11/11/2014
Heartbeat
The large and rather intimidating staircase was the first thing that caught my eyes as our whole party approached the palace. Much like it did, the first time I arrived there during my training as a handmaiden when I was a little girl. It was hard to imagine the last time I was here was more than ten years ago. During those ten years I had completed my training and had served for a number of different politicians and royalty. Today, I was returning to Naboo's capital to begin a new chapter of my life. I would now be serving as hand maiden for Queen Jamillia alongside of her seven other best handmaidens.
As we were reaching the last step and nearing the grand entrance one of the other new handmaidens draped in the long, classic, yellow gown turned to me.
"Do you feel prepared? This is it," Her dark, rich eyes that most women native to the planet seemed to have, stood out against the noticeable yellow covering most of her skin.
"Yes, of course. Best wishes to you," I lied and forced a smile. Because after all these years I still have never felt prepared. How could I ever really be prepared to lose my life?
That was the very first day I ever met Anakin. Right away I could tell that there was something about him that was different from everyone else. He stood there looking strong and calm silently guarding Queen Jamillia's throne room. I remember his playful eyes and his expressions as he tried so desperately not to laugh at some absolutely absurd remarks spoken by the Queen's advisors. He had to play the part at all times, he couldn't let himself slip up. He was a Jedi, after all. But unlike me, Anakin wasn't pretending. As I later would find out, he truly was courageous and strong and he would be the one person to make me feel safe in a world where I thought that was impossibility. I remember the heat I felt on my cheeks, as I began to worry that my eyes may have met the crystalline in his too many times in that short hour.
The first words I heard him spoke woke me up from the trance he'd put me in, "that's why I would think it would be the best idea in this case that Elle would serve as the Queen's full-time decoy m'lady it's in your best interest," I heard him say all of this midsentence, because apparently I didn't find it important to do anything else but to study every inch of Anakin's face during the meeting(and now I was convinced that he wasn't even human, he had to be some other kind of celestial being, humans weren't that flawless.) Those words snapped me right out of it. NO, NO, NO—was all my mind could think. There was absolutely no way I was skilled enough, trained well enough, or let alone brave enough to serve as Jamillia's decoy. I knew full and well that a majority of politicians' decoys would be killed. It was the highest honor position for a handmaiden to serve, but it just wasn't what I wanted for my life. I was so young, I was so afraid.
Without giving it much more thought or analyzing what speaking out like this meant for me I blurted out,
"No!" Loudly enough that the whole group of about 20 abruptly stopped talking.
The Queen pursed her lips as if she was too angry to really gather what she wanted to say at the moment. The other handmaidens began turning to each other in confusion and looks of disgust around me, probably wondering why on earth I would ever object to the position of decoy.
Anakin, standing right by the Queen at her desk looked right at me. He was giving me this pained look that I couldn't quite describe. For a moment, I thought I grasped what the look was, Compassion. I thought perhaps he cared and wondered what was going on in my mind.But then after a minute, his disposition just conformed to the rest of the bewildered and stern looks in the room. I let my eyes wander the room trying to do anything to avoid his stare. What was I thinking speaking my mind like that? A handmaiden never disrespects her authority, let alone speaks in a public setting at all. I was humiliated.