What Happens in Outer Space, Stays in Outer Space
by rkOujirou

Author's note: This story takes place in the timeline of Tenchi Universe and is rated M for mature situations. I'm about 20 years late to the party for writing Tenchi stuff, but sometimes you get this idea and you just have to do it, y'know? Doesn't matter how old the series is, you just have to sit down and write the thing. I'd always wanted to write at least one story for Tenchi anyway, so here we go!

Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo! is not my idea and I don't own it or any of the characters, obviously.

Evenings in the spring, according to those in the Masaki household, were especially good times to enjoy a few drinks amongst themselves. Granted, they would often say the same of evenings in the summer, fall, and winter, but nonetheless, Tenchi, his father and grandfather, and the unusual collection of tenants who had come to live at their home had planned on sharing some drinks on this cool spring evening—aside from the underage Tenchi and Sasami, of course, and likely Washu as well considering how busy she always kept herself in her lab. This time around, they had also made sure they had a sufficient amount of sake on hand so Tenchi wouldn't need to be sent off to fetch more.

Amongst those living there, arguably no one enjoyed a good round of drinking more than the space pirate, Ryoko. She had even gone off to take a nap after tonight's dinner, just to make sure she would be full of energy later on.

By the time Ryoko had begun to stir, it was already later into the evening than she had anticipated awakening. She hadn't bothered to close her blinds before settling in for her nap, which allowed the moonlight outside to not only sneak into her room, but also shine right down onto her face. Eventually, that persistent glare was enough to rouse her from her slumber.

Ryoko opened her eyes and, after a moment, sat up. She raised her arms up over her head, giving her whole body a healthy stretch. "Mmm, that was a good nap." Though she had a clock in her room, she didn't bother taking the time to look at it. Right now, she figured, was probably somewhere in the ballpark of when the fun would be starting downstairs.

Feeling alive and refreshed, Ryoko popped up from her bed. She was ready to head out. "All right, let's go!"

Out the door, to the end of the hall and down the stairs Ryoko went, hopping over the railing halfway down the staircase for extra style points. She strolled into the living space where everyone would surely be waiting, ready and raring to go. It was awfully quiet in that room—unusually so, but understandable considering she, the life of any gathering, hadn't yet arrived, she thought.

Ryoko marched over to the couch obstructing her view of the party and, eager to make her arrival known, leaned over the top of it. "Hey, guess who's…here?"

Ryoko batted her eyes. To a degree, the sight laid out before her was what she had expected. Tenchi, Nobuyuki, and Katsuhito were sitting around the table along with Ayeka, Sasami, and even Mihoshi, who had been left here by her partner for a change. The table itself was littered with sake bottles and snack plates. It was all as Ryoko would have imagined, only…not quite what she had in mind. Half of the sake bottles were empty, and nearly all of the snacks had been eaten. And the reason everyone had been quiet, she realized, wasn't due to her absence, but rather was because they had all fallen asleep—Tenchi and Sasami with their heads on the table, Nobuyuki and Katsuhito with their backs up against each other, Mihoshi using Ayeka's midsection as a pillow whilst they slept on the floor.

At first, Ryoko quietly tried to piece everything together, thinking there had to be some explanation for this scene other than the obvious one. Gradually, however, the reality of it all began to sink in. "Hey!" she roared. "You guys did everything already?"

The outburst wasn't enough to stir those who had been drinking or the younger Sasami, but it did at least bring Tenchi back around. "Hmm? Ryoko?" He looked up wearily.

Floating over to the other side of the couch, Ryoko, teary-eyed, grabbed Tenchi by his collar. "Tenchiiii, why? Why didn't you wake me up?"

"Huh? But…Ayeka went to check on you," Tenchi said. "She said you wanted us to go ahead without you."

Ryoko turned a sharp look on Ayeka. It all made perfect sense now. "Ayeka, you bitch!" Steaming on the inside, she brought her attention back to Tenchi. "Whatever! There's still plenty of sake left. We can have our own little party. Right, Tenchi?"

To Ryoko's dismay, Tenchi merely waved her off and laid his head back down on the table. "Sorry, Ryoko. I'm too tired. Maybe another time."

"What? But, Tenchi…" Ryoko shook Tenchi some, but he was having none of it. Tenchi seemed intent on getting some shuteye whether Ryoko liked it or not.

Gnashing her teeth, Ryoko gathered into her arms the four sake bottles that remained unopened. "Fine! Forget you guys," she snarled. "I don't need you! I'll go drink with Washu instead!"

Ryoko stormed out of the room, right back to the staircase she'd just descended. Underneath that staircase sat the storage closet that served as Washu's laboratory. Hanging out with Washu wasn't exactly her idea of a good time, but it sure beat drinking by herself; that would just be depressing. Adjusting the bottles she carried to free up a hand, she flung the door to the lab open.

"Washu! Let's…uhh…"

Ryoko stood there with her mouth agape. Gone was the collection of lights and gadgets she was accustomed to seeing in Washu's lab. All of it had been replaced by the vast darkness and numerous stars that made up outer space.

"S-…space?" Ryoko shook her head and looked again. She wasn't seeing things; this was definitely outer space, complete with everything you'd expect of it…including a comet that appeared to be on a collision course with her. The comet approached in a hurry, and Ryoko, not looking forward to taking on the giant rock, yanked the door shut for her own safety.

Wide-eyed, Ryoko leaned back against the door for a moment. "On second thought, maybe I'll leave her be."

Washu appeared to be messing around with dimensional something-or-rathers again, and Ryoko wanted no part of that. Unfortunately, that also left her with one less option for a drinking partner.

"This sucks! Who else is there to drink with?" Ryoko thought about it some. There weren't a great number of answers; in fact, there was only one, and Ryoko slumped over when she finally came to it. "There's only Ryo-Ohki, isn't there?" Sighing, she dragged her feet across the floor. "Well, at least I can always count on her. That's fine, I guess."

Ryo-Ohki was always easy to find thanks to the telepathic link Ryoko shared with her. But, as was often the case these days, telepathy wouldn't even be necessary this time around. Ryoko went straight to the room Ayeka and Sasami used. Sure enough, there was Ryo-Ohki lying next to Sasami's pillow, right in the same spot she slept every other night. Ryo-Ohki had gotten tired and dozed off there earlier, not knowing Sasami would fall asleep downstairs as she had.

"Ryo-Ohki?" Ryoko stepped over to the furry creature and knelt down. "Ryo-Ohki, wake up."

When words alone didn't do the trick, Ryoko picked Ryo-Ohki up by the scruff of her neck and gave her a jiggle. "Ryo-Ohki!"

Letting out a light groan, Ryo-Ohki opened her eyes partway. "Meow?"

"Wakey wakey." Ryoko smiled. "Ryo-Ohki, let's go have a drink."

Ryo-Ohki, not looking very enthused about the idea, allowed her eyes to close again. "Meoooowww."

"Hey, what kind of attitude is that? You'd rather go back to sleep than hang out with me?"

"Meoooow meow."

"Oh, really?" Ryoko, wearing a sly look, set down Ryo-Ohki. Reaching behind her, she then produced a small basket with half a dozen carrots inside. "Maybe these would change your mind?"

Faced with the temptation of carrots, Ryo-Ohki sprang to life. "Meow! Meow!"

"Now you're talking!" Ryoko said. "Come on, let's go."

After a quick ascension up through the ceiling and the rest of the house, Ryoko had brought Ryo-Ohki up to the roof with her, which is where she had decided they would enjoy their time together.

Over the course of their fun, Ryoko laughed and chatted away, and Ryo-Ohki chimed in as only she could while being mostly focused on her carrots (and the couple sips of sake Ryoko had given her). There was really nothing wrong with the company Ryo-Ohki provided; Ryoko had known her longer than any of the others and was plenty comfortable around her. There was something to be said for the value of interacting with people, however, and two full bottles of sake later, with Ryoko well past crossing the line from tipsy to drunk, she was missing that interaction.

"Riiiiight, Ryo-Ohki? Isn't Ayeka an awful person?"

"Meeeooooww."

"Even for her, that was low to leave me out like that!"

"Meeeooooww."

"And everyone knew I wanted to be there, too! They should have known not to believe her!"

"Meeeooooww."

Ryoko broke open her third sake bottle, taking a giant swig to start in on it. "Puah! Ahh, I'm bored! I want someone to talk to! Someone human! No offense, Ryo-Ohki."

Ryo-Ohki was too loopy from the sake to care any about the comment. She was entirely content to just roll around on her back with what was left of her last carrot while she listened to Ryoko ramble on.

One more giant gulp of sake later, Ryoko flopped back against the roof. As she lay there staring up at the starry sky, she thought of ways she could get back at Ayeka for tonight. Maybe it was because she had been so focused on Ayeka that Ryoko was surprised when a thought came to her: there was a particular reason Mihoshi had ended up staying the night there, and that reason was somewhere up in space amongst those stars she was looking at. "That's it! There is someone still around to drink with!"

With an excited, yet mischievous smile, Ryoko jolted upright. "Ryo-Ohki, what do you say we go for a ride, huh?"

Whether or not it was thanks to the effects of the alcohol, Ryoko's adventurous spirit felt contagious to Ryo-Ohki right now. She was in. "Meow, meow!"

Somewhere near the outer rings of Saturn, the Galaxy Police patrol ship Yagami was presently drifting along at a slow rate of speed. At its helm, Kiyone, the lone detective aboard the ship, licked her finger and turned the page on a novel she was reading. She wasn't all that alert at the moment given her investment in the story, but should any of the ship's alarms go off, one had better believe she was ready to snap to attention.

The Galaxy Police's search for a man with a warrant out for his arrest had led to the order for Kiyone and Mihoshi to patrol the Solar System area tonight. Galaxy Police Headquarters did admit that the likelihood of their target being in the vicinity wasn't great, however, and Kiyone, based on the information she'd seen, concurred. Kiyone wasn't opposed to the patrol regardless of that, but she did seek to use the opportunity to her advantage by insisting it was a one-person job. Her superior agreed.

Thus, Kiyone had talked her way into a small break from her oft-frustrating partner, Mihoshi. And boy did she ever need it after watching Mihoshi botch thing after thing during their part-time jobs on Earth over the past few days. Maybe sitting there reading a novel throughout what was probably a fruitless patrol wasn't the most exciting way to spend such a break. It was peaceful and quiet, though, and that was really all Kiyone could ask for.

If only she knew how short-lived her peace would be.

Kiyone had just gotten to a good part in her book when a warning flashed on the screen of Yagami's control panel and the accompanying alert bleeps sounded off. Jarred from her state of tranquility, Kiyone lunged for the panel to get a beat on what was going down.

"What the…? A ship?"

Yagami had detected another vehicle approaching, and Kiyone was quick to gather additional details. "It's coming this way fast. It's not much smaller than Yagami, either. Was he out here after all?"

Kiyone was taking the necessary precautions to prepare for either a battle or a chase depending on the fugitive's actions. The other ship was already closing in on her location. As it came within the needed range for Yagami to get a visual, its speed slowed dramatically. Kiyone had no idea what to make of the move, at least until she brought the image of the ship up on her screen. At that point, she was left confused in an entirely different way. As it turned out, the ship did belong to a wanted criminal, just not the one Kiyone had expected.

"Ryo-Ohki?" Kiyone gawked at the familiar sight. "Wh-…why?"

While Kiyone was focused on what was in front of her, a playful, intoxicated prankster teleported in from behind. Staying afloat to remain as quiet as possible, Ryoko snuck up on Kiyone with the neck of her fourth and last sake bottle in hand—she'd finished off the third one on the way there—and wrapped her arms tightly around the detective. "Ki-yo-neee!"

"GYAAAAAHH!" Kiyone screamed, flinging her novel away in fright. She whirled around, clutching at her chest. "R-R-Ryoko! You nearly gave me a heart attack! What are you doing here?"

Giddy as could be over scaring the daylights out of the woman, Ryoko plopped herself down on the edge of Kiyone's vacated seat. "Ahh, that was fun," she said. "Kiyoneeee, guess what? We were all supposed to drink together tonight, but no one came to wake me up!"

Somehow, the news really didn't come as a surprise to Kiyone. "Considering how you get when you drink, I honestly can't blame them."

"Whatever," Ryoko muttered. "Anyway, you're drinking with me now."

"What?" Kiyone said, exasperated. "Why me?"

"You're the only one who's not asleep or screwing around in some other dimension. Deal with it."

"Deal wi-…how is it my responsibility to keep you entertained? In case you've forgotten, you're a wanted woman, and I'm on duty! You can't be here!"

"Helloooo, space pirate?" Ryoko waved her hand in the air. "In case you've forgotten, I go where I want. Right, Ryo-Ohki?"

Ryo-Ohki, who had returned to her smaller form when she entered Yagami, raised a paw in agreement. "Meow!"

Kiyone gave her forehead a stiff slap. She's right! What was I thinking trying to reason with someone like her? That's impossible even when she's sober! What should I do? I can't let anyone know she's here. I could lose my job, or even be charged with aiding and abetting a fugitive!

"Oh, relax," Ryoko said. She could practically see the stress swirling around Kiyone's body. "Jeez, you're always so serious."

"Of course I am!" Kiyone snapped. "Taking your job seriously is part of being a responsible adult!"

Ryoko nearly choked on her mouthful of sake at those last couple of words. Once she'd gotten it under control, she swallowed. "Responsible adult, huh? Sucks for you!"

Her eye twitching, Kiyone raked her fingers through her hair, turning it into a frazzled mess. Urrrrrgh! She drives me crazy!

"Knock that off and sit down already." Ryoko grabbed Kiyone by the wrist and yanked her down into the chair, drawing a surprised yelp from the Galaxy Police detective. Draping an arm over Kiyone's shoulder, she then offered her the bottle of sake. "Drink up! There's lots left."

"No thanks," Kiyone promptly declined. The smell of alcohol on Ryoko's breath was so strong she had to turn away. "Just how much have you had to drink?"

"Not. Nearly. Enough," Ryoko answered. She gulped down another swig to drive home her point.

This is SO bad right now, Kiyone thought. Maybe if she drinks enough and passes out, I can stuff her in the cargo bay or something until my patrol is over.

Down on the floor, Ryo-Ohki actually did look ready to doze off again after her meal and the tiring flight here. Ryoko, on the other hand, still seemed to have some life in her as she inspected the inside of Yagami's cockpit. "What do you do around here anyway?"

"I work," Kiyone told her.

With a shrewd smirk, Ryoko pointed to the novel Kiyone had been reading prior to the arrival of her visitors. "That's what you call work, huh? Must be rough."

"Sh-shut up!" Kiyone retorted. "Patrol gets boring sometimes, especially way out here!"

Ryoko got a good chuckle out of the response, feeling as though she'd gotten the better of Kiyone on that one. "Hey, hey, let's talk about Tenchi!"

"Tenchi?" Kiyone inched back away from her. "What about him?"

"He's a sweetie, isn't he?"

"Err…I guess so."

Sensing a lack of enthusiasm, Ryoko eyed Kiyone more closely. "You know, you're one of the only ones that doesn't have a thing for Tenchi. What's with you, huh? What don't you like about him?"

"It's...it's not like that," Kiyone said. "I just don't have time for romance these days, so I don't think about it."

"Hmm, so you say." Ryoko leaned in closer, raising an eyebrow. "Maybe you're just one of those types they call…frigid?"

If the way Kiyone's nose crinkled was any indication, that word didn't sit well with her one bit. "I am NOT! I've had boyfriends before!"

"Really?" Ryoko said, intrigued. "What happened to them, then?"

Kiyone, appearing hesitant to answer, looked away. Ryoko wasn't about to let it go so easily, though. She poked and prodded Kiyone, literally, trying to get an answer out of her. "Well? Well? Well?"

Somewhere around the tenth poke, Kiyone had had enough. "Fine! You want to know what happened? Every single time, Mihoshi would meet them, and then the guy would fall for her instead!"

"Ahahaha! You're kidding!" Ryoko could just picture that scenario playing out in her mind, and it was hysterical. "So she didn't just screw up your professional life, but your personal life, too?"

Kiyone knew as much having mulled over that reality more than anyone could imagine. Still, having it laid out for her so bluntly like that was a shock to her system. Sulking, she hung her head.

"Awww, it's all right. I feel for you." Ryoko patted her on the shoulder.

All of a sudden, that sake Ryoko was holding looked immensely appealing to Kiyone. "Give me that!" She grabbed the bottle away and brought it to her mouth, downing the strong liquid within as smoothly as if it were water.

"Wooo! That's the spirit!" Ryoko applauded her for at last giving in. "Well, at least you know Mihoshi will never leave you, right? No matter where you go, she'll stick with you for the rest of your life."

That very thought made Kiyone gag on her drink. "D-don't say such awful things!"

Ryoko couldn't stop laughing on the inside. Messing with Kiyone, she found, could be quite a bit of fun. Now, she felt a growing desire to see just how far she could take it. "Still, with things the way they are, you must be pretty pent-up, if you know what I mean. Or, maybe you relieve it yourself?"

It didn't occur to Kiyone right away what Ryoko was alluding to. Once it finally did set in, though, a blush quickly spread across her face. "Wh-what are you talking about? I…I wouldn't-!"

"You mean you don't? That's terrible!" The alcohol in her system urging her on, Ryoko moved her lips up by Kiyone's ear and started to speak in a low, sultry voice. "You know, if you asked nicely, I might be willing to help you out."

Kiyone felt a shiver run down her spine. In no time at all, she sprung to her feet, picked Ryoko up, and unceremoniously dumped her over the back of the chair. "Don't even joke around like that!"

Amidst the giggles coming from a thoroughly entertained Ryoko, Kiyone happened to hear something else—something familiar that she really didn't want to hear right now. A glance at Yagami's control panel only served to confirm her fears. What she had heard was the sound of an ultra-space communication coming through, and now, right there on her screen was the image of her section chief at Galaxy Police HQ.

"Eeeeeek!" Kiyone shrieked. The sake bottle went flying from her hand as she collapsed down into her seat. "S-sir! Hello there! Fine evening, isn't it? Ahahaha!"

"Yeeessss." The man cast a suspicious look upon her. "I was going to check in for a status report, but…is someone else there with you?"

"N-no! No, sir! I was just talking to myself," Kiyone replied, a bead of sweat running down from her forehead. Please believe me! Please believe me!

"I see. I suppose those long shifts can be somewhat tiring," the section chief said. He squinted his eyes as he looked at her through the video screen. "Are you feeling okay, detective? You look a bit flush."

"Fine! Perfectly fine! It's just, uhm, it's a little warm in here is all. The air conditioner has been acting up recently."

"Hmm…we'll have to get that looked at one of these days. Well, in any case, what's the status of things as it relates to your patrol?"

Kiyone couldn't have been more thankful that her superior had actually bought what she was saying. She might have to manufacture some trouble with Yagami's air conditioner down the road to back up her story, but she would worry about that when the time came.

"Right, the patrol! So far, there's been no-" Kiyone stopped. She heard a snap, followed by the sound of a zipper. Mortified, she looked down at her lap. Ryoko's hands, she realized, had snaked their way around her seat and stealthily undone her uniform pants. Ryoko! What in the HELL is she doing? Putting up a frantic resistance, Kiyone grabbed Ryoko by her wrists and tried to keep the woman's hands at bay.

The section chief couldn't see anything below Kiyone's chest with the limited view the video screen allowed. That couldn't prevent him from seeing the discomfort displayed on her face, though. "I'm sorry, there's been what?"

"Th-…there's been noth-OWW!" Kiyone jerked her hands upward—Ryoko had gotten impatient and given each of them a pinch. With that, Ryoko was free to do as she pleased. Kiyone's eyes went so wide they nearly bulged as she felt a pair of hands slip beneath the waistband of her underwear. Her face turning beet red, a whimper escaped from between her lips.

"Detective?" The section chief eyed her curiously.

Kiyone brought her hands down onto the armrests of her chair, gripping them for dear life. "There's…n-…nothing to report, sir!"

The older man gave his beard a scratch. "Mmm, I suppose that's to be expected. It's unlikely our suspect is in your area, but be sure to remain diligent. Oh, before I forget, I had one other thing to ask you about." He dug around in a stack of papers atop his desk. "Where did I put it…?"

Kiyone's breathing became heavy. She hunched over in her seat, squirming, biting down on her bottom lip as Ryoko's hands worked their magic.

"Ah, here it…is," the section chief trailed off. He cocked his head as he again looked to his subordinate. "Are you certain you're all right?"

"Yes. YES! Just…just a leg cramp, sir! I've been getting them LATE-ly." Kiyone smacked a hand over her mouth after the squeak she'd let out while speaking that last word. She could almost feel Ryoko's devilish grin through the chair. Ryoko, you idiot! Stoooooop!

"Leg cramps, eh? I've dealt with those myself," the chief said. "I'd recommend getting more magnesium and potassium in your diet. And be sure to stretch often. It helps quite a bit."

"Th-thank you, sir! I'll…try that!" Kiyone's voice quivered. Appearing strained, though not for the reason the chief believed, she slammed her hand back down onto the chair's armrest.

"Of course." The section chief nodded. "Getting back on topic, there was a traffic incident this past weekend that yourself and Detective Mihoshi responded to involving a personal craft and a freighter. For one reason or another, the location where it occurred never came through on the report. Would you happen to recall where it took place?"

Kiyone's mind was becoming fuzzy. Though she knew what incident the chief was speaking of, spitting out an answer for him would prove a challenge as Ryoko had stepped up the pace and intensity of her…activity. "By…one…one of Jupiter's moons!"

"Okay. I don't suppose you remember which one?" the chief asked.

Kiyone's nails dug into the material of the ship's chair. "G-…G-…" Her control and reason were slipping away completely. Reaching her limit, she threw herself back, her neck arching upward. "GANYMEEEEEDE!"

Exhausted, Kiyone drooped forward, huffing and puffing as though she'd just run a marathon.

"Ganymede. Understood." The chief scribbled a jotting down on the incident report. "Well then, I'll leave you to your patrol, detective. Take care. Best of luck getting those cramps under control." He signed out.

Finally free, Kiyone dropped to the ground. In the midst of trying to catch her breath, she brushed her head along the floor enough that she could peek behind her with those drained eyes of hers.

Ryoko, looking as satisfied with herself as she had ever been, floated out from behind the chair. She held up her hand, the tip of which glistened in the ship's interior lighting. "Leg cramps, huh?" She snickered. "Your 'leg cramps' got my fingers all sticky."

By now, the gravity of the situation had fully dawned on Kiyone. Embarrassed beyond belief, she dove onto Ryoko, yanking her up by a handful of her dress. "Y-…you! Because of you…right in front of my superior…I just…!"

"Wasn't it exciting?" Ryoko gave her a seductive look. Off to the side, she picked up the bottle of sake Kiyone had dropped before and gave it a little shake. "There's still a bunch left. What do you say we keep going 'til it runs out, huh?"

"What?" Gasping, Kiyone let go of her and fell back. Like a wild beast, Ryoko prowled after her prey. "W-wait…Ryoko! RYOKO! NOOOOOOO!"

Bright and early the next morning, the sun rose over the horizon and shone down upon the Masaki home, where Tenchi and the others were still sleeping. It was only after hearing the doorbell ring that Tenchi, and Tenchi alone, began to awaken. He raised his head, looked around a bit, and was about to lay back down until the doorbell rang a second time.

Groggy though he was, Tenchi rubbed his eyes and got to his feet. "Coming!" He really wished he knew how everyone could sleep through the doorbell ringing except for him. Letting out a yawn, he strode over to the door and slid it open. "Yes?"

Standing outside, her hair a tousled wreck, was Kiyone. One look at her and Tenchi could tell she'd had quite the long night. She had bags under her eyes, her headband and uniform tie were both crooked, the buttons on her vest were all one hole off, and if Tenchi wasn't imagining things, there appeared to be some red marks on her neck that her collar wasn't long enough to hide.

Once Tenchi caught sight of what Kiyone was holding, he had a vague idea of what had gone on. In her left hand, a slumbering Ryo-Ohki dangled back and forth. In her right, Ryoko, snoring like a buzz saw, was hoisted up by the back of her dress.

Kiyone, holding out both of her arms, dropped Ryoko and Ryo-Ohki into the doorway. "Nothing happened."

"Umm…"

"Nothing happened."

Tenchi blinked. "Nothing…happened."

"Nothing." Kiyone spun around and, sluggishly, she walked away. She then stopped. Turning back the other way, she sauntered up to Tenchi once again. "May I use your bath?"

"S-…sure."

The End