Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters.
A/n: This is a little one-shot about Snape and the twins in their third year at Hogwarts. I hope you enjoy. Don't forget to leave a review to let me know what you think.
If there was anything he hated more than his own existence, it was the existence of children. The little scoundrels were everywhere, doing everything but work. Of course, if one was a teacher at a school full of little dunderheads with their overgrown egos, what else was one to expect. He hated children. Everyone knew that, even dear old Albus knew that. But he hated only one thing more than he hated his own existence and the existence of children. He, with all his heart and his entire mind and even his soul, hated Gryffindor brats! This is why he detested Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. They were Gryffindor days. He was neither happy, nor pleased nor especially pleasant on Gryffindor days. He liked Tuesdays and Fridays; they were bearable with only Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff idiots.
However, out of all the Gryffindor days, he hated Wednesdays the worst. Not because of the placement of the moon or the sun or the stars. Instead of the usual Gryffindor brats, Wednesdays brought the kings of Gryffindor brats – the two dimwitted, vile, idiotic, trouble mongering, arrogant, redheaded twins. Just thinking about them made his blood boil with rage. If only he could have them expelled once and for all, it would introduce a little more ease into his life. But try as he might, they seemed to be un-expellable. He did not know how they got away with things, but they did. He especially hated them for that. They reminded him of that horrible, arrogant bully, Potter, and his vile little gang of equally horrible cronies.
But today was not a good day to think about Potter or his cronies. Today was a Wednesday and in five minutes those two red headed, freckle faced devils would be making their way into his class. He could almost hear them chanting, "We will… We will sendyoutoSaintMungos… We will… We will driveyouinsane."
If only caning little brats was not illegal. If only hanging them by their ankles from the ceiling was still allowed. Oh, how he would relish in their whines and cries. Then they would know NOT to mess with Severus Snape.
But he could prove nothing. He could do nothing.
"Here. They. Come." He whispered to the jars in his office. It was time to make way to the classroom and teach the un-teachables, the exact and precise art of potion making.
He entered the classroom with a swish and a swosh of his long black robes. He always knew how to make an entrance. Every single one of the brats fell silent, even the two red headed nitwits. But they were grinning, and they were grinning with a twinkle in their eyes. It gave him the chills. What were they planning? What could they possibly do that they had not already tried. Severus had to grudgingly give them credit that they always came up with something new to torture him and disrupt his class. No students, in all his years of teaching had ever dared do what these two idiots dared to do. They brought something in every single one of his classes. Every single one. Severus wanted to cry. He wanted to wipe those grins off their faces.
He could dock points for grinning unnecessarily, of course, however, he had long since learnt that mere points did not dissuade these two. He had long since learnt that nothing ever did. He sighed. It was no good. He would have to ignore and hope for the best.
"We are going to proceed to something a little more advanced today. Although, I already know that most of you will not fail to disappoint me as usual. You are going to brew a simple healing dittany. Who can tell me what is dittany does exactly?" He barely moved his lips while talking. The aura of intimidation was set. He had them hooked on to each one of his words. There were no surprises there. The only surprise that came was after he had finished asking the question. One of the twins raised his hand. He wanted to give him detention for surprising him. But that was low even by his standards.
"Well, well, Weasley what an absolute surprise. So what is dittany used for exactly?" He drawled with his signature sneer in place.
"Erm I don't know Professor." He said with his hand still raised.
"Then why have you raised you hand?" He asked in what he hoped was his most dangerous voice and not a voice that merely sensed danger coming on to him.
"I was wondering if I could go to the bathroom?" The sickeningly idiotic brat dared ask him that?
"Ahh. The call of nature? Alas, Weasley that is what the 10-minute breaks between classes are for. It seems that, unfortunately, you will just . .in." He could sense it coming. Whatever it was that the two idiots had planned was coming and it was coming fast. But he was not going to make it easy for them. They will have to suffer for making him suffer. The boy can pee in his chair for all he cared. He would have a good laugh.
"Is there anyone in this room who has not been lazing around and actually took the time to open their textbooks? Perhaps, even once?" Oh, whom was he kidding? Of course, they were all lazing around all the time! Even the brats in his house. Such a pack of good-for-nothing dunderheads.
"Well if you would have ever opened your books, you would have known that the very first chapter in your assigned textbooks was about healing potions. Dittany being the simplest is the first recipe laid down before your ungrateful useless eyes. Yes Jordan?"
Today was not a good day. Not a good day at all!
"Sir, I… I … there is something on your… erm… shoulder!" He had fainted but Severus did not have time to notice that, because there was something on his shoulder. Something big, hairy and many legged! Oh GOD! He swatted it off as the class screamed and shouted and ran out of their dungeon classroom. He shuddered and reached for his wand on his desk, never taking his eyes off of the blasted thing. As soon as his fingers made contact with the cool wood of his wand, his foot caught in his billowing robes and he stumbled knocking his wand off the table and on the floor, where it rolled down to the Weasley twins desk. He ran to make a grab for it, but the two idiots chose that moment to bolt out the door. He picked up his wand and noticed something that made his blood freeze in horror. It was wet.
He almost gagged, but now was not the time for thoughts about hygiene or disgust. The large spider, which he was sure, was a small acromantula was a more pressing issue. He aimed his wand at the spider, which was quickly making its way towards him, scuttling on its many legs, and shouted, "STUPEFY". A red bolt of light left his wand and hit the spider. One minute he was sure he had gotten it, the next he was backing away against the wall. "STUPEFY, STUPEFY, STUPEFY dammit!"
It didn't work. He tried other spells but they none of them worked. "STUPEFY MAGNIFISCO". Three bolts of lighting left his want and still nothing. Something should have worked but now the spider was upon him, one of its many legs was rested on the tip of his boots. He was cornered. He thought of making a run for it by stamping on the spider, but the thought freaked him out somewhat, and he was truly trapped between two desks full of cauldrons and ingredients, knives and little fires. This was how, he, Severus Tobias Snape was going to die, cornered in his own classroom by a ruddy acromantula holding a wand dripping with pee. He waited for the strike to come, for the venom to make its way into his veins, for the life to be sucked out of him. He waited, he waited but nothing happened. The spider's leg was still resting on the tip of his boot. He opened one eye and looked at it, not daring to move. Courage or stupidity washed over him for some reason. He bent down, careful not to move his foot even a nanometer, the spider moved a little but then stopped again. He squinted at the creature and to his utter disbelief saw a red tag hanging from its underbelly. His eyes bulged and he picked up the spider. Immediately, the scuttling resumed but Snape paid no heed. The blasted thing was a bloody toy!
He looked around the classroom and saw to his utter amazement a canister of water toppled over on the Weasley table. He looked at his wand more closely, sniffed it and realized that it was drenched in diluted stale butterbeer. This was insane!
He knew those two spawns of the devil were responsible for all of this drama. But he couldn't prove it. He couldn't prove it. The toy acromantula was evidence of a prank, but that was all he had. No one would admit to owning it. No one would admit to snitching on the twins either. However, Severus had had enough. His pride was wounded beyond repair! He was going to the headmaster's office.
As the stone gargoyle moved to let him in, Severus stomped up the revolving staircase and pounded on the headmaster's door.
"Come in!" Severus rushed in. "Severus, what brings you here? Aren't you supposed to be teaching a class right now?" Dumbledore looked up through his half moon spectacles straight into Severus's eyes. His eyes were piercing, but Severus was in no mood to humor him. He threw the toy acromantula on Dumbledore's desk and started pacing angrily.
"I GIVE UP! I have had it!" Severus was beside himself in rage.
"Oh dear. Severus, is this an early birthday present for me? My birthday isn't till next Friday, I must confess, although it is rather nice to have something other than books for a change, even if it is a toy spider. A little more suited for Halloween though, don't you think?" Dumbledore was examining the toy acromantula carefully, a small smile on his face.
"SOMEONE LET YOUR EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT LOOSE IN MY CLASS TODAY! ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?" Severus was shaking with fury; his dark eyes saw nothing but rage. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. "Albus, I quit." He said slowly and quietly although his hands were still shaking.
"My, my. Severus, look it is charmed to make it run with movement and it is completely protected against penetration of any sort of magic. Ingenius!" Dumbledore was smiling widely.
"I think you didn't hear me, Albus, I quit!" Severus almost shrieked.
"Oh Severus, I heard you." Dumbledore put the scuttling spider upside-down on his desk. "I was just waiting for you to calm down and change your mind." Severus was completely taken aback. He knew that the headmaster was a little nutty, but now he believed him to be completely insane.
"Headmaster, if I have to see those twins in my life again, I will jump off the astronomy tower. They make my blood pressure shoot. Every single class… they bring something… I… can't!" He sputtered.
"I see. Well how about I have a word with those two and let's see if that will bring your blood pressure a notch? If they still continue to bring such delightful, erm I mean such dreadful things to your class, I'll personally teach them potions so you won't have to bear them." After two and a half year of constantly seeking evidence against the two satans, he had finally gotten through to someone about them. He nodded his assent.
"Okay great, so I suppose you will go and gather all your students, take them to class and send the twins to my office?" A curt nod was all he needed to give the headmaster and he was out of his door in an instant. There was a cruel sneer on his face. He had the twins. Finally, finally!
He had a great feeling about this Wednesday. It was a fresh day, the birds were chirping, the sun was shining and the twins had looked something akin to sober. There had been no incident in class. None. Zero. He had caught the two idiots whispering in class, but he welcomed that as a pleasant gift. He docked off 20 points each from Gryffindor and simply smiled at the annoyed looks on their faces. This was a new year, a new decade!
"Dumbledore is a freaking genius!"
"Everybody knows that George! Tsk…"
"No but he is a wonderful amazing awesome amazing wonderful genius…"
Hah, Severus felt like Christmas had come early. The twins would lose Gryffindor even more points this fine day! Lurking outside during classes. Skiving off. Severus wanted to sing!
"…we can start our own joke shop! Who would have thought? Old Dumbles of course."
Severus stopped in his tracks. Their own what?
"Imagine Fred, our work, he said work, was ingenius! We were really good at magic."
"Yeah George, I heard him too. I was there too. We should be inventors, not silly pranksters trying to blow Snape's class up. I don't think he was suggesting a joke shop though."
"But that is who we are, Fred. We should empower the future generations of Hogwarts to blow Snape's class up!"
They were sniggering, as Severus stood there, frozen. He felt something cold and hard settle in his stomach. The twin spawn of Satan were going to open a shop to empower future… He couldn't breathe.
It was at that instance that Severus Tobias Snape made a vow to himself that unless, the world was ending or all hell was breaking lose and only he could do something about it, he would leave Hogwarts the second these two would open a shop, any shop, anywhere near the United Kingdom!