Title: TH Hobbit Land

Spoiler Alert: The Hobbit (books, maps and movies)

Warnings for Entire Fic: Language, AU, Sexual Situations, Craziness

Pairing: Just about anyone with anyone else.

Summary: Crackfic – Thorin, Thranduil, Elrond and Galadriel find themselves trapped in a demented version of the game Candy Land because Merry Sue wants it that way.

A/N: Be warned this is Crackfic on actual crack.

Thranduil threw down a pink popsicle. "I refuse to pass out frozen treats to human children."

Elrond leaned over noticing that Thranduil actually looked decent in the Princess Frostine sparkling blue and white flowing gown. "Just do what she wants or she will make us play the game." He was very careful not to say her name.

Thranduil swept back his long golden hair while looking down his elegant nose. "Easy for you to say. How come you get to play the part of a Lord, and I'm stuck as a woman ruling the Ice Palace?"

Thorin ground out. "For the thousandth time…because Elrond has dark hair. He is a much better match for the Sneaky Lord Licorice who rules the Licorice Lagoon. I can't believe I remembered his name in this crazy ass game."

Thranduil flinched when a smiling girl appeared in front of his Ice Palace with her card showed a popsicle.

He threw the ice treat at her as she stared back in shock. "See I'm a better bad guy than Elrond. I'm not just stealing candy…I throw it at them. And shut up Thorin at lease you get a flowing cape."

Throin glanced down. "Yes, and I get brown boots, and you have girly ice skates. Yes, yes. I know. At least you are not called the Duke of Swirl. Do you have any idea what kind of fics could come of that? Now behave or Merry Sue will come back and make us play the game. Didn't you learn from the Lord of the Rings fics that you don't want her attention? Wait…did I just say her name?"

"I don't want anyone's attention." Thranduil threw another popsicle at small child not even noticing it was a Hobbit this time. Then the same Hobbit appeared again only to disappear as he rolled dice in mid air. "If I truly am a princess, I should be able to pout and lock myself in the Ice Palace."

Elrond froze watching as the Hobbit disappeared. "Did you see that?"

Galadriel walked up wearing a pink apron. "I would make a better Princess Frostine. I'm older than all of you, but I don't see why I have to have my hair pulled back and be called Gramma Gooey."

Thorin whispered. "You're the hottest woman to ever wear that outfit. Besides the fangirls don't want to compete with you in fics. They prefer OC's. That Violet writer even tossed one of her friend fangirls to Thrandy in one of her fics...something Visitors. You even get Gandalf in his god body. And what about me? I keep getting Bilbo or Thrandy where he hates me but wants to fuck me or has my baby. Me? What do I want? I want you. A tall leggy blonde."

Galadriel shook her head. "Stop that. You know I am married to Celeborn and blah blah blah Elven canon stuff blah. If you keep mentioning that, she who shall not be named will start writing scenes where I play with Gandalf's hair again then we end up in bed together. He's not in his god body right now so just stop it. Thank goodness Violet isn't updating that fanfic right now. I think the next scene is where Gandalf dies."

Thorin stepped closer to her getting very near to the three foot limit knowing Selective Encounter Xerox would engage and fangirls everywhere would start typing making scripts for them to play out. He was tired of kissing men and wanted the Lady of Light tonight.

She put her hands on her hips as she stepped away. "Thorin. Keep your distance or there will be S.E.X."

Thorin smiled wickedly. "That's what I'm hoping for. I never got a girl in the Hobbit then you…the most radiant of Elven women standing before me? I can't help myself." He inched forward hoping that fangirls somewhere were watching waiting for him to close his distance. "They write me with Thrandy all the time, so why not you. I would prefer you than that love hate fic Violet is writing. She is about to post something about me forcing Thrandy to wear a mithril dog collar and leash."

Elrond raised his voice. "All of you just shut the hell up! I just saw a Hobbit then another one."

….Thorin stopped his progress feeling fear for the first time since he saw Bilbo hanging from the ledge and wondered to himself where the shy Hobbit was…..

Throin shook his head. "What does the scrolling text at the air mean I'm feeling fear? I'm not thinking about Bilbo. Why does it say that I am?"

Elrond shook his head knowing this would not end well. "It is as I feared. The Merry Sue has us."

A/N I told you it is Crackfic. LOL! I saw Candy Land and could not help myself. I took about 15 min writing this. I didn't have enough time to work on one of my reg fics, so I thought this would do for now. I could not help having Elrond aka Mr. Smith make an allusion to the Matrix. Ok who gets to play the part of King Kandy?

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