exchanged a frightened glance.

"I'm Edward Cullen," he said slowly. "Your boyfriend."

Bellatrix narrowed her eyes. That was preposterous. She had had no lover since Rodolphus had died, and would have none, save the Dark Lord. Besides, this Edward was a mere boy, probably less than half her age.

"You're a little young for me, boy," said Bellatrix in what she hoped was a contemptuous tone of voice.

The girl looked more confused than ever, but the boy, Edward, looked bizarrely relieved. He pulled her a few steps away from the girl and said quietly, "I know you're worried about being a year older than me for all eternity, but in the scheme of things, a year isn't that important. If I'm going to change you, you have to be sure that's what you really want."

Bellatrix stared at Edward incredulously. What in the hell was he talking about? She was obviously more than a year older than him. And what did he mean by changing her? Was he a werewolf?

At that moment, a blonde girl walked past Bellatrix, checking her makeup in a small mirror.* Bellatrix grabbed the mirror and looked at her reflection. The face staring back at her was a face she'd never seen in her life. Sure enough, she looked about the same age as Edward. She was a thoroughly normal looking teenage girl with pale skin and brown eyes.

"What the hell?" the blonde girl screetched. "Give me back my compact!"

Bella tossed it aside and the girl dove for it. She got to her feet, glared at Bellatrix and said, "Fuck you, Isabella Swan. You think you're so great just because you're dating Edward, but you're just a dumb bitch with last month's shoes."

Apparently, the girl whose body Bellatrix was inhabiting was named "Isabella Swan," or "Bella" for short. What a dumb name, Bellatrix thought.

"Stop it, Jessica," said the tall girl. "Bella fell and hit her head and is acting strangely. She might have brain damage."

When I get my wand back, I'll give you brain damage, Bellatrix thought. Fuck, she had to get away from all the Muggles.

Bellatrix leaned on Edward and said loudly, "I don't feel well. Can you take me to the hospital wing?"

"Of course," said Edward, looking at her with concern. To Bellatrix's surprise, Edward scooped her up in his arms and began carrying her up the sidewalk like an infant. How embarrassing. Bellatrix wondered what he'd think if he knew he wasn't carrying his teenage Muggle girlfriend, but a witch who was old enough to be his mother. Bellatrix wanted to tell Edward that she could walk there on her own, thank you very much, but if Bella Swan was as clumsy as everyone seemed to think she was, maybe she really couldn't walk without tripping over her own feet. Maybe Edward carried her everywhere.

When Edward finally set her down, it was beside a door that said "Nurse's Office." Bellatrix made a note to herself to stop calling it the "Hospital Wing," lest she arouse any more suspicions than she had already. Without her wand, she was stuck in this body. She was going to have to pretend to be Bella Swan until she either found her wand, stole one, or got a wand maker to make her a new one. If there even were any wand makers in America. Bellatrix thought back, but she couldn't remember any Americans in her class at Hogwarts, and Hogwarts took students from every country in the world. Maybe they're all Muggles, she thought sourly.

As Bellatrix and Edward walked into the nurse's office, the school nurse looked up with a knowing gaze. "What is it this time, Bella?"

"Bella fell and hit her head," Edward answered for her, as if she was incapable of speech. Bellatrix was beginning to wonder if Bella Swan was mentally retarded.

The nurse had Bellatrix sit on one of the cots and gingerly pushed her hair back from her forehead.

"That's quite a lump," she said cheerfully.

Bellatrix glared at her.

The nurse stopped smiling. "I'll get you an ice pack."

Yes, fine, just leave me alone, thought Bellatrix. I can't stand the sight of Muggles like you.

"I have to go now. Will you be all right?" asked Edward.

Bellatrix nodded impatiently, and Edward finally left. Bellatrix fell back on the cot and stared at the ceiling. God, she was bored. She couldn't stand being without magic. Being stuck in some dumb Muggle village in the States was almost as bad as being back in Azkaban. She had to get out of there before she went crazy.

It was all Hermione's fault. If it wasn't for her, Bellatrix wouldn't have fallen into the strange white light and ended up in this stupid town. That little Mudblood bitch… she was going to be begging for death by the time Bellatrix got through with her.

The nurse came back with her ice pack and drew the curtain around the cot. Bellatrix waited until she was out of eyesight, then dropped the ice pack on the floor. She had no need for Muggle remedies.

Her thoughts returned to Edward. On one hand, Bellatrix thought he was annoying and never wanted to see him again, but on the other hand, if he was some kind of magical creature, he might be her ticket out of this dump. Bellatrix knew from Voldemort that sometimes killing magical creatures could grant witches and wizards temporary powers. Bellatrix groaned. No matter how she looked at it, she'd have to find Edward again and stick close to him until she figured out what he was and how to kill him.

Bellatrix felt much better now that she had a plan, no matter how odious it may be. She got up from the cot and walked out of the nurse's office, ignoring the idiot Muggle nurse's protests.

Bellatrix had no idea where she might find Edward, so she walked aimlessly up and down the hallways of the school, every now and then looking in to a classroom to see if Edward was inside. After about twenty minutes of this, she ran into an old, fat Muggle cow who looked like a teacher or something.

"What class are you supposed to be in?" the Muggle woman barked.

"Uh—"

Apparently she didn't answer quickly enough, because the woman said "Come on" and started dragging her down the hallway. Bellatrix didn't have enough strength to pull free in her new body, but she glared daggers at the woman's back and had fun imagining what she would look like writhing on the ground under the effects of the Cruciatus curse.

She was taken to a waiting area in front of a small office that had "Principal Greene" written on it. She wasn't the only one waiting. There was a girl with a face like a frog who was chewing on a stick of gum with her mouth wide open and a punk wannabe goth boy with wires coming from his ears who seemed to be bopping his head to music no one else could hear. They were pathetic even for Muggles.

The Muggle cow made her sit down next to frog face. She continued chewing loudly and popped her bubblegum next to Bellatrix's ear.

"Do you mind?" Bellatrix snapped.

The girl rolled her eyes and popped her bubblegum again.

Bellatrix stood up and tried to walk out, only to be stopped by the hall monitor. "No you don't, missy."

Bellatrix glared at the room at large.

If only I had my wand, she thought, all of you would be dead.

-SWAP-

*Since she's wizard born, Bellatrix probably wouldn't know what a compact mirror is. I get the impression that she's one of those witches who doesn't know a lot about Muggle technology.

Stay tuned for chapter 2 to find out how well Bella Swan does in Bellatrix Lestrange's place. Please review!