Harry Potter and the erm, uh, um, oh, well, er…
Mr and Mrs Dursley of 4 Privet Drive were
glad to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They had the
house, the car, the collie, and the national average of 2.1 children. Those 2.1
children were Dudley, who was 1.1 kids, and Harry James Potter, the other 1
kid. Dudley was pink, fat and blond, and he kicked and screamed quite a bit.
Harry Potter, on the other hand, was skinny, had black hair and brilliant green
eyes.
One day, when Harry was all of sixteen
years old, Mr. Dursley ordered him into the bathroom.
"Now, Harry, you know we should have had a
heart to heart talk a long, long time ago." Mr Dursley started off, a little
red around the neck.
Harry shuddered. "If this is what I think
it is…" he trailed off.
"I'm sure that we've never broached the
subject before, boy, so just bear with me."
Harry paled, swallowed, and looked away.
The toilet roll holder had never been more exciting.
"Boy, I expect you to pay attention to me
when I am talking!" Mr Dursley said, trying not to raise his voice but not
quite succeeding.
"Please, Uncle Vernon, I-" Harry started,
"Just shut up before I start yelling the
house down! Marge and Dudley don't need to know about this!" Mr. Dursley broke
in, whispering furiously.
Harry took a moment to consider, and then
inclined his head in agreement. This could be interesting. He thought.
"OK, I'll listen, this once." Harry said,
hiding a smirk. This could get really interesting especially since he wants
it all kept quiet.
"Well… er… um… how can I say this?" Mr
Dursley said, suddenly embarrassed. "You know how your aunt and I … feel about
these things, I mean…what if we just say that, I feel that…"
"Uncle, just get on with it, I think I know
what you're going to say and it's perfectly all right, I've been doing it for
years I know the 'ins and outs' Ok?"
"Right, are you sure I'll …err… clarify any
thing that I can…" Mr Dursley said hoping that Harry would be perfectly fine
about this. He had hoped it would never come to this but… "To speak of the
subject directly, I wanted to talk to you about… well… er… um… and I mean this
in the nicest possible way… the 'facts of life'. Has anyone ever told you about
life, the universe, and everything?"
"Oh, do you mean forty-two?" said Harry,
knowing perfectly what his uncle was talking about, but he decided to lead
Uncle Vernon astray, just to see what Vernon would do.
"Yes, of course!" Mr Dursley burst out, and
then reconsidered. "Uh, no, not really…I meant more about the…birds and the bees.
Have you…uh, had any um, urges of late? Or any, erm, dreams?" Mr. Dursley
turned beet red as soon as he said that.
"Oh, yes, of course!" Harry said brightly,
"And I've been having those dreams for about um, 15 years now."
"Oh." Mr Dursley was dumbfounded. "Well
then, I expect you know all about the birds and the bees"
"Well, birds, yes, we've been having lesson
on them at my school, but not so much about bees though. I know a little bit on
half-bees, but not quite so much about whole bees. What should I know?" Harry
said curiously, hoping that Uncle Vernon would take the bait.
"Um…" Mr Dursley had to think for a while.
Harry almost thought that he wouldn't continue. "Well, there's well, um, urges.
Yes, urges." Mr Dursley brightened a little. "Never give in to them, Harry.
They may lead to your downfall."
"What, never give in to the dark side?"
Harry asked, pseudo-innocently.
"Not quite, Harry. Not that kind of urge.
You know, um, when you see a pretty girl, you um, uh…you feel strangely
attracted, like, drawn together, you know, like magnets?" Mr. Dursley blushed
red. He himself had only heard about them, from the more vulgar of his
school-mates and later on, friends at work. (A/N: So that's what they do
in their lunch break!)
"Um, well, not really…" Harry trailed off,
trying to hide a smirk.
"Are you sure Harry? You can tell me, you
know." Mr. Dursley urged Harry on.
"Oh, okay. There's this one…actually, no,
um…" Harry counted on his fingers, then pulled off his shoes and continued on
his toes. "Twenty-seven." He finished, "hundred" some time later. He noticed
Uncle Vernon getting redder and redder as he went on.
"Well then, were um, any of these, well,
attentions returned?" Mr. Dursley ventured, not quite sure how to go about
this.
"Yes. Several times." Harry tried to look
bashful, but couldn't quite make it. That damn smirk was still there, trying to
break out.
Mr. Dursley was now approximately the shade
of a plum, and he looked as though he would explode. "Boy…I think…we should
continue…this…later!" he got out, then unlocked the bathroom door, and bolted
out before Harry could say anything.
With Uncle Vernon, Harry thought, the whole
thing could be rather amusing. He couldn't wait for the next session.
A/N: What did you think? Should we
continue? Please review.
