The night seemed like a Van Gogh painting eerie and just a little bit surreal as Hermione sat in the big red chair in the common room that faced the window. It was the farthest from the fireplace but she barely felt the chill. Hermione upheld the rules like they were from Merlin himself and near revered authority. Why shouldn't she? They obviously were extremely knowledgeable to have gotten their position, they deserved respect. Yet after yesterday, it was all she could do to not to have Dobby help her put a certain nasty little potion in Umbridge's tea during lunch. She'd make it up to him; he always did like her knitted clothes.
Professor… She scuffed at having to use that word with someone who was so obviously unsuited for such a position. Even Professor Snape who she plainly disliked had the obvious credentials for his position even if his personality lacked what it took to be a teacher like McGonagall. But professor Umbridge, she loathed the woman. It wasn't just the fact that she couldn't learn to her full potential due to her idiotic educational decrees but what she had done to Harry was unforgivable. How dare she use a blood quill on her best friend? If she didn't know about the priori incantum she'd have half a mind to hex her into oblivion. That was why potions where always best. A potion could never be traced back to the maker and rarely to the giver unless there was some obvious clue.
If she hadn't known that essence of murtlap would have soothed his cuts from the horrid quill she'd have lost it. She wasn't quite sure she hadn't lost it. When she saw the evidence of his detention she thought she would hyperventilate until she passed out. Fortunately she was able to calm herself with no one being the wiser. She knew people would be shocked if they knew her thoughts as they thought her an uptight, rule abiding, bookworm. She supposed she could be described that way to a certain extent but she preferred to think she was proper not uptight. There was a time and a place for everything and school was not a place for foolishness.
Although Harry always seemed to override her most ingrained rules. She smiled when her thoughts turned to him but immediately frowned. He was the reason for so many of her changes. She was called the smartest witch of her generation by many although she always thought it was more application than actual knowledge; anyone could have grades as high as her if they just studied. And while she prided herself in her knowledge she could honestly say there was one thing she was utterly and completely stupid in…love.
How she did not see it before she had no idea when it was so plainly starring at her in her face. She was in love with her best friend. Not the red headed food disposal that everyone thought she would end up with. She was in love with her green eyed, dark haired, sometimes angst ridden best friend. When he had saved her from the troll in the first year she had developed a bit of hero worship which she was thankfully ridded of in her second year.
When she found out about the bars in his room after second year, she put quite a bit of clues together and her heart ached to get him out of those peoples clutches and into a normal, loving environment only to have her claims refuted by the headmaster. She fumed a bit after that but decided that if he couldn't leave she would just have to show him that someone cared; her. Sometimes she would bollocks it all up going overboard trying to help him only to seem like she didn't believe in him, or trust him but she infinitely did more than anyone else. She just didn't know how else to help, he was so utterly Gryffindor at times acting without planning and she didn't want to see him hurt.
Hermione sighed.
She knew that socially she was a bit awkward even before Hogwarts she had no friends and she thanked Merlin for the opportunity to come here but she couldn't change her dynamics. It was who she was. So she alienated her best friend, and the one guy she truly loved. People would again be shocked to know it was Harry and not Ron whom she fancied, their arguments seeming like sexual tension. Honestly, why anyone would think it was sexy to be made fun of and hurt was beyond her. She doubted they would even be friends if it weren't for Harry.
She was smart. She knew better than to fall for a guy who would always make her cry but the guy she wanted would never want her back. How would he? She could never help but question him even when she always supported him. Perhaps, he needed someone like Ginny. Someone who would always put his wants first, someone who would never doubt him, someone who would worship the ground he walked on. It would be such a one-sided relationship.
Ginny only loved the idea of him, the-boy-who-lived not the boy who has nightmares almost every night, the boy who's guilt eats at him constantly, the boy who is a bit thinner than he should be, the boy who hates the spot light and attention, the boy who thinks of others before himself, the boy who doubts that he deserves happiness. But if anyone deserved full support, even if it was slightly obsessive and very two dimensional, it was him. It would be a complete 160 from his life growing up where he was treated like something at the bottom of a shoe.
There was also the fact that he would never see how utterly devoted she was to him, he would never like her. She had a brain which she loved using but she wasn't like the other girls. She wasn't exotic like Cho, wasn't curvy like Lavender, wasn't gorgeous like Ginny. She was plain; bushy mostly unmanageable hair, so pale she could barely tan and while her buck teeth had been fixed her body was still a bit more willowy than curvy without the benefit of the added height.
She remembered third year her feelings were becoming more pronounced, she filed them under crush and ignored them, diving into Buckbeaks defense. Then the ride on the Hippogriff behind Harry while holding onto him could help cast away a hundred dementors, her heart soared just as they did. She hadn't told anyone but that ride with Harry had cured her of her fear of flying.
Then fourth year no one not even Ron believed Harry. She was amazed that she didn't curse him for being such a jealous git. How he could even think after all the years he had known Harry that he would want the attention she did not know. How could he not see that he would give all his money and fame to have his family back? That year could have been one of the best of her lives even with the added fear and stress; Harry and she had become so close. And when he disappeared with the cup she was sure her heart stopped. She had to sit down and put her head between her legs before she passed out. She had never felt such utterly mind gripping fear, such complete despair even when facing those dementors with Harry.
Now she had to figure out if she should take the risk of losing her most important friend by proclaiming her feelings to him when she was sure he barely even saw her and losing a major part of herself along with him. Or settling for the only one who would ever want her even if she could never love him as her heart was already given. Should she make-due with her insensitive friend? It was not like she could do better. Would these feelings eat at her if not released or could she sacrifice her happiness for Harry?
She knew she could sacrifice anything for Harry even her own life. Wasn't choosing Ron just a form of that sacrifice? Could she pass day after day seeing him with someone else, doing the things she wished to be doing with him while her heart was shred to pieces? She knew she could do anything for him but should she? Hermione gave another sigh as she stood, wiping a traitorous tear that rolled down her cheek and stood. She walked towards the girls' dormitories knowing that she wasn't going to make a decision that would affect the rest of her life in one night.