A Hochstetter Christmas Eve (or: How Not to Annoy Santa)
by 80sarcades
(with apologies to the original author of The Night Before Christmas)
Just something to get us all in the Christmas mood…and have fun with our friendly Gestapo Major in the process, LOL! Yes, I know: in Germany, Christmas traditions are different. The end result is the same.
Disclaimer: I own a car, a house, and a cat. My wife owns me. I, in turn, do not own Hogan's Heroes!
Twas' the night before Christmas,
and all through the large flat
Not a creature was stirring,
for fear they'd be shot at
The figurines were carefully hung
On the stone mantel with pride
Five men were there, strung up
On tiny nooses made of rawhide
Major Hochstetter slept soundly, snug in his comfy bed
Visions of sweet victory danced in his evil dark head
His chief prey, Colonel Hogan, caught in the night
Paraded as Papa Bear, and the Major proved right
Outside the house arose a terrible, noisy clatter
Hochstetter woke up, to see what was the matter
He flew down the stairs, and opened up the door
Not knowing the surprises that awaited in store
Up in the sky, Santa Claus flew serenely there
Along with eight of his tiny bedecked reindeer
His sleigh was bright red, and mounted with lights
The white bearded gentleman was truly a sight
"Ho, Ho," cried St. Nick, "The little Hochstetter boy!"
"You're not on my list, you will get no good toys!
You've been vicious and cruel, and deserve no treats!
A lump of coal is too good for your mean nasty streaks!"
"What are you doing there?" Hochstetter screamed
"How dare you wake me from a nice pleasant dream!
I was the hero of it all; Hogan was caught.
Now get down here before I have you shot!"
"I was good as a child; you left me with nothing.
I look out for Germany; I at least deserve something!
You give to the Allies, and leave us bare.
Hogan gets luck and all, and you never care!"
Santa laughed; "My dear boy, you're so wrong!
I take no sides at all; I only deliver until the dawn
Hogan is a good boy, and wanted only for his men
Only a blonde woman he desired, and that I cannot send!"
Hochstetter saw red, and raised his trusty Luger
He squared his sights firmly, then pulled the smooth trigger
Santa laughed again as the bullets bounced away
The Major yelled and jumped around in impotent rage
"Ho, Ho, Ho," Santa boomed, "You are a naughty lad!
I stand by my statement; no toys for being bad!
However, I am kind; I do have something for you."
He reached into his bag, and so sealed the Major's doom
Hochstetter watched dumbstruck, his mouth slightly agape
As a five hundred pound bomb (American) was sent his way
It impacted on the roof, and crashed through the slats
It crashed through the floors, then blew up the flat
The Major went flying, up and up and up
His clothes stayed behind, leaving him buff
It seemed as if he would never ever come down
As he flew over Hammelburg and mooned the town
Santa watched as the German flew far, far away
His fat belly jiggled as much laughter gave way
"Ho, Ho, Ho," he cried, "Peace upon men, all right!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
[fin/ende]
A/N: You never can tell what is in Santa's magic bag, can you?
Hope you enjoyed it. Reviews, of course, are appreciated!