A special thanks to JC 619 for allowing me to mention CWF in this chapter! Hope you all enjoy, and if there's anything I need to improve on, feel free to let me know in the reviews.
The original ECW theme played and pyro exploded on the titantron, after which millions of fans stood in a huge arena cheering and holding up signs of many different colors.
"Welcome to the first episode of XCW Massacre! 4000 strong are on their feet for the ascendance of Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling! We are live in Brooklyn, New York, the birthplace of American animation, where champions will be crowned, blood will be shed, and history will be made here tonight! Hello again everybody I'm Early Cuyler with Master Shake at ringside, and tonight Shake, we've got ourselves a hell of a night tonight!"
"You got that right!" Shake exclaimed. "5 titles: the Television, Women's, Hardcore, Tag Team, and our most coveted prize of all: the XCW World Heavyweight Championship, will all be awarded in matches of various types, right here tonight! I cannot wait for it to start!"
A mic lowered from the ceiling to just above the ring, as Plankton stood in the middle of it.
"Wait no longer Shake," Early said, "because business is about to pick up!"
"The following contest is a 4-Way Ladder Match for the vacant Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling Television Championship!"
"This Fire Burns" by Killswitch Engage played as Tai Kamiya ran onto the stage raising his hand in salute to the crowd, who cheered him on!
"Introducing first, from Tokyo, Japan. . .Tai Kamiya!"
"Tai Kamiya, coming from the first two seasons of Digimon Adventure!" Early said, informing the audience.
"Digimon?" Shake asked. "What is this, 1999?"
"Whatever year it is, Tai came to XCW with his wife, Sora Takenouchi. And with wins in their respective matches tonight, they both could not only make history here tonight, but also establish themselves as XCW's power couple!" Early said.
"Tank!" by The Seatbelts played as Spike Spiegel walked down the ramp with a cigarette in his mouth to cheers from the crowd.
"From Planet Mars. . .Spike Spiegel!"
"Okay, whoever our chairman is, he really needs to get with the times." Shake said.
"What do you mean?" Early asked.
"He obviously found these guys from whatever deli they worked at. When was the last time Tai and Spike's shows were on TV?" Shake asked.
"Our chairman saw something he liked in these men, Shake. That's all I can tell you." said Early.
Booker T's WWE Theme played as Arthur walked onto the stage to boos from the crowd.
"Here we go!" Shake exclaimed.
"From Elwood City. . .ARTHUR!"
"Now THIS is a head-scratcher." Early said.
Arthur posed and strode down the ramp as pyro and flames erupted from the stage.
"No it's not!" Shake protested. "Our anonymous chairman wants to prove that a character from a children's show can compete with those from violent video games and seizure-inducing animes. And I think we'll see that tonight out of Arthur!"
"Teen Beat Ocean" by Jackson and His Computer Band played, with pyro going off in unison to each of the first notes of the song, as Luigi walked onto the stage and down the ramp to cheers from the crowd.
"And from The Mushroom Kingdom. . .LUIGI!"
"Now this man here is the definition of irrelevant." Early said.
"Are you kidding me?" Shake exclaimed in disbelief. "This man is the brother of Mario, the video game icon!"
"Exactly. He's played second fiddle to Mario for almost 30 years." Early informed. "Now if he can be the first to climb a ladder and retrieve the Television title hanging 20 feet above the ring, he'll at least be the first of the Mario Brothers to win a title in XCW."
Luigi entered the ring above the second rope and looked around at Spike, Tai and Arthur in the center of the ring, as they all did the same.
Once the bell ran, Tai and Luigi brawled in a corner of the ring while Arthur and Spike brawled in the opposite corner. Tai countered a punch from Luigi and tied him up in a waistlock, but Luigi elbowed out of it and Irish whipped Tai, only for Tai to nail Luigi with a jumping crossbody on the bounceback!
Spike went to punch Arthur but Arthur blocked it and poked Spike in the eye, then hit Spike with a back drop. Arthur rolled out of the ring to grab a ladder, then went back into the ring and started to set up the ladder in the middle of the ring until Spike hit him with a clothesline. Spike climbed up the ladder but so did Luigi. Before he could even get to the second step, though, Tai grabbed Luigi and nailed him with a German suplex! Tai then climbed up the ladder and met Spike, who reached for the title. Tai hit Spike with a right hand, and they exchanged punches while Arthur set up a ladder of his own, and began to climb it, with Luigi climbing it on the other side!
"All four of these men are 20 feet high above the ring!" Early exclaimed. "Who's gonna be the Television Champion?"
"A better question is, who's gonna fall down first?" Shake asked.
Tai nailed Arthur with an uppercut then slammed his face onto the top step of the ladder. Tai reached for the belt but Arthur threw him off the ladder, and into the ladder Luigi and Spike were on, sending them crashing to the concrete floor below! Arthur reached for the belt but Tai knocked Arthur's ladder down, sending him to the concrete on the other side of the ring! Tai folded up one of the ladders resting on the ropes. Tai then ran up that ladder and jumped off it, hitting a Tai Dive (Diving Headbutt) onto Luigi and Spike!
Arthur slid back into the ring and set up a ladder. He started to climb up it but Tai got back into the ring. He climbed up right behind Arthur, and pulled him off the ladder. Tai and Arthur tied up into a grapple, then Tai put Arthur into a headlock and nailed him with a jawbreaker. Tai then folded up the ladder in the center of the ring and leaned it in the corner of the ring. Meanwhile, Spike grabbed another ladder out from under the ring and went back in it. Spike hit Tai in the ribs with the ladder and then hit Arthur in the head with it before setting it up in the center of the ring. Luigi jumped onto the top rope from the ring apron and hit Spike with a flying forearm, knocking him off the ladder! Luigi quickly got up and climbed up one side of the ladder.
Tai stepped to the other side of the ladder and slowly climbed to the top of it, meeting Luigi at the top. They exchanged punches, but Luigi landed one right in Tai's face, and he faltered a bit to regain his composure. Arthur climbed up Luigi's side of the ladder and pulled Luigi off it, sending him down to the mat below! Arthur climbed up the ladder only for Spike to kick it down and send Arthur falling face-first into the turnbuckle, and Tai back-first onto the ladder he set up in the corner! Spike charged at Arthur and hit him with a running clothesline. Spike then picked Arthur up and hit him with a powerbomb on the ladder Spike knocked down!
"Oh my God!" Shake cried.
"Oh my God is right, Shake." Early said. "Arthur must be in excruciating pain!"
Shake shook his head. "No, I just realized I forgot to DVR Whitney!"
Early narrowed his eyes at his broadcast partner while Luigi slid out of the ring and grabbed a 20-foot ladder from under it. He headed back into the ring and set it up in the center of the ring. Luigi started to climb it but Arthur pulled him off again. Luigi went for a DDT on Arthur but he countered it into an Irish whip and nailed a powerslam on Luigi! Meanwhile, Spike pulled Tai off the ladder in the corner and set it up next to the 20-foot ladder Luigi set up. Both Luigi and Spike began to climb their ladders when Tai and Arthur grabbed a hold of the Luigi's ladder. Luigi grabbed onto the Television title belt but hanged on for dear life as Tai and Arthur pulled the ladder out from under him. Spike reached the top of his ladder and from it nailed Luigi in the face with Real Folk Blues (Sweet Chin Music), sending Luigi crashing down to the mat! "This is awesome!" chants filled the arena.
Spike tried to reach for the belt from his ladder but couldn't. He climbed down the ladder and moved it while Tai and Arthur got into a fight holding the ladder which soon turned into a tie-up. Arthur held Tai in a waist lock but Tai fought out of it and put Arthur into a waist-lock of his own, then hit Arthur with three German suplexes, the last of which sent Arthur crashing onto the ladder under him! Tai ran up Spike's ladder and they brawled high above the ring, the Television championship just inches away. . .until Tai jumped over the top of the ladder and hit Spike with a Frankensteiner!
"My GOD!" Early screamed. "What will these four men do to themselves for the Television championship?"
Tai and Arthur were the first to get up, albeit slowly. They both climbed up the ladder, with Arthur selling his lower back, and Tai selling his abdomen. Arthur beat Tai to the top, only for Tai to grab Arthur by his foot and get it caught in the ladder! Tai climbed up to the top and grabbed the belt off the hook! The bell rang as Tai raised the belt up above his body.
Plankton: Here is your winner, and the FIRST Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling Television Champion. . .TAI KAMIYA!
"What a start to Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling, and what an effort by these four men!" Early said. "Putting their bodies on the line to be crowned our first Television champion!"
"Great match!" Shake said. "What else is gonna happen tonight?"
Meanwhile, in a hallway, Squidward Tentacles stood with a microphone.
"Please welcome one of the participants in the Fatal 4-Way match for the vacant XCW World Heavyweight Championship, along with his manager, Jon Arbuckle. . .Garfield!"
The crowd booed as Garfield and Jon Arbuckle came to stand next to Squidward.
"Garfield," asked Squidward, "with 3 other men in the Fatal Four Way match tonight, your chances to win are only 25%. However, do you think that matters, considering you are the biggest man in the match?"
Garfield looked down at Squidward with a sneer.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jon interrogated.
"Nothing! I-" Squidward protested until Jon interrupted him.
"Garfield may be large. . ." Jon said, ". . .but with size comes power. And with power. . .comes domination and supremacy. It doesn't matter if he faces one man, two men, or three men, Garfield IS the best wrestler in XCW, and he will prove it by mauling Mario, by breaking Bugs' neck, and hammering Hotsuma over and over again into a bloody pulp, and becoming the first ever XCW World Heavyweight Champion! And that's nothing but bad news for everyone. . .except me. . .and him."
Jon pointed up at Garfield, who shoved Squidward out of his way.
"The following contest is a Hardcore Battle Royal for the XCW Hardcore Championship! In this contest, once a wrestler scores a pinfall, that wrestler will be the unofficial Hardcore Champion. From there, the championship can change hands multiple times within the match's 10 minute time limit! Whoever is the unofficial champion once the timer reaches zero will be declared the official first Hardcore Champion! Introducing the participants. . ."
The first 9 men walked down the ramp with various weapons in hand.
"From The Earthrealm. . .Sub-Zero and Scorpion!"
Scorpion walked to the ring with a chain in his hand, while Sub-Zero carried a steel chair, to a mixed reaction from the crowd.
"From Gunsmoke. . .Vash The Stampede!"
Vash carried a tire iron to the ring to cheers.
"From Feudal Japan. . .Samurai Jack!"
Samurai Jack carried a kendo stick over his shoulder as the crowd cheered.
"From Parts Unknown. . .Sweet Tooth!"
As the crowd booed, Sweet Tooth wheeled a shopping cart full of assorted weapons down the ramp towards the ring. Once he got to the ring, he threw every street sign, trash can, barbed wire 2x4, and crowbar into the ring until the cart was empty.
"From The Kongo Jungle. . .Donkey Kong!"
Donkey Kong walked down the ramp carrying a barrel to boos from the crowd.
"From The Mushroom Kingdom. . .Bowser!"
As the crowd booed, Bowser stomped to the ring with a pair of spiked knuckles on his hand.
"From Japan. . .Lupin III!"
Lupin III carried a lead pipe down the ramp into the ring as the crowd cheered again.
"And from Peach Creek. . .Jimmy!"
Jimmy waved a colorful flag down the ramp as he pranced into the ring to boos from the crowd.
"Uhhh. . .I think this guy's in the wrong match." Early said.
"Yeah, this is for the Hardcore title, not the Lightweight title." Shake said.
"Who in their right mind would put this kid Jimmy in a match with sinister men like Sweet Tooth, deadly men like Scorpion and Sub-Zero, and mastodons like Donkey Kong and Bowser?" Early wondered.
"Well, Jimmy, it was nice knowing ya." Shake said.
The crowd erupted into chers as "Wayfarer" by Kavinsky played. Tommy Vercetti rode down the ramp on a motorcycle.
"From Vice City, Florida. . .Tommy Vercetti!"
Tommy got off the bike and slid into the ring.
"Tommy doesn't have any weapons?" Shake asked in surprise.
"The man's from Vice City." Early said. "With fists like his, he doesn't need weapons."
"Amerika" by Rammstein played as Solid Snake walks down the ramp to a mixed reaction from the crowd. Snake carried a kendo stick in one hand, and a tire iron in his pants pocket.
"From The United States of America. . .Solid Snake!"
Snake entered the ring and looked around at the competition.
Pyro went off as "No Mercy" by Pharoahe Monch played. Claude Speed (from Grand Theft Auto III) walked down the ramp with a 2x4 to cheers from the crowd.
"And from Liberty City, USA. . .Claude Speed!"
"The Lucifer of Liberty City is making his way to the ring now." Shake said. "He goes from terrorizing Liberty City to terrorizing XCW!"
"We'll see about that, Shake." Early said. "Because here in this match we'll see men beat the snot out of each other to become the first ever Hardcore Champion. In this match there is no disqualification, no holds barred and falls count anywhere in the building. From the looks of each man in this match, Shake, who knows what could happen here!"
The bell rang and various brawls spilled out of the ring, with Sub-Zero, Scorpion and Jimmy fighting Bowser until he shoved all three out of the ring. Donkey Kong and Sweet Tooth exchanged blows with respectively a street sign and cookie sheet outside of the ring, while in a corner of the ring, Samurai Jack tied up Lupin III with a waistlock right above Donkey Kong's barrel, until Lupin grabbed a hold of Samurai Jack's arm and Irish whipped him out. Claude Speed hit Vash with a fury of right hands until he was against the ring ropes, then Claude clotheslined him out of the ring. Claude picked up Vash's tire iron and met Vash outside the ring. Only Solid Snake and Tommy Vercetti remained in the ring, exchanging punches.
They brawled until Tommy nailed a punch square in the jaw of Snake. Tommy let out a brief "Wooo!" to the crowd only for Snake to nail him in the head with a kendo stick, knocking Tommy down and busting him open! Snake went for the cover-1. . .2. . .3!
"Here is your Unofficial FIRST Hardcore Champion – SOLID SNAKE!"
Snake raised his hands in victory for a brief second but went outside the ring with his kendo stick and nailed fighter after fighter that charged at him. Tommy got up from the hit and wiped his hand on his face, staring at the blood on his hand.
"My God, Shake!" Early cried. "Tommy's bleeding like a stuck pig!"
"That's what you get for bringing fists to a sword fight. . .er, a kendo stick fight." Shake responded.
Tommy got up, seething with anger. He ran toward the crowd outside the ring and jumped through the ropes, tackling Snake and Lupin down to the mat! Tommy went for the cover – 1. . .2. . .Vash broke up the count! Vash picked Tommy up and went to nail him with a fistful of brass knuckles but Tommy ducked and hit Vash with a standing spinebuster. Tommy turned around looking at Snake again but Snake nailed him with a trash can lid. Snake turned around and Bowser nailed him in the face with a fistful of spiked knuckles! Snake bled profusely from his face as Bowser stepped on Snake for the cover – 1. . .2. . .3!
"Here is your new Hardcore Champion. . .BOWSER!"
Bowser roared in victory then picked both Tommy and Snake up and bashed their heads together! Donkey Kong tried to hit Bowser with a street sign but Bowser hit it with the fist of spiked knuckles, creating holes in the sign! Donkey Kong went to punch Bowser but he blocked it and hit him with a left hand. At this point 8 ½ minutes remained in the match.
Meanwhile, after blocking a tire iron hit from Vash, Claude nailed Vash in the face with his 2x4! Afterwards Claude checked on Tommy, who woke up in a furious daze. He hit Claude with a Lou Thesz Press and nailed him in the face with punches that are so fast and furious, they busted Claude open!
"My God! Tommy's taking out his ally!" Early yelled. "Does he know where he is right now?"
"There are no allies in this match, Early! It's every man for himself!" Shake informed.
Tommy ran over to the crowd of wrestlers trying to attack Bowser to no avail. Sweet Tooth and Donkey Kong picked up opposing sides of Tommy's motorcycle and used it as a battering ram to knock Bowser down! Sweet Tooth and Donkey Kong went to cover Bowser only for Tommy to take Sweet Tooth out with a chop block, and then get into a fist fight with Donkey Kong, with everyone completely unaware that Jimmy has Bowser covered! 1. . .2. . .3!
"Here is your new Hardcore Champion. . .JIMMY!"
"I don't believe it!" Shake said in amazement. "The pipsqueak has done it!"
Jimmy jumped for joy during Plankton's announcement only for the other 11 men in the match to surround him. Jimmy ran up the ramp into the backstage area with everyone else following him. Jimmy ran down a hallway and into a parking garage. Jimmy ran toward the exit door next to a large garage door but took a knee next to the front of a car to catch his breath. Suddenly Tommy kneed Jimmy's head against the car, knocking him out cold! Tommy went for the cover 1. . .2. . .3! The bell rang as Tommy screamed in celebration.
"Here is your new Hardcore Champion. . .TOMMY VERCETTI!"
Sweet Tooth grabbed Tommy's neck out of nowhere and lifted him up for a chokeslam but Tommy kicked out of it, and took him down with a fireman's carry. Claude Speed suddenly nailed Tommy with a spear against the garage door and covered him. 1. . .2. . .3! The bell rang as Claude got into a brawl with Vash.
"Here is your new Hardcore Champion. . .CLAUDE SPEED!"
Vash went to punch Claude with a fist of brass knuckles but Claude countered it into an armbar. Lupin III put Claude into a sleeper hold, but in doing so caused Claude's hand to knock the brass knuckles off of Vash's hand! Not knowing this, Vash still nailed Lupin and Claude with a clothesline and covered Claude. 1. . .2. . .Sweet Tooth broke up the count! Donkey Kong charged at Sweet Tooth but slid out of his way. Vash and Claude got up but Sweet Tooth grabbed each of them by the neck and hit them with a Double Chokeslam! Sweet Tooth covered them both 1. . .2. . .3! The bell rang as Sweet Tooth nailed Sub-Zero with a chokeslam! At this point there were 4 ½ minutes remaining in the match.
"Here is your new Hardcore Champion. . .SWEET TOOTH!"
Bowser tried to hit Sweet Tooth with the spike-knuckle fist but Sweet Tooth countered, knocking the spiked knuckles off his hand, and hit him with a back drop on a crate. Solid Snake went to tackle Sweet Tooth but he pushed Snake out of his path. Suddenly, Claude Speed hit Sweet Tooth from behind with a tire iron. Sweet Tooth turns around and goes to hit Claude with a big boot, but Claude grabbed it.
"GET OVER HERE!"
While Vash picked up Claude and hit him with a Scoop Slam, Sweet Tooth turned around and Scorpion nailed him with a fist wrapped in his chain! Scorpion goes for the cover 1. . .2. . .3! The bell rang as Scorpion made his way out of the parking garage.
"Here is your new Hardcore Champion. . .SCORPION!"
Scorpion made his way down the hallway with Sweet Tooth, Vash, Donkey Kong, Solid Snake, Samurai Jack, Sub-Zero and Lupin right behind him. Various brawls between the eight wrestlers broke out until they made it back to ringside. Sub Zero broke out of a brawl with Vash, leapfrogged over Donkey Kong and hit Scorpion with a sit-down bulldog! Sub-Zero went for the cover but Lupin nailed him with a lead pipe.
Suddenly down the ramp came Claude Speed in a golf cart, with Tommy in the back seat! They almost hit the ring but Donkey Kong and Bowser stepped in front of the golf cart and stopped it with their strength! Claude and Tommy got off the cart and Claude choked out Scorpion with a belt while Tommy hit every man around him with a steel chair. Scorpion tapped out! The bell rang as Claude let go.
"Here is your new Hardcore Champion. . .CLAUDE SPEED!"
Solid Snake then put Claude in a sleeper hold! The referee raised Claude's hand once but Claude immediately raised it back up, and hit Snake with elbow shots to the gut. Snake broke the hold and Claude hit Snake with a DDT. Claude then crawled into the ring and laid on his back, catching his breath. Tommy got into the ring as well, with Vash and a now bloody Lupin in the ring after him. Lupin went for the cover 1. . .2. . .Vash pulled Lupin off Claude and threw him out of the ring. Vash then covered Claude with a hook to the leg. 1. . .2. . .3! The bell rang and Vash turned around to face Tommy.
"Here is your new Hardcore Champion. . .VASH THE STAMPEDE!"
Vash turned Tommy around and they began to hit each other with a fury of punches. Vash Irish whipped Tommy into the ropes, but Vash missed a superkick. On the bounceback, Tommy hit Vash with a Lou Thesz Press and began to hit Vash repeatedly with his right fist, which had Vash's brass knuckles on it! Tommy got off Vash and let out a scream of intensity. Vash, now busted open, groggily got up to his feet. Tommy tied him up and dropped Vash onto Donkey Kong's barrel with the Vercetti Driver (Vertebreaker)! Tommy then covered Vash! 1. . .2. . .3! The bell rang and Tommy screamed "YEAHH!" in temporary victory!
"Here is your new Hardcore Champion. . .TOMMY VERCETTI!"
Suddenly Lupin hit Tommy with a double leg drop off the top rope from behind! Lupin went for the cover 1. . .
2. . .
. . .Tommy kicked out! Lupin can't believe it!
"How is this even possible?" Shake questioned.
"I wish I knew Shake!" Early said. "Only one minute left!"
Lupin pulled Tommy up to his feet and Irish whipped him into the ropes. Tommy bounced off the ropes on the right side of the ring. As Tommy came back, Lupin put the spiked knuckles that Bowser lost onto his right fist! After Tommy bounced off the ropes on the left side of the ring, Tommy AND Lupin nailed each other with a right-handed punch, Tommy with the brass knuckles on Lupin, and Lupin with the spiked knuckles onto Tommy!
"OH MY GOD!" Early unintelligibly yelled. "EVERYONE IS DOWN AND OUT! WHO'S GONNA BE THE HARDCORE CHAMPION? ONLY 30 SECONDS REMAIN!"
Vash slowly crawled on top of Tommy for the cover. 1. . .2. . .Tommy kicked out!
Vash punched the mat repeatedly in frustration! He got up but Tommy nailed him with an uppercut that sent him over the ropes and out of the ring. With twenty seconds left, Claude got to his feet and faced Tommy. They exchanged bare-knuckle fists until Claude nailed Tommy in the head with a 2x4, breaking it and knocking Tommy down to the mat! With five seconds left, Claude stumbled onto Tommy for the cover.
1 . .
2. . .
. . .3! The bell rang, signaling the end of the match! Smiliing, Claude turned over to lay on his back and raised his fist in victory.
"Here is your winner, and the official FIRST Xtreme Cartoon Wrestling Hardcore Champion. . .CLAUDE SPEED!"
The referee helped Claude to his feet and raised his arm with the title belt. Upon receiving the Hardcore Championship belt, Claude looked around at all the fans cheering for him in the stands and raised his hand up, holding the belt.
"My God, look at the carnage!" Early observed. "It looks like a monster truck rally out here! There's weapons all over ringside, there's blood all over the mat, bodies are strewn around the ramp and ring, Tommy, Vash and Lupin need medical attention-"
"-and Claude Speed emerges from it all as our first Hardcore Champion!" finished Shake.
Tommy turned over to try and push himself up as Claude got out of the ring and looked back at it. Tommy weakly raised his fist in the air, saluting Claude, who smiled back at him.
Meanwhile, backstage, Squidward Tentaclesstood in a hallway with a microphone in hand.
"At this time," Squidward said, "please welcome the second of four participants in the Fatal Four Way for the vacant XCW World Heavyweight Championship – Bugs Bunny!"
"Eh, what's up Doc?" asked Bugs.
"Bugs," Squidward asked, ". . .you were an announcer before you were a wrestler. How did you make the transition, and how do you like your chances in the main event tonight?"
"Well you see, Mac. . ." Bugs answered, ". . .I called all those matches for all those years, thinking 'I could never be like them.' But wrestling Hall-of-Famers like Fred Flintstone, Homer Simpson, and of course, Mickey Mouse throughout my career made me not only believe I could, but they also made me want to honor them."
"And I'm going to do just that tonight, because the last thing I want is for some poser ninja who thinks he's a badass, a fat plumber from a video game, and an even fatter cat from a comic strip dishonoring what it is to be a world champion. . .of cartoon wrestling. I am the best cartoon wrestler there is today because I learned from the greats by watching them fight, stepping toe-to-toe with them, from being with them since day one, and from all that, I carry their prestige, their tricks of the trade, and their honor, and with all those, I will become the first XCW World Heavyweight Champion!"