"Do you ever feel stuck?"
John sat there for a second, trying to sparse the words on his glasses.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean have you ever felt kind of stuck where you are?"
John thought for a moment. Through his sister's lime words, he looked out into the distance, past the sparse trees and the black rivers out beyond his sight, to places he'd only read about.
"I mean, kind of." He answered.
"i've been feeling a lot like that lately. Grandpa would tell me about all these amazing adventures he'd go on, but I'm stuck here, surrounded by snow. It doesn't even melt like it's suppose to!"
John chuckled to himself. "Yeah, I know what you're saying. Sometimes this breeze gets to me and I just wish i could go somewhere I didn't have to wear this jacket all the time."
"But at least you're doing something! You guys are cleaning up the oil spill there aren't you?"
John looked into the forest at the drones pailing up the oil.
"Kind of. We just sort of keep the drones moving, but they're not doing a very good job. They just sort of pick it up in buckets. It's not really hard work." John looked up at the clouds. "Yeah, ever since Dave and Jade went offline I've been feeling kind of uneasy. Not that you're bad company or anything, I just. y'know."
John felt like he could hear Jade giggling from her computer.
"Don't worry I know what you mean :p"
"What happened to them anyway? I mean don't they live on opposite sides of the planet?"
"! Didn't you hear? Something bad happened on Derse."
This took john by surprise. "Oh yeah, I keep forgetting they live in Derse territory. What happened?"
"I'm not sure. Prospit hasn't revealed a lot so it's all based on rumor, but I heard the black queen was murdered!"
"Murdered? But I thought there was a truce."
"There is! I don't think it was a Prospitian that did it. From what I've heard, it was a Dersite who did it!"
"A Dersite? Why would someone from Derse murder their own queen?"
"I don't know! :("
Suddenly, a voice came from downstairs. "John? John! Come along John it's time for dinner!"
"Oh, sorry Jade, Dad's calling me for dinner so i got to go for a bit."
"hahaha, I like how you still call him Dad when he's our brother :P"
"haha, yeah. I guess he just always felt so fatherly, he never really felt like a brother you know?"
"Well, not really. I mean, it's always just been me and Poppop!"
"Oh shoot I guess it has. You'll have to come visit some time!"
"I'd like that John :)"
With that, John hopped down off the roof of the CROCKER CORP DRONE DEPOT and made his way downstairs into the kitchen where his dad was waiting for him.
Spread across the table was Nanna's famous lasagna, with heaps of crocker cakes for dessert.
"John, no Bettybothering at the table."
John switched off the pesterchum app in his glasses. This was why Dad was dad and not Bro. A bro would know no one used bettybother, but a dad hasn't ever heard of pesterchum.
"Who were you talking to? Were you able to speak to your friend Dave?"
John was about to take a bite before realizing how hot the lasagna still was. "No, he still seems to be offline. I was talking to Jade."
"Oh? What's your sister been up to?"
"Not much. She sounds bored. She said she'd like to come visit some time!"
Dad looked down at his food. "It has been an awfully long time, but there's no easy way between here and the Frostlands. Well, we'll have to find some other way to get her here, she is family after all."
The idea of seeing his sister again after so long filled John with a bit of glee. Even so, he couldn't help feeling a bit, ominous. At that moment, the doorbell rang.
"Oh? Who could that be?"
"I'll get it!"
John sprung up from his seat before his Dad could stop him. In truth, it was probably just a local salamander, or a lost Prospite. John just wanted something to do to break up the monotony of the day. Even though his dad told him they'd try to see his sister, deep down he knew it wasn't likely. The Frostlands were all the way north, past the Derse controlled Heatlands. With what's happening in the political sphere, John knew it'd be a while before they went much of anywhere.
outside, the paths through the forest seem empty. Wind skims the void keeping families apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, an empty oil pail. A familiar note is produced. It is the one desolation plays to keep it's instrument in tune.
You are thirteen years old, and as with the twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The friends presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense of mirth, not of lack. His coarse schemes are less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing together altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one inquiry of dropped in it's blackwell. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.
At least, that's what you think as you stare at the sharply dressed Dersite in front of you.
"Hey kid, your pops home?"
John stood there, dumbstruck.
"Whatsa matter kid? Never seen a Dersite before?"
In fact, John hadn't. At least, not in person. However, it was less the color of his carapace and more the sleek steel that made up his arm.
"Who is it John?" Said Dad, appearing behind John. "Oh a Dersite. You're a rare sight around here. How can we help you chum?"
The man shifts his weight. "That might be the warmest welcome I've received in a long time. Sorry to bother you two out here all by your lonesome, but like you said I'm not quite in my element out here and I've been walking on my own for quite some time and I hate to impose-"
"No no, it will be no problem at all. Me and my son have just sat down for dinner, would you care to join us?"
"Well I would be absolutely delighted to."
In the kitchen, the Egbert's new guest voraciously begins ripping into the lasagna, taking fistfulls of cake along with it.
"So, what brings you to the Shadelands Mr…?"
The Dersite stops for a breath. "Where are my manners? I haven't introduced myself: Slick. Spades Slick."
"Slick? Are you a religious man?" Asks Dad.
Slick chuckles to himself. "Not quite." Slick catches John's gaze, and then notices what he's really staring at. "Curious?" He asks, lifting his robotic limb.
"Um, yeah."
"John don't stare." scolds Dad.
"Nah it's alright. Half the reason I got the thing was because it's a conversation starter. Tell me Johnny, you got a girlfriend?"
John's face became flush. "Um, no I don't think so."
Slick laughs. "Good, keep it that way. It was a lady friend of mine who took my old arm, and took my eye too. Got this replacement from my new employer."
"Wow." John was dumbstruck yet again. Spades Slick was the most interesting man he'd ever met, yet he was incredibly menacing.
"How about you Pops? Unless you're some sort of Ectobiologist Johnny had to come from somewhere, so where's Mrs. Egbert?"
"Oh ho ho." Chortles Dad. "No no, my dating years were long ago. John is actually my younger brother, I'm taking care of him in place of our late mother."
"Shame to hear that. No other family to watch the scamp?"
"Well, none that were open to the position. Of course, what I'm more interested in, is how you know our family name."
Slick stops short of his next forkfull. "What's that pops?"
"You called my supposed wife 'Mrs. Egbert', but I never introduced us."
A smile creeps across Slick's face. "Guess you got me daddy Egbert. I'm not exactly a wayward vagabond here, more of a man on a mission."
"I see." says Dad. "And what, pray tell, is that mission?"
John could see Dad's muscles tensing, he looked ready to break the table in front of him and give Slick an excuse to get another robo limb. When Slick reached into his jacket, Dad stood firm, the table splintering below him, but it all changed when he saw what Slick pulled out. It was a black square, like a coaster shaped business card, with what looked like a purple H on it.
"Grandma misses her boys."
Dad visibly softened at this. "After all these years…"
"Um, dad?" Said John, making his presence known. "What's going on?"
"You read about the tragedy in the news kid?" It's Slick that answers.
Immediately John remembered what Jade told him. "You mean the Black Queen dying?"
Slick's smile widened. "Well, she's not quite dead. WIshes she was. But no, not that one."
Not that one? Who was Slick?
"I'm talking about troll news."
"Troll news? Uh, not really."
"Not surprised, not many trolls out here, if any. But back home, on Alternia? Planet's in a tizzy. See, Alternia's run by this real old broad, called The Condensce. Gets the gig because she's got blood unlike any other, real pretty purple. Now there's a couple of other trolls with her blood type she's been grooming to take her place when she dies, which could be centuries from now. Problem is, her top candidate got offed recently."
"Wha- What do you mean?"
"That's enough Slick." says Dad. "I need to talk to John alone."
With that, Dad took john into the other room, leaving Slick to the lasagna.
"Dad, what's Slick talking about?"
Dad looks down to john with his stern fatherly gaze. "John, it's time you learned the truth of the Egbert family."
In the living room, Dad Egbert pulled out a beloved family Heirloom, Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text. "John, do you know what this is?"
John seemed perplexed by this. Dad himself had read it to him several times over. "Of course. It's Nanna's favorite book isn't it? She wrote me a letter in the front and everything."
"Indeed John. But do you know why she was so fond of this tome?"
"Because she was a world class prankster?"
"Well, yes. But more importantly, it was written by her father."
The words weighed heavily. "Wait, so Colonel Sassacre was our grandfather?"
"Yes, and his humor extended far beyond our little world. He was renowned in Derse and Prospit as well, and caught the eye of a very powerful world leader. One whom he fancied very much."
Suddenly it was all coming together. "You mean… The Condensce?"
Dad shook his head in confirmation.
"So...we're like, weird troll princes?"
"Not quite." The words came from the hall, where Spades Slick appeared. "Troll royalty's a bit more brutal than that. Thing is, whichever purple blood kills off the current leader gets the throne. The fact Grandma was grooming a few of them was her way of saying 'i'm done, put me out to pasture'. Fact is, think she just wanted to see you one last time before she bit it."
John looked to Dad. "Why didn't you ever tell me about her?"
Dad looked to the floor. "I met her once, long ago. She was...an unpleasant woman."
"Figured as much. Asked me if I was religious when I told you my name, but Prospitians wouldn't ever call the big guy Slick, and Dersites don't revere him too much. But some of the trolls call him Slick out of convenience."
"I'm kind of confused by all this. Our grandma is a troll? And like, the troll queen? And she married our gentlemanly prankster grandpa? Why didn't you tell me any of this sooner?"
"Well John, I'm not sure myself. It's all a bit much, I suppose. Alternia is...a violent place. The people there are separate by blood, and our kind don't fit in there. We could be very damning to our grandmother if the trolls found out about us. And as Slick said, there are many people in the higher caste who do...underhanded things to try and take over. They could have targeted you. So, I took us here, to bottom of Earth, where no one would find us. Or at least, I thought no one would."
John looked down at the floor. It was all a bit much. "So what do we do now?"
"I'm not sure. But I won't be hiding it from you anymore. So now, it's your decision. If you wish to go see The Condensce, then that's what we'll do."
"Now we're talking. So what'll it be kid? Wanna go see your fish grandmama?"
It was all a bit daunting. Here John was so sure he wasn't going to see his sister, and now he was going to see the grandmother he never knew he had! Wait, of course! "What about Jade?"
But before Dad could answer, a brilliant light shone through the windows.
"What in the blazes?"
"Oh no." Said Slick to himself. Outside the house, a Crocker corp ship sailed, with robotic figures leaping to the ground.
"Who is it?" Asked John.
"A real SOB." Responded Slick.
"Stay here John." Said Dad, making his way to the door.
"Don't know if it'll matter." responds Slick to himself, taking an odd horse cane out of his coat.
Once out front, the duo were greeted by the captain of the vessel, a cloaked figured wearing a long scarf.
"A troll?" Said Dad, turning to Slick. "What did you bring to my home!?"
"Sorry Pops, looks like the trip will be a bit rougher than expected. Remember how I said someone off'd the Condensce's top pick? This is the guy responsible. Eridan."
"It appears my reputation has preceded me." Says Eridan, in his bullshit wavvy accent.
"Hello Mr. Eridan, you're a rare sight out here. We don't get many trolls in the Shadelands. Would you like to join us for dinner?" That's Dad, manners first, common sense later.
Eridan just spat on the ground. "Please, how could I eat when surrounded by such, gaudy blooded-" Eridan seemed to trail off, staring down at his own spit. "Do- do you really want to have me for dinner?"
SLick turned to dad. "Yeah, you really want this slimeball in your kitchen?"
But Dad was steadfast. "We would be delighted."
In the distance, a sound like a bow snapping could be heard.
"Hey John what's going on."
The candy apple red words floated in front of John's vision of his room. It was Dave! It was finally online!"
"Dave! I'm so happy to hear from you! So much has happened today! Do you know Sassacre, the world class comedian? He's my grandfather! And my grandmother is the queen troll!"
"Come on man you can do better than that. You're suppose to be some sort of prankster supreme and here you are dishing out this weak bottom tier tricksterism."
"No it's true! A dersite with a robotic arm told me! Now a troll prince is outside my house!"
"Yeah yeah come on man I'm not buying it. So what else is new."
"I just told you!" John was shaking with frustration. How could Dave not believe him!? Had he told John about his troll heritage he would have believed him! If only he could show him! "Wait, doesn't pesterchum have some sort of viewport?"
"Yeah I think so."
John started fiddling with the settings on his glasses. "Okay I'll show you!" A little red light went on his glasses to let him know he was broadcasting. "Can you see?"
"I can see your shitty movie posters man you gotta get better tastes."
"They're amazing and that's not the point!" John leaped to his window and looked outside. Massive drones had left the crocker ship, just like the oil collectors, but colored dark gray and purple. Why had he gone through all the trouble of doing that?
"Is that him? The one up top?" Asks Dave. But John didn't answer.
"Where's my dad?" All too soon had John noticed his father seemed to have disappeared.
"Wait John hold on-"
But John didn't, he absconded from his window down his stairs, but John stopped halfway down them, because he had a clear view of the kitchen.
"So Eridan," began dad "Where are you from?"
"Eridan took a moment to stop picking at the lasagna. "Alternia, the troll homeworld." It said, a taste of disdain in his words.
"Ah of course, one of your prestigious blood could be born from the homeworld. But which land? I lived on Alternia for some time, perhaps I've been there."
Eridan was visibly uneasy. He'd never met someone so low who was so...cultured. "The Angellands."
"Ah the Angellands, a beautiful place. A place deserving of such a highblood. I'd say it's my favorite of the Alternian lands."
Eridan turned his attention to Slick. "So Jack, what brings you to the Shadelands?"
"Ah!" Said Dad "Are you and Slick familiar?"
Slick gritted his teeth. "Friend of a friend."
Eridan corrected him. "slick was my subordinate during a recent operation in Beforus."
"Beforus?" questioned Dad "I thought the entire planet was off limits."
"Oh it is." Confirmed Eridan. "So Slick? Why come all the way out here. You're a long way from Derse."
Slick stabbed at his plate. "Runnin' errands."
"Without Slick I would have never found my way here." Said Eridan with a spiteful tone.
"Well I suppose I owe Slick a thank you. With him, we'd have never met our extended family."
With that Eridan stood up, slamming his hands on the table. "So it's true! You are the bastard heirs of The Condensce!" From his new perspective Eridan could see John on the stairs, and pulled out a stick from his coat.
But dad didn't give him time to use it. Instead, he lifted the table up, shoving the wand in the air and sending the blast of hope through the ceiling. Then, with a surge of mangrit, Dad breaks through the table and kicks Eridan clean in the crotch, sending him through the ceiling.
As if on cue, one of the gray drones blasted through the front door, armed to the teeth. At the same time, an oil drone greeted it from the other side of the house. Outside, John could see the oil drones and Eridan's drones at war.
"John!" Shouted Dad.
"Equius!" Shouts Eridan from the second floor, bringing another troll into the fray, a unkempt troll sweating bullets.
"Slick!" Shouts Dad, picking him up by his collar. "You were going to escort us to the Condensce right?"
Slick shook his head yes.
"Well you're only going to be taking one of us. Take my son. I'll buy you time."
Dad stood, mangrit to mangrit with the new troll.
Slick grabbed John. "Wait dad!"
"Come on Johnny, we gotta use this time if we're going to get to the big ol fish lady."
"But wait-"
But before he could fight, one of the oil drones grabbed him, and absconded into the night. In the distance, John could see the Depot being pulled apart by the miniature war, and his dad was consumed in a loud of oil and sweat.