(a/n) I know it has been a... very long time since I've uploaded anything. But to be fair, I've gotten a degree and a full time job and moved to the other side of the world so...
This is not beta-ed so sorry for any mistakes!
I do not own Naruto.
Inn
-moontide
Staying in an inn, Kakashi decided, had been a bad idea.
Agreeing to this mission had been a bad idea. Requesting the most talented team accompany him, training his own students to be the most talented, letting those students become so comfortable with him, letting them become comfortable with each other… heck, taking students in the first place, all bad ideas.
Kakashi dropped his head back onto the pillow with a groan, and imagined that the dull thudding of the neighboring bed against their shared wall was instead the satisfying slamming of his fists on the Hokage's desk as he refused a genin team.
"…oh… harder! Please… I need- yes, yes! Deeper Sa-aaah! Ahhh….!"
Being a rather astute individual, Kakashi was fairly sure that would not have been the desk's response to his pounding. Even if it could learn to speak, it would most definitely not have Naruto's voice or scream in ecstasy at Kakashi's beatings.
"Idiot, quiet down. We don't- uhn-! don't want to…ah!... wake Sakura…"
And that would not have been his reply to the desk's declaration. Well, perhaps the first part about quieting down. But it would not have been said in a breathy moan that, despite the words, seemed to indicate a taste for loud moaning and indecent requests.
Rolling onto his front, Kakashi pulled his pillow over his head, trying in vain to block out the commotion next door. Don't wake Sakura. Sakura? She was two doors down, probably sleeping peacefully, dreams full of kittens and cotton candy... or something. Kakashi wasn't really sure what Sakura dreamed, but it sure as hell wasn't being interrupted by hours of raucous man-sex! How could they go for that long? Would Naruto even be able to walk the next morning? Was Sasuke really that good?
"AHHH! SASUKE! SA-AAAHH!" A serious of long, shameless moans followed this outburst. The pounding of the bed became more vigorous. It seemed a fitting response to Kakashi's last question, despite the fact that he really hadn't been looking for an answer. Though, arguably he could claim that Sasuke's sexual prowess was his handiwork. Not that he had actually taught the boy anything about fornication, but, as he had advised Sasuke in all other matters, it could follow that he had counseled in this realm as well. He could gain quite a good reputation among the ladies as a sex genius.
Or he could forever brand himself as a pedophile. Best not to mention a connection then.
This time it was Sasuke's moan that caused Kakashi to grit his teeth while trying to imagine anything but his two students getting it on like animals. Maybe they were almost done. If Sasuke was that far gone then the end had to be near.
Sticking one ear out from under his pillow, not that it had done any good anyway, Kakashi listened for the tell-tale signs of two very satisfied shinobi. It took a minute, but soon Sasuke and Naruto's cries reached a crescendo before dropping off into haggard panting and the smack of post-coital kisses.
Kakashi sighed in relief, sticking his pillow back under his head and closing his eyes, fully prepared to drift into peaceful dreams of kittens frolicking through fields of cotton candy. Who knew, maybe he'd even see Sakura there and they could commiserate over the obscene actions of their mutual teamma-
"mmmm… Sasuke. That was so goooood." Damn it. It seemed Naruto never shut up. Maybe Sasuke would find the incessant jabber annoying too.
"Hn." Guess not.
Kakashi wasn't as well versed in Sasuke-speak as Naruto, but he knew that particular 'hn' translated to 'of course, it was sex with me'. A creaking of the almost-certainly-broken bed indicated the shift of Naruto closer to Sasuke's side. If he had been any less tired Kakashi would have smirked. He had always pegged Naruto as a cuddler.
"But you know, I don't think I was able to properly show how much I want you."
"Hn."
Kakashi wasn't so sure about this one, but if he had to hazard a guess he would have to interpret it as 'no dear, I'm rather tired and would prefer to sleep with you quietly held in my embrace. Perhaps another night when we are at home, far away from anyone who might be an unwilling third party to our love-making'. That made sense, right? Sasuke was a reasonable man with a healthy respect for the adequate amount of sleep.
Naruto laughed and the bed creaked again.
"I'm going to ride you long and hard, just how you like it. And every time I scream your name you're going to pretend everyone can hear it so they know that we have the best damn sex in the whole world."
Sasuke chuckled, but Kakashi couldn't hear it over his own anguished sobs.
~*-:-*~
The next morning Kakashi missed breakfast. He almost missed their assigned leaving time. It was only his well-built reputation that saved him from inquisitive comments about his tardiness. Sakura and Naruto merely shouted something about him being late and the team was on its way.
If Sakura and Sasuke noticed something off about their ex-sensei, they wisely said nothing. Naruto, on the other hand, bounded over to Kakashi after only half an hour of traveling. He schooled his wide grin into a concerned frown and locked his gaze onto Kakashi's one exposed eye.
"Kakashi-sensei, did you get enough sleep, you don't look too good."
Damn him. Damn Naruto for looking perfectly peachy. Damn him to Suna and back for being as energetic as a puppy even after spending the entire night getting plowed into the bed by an enthusiastic Uchiha.
Kakashi grunted. Naruto sent a worried look to Sasuke. Sasuke shrugged and went back to staring down bushes.
"Do you want me to ask Sakura to look you over?" Naruto's voice was low, as if he was trying for a conspiratorial whisper, but Kakashi was sure the whole team had heard.
"No." Maybe simple answers would work. It always seemed to for Sasuke. Say little to nothing and Naruto became bored and then… wait. Maybe Naruto liked when people didn't say anything. If it was what Sasuke always did than it was definitely something to avoid when it came to Naruto.
"Was it something you ate? Because I thought that the fish looked kind of funny last night but I didn't say anything because we had that table right near the kitchen and I was afraid the cook would hear us and then we'd find bugs in our beds or something. Or we could have been kicked out! Not that that would have really been a problem since we're used to sleeping outside and everything but I was really looking forward to a bed-"
"I bet you were." Kakashi muttered under his breath.
"Huh? Kakashi-sensei, you weren't?" Naruto tilted his head to the side, obviously confused. "Beds are heavenly! I mean, this one wasn't as nice as others I've slept on," Kakashi glanced over to Sasuke who was failing to hide a smirk, "but it was a hell of a lot better than sleeping on rocks or something, right Sakura, Sasuke?"
Sasuke glanced over and shrugged once more. Sakura rolled her eyes.
"Was there something wrong with the springs in your bed? Because mine felt kind of lumpy and sagged on one side like some really fat person had slept there and broken it." Kakashi wondered if Naruto had even gone to his own room after dinner. Probably not. Sasuke wasn't patient when he wanted something.
"Anyway, if you don't feel very good you should tell us. It was you who taught us that hiding any injury could be a liability to the whole team and I know the mission is finished and we are heading home but we could come across-" Sakura sighed and moved closer to the conversing pair. "-and then Sakura would have to waste chakra to heal you and-" Naruto stopped as he noticed Sakura at his side.
There was a minute of silence and then, "He's just getting old Naruto." Sakura said sagely.
Kakashi wasn't quite sure what happened after that. He knew Naruto had laughed like a maniac. Heck, ever Sasuke had gotten in a chuckle. It was hard to tell since Sakura's words kept playing over and over in his head.
~*-:-*~
Kakashi had always prided himself on being able to take care of his own problems. Friends, while nice to have, were not a necessity for any sort of emotional trauma. It was strange then that, after returning home, taking a shower, and watering his potted plants, Kakashi found himself knocking on Gai's door. It was even stranger when he invited Gai out for a youthful walk and strangest still when he initiated the conversation.
"Are we old?" Right after he said it Kakashi realized this was probably the not the best conversation to have with Gai. In fact, it might be the worst. Expecting a tirade about retaining youth and spring time and competition, Kakashi winced. It was with a somber voice however, that Gai responded.
"I have been thinking about that as well." Gai's large brows furrowed.
"Oh?"
"Yes. The other day my beloved student and I were racing around the village and I found myself falling behind. Then he started speaking new slang I had never heard to encourage me. That night, thinking back on it, I realized I might be losing the springtime of my youth."
"Ah." Kakashi wasn't quite sure what to say to that. Gai had always been socially obtuse, so his lack of slang-knowledge was nothing out of the ordinary. One slow day and some new vocabulary didn't seem such a big sign of age.
"What prompted your concerns?" Gai turned to him, looking exceedingly joyful that he had a comrade in the worry over age.
"Ah, well…I…" He knew Sakura had been wrong in her assumption that his lethargy was caused by him being old. But her words, coupled with the… enthusiasm of their teammates, had stirred something within him.
He had never considered himself a playboy, but in his younger days he had often sought the company of women and had left them extremely satisfied the next morning. After getting a team he had been busier and therefore had less time for frivolity, especially with his hands full of a volatile avenger and a turbulent host. Now it seemed like ages since those two were genin, always fighting and scowling and making a ruckus. Never mind that, they still fought and scowled and made a ruckus, they just had mind-blowing sex afterwards.
It was just that his students were having more sex than him. The little boys who probably thought Sakura had had cooties now spent their nights doing things even the great Jiraiya wouldn't put in one of his novels. If they were at this age… then where was he?
"Are you having problems with your-" Gai glanced at a very special place.
"No!" Kakashi said quickly, wondering why Gai would immediately jump to that conclusion. Did he look like he was having problems with that? Were there nasty -and most definitely fake- rumors? "I just… same thing. Couldn't keep up easily with the team." It wasn't really a lie. Oh he could keep up while they were running or fighting, just not in other activities.
"I see." Gai frowned again. "Then we need to double our efforts!" There it was, the slightly manic smile that promised Kakashi would be a lump of knotted muscles the next day. Sighing, he followed Gai to the nearest training grounds, already preparing to make his team do the exact same regiment the next day.
~*-:-*~
Kakashi thought he was done with the whole 'am I old' business. But, after doing as promised and making Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto train under Gai for a day, and seeing Sasuke drag Naruto off right after that for some time "relieving sore muscles" in the onsen, he found himself spiraling back down into troubled thoughts.
This time he was determined to do nothing. He didn't want to talk to anyone else about it; he hadn't even wanted to talk to Gai really. Instead Kakashi decided that he would never have them stay in an inn again. Not that he ever planned on taking them on another mission.
But a week later Tsunade had called him into her office once again and requested that he lead a short reconnaissance mission. This time he wasn't allowed to pick his team. Team seven had done well last time, and Tsunade knew how much the four liked working together. Kakashi was ready to fight this pronouncement, but decided first to ask how long the mission would take. If it wasn't overnight then he had nothing to worry about, right?
Tsunade, though confused at his reluctance to use his old team, assured him that if they left early then they would be back before dinner on the same day. Relieved, Kakashi agreed.
~*-:-*~
This was not happening. Definitely not happening. He was not in another inn spending another night listening to his students have wild kinky sex. No. This was just a horrible dream that would soon be over and he would find himself in his own bed, preferably lying next to a beautiful woman after his own night of satisfying copulation.
Of course, dreaming about his students having sex was a worrying and possibly disturbing thought. He had much better things to dream about, like good food and beach vacations and hot ladies. And there was that field of kittens! He wanted to go back there!
But no. He knew he was in another inn, staying the night even though Tsunade had promised the mission would only take a day. It had been partially his fault that it had lasted into the night. Well, probably mostly his fault.
He had told the team to meet at six. Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura had met at six. But Kakashi, not used to the threat of terrible things hinging on him being on time, had been late. Quite late. Four hours late.
Then they had traveled a bit slowly because Sakura was sporting a leg injury earned in her last assignment. It wasn't dire enough to take her off the mission, but it caused an obvious decline in their speed.
These delays made Naruto antsy, and an antsy Naruto made for a squirmy Naruto and, as expected, a squirmy Naruto invoked a horny Sasuke. Horny Sasuke demanded that, since they were way behind schedule and wouldn't return to Konoha until well after two in the morning, they should stop for the night.
A normal Sasuke would never have asked for something so weak. Kakashi tried to appeal to his sensibilities, then tried to goad him, then went so far as to remind Sasuke that if they went home he could sleep in his own bed. This pronouncement was accompanied by a lot of pointed looks and wiggly eyebrows.
Apparently Sasuke enjoyed sex in new places, because he refused to budge. Sakura seemed keen on staying somewhere too; the area was famous for its hot springs and she wanted to soak her leg. So they made their way to an expensive inn that would hopefully have thick walls.
Kakashi had planned on being the one to make room reservations. Then he could ask for rooms on opposite ends of the hall, or even different floors. But, when they got in Sakura hurried up to the counter and Naruto distracted Kakashi with some stupid question about monkeys and by the time he got away the rooms had been decided.
It didn't matter really, there were only three rooms available. This normally would be of no bother. The whole team had slept in the same room in the past. In fact, one or two rooms would have assured some silence and respect for slumbering roommates. If they had four, Kakashi could have demanded they all take a night of solitary meditation. It wasn't something he did often these days, but when they had been genin it was a quick and easy way to shut them up. Well, shut Naruto up. His team always obeyed commands like that, even now that they were all the same rank. But three rooms implied sharing and you couldn't have solitary mediation if you were sharing a room.
For a second Kakashi had flirted with the idea of making Naruto or Sasuke sleep in his room. But a look from Sasuke promised him instant death if he even suggested splitting them up. Death looked like a pretty favorable option when placed against listening to a night of wild sex, but Kakashi clung to the feeble hope that maybe this time Naruto was too tired. He had gotten back from another, more intense assignment the night before and was looking a bit run down.
By the time they made it into the onsen Kakashi was practically cackling with glee. Naruto nearly fell asleep on Sasuke's shoulder. He did fall asleep at their post-dinner mission review, curled up on the couch with his head in Sasuke's lap.
But Kakashi should have known then and there that he wouldn't be so lucky. Naruto wasn't like a normal person. He loved to sleep, but he didn't really need as much as everyone else, and that half hour nap that they had allowed him to have was enough to bring him back to full intensity.
Sasuke had known, that devious ass. Usually he would demand Naruto stay awake during important meetings. If Naruto missed something then it was Sasuke's duty to fill him in later and he hated repetition. How had Kakashi missed the signs!
If only he had thought a little more, then he could have avoided Sasuke, Naruto, and role play night.
"mmmm… don't-don't stop!"
"Don't stop? Are you going to beg me for it? Are you going to be my slut?"
"Yes! Yes Sasuke-sama, I'm your little slut! Please don't stop!"
"And what's my slut going to do to convince me?"
"I wanna suck it. Please put it in my mouth!"
Kakashi drummed his hands against his ears to block out of the sound of Naruto pleasuring Sasuke. He wasn't sure how it was loud enough to get through the walls. Sure, last time the place had been cheap, but this time he had paid good money for silence! He was going to complain in the morning, this was absurd.
Their first go hadn't been so bad. From the conversation he had overheard, which was more fit for a bad porno, Naruto was a maid who hadn't cleaned the room properly. But angry-tenant-Sasuke was a lot more forgiving than the current exotic-slave-owner-on-his-way-back-from-a-new-purchase Sasuke. This Sasuke apparently needed to do a variety of kinky things to force his slave into submission.
Kakashi knew he should be disgusted, and he was, but he was also kind of jealous. He prided himself on being a chivalrous lover, kinds to the ladies, a safe, dare he say responsible choice. But being a chivalrous lover meant not asking his partners to do… unusual stuff. Sure, he had been with adventurous women, but they had never been as enthusiastic as Naruto sounded. Probably because Naruto had enough energy to power the whole of Konoha and when he put his mind to something he went after it with an overwhelming passion. And like Kakashi, Sasuke was a genius, accomplished in anything into which he put even a little effort. Together the sex must really be incredible. But still, some respect for everyone else in the building would be great.
Was he becoming a curmudgeon? Oh god he was. He was that old man who yelled at kids for walking on his lawn and shook his cane at babies. Cane-shaking-curmudgeon was one step from the grave. Okay, that was being melodramatic. But, curmudgeons didn't get laid, Kakashi was sure about that. Cool old people got laid. They didn't get mad at young people for having sex, they probably rejoiced in it, reliving their younger years or something.
Kakashi found it impossible to rejoice in the sound of Sasuke spanking Naruto. It was worse than the headboard. There was nothing he could imagine this time that wouldn't give him nightmares. Or an ulcer. Curmudgeons got ulcers right?
Fearing for his bodily well-being as well as his psychological health, Kakashi decided it would be best to leave the situation entirely. There was a pretty nice common room downstairs. No one would fault him for hogging the couch, right? He was a scary ninja with weapons and a spinney red eye and he was not above using said things to get a good night's sleep.
The couch was small, smelled of old ladies and cat dander, and was situated right next to a lamp that would not turn off. But none of that mattered. It was silent. Sighing in bliss, Kakashi snuggled into the lacy pillows and drifted off.
~*-:-*~
"Sensei… sensei…. KAKASHI-SENSEI!" A pair of bright blue eyes and a shock of yellow hair assaulted Kakashi's eyes as they sprung open. He jolted away, terror coursing through him. The last time he had heard Naruto screaming it had been Sasuke's name and he and Naruto had been, though very loud, safely tucked away in another room. Had he been somehow transported into that hell?
No. Calm, he needed calm. This was not a nightmare. It was just morning. The stench of the couch still lingered in the air, that damn light hadn't yet turned off despite the sunshine falling in through the windows, and Naruto was standing over him, finger raised to prod a previously immobile shoulder.
"What?" Kakashi said, sitting up and scratching the side of his face. The lacy pillowed seemed to have left an imprint on what skin was visible. Naruto drew back, that same frown that he had worn the last time he had been concerned about his old teacher's health was on his face now. Kakashi glanced back behind Naruto to see Sasuke calmly reading a book left on the table, though the corners of his mouth were twitching in a smirk. Oh that little bastard, he knew exactly what was going on and seemed quite proud of himself.
"Why are you down here? Didn't we pay for three rooms? Did we not have enough money? Was there something gross in your room?" Kakashi stared icily, but Naruto went on. "No! I know! The owner lady wanted to sleep with you right? I saw her eyeing you yesterday and I was sure she was going to make a move! Did you tie her up and run or something? Do we have to leave now, because I was looking forward to the complimentary breakfast?"
Kakashi, ignoring Naruto's rant, looked over at Sasuke again. Normally this much talking would rouse him to some kind of action. Even these days he was not above name calling and petty insults, although, now it seemed more like foreplay than anything else. Sasuke, feeling Kakashi's eyes on him, closed his book and slowly sauntered over to the couch.
"Naruto." His voice was terse, but low and Kakashi knew it was a teasing reminder of whatever-the-hell they had done the night before. Naruto instantly shut up, his focus instantly shifting to the man beside him. "Go get Sakura for breakfast."
"Don't order me around asshole!" Naruto muttered, but he made his way over to the stairs anyway, leaving Kakashi and Sasuke alone. They stared at each other in silence, each daring the other to say something about what they both knew really happened the previous night. After a minute, Sasuke smirked. Kakashi could translate that all right, that smug, self-satisfied look that clearly said what Sasuke wouldn't put in real words 'hahaha, I get hot kinky sex and all you get is a granny couch and a headache'.
Kakashi didn't want to give Sasuke the satisfaction of a response, verbal or not, so he simply stood from the couch and walked gracefully into the dining room. Well, it would have been graceful if his back hadn't been stiff from the awkward position. Kakashi would swear on his father's grave that he heard Sasuke's chuckle follow him as he left the room.
~*-:-*~
This time his feet lead him to the women's bath house. At first he wondered if his feet were telling him to find a nice lady and prove he was still able to hold his own in the world of love-making. But, as he passed the front gates and rounded the corner to the back of the complex, Kakashi realized his feet were merely brining him to his next source of embarrassing advice.
Jiraiya was crouching in a bush behind a fence, notebook in hand, cheeks a nice shade of pink as he watched ladies do whatever they do in the bath. Kakashi wasn't really sure. While he had always been successful in finding a bed partner, no matter how long they had been acquainted, he was a gentleman. Gentlemen did not spy on ladies in the bath. He waited until he was invited to join.
"What has he done this time?" Jiraiya muttered, not even glancing at Kakashi though it was obvious he was addressing him.
"What? Who?"
"That brat. Does he want more training? He should ask me himself." Ah, he was talking about Naruto. This was not how Kakashi had wanted the conversation to begin. Jiraiya was frustratingly smart and with his mind already on Naruto, he would find the connected between him and Kakashi's predicament right away.
"Ah, no. Nothing about Naruto."
"Did Tsunade send you?" This time his tone was more serious, though his eyes remained glued on the bath.
"No."
"So you've finally decided to join me in viewing the wonders of the fairer sex?"
"I just felt like having a chat." The moment he said it Kakashi knew he had made a huge tactical error. Jiraiya actually stood and looked over at him, his eyes shrewd. Before he could speak there was a shriek and suddenly a dozen ladies were yelling about perverts and tossing rocks and shoes, and a ton of other things which Kakashi had never imagined would be in a bathhouse, over the fence. Jiraiya sprinted away, cursing his luck but cackling all the same. Kakashi followed, knowing that if they saw even just the top of his head, his days of a chivalrous reputation were over.
They stopped running somewhere in the middle of town. Jiraiya said nothing; just lead him over to a small restaurant. The owner seemed to know him because no one came over to take their order. Jiraiya probably used the place often for confidential meetings, or he was like so many old men, always going to the same place and ordering the same thing. Kakashi made a mental note to start trying new restaurants.
"So, something's troubling you." Jiraiya studied what he could see of Kakashi's face. "It's not," He glanced pointedly an area of Kakashi now hidden under the table, "because I've never-"
"No!" Kakashi resisted the urge to put his face in his hands. Why did everyone think it was that?
"Humm, so if it's not that, and it's not about the brat…" Kakashi was a master of hiding his emotions, but he was still flustered from the attack on his manhood. One finger twitched and Jiraiya caught on at once. "It is about him! Is he trying another stupid new technique? Or did he finally see under that mask of yours?" Kakashi shook his head, but refused to say anything. Jiraiya raised an eyebrow, but sat back calmly. He studied Kakashi as the waiter brought tea, saying nothing until the man was back in the kitchen.
"I know it is something about Naruto, or else why come to me."
"I have no idea." Kakashi moaned to himself.
"Are you going to tell me or should I keep guessing?" Jiraiya asked, calmly sipping his tea. Kakashi took a moment to rally his thoughts. He wasn't really sure what the exact problem was, only that ever since that mission he had been unusually glum and sour.
"Naruto and Sasuke are having more sex than me." He muttered finally. Jiraiya leaned in.
"What?"
"Naruto and Sasuke are having more sex than me." He said, a bit more clearly. Jiraiya gazed at him for a few seconds, seemingly stunned, then burst into laughter.
"Did you just say-" he guffawed even louder "that you're seeking advice for the first time in your life because-" he was rocking back and forth, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.
"It's not just-" Kakashi said, suddenly insistent on getting out all the facts, "they aren't just doing simple-" he was working hard to make himself heard over the laughter, "it's inhuman!" He found he was nearly shouting, and glanced quickly to the door to make sure no one was coming to see what all the noise was about. Jiraiya's laughter trailed off as he wiped his eyes, a grin plastered over his face.
"Inhuman eh?" He chucked once more. "Of course it's inhuman. You think those two would have boring sex? They're excessive about everything; I'm surprised you haven't found them hanging from the ceiling." He shook his head exasperatedly. "But can you tell," he was suddenly eager, "did Naruto learn anything from my lessons? Is he ruling the kingdom of love?"
"What are you-?"
"Is Naruto's scepter dominating Uchiha's terrain?" Kakashi snorted in laughter.
"Naruto the seme? You really think Sasuke would let Naruto top him?"
"I taught that brat everything I know! He should be a master of love-making."
"Yeah, if he were having sex with a basket of bunnies." Jiraiya seemed deeply offended. There was silence for a few minutes as Jiraiya pouted. They received their food and Kakashi took his time eating.
"So, if you're mad about Sasuke and Naruto having more sex than you, and everything's working properly," another questioning glance down, "then just go do it." Jiraiya said casually.
"I…" Kakashi didn't know what to say.
"Ah, so this isn't about them having more sex, it's about them having sex. They grew up." He said wisely. "And now-"
"I feel old." Kakashi finished, his shoulders drooping.
"Well, you are." Jiraiya said through a mouthful of rice. Kakashi gaped at him.
"Excuse me?"
"Ninja years don't work like normal human years. You're old for a ninja."
"I am nowhere near the eldest-"
"But most shinobi your age don't go out on so many missions. They have administrative work, teaching, things like that. You have to be an exceptional case" at this Jiraiya puffed up as if putting himself on display, "to be out in the field so often."
"They asked me to take another position but I refused." Kakashi knew he sounded petulant, but his pride was wounded.
"Ah, but they asked." Jiraiya pointed at him meaningfully with a chicken leg. It was true. Kakashi's pride had taken so many hits that he was sure it would pass out and die.
There was silence for a few minutes as Jiraiya ate and Kakashi moped about the sad state of reality. So he really was old. Old enough to be pulled from the field and sent to a desk job.
Was this the end of 'Team Kakashi'? Would they re-name it once he was no longer a part of the team? What name would they choose? Naruto would demand they be 'Team Naruto' and when Sasuke shot that down he'd want 'Team Super Epic Awesome' or something like that, which would also get the veto from the other two members. Sasuke might put out 'Team Uchiha' just to annoy Naruto, despite the fact that Naruto was practically an Uchiha wife already. But Sakura had sense. She'd demand they keep 'Team Kakashi' for nostalgia, right? She'd always had the proper respect for her elders.
Before he could spiral into an endless circle of depressing thoughts about his own mortality, Jiraiya cleared his throat and spoke, his voice no longer taunting but, dare he say it, supportive.
"Age is completely relative. Did Momoko care when Hiroshi approached her, asking to be her personal bodyguard? Of course she didn't! She knew that with ages comes reliability, knowledge and perfected skills in all capacities." Kakashi wasn't sure that tales from Icha-Icha Diversion were the best basis for reality, but he was heartened nevertheless.
"Listen, it happens to all of us." Jiraiya continued, "One day the student surpasses the teacher. Everyone tells you that you should be proud, but really you just get cranky and start asserting your power by yelling at kids and making babies cry." Jiraiya took a big bite out of his chicken as if to emphasize the futility of these endeavors. In truth, he was probably just hungry after hours of peeping, but Kakashi pretended his actions were part of a code known only to wise sages who had been unwillingly outshined by their students.
"And there's nothing you can do about it?" Knowing the problem was one thing, being able to get over his burgeoning curmudgeon tendencies was something else completely. Jiraiya laughed loudly and Kakashi skillfully dodged a few pieces of chewed meat.
"Not unless you think you can beat them at having wild, crazy sex. And trust me, even if you could, you'd be hard pressed to find a woman who would be willing to even try." So, there was no hope for it. He just had to accept his fate. Preferably with his head held high and fewer encounters with thin walls or lacy pillows.
Kakashi stood. He hadn't really learned anything of use, but he supposed it could have been worse. Training with Gai had certainly been worse. Moving to the exit, he stopped before it.
"Thank you. And…" he hesitated before lowering his voice, "sometimes Sasuke wants Naruto to be on top, and from what I've heard he's pretty good at that too."
He left the restaurant, steps slow as he thought over what had just been confirmed. This was it. There was nothing left to do but practice the ninja's most valuable art, avoidance. He would refuse all future missions with Sasuke and Naruto, even if it was as simple as getting a cat out of a tree. They'd probably climb up there and end up having strange monkey sex or something while he was left to deal with the terrified feline.
Even if he could get the cat under control and get away, he'd still know what they were doing. Just the knowledge of their unsavory actions would probably depress him. Then he might seek more advice and there really was no one else to whom he could inadvertently declare his grief. Would he seek out a woman? No, they would just think he was propositioning them.
But what if he couldn't avoid more encounters with the sex-crazed duo? If Tsunade forced him to go on another mission, using his pay or, even worse, his treasured books as collateral (she was the Hokage, she could do anything) then what? It was the truth that his team was the best in the village, and despite the current peace between nations, there were many high ranking missions to complete. If he was truthful to himself, he knew there was really no way, now that his team had been reunited, to avoid missions.
Maybe he should accept that desk job…
No, this was it. He just needed to have a firm talk with Naruto or Sasuke. Naruto was the safest choice. If Kakashi were stern enough, and seemed slightly hurt, Naruto would instantly take pity. But would he be able to stop Sasuke's advances? Kakashi groaned. Of course he wouldn't. One "no! Stop!" and Sasuke would be all over him and they'd have kinky punishment sex. But talk to Sasuke? He remembered the night he had spent on the couch, and the smirk that Sasuke had given him, and that evil laugh that had haunted his dreams since. Could he really confront Sasuke and demand he stop doing his favorite activity?
He thought of Sasuke pursuing Itachi and a lump of fear rose in his throat.
If he couldn't come right out and say it, he'd have to employ the second most useful shinobi art, being sneaky. If he couldn't guilt Naruto into stopping these frequent, practically public erotic escapades for his poor old sensei's sake, he could trick Naruto into doing it for himself. With his hands full of a distressed Naruto, Sasuke could do nothing but see to his lovers concerns and stop his indecent behavior.
Kakashi could practically feel his biological clock reversing as the perfect plan evolved in his mind.
~*-:-*~
The only tricky thing that could impede his plan was the Sasuke-factor. He was sure to keep tabs on everything Naruto did. Kakashi wasn't sure if it was out of affection or concern or just plain possessiveness, but Sasuke always seemed too attentive when it came to Naruto. Not to say that Naruto wasn't a tad possessive over Sasuke too, judging by the fact that once Naruto had thrown an overly touchy-feely man into the street by his ankles for trying to cuddle with Sasuke at a bar. Why anyone but Naruto would even approach Sasuke in that way, Kakashi would never know. He was too damn scary.
But Kakashi had a trump card. It was no secret that Tsunade was preparing Naruto to be the next Hokage. They already spent hours holed up in her office, or out monitoring the village. But Tsunade was a busy woman and she couldn't spend every hour of the day helping Naruto. So who would she logically call in for assistance but Kakashi himself? All he needed to do was hint to Naruto that he was, unofficially, helping train him to accomplish his biggest dream.
Spending time with Naruto would lead to a closer bond, and a closer bond would lead to deeper conversations, and in these deeper conversations, that was where Kakashi would plant the seed that would blossom into his salvation. It was perfect.
~*-:-*~
The plan, all in all, was simple, and Kakashi prided himself on his streamlined ingenuity. He had always told his students to look beneath the beneath. Or was it underneath the underneath? Or maybe under the beneath? Either way, he was now employing his own lesson. Sure, Naruto and Sasuke's relationship looked like something out of the beautiful pages of Icha Icha, but was it really?
Well, probably. Icha Icha, despite Jiraiya's use of it as an educating tool in their last meeting, was really just a bunch of books about passion and lust, and a whole lot of sex. That was Naruto and Sasuke's relationship. Sex. Therein lay the weakness.
Naruto loved sex, this was obvious. But more than sex, he loved love. All kinds of love. He had fatherly love from Iruka and teacher-ly love from Kakashi and sisterly love from Sakura and even some hero-worship-love from the citizens. What he needed to complete his circle of happiness and rainbows was romantic love. That was what he was missing, and what Kakashi would make Naruto remember he wanted. Love, not sex.
Kakashi thought, as he first formulated his plan, that said plan was perfectly harmless. Then, upon reconsideration he wondered if he could actually damage his student's relationship and feel guilty afterwards. Then, reconsidering the reconsideration, he realized he would be doing them a favor, no matter how things turned out. Making Naruto evaluate his relationship with Sasuke on the basis of love was a good thing. Making him doubt Sasuke's deeper feelings would bring out issues they had probably never discussed. Had Sasuke ever told Naruto he loved him? Had they even gone out on a date before rutting on the nearest solid surface?
Kakashi was pretty darn sure Sasuke loved Naruto. He was the whole 'just by paying any remote attention to you I am showing you that I care' type. Sasuke showed Naruto enough attention for a love bordering on fanatic obsession. Deep down Naruto knew this, but being an expressive person, he was probably yearning for Sasuke to do something more obvious. Kakashi needed only to play into this, to build the doubt in Naruto's mind, and watch as Naruto refused Sasuke's sexual advances in the hope of seeing more romantic gestures.
He was expecting it would go something like this:
The setting, Hokage mountain, sunset, tired muscles from a day of intensive training and bonding and stuff.
"Naruto," Kakashi would say, "how are things?"
"Training's going great! Thanks a lot sensei!" Naruto would smile a smile of true friendship and Kakashi would know it was the perfect time to execute his plan.
"I don't mean training, I mean personally. How are things with Sasuke?" Naruto would probably go off on some tangent about how Sasuke was a bastard who used all the shampoo and wouldn't eat ramen for breakfast, but the whole time he would be smiling that frustrating 'the sex is the best thing in my life' smile.
Then Kakashi would interrupt with something like "You know, I think it's excellent how much he's changed. I never would have believed it, Sasuke actually caring about someone else, being romantic... candlelit dinners, evening strolls, special presents…" Naruto would laugh, but he would shuffle around uncomfortably.
"He doesn't do that. That stuffs for girls." Kakashi would laugh too and agree.
"You're right. But surely he's taken you on a date?" And Naruto's smile would falter.
"We haven't… well… I mean… we're both really busy. You know, we're shinobi! We have missions and…stuff." Kakashi would throw in a sage nod here.
"Of course, we haven't been on a mission in a few days. It's not that hard to stop training early and go out and get a meal together." Naruto would consider this.
"Yeah… I mean… Sakura and I meet up for dinner sometimes. We went to barbeque with Chouji and Ino last week…"
"Even I've taken you out for surprise ramen." Kakashi would joke, and Naruto's face would fall a little more.
"But you know… he's Sasuke." Naruto would rationalize. Kakashi wouldn't have to say anything; Naruto would already see how weak that argument was. Kakashi would leave a long, pensive silence before speaking again.
"I suppose dinner dates aren't that important. It's not Sasuke's style to buy affection" Naruto would be heartened by this; he'd start saying something like "yeah! Yeah!" but Kakashi would cut him off, "as long as he shows it some other way. You know, tells you he loves you." Naruto would freeze, his body clenching before falling limp, and Kakashi would know he'd done it.
"Well h-he…" Naruto would stutter, trying to find a way to convince himself that Kakashi was asking far too much of Sasuke. But Naruto would wish so desperately to hear those words that there would be no way of getting around his growing gloom.
"He's never told you… oh, I see." Kakashi would have to make sure to sound worried, and a bit sad, not gleeful. "Have you told him?" A gentle, fatherly voice was best here. Naruto would probably be too choked up to speak, he'd just nod. "And when you do, what does he say?" It would take a bit, but Naruto would get his voice under control.
"He just tells me I'm an idiot and then we…" Naruto would blush and Kakashi would know that means 'and then we have really steamy sex'. Kakashi would nod sagely once again, maybe throwing in a sigh. At this point, hopefully, Naruto would put together the pieces. His love was met with sex. All Sasuke wanted was sex. To find the love he would have to stop the sex and see what happens.
If Naruto didn't make this connection, Kakashi would have to delve a bit deeper than he really wanted to. He'd probably ask something like "Is that what Sasuke does every time you want to be serious?" or "Is sex the only thing Sasuke makes time for?" or "When was the last time you slept in the same bed and just cuddled?". He really didn't want to ask those questions however.
If all went well, Naruto would go home and demand that Sasuke stop sexing him up at every opportunity and take him out for dinner instead. Sasuke would either give in and force himself to suffer through withdraw, or fight against Naruto, making Naruto even angrier with him. That fight was what made Kakashi doubt the morality his plan for a second, but he figured it would be Sasuke's fault, not his, for not seeing to all of Naruto's many needs.
It was really the perfect plan, and a week after formulating it and setting everything up, he was ready to finally put it into action.
~*-:-*~
The stage was set.
Kakashi, after a day of hard but rewarding training, had told Naruto to go home, take a shower, and meet him on top of Hokage mountain for a review of their work. Naruto had gleefully agreed and bounded off. Kakashi had chortled to himself and gone to take his own shower. He even sang during it, that was how happy he was feeling.
When he was squeaky clean and almost bursting with anticipation, he hurried to the meeting point. He idly wondered if it would be best to get there before Naruto, so that he could set the scene of patient, caring teacher waiting for his favorite student, or after, so Naruto could have some contemplative, staring into the distance time.
It turned out that Kakashi didn't have a choice. He could hear Naruto's voice as he neared the spot. That singing must have lasted longer than he… wait. Why was Naruto talking? Who was he-?
"Sasuke? What are you doing here?" Alert! Red alert! Kakashi veered off the path, diving into a nearby bush. He agreed with Naruto, why the hell was Sasuke there!
"I thought you'd come up here." Sasuke voice was low, velvety. It was a sex voice if Kakashi ever heard one. Perhaps Kakashi could use this. Maybe he could wait until after their sex was done, come late as per usual, and make Naruto feel even more horrible, discussing Sasuke's lack of affection while covered in evidence of his- Well, it was a good plan.
Kakashi snuck from the bush to a closer tree. He didn't want to see them having sex, hearing it was bad enough, but he wanted to know where they did it so he didn't inadvertently sit there later. He already avoided Sasuke's couch, dinner table and porch swing like the plague.
Sasuke was standing, silhouetted by the sunset. He had reached out a hand to Naruto, who hesitantly took it. Sasuke pulled him closer, his other hand rising to cup Naruto's face.
"Yeah, so? I'm busy you bastard." There was no heat in Naruto's voice, probably because it was out of his power to deny Sasuke's touch. Despite that, his eyes were darting about nervously; he was probably worried about Kakashi finding them in such an intimate embrace. Yeah, like Kakashi didn't know anything about their escapades.
"It's going to be a beautiful sunset." Sasuke's voice was still low, but Kakashi barely detected any huskiness in it now. "You always come here to think when there is a beautiful sunset." Did he? Kakashi hadn't known that. Well good, Naruto would automatically be in a pensive mood. "I wanted to join today. Watch the sunset with you." Sasuke pulled Naruto closer and they both sank onto the grass, Naruto sitting between Sasuke's legs, cocooned in his arms. He seemed to have forgotten all arguments against Sasuke being there.
This was it, sex time. Kakashi prepared to evacuate as soon as possible after memorizing each blade of grass that could be affected by his students love making.
But… there wasn't sex. He waited minute after long minute, muscles tensed for a fast escape. But there was nothing. Naruto seemed puzzled too. He reclined against Sasuke's chest, but his eyes kept darting back and forth between the horizon and Sasuke's hands around his waist. Noticing this, Sasuke shifted, leaning Naruto's head against his shoulder and running his fingers slowly through Naruto's golden hair.
What the hell? Naruto was perfectly relaxed now. He was practically purring as Sasuke petted his head. Maybe it was still okay. Maybe Sasuke was luring Naruto into a false sense of security. Maybe every once in a while they had slow, sensual sex. Kakashi couldn't believe he was actually anticipating his students fornicating. What was the world coming to!
Sasuke stirred again and Kakashi's eyes lit up. Slowly Sasuke moved Naruto away from him, turning him around slightly so they could look each other in the eye. Yes! There was no doubt about it now! Sasuke was going to-
"I know I never tell you Naruto. I never really show it. It's just, hard, after all that's happened to me, to us…it's hard to say it, to show that side… but, I promise you it's true." His voice was soft and strained and practically screamed 'I'm a tortured soul who needs affection, care about me!'.
"Sasuke, what-"
"I love you."
What. The. Hell. Had Kakashi fallen into some alternate universe? Maybe he had fallen asleep and this was just some terrible dream and he would wake up to find Naruto and Sasuke rolling around like animals, not spouting love confessions.
Naruto also seemed bewildered. Did he not believe Sasuke? There were tears running down his cheeks and... no! Those were not sad, disbelieving tears. Those were 'oh my god someone I love loves me back and I've never been this happy' tears.
"Every time you tell me I think it, I shout it in my head, but I can never seem to say it. But I promise, I do. I have since the moment you told me. Since before, since I realized that I couldn't live without you, that every thought of you in the years while we were apart tore at my heart. I wouldn't believe it, not until you kicked my ass and dragged me home, but I felt it. I…love you, and I always will." Naruto was outright sobbing now. He flung himself into Sasuke's chest and they rocked side to side, Naruto whispering 'IloveyouIloveyou' over and over until Sasuke kissed him.
Kakashi was sure he was going to throw up. In fact, he maybe have already projectile vomited onto a passing chipmunk without realizing it. It wasn't that he hated love, or showing love, or overly sappy declarations of love, it was just all that planning, all the extra training and the ramen and the 'heart to heart's, all for nothing!
He had been sure Sasuke would never verbalize his affection, let alone set up a romantic sunset confession. Now that Naruto was assured that Sasuke loved him, and apparently would do so forever, there was no chance he would stop the sex. None. Naruto would probably want sex more now that he was be one hundred percent sure it was sex with someone who loved him.
Sasuke and Naruto were still kissing. The sun was setting a brilliant red and yellow, making Naruto's hair glow like spun gold and Sasuke's family crest gleam as if proudly reborn in its last son. It was perfect, and Kakashi could do nothing but hold in his distraught shouts as he fled back to the village.
~*-:-*~
He was doing his best to avoid asking for advice again. Every time his feet started wandering he reined them in, picking a new destination and sticking to it. He didn't want to tell anyone else about his plight. Besides, what would he say, my students are madly in love and having mind-blowing sex and I'm jealous? Like that would gain him any sympathy. Everyone and their mother knew that Naruto deserved love more than anyone, and if he found that love with Sasuke, well, then it was just more wonderful. Friends to enemies to lovers, the perfect circle.
After spending most of his time holed up in his house or wandering the isles of the bookstore (these were the two places he could safely direct his feet in times of potential advice-wandering), Kakashi ventured out to the training grounds, thinking maybe he could get over his gloom at his failed plan and come up with something new while doing something mindless and violent.
Unfortunately, when he arrived at his chosen training spot it was already occupied. Two blurred shapes darted around, the clang of kunai loud in the midmorning lull. He turned around, hoping against hope that he didn't know those shinobi well enough for them to want to chat. He was afraid of what he'd say with a willing audience.
But, before he could make it more than three strides, a voice called out loudly from behind him.
"Kakashi-sensei! Wait up!" It was Naruto. He turned, reluctantly meeting the gaze of his old student.
Naruto was beaming. It was like he had seen the face of god or something equally as magnificent. Maybe it was a pregnant glow. Not that Naruto could get pregnant, but Kakashi was sure Sasuke was trying as hard as he could.
"Yes Naruto?" He tried to sound completely uninterested.
"I'm sorry I missed our talk the other day! I went up to the mountain but…" His smile, if possible, became more love struck as he turned to glance at Sasuke. Kakashi looked over too. Sasuke sent a quiet, affectionate smile back to Naruto, then caught eyes with Kakashi. His smile morphed into a smirk. A small, devilish smirk. A smirk Kakashi remembered seeing all too well as he lay on the couch of a small inn.
That asshole.
That malicious bastard.
He KNEW! He had been one step ahead the whole time!
Somehow, Sasuke had known Kakashi was going to use his lack of open affection against him and had planned the whole thing just to thwart him! He had probably even known Kakashi was there, watching them!
Anger boiled in Kakashi and if he hadn't known that getting into a fight with Sasuke had the potential to destroy half the village, he would have attacked. In fact, he was planning on attacking never mind the risk. The buildings on this side of the village were old anyway. Better to die avenged than live with such-
"Sensei, are you okay? I'm sorry I missed our meeting but to be fair you never showed up so I'm not even sure why I'm the one who's apologizing." Naruto. Poor, innocent (well, partially) Naruto. He knew nothing about Kakashi and Sasuke's scheming. All he wanted was some love (and a lot of sex) and Kakashi had helped give that to him. Could he really seek vengeance for that?
Admitting complete and utter defeat, Kakashi reigned in his anger, took a deep breath, and turned around, leaving the training grounds.
"Sensei! I said I was sorry!" Naruto sounded annoyed, determined to get his apology accepted. Maybe he was worried that Kakashi wouldn't want to train him any longer. Well, he wouldn't have to bother with that anymore.
"Hey! Where are you going?" Naruto called after him. Kakashi didn't stop walking, he didn't turn around. He just imagined the triumphant smirk on Sasuke's face.
"I need to see the Hokage about a desk job." He disappeared over the hill, Sasuke's laughter and Naruto's mutter of "I guess he really is getting old..." echoing in his ears.