Kidnapped

A/N: So there's this badass movie called Taken that stars Liam Neeson and despite how cool and action packed this movie is, I just had to parody it using Mario characters. Anyway, to sum it up, it's about Bowser trying to rescue his daughter Wendy O. Koopa after she's kidnapped by a bunch of slave smugglers.

1

Kidnapped

Currently, it was a sunny day in the Mushroom Kingdom and Bowser's only daughter, Wendy O. Koopa, was having her sixteenth birthday party. Unfortunately for Bowser, his ex-wife and her husband were also at the party. Bowser bought Wendy a brand new karaoke machine and was about to give it to her, when his ex-wife showed up.

"Happy birthday Wendy!" said Bowser cheerfully.

Wendy gasped dramatically and said, "Oh my God! I love karaoke machines! Thanks Daddy! I love you!"

Wendy kissed her father on the cheek and continued to examine her present given to her by her father. That's when his ex-wife and her husband walked in. Bowser's ex-wife, Bitch, looked exactly like Bowser (y'know, but not ugly?) and was wearing a colorful pink shell on her back. Her current husband looked like a normal sized koopa with a much smaller shell. In fact, he was a shady koopa who looked all badass with his sunglasses on.

"Hi Mom! Hi Xander!" said Wendy, happily.

"Hello Bitch. Hello Guy-Named-Xander-Who's-Currently-Fucking-My-Ex-Wife." said Bowser, with scorn in his voice.

"Hello Bowser. Bitch." said Xander.

"Xander. Bowser." said Bitch.

"Wendy. Xander. Bowser." said Wario.

"Wario. Petey Piranha. What-The-Fuck."

What-The-Fuck was nothing but a thick bolder symbol that read WTF?

"Hey everybody. How's it goin'?" asked What-The-Fuck.

"Cool."

"So Xander, how do you feel knowing your banging my ex-wife every night?" asked Bowser.

"Yeah…it's awesome man…like…totally awesome."

Xander always zoned out and got high frequently to the point where he lost count of how many joints he smoked. But as a result, he has testicular cancer.

"Hey, Wendy! I got a surprise for you!"

Xander ran away for a moment (after tripping over a table) and disappeared from the audience. But after some time, he came back with a large brown horse. Wendy shrieked with joy and began to run over to the horse, but Bowser quickly clothes lined her.

"Nope, fuck that."

He then proceeded to pull out a black pistol and shoot the horse several times in the torso. Everyone screamed and began to panic and the horse neighed loudly and slouched over to the ground, quite possibly deceased.

"What the hell was that for?!" laughed Xander.

"My present is supposed to be the best and I'll be damned if my ex-wife's husband wins my daughter over cause of some stupid horse!!" declared Bowser.

"Dad you killed my goddamn birthday present! I hate you!" cried Wendy.

"See?! Look what you made her do; she's crying now!"

"Shut up Bitch! Besides Wendy, what if the horse has a knife up his ass and he sits on you?" asked Bowser.

"It's true. I do have a knife in my ass." said the horse, which was still alive.

"SHUT UP!!"

Bowser fired off several more rounds from his pistol, making sure that he killed the horse this time. Wendy put her face into her hands and started crying again.

"Stop crying bitch! The horse was trying to kill you!"

"What are you talking about? I'm not crying." said Bitch.

Bowser smiled slyly and edged the gun over to Bitch's kneecap, shooting her and making her cry and scream.

"Now you are."

Bowser, Bitch, and Wendy were sitting at a café discussing about a European trip to France while drinking some coffee and eating doughnuts.

"I don't think it's a good idea." said Bowser.

"Why not Daddy?!" whined Wendy.

"Because you might get KIDNAPPED. Wouldn'tit suck so much ass if you were KIDNAPPED just like the title of this fanfic says???"

"Dad, what are you talking about?"

Bowser groaned exasperatedly and simply said, "Nothing."

"Just sign the damn letter so Wendy can go Bowser!" shouted Bitch.

"Shut up Bitch! I'm not signing the letter!"

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!"

"…Okay."

Bowser signed the letter saying Wendy could go to France.

"Thanks Daddy! I love you!"

"I love you too. BUT…there are a few rules you need to follow. First off, call me when you land and tell me when you get to the apartment so I can be in touch with you, alright?"

"Okay, Dad."

Two days later…in France…

Wendy and her purple shelled koopa friend Amanda were walking out of a French International Airport, looking for a taxi cab so that they could get to Amanda's cousin's condo without any delay. All of a sudden, some French koopa in a black and white striped shell snuck up behind the girls and started a conversation.

"Hey."

"Hi." said Amanda.

"Your…accent--are you American?" asked the French koopa.

"Not exactly--" started Wendy.

"We came from the Mushroom Kingdom and we were just going to my cousin's house to go trash the place and have a party later on. You're sexy and I wanna have sex with you. That's why I'm telling you all this personal information regarding my whereabouts."

"Cool. So should I give you a ride to your condo?"

"Okay!!"

"Amanda…"

"Wendy, he's sexy. What could possibly go wrong when you have a sexy French koopa riding in the same car as you?"

"I could kidnap you and use you as a sex slave."

"What?" asked Wendy.

"Nothing."

"I'm gonna go play really loud music and dance like an idiot!" said Amanda.

"Okay. I'm gonna go call my Dad in the bathroom." said Wendy.

And with that, Wendy retreated to the adjacent bathroom in the condo whilst Amanda turned on extremely loud pop music and started dancing and jumping on the couch, having the time of her life. Wendy dialed her father's private cellphone number and waited for it to ring. After some time, her father picked up the phone.

"Hey, Dad?"

"Wendy! God, what happened to you? Why didn't you pick up the phone when I called earlier?!"

"I'm sorry! We met some French guy when we got off of the planes and there just wasn't anytime for me to call."

Bowser eased up on Wendy, realizing that she was just an average teenage girl partying in a foreign country. He wasn't too surprised that she forgot to do something like that.

"Well the important thing is that you called. So how is France by the way? Have you met Amanda's cousin yet?"

"…See, the thing is Dad, it turns out that Amanda's cousin isn't here so--"

"WHAT!?"

"I said I was sorry Dad!"

"Damnit Wendy the only reason why I let you go is because I thought that Amanda's--"

Wendy droned out her father's voice when she glanced out the bathroom window and saw some people sneak up behind her friend Amanda, who was still dancing. One of the koopas grabbed her and began to drag her out of the room with the other koopa trying to mute her screaming.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wendy.

"What? Is something wrong?"

"Someone just came into the house--they took Amanda!"

"They KIDNAPPED her?!" said Bowser, feigning his shocked voice.

"Dad, what should I do?!"

"Uh…okay. Where are you?"

"The adjacent bathroom from the living room."

"Okay, go to your left and get inside the bedroom."

"…Dad, there's a shotgun on the wall. Couldn't I--"

"NO! Go into the next bedroom and find someplace to hide!"

Wendy glanced at the shotgun, longing to take the powerful weapon, but she listened to her idiotic father and decided to hide in the bathroom.

"Okay. I'm in the bedroom. Dad!"

"What?"

"They got a rocket launcher and some grenades in here! Can't I use--"

"NO! Go hide under the mattress!"

"They have a fucking--!"

"DAMNIT WENDY! JUST DO WHAT I SAY AND HIDE UNDER THE GODDAMN MATTRESS!!!"

Wendy huffed exasperatedly and (for some ridiculous reason) listened to her father again and slid her body underneath the bed.

"Honey, did you meet anybody before you got to the house? Anyone who could track you?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm…Peter! There was this French koopa named Peter we saw!"

"Okay. I need you to listen to me carefully: They're going to take you."

"Oh my God, Dad!"

"Just stay calm, because the next couple of seconds are very crucial. When they take you, I need you to shout out any form of information about the captors that you can recognize; hair color, skin color, tattoos, scars, anything."

"I got it Dad. Wait a second…I think they're--"

One of the koopa assailants snatched Wendy from underneath the bed, causing her to scream and shout in protest. The helpless koopa started screaming and shouting and form of description about the kidnapping koopas, ranging from a tattoo on one of their hands and the shell color of one particular koopa. Bowser could only listen to the horrific noises and ranting in some foreign language as his daughter was taken away. Bowser picked up his cellphone and heard faint breathing on the other end of the line.

"Listen to me: I don't know who you are and I don't know what you want, but if you let my daughter go--"

"PENIS!!"

"What the hell?!"

The koopa on the other end of the line hung up the phone.

Bowser kicked open the door to Bitch's house.

"Bowser, what the fuck?!" complained Bitch.

"Shut your geck-hole! Our daughter's been kidnapped!

Bitch gasped dramatically and said, "Oh my God! When?!"

"Not too long ago. Now shut up and let me just your computer so I can track her down!"

Bowser rushed over to her computer and began to type in several addresses just before he took out his cellphone and called his friend.

"Talk to me Jeeves."

"My name's Carl."

"I know that Jeeves. Now talk to me!"

Carl sighed heavily. "Well by the sounds of their voices, they're Pakistani or most likely Armenian koopas who deal with sex slaves and human trafficking."

Bitch started to sob lightly.

"And?" asked Bowser.

"This particular group has been getting a lot more active lately and a lot of these girls they capture keep disappearing and are never found again."

"What are you saying Jeeves?!"

"I'm saying you got about 72 hours to find your daughter or else she will never be found again and will most likely die from being fucked in the ass. That's right Bowser, your daughter will be fucked in the ass so hard, she will die. Your daughter will die from getting fucked in the ass. …Ass."

Bowser jumped through the phone and pointed a gun at Jeeves' eye socket.

"Are you gonna say 'ass' again?!"

"No."

"Good."

Somewhere in France…

Bowser was strolling through Amanda's now abandoned condo, spelunking his way through the hotel room. So far he hadn't found any clues besides broken glass and a busted table, which was where Amanda was taken. Bowser presumed that Wendy tried to fight off the assailants, but one of them inadvertently slammed her head into a mirror and scattered the fragile reflective material on the carpet. That's when he saw a pair of panties lying on the carpet, completely undisturbed and "fresh". Bowser glanced left and right to see if anybody was watching just before he grabbed the garments and stuffed them up to his nose, deeply inhaling them. He sighed contently and turned around to see What-The-Fuck staring at him in the face.

"What the hell man?!"

"No, it's What-The-Fuck. You know what my name is! Now why are you sniffing those bloomers?"

"…Cause I felt like it. A better question would be, why are you here?"

"I found a clue. See, there's this French koopa taking a photo of Amanda and Wendy and his reflection shows up in the picture. Maybe you should go check it out?"

"Sure! Thanks What-The-Fuck!"

"Now uh…if you would just leave those panties…"

"Mmm…no."

Bowser was walking through the French airport when he saw a koopa with a striped black and white shell talking to a couple of tourists, probably from Russia. Naturally, he "engaged" the koopa. Bowser shoved Peter into the car and instructed the driver to drive.

"What the hell are you doing?!" asked the koopa driver, with a heavy accent.

"JUST DRIVE!!" yelled Bowser.

The cab driver got out of the car and ran away to go alert the authorities. Bowser started punching Peter several times in the ribs with his giant claws.

"WHERE'S MY DAUGHTER?!!?" he demanded in a booming voice.

"I DON'T KNOW!!" responded Peter.

Bowser punched Peter twice in the face.

"What's the capital of Wisconsin?!"

"What?!"

Peter didn't answer correctly, so he continued to punch the French koopa in the chest.

"How many pounds of my toe jam do I have sitting in a jar?!"

"THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!"

Peter continued to scream and protest as Bowser repeatedly abused him and erratically asked him questions that had nothing to do with his daughter Wendy. All of a sudden, the back window shattered and it turns out that one of the cops fired off a warning shot, which disoriented the large, stout koopa. Peter took this to his advantage and elbowed Bowser in the chin, jumping out of the car and running away. Bowser jumped into the driver's seat and began to chase the small, but very agile koopa. Despite the fact one of his ribs cracked and he was panting heavily, Peter was able to elude Bowser and ran onto a highway going in the opposite direction Bowser was driving. Bowser got out of the car and chased the koopa on foot (with very little success, as Bowser's weight slowed him down greatly). However, Peter stopped to take a long breath and Bowser caught up with him. …At least until he jumped off the highway and landed on the top of a truck and rolled off of it, landing on the street below them. Peter walked into the middle of the street, not realizing that a truck was heading right for him…

"Hey Peter!"

"What?!"

"Your mom's a whore; your dad a crack addict and I've fucked your sister in the ass 40 times now!"

"You piece of sheet!!"

Peter said "shit" but his French accent kicked in and he pronounced it as "sheet".

"OH MY GOD! THAT TRUCK'S GONNA HIT YOU!!" Bowser said abruptly.

The reason why Bowser said all that other stuff first was to distract him. Peter turned around and was crushed by a honking delivery truck that dragged him underneath the vehicle and dragged his corpse across the road, peeling his skin and shell off. Peter was dead.

"Shit! That was pretty sick! Shit! I just lost my only lead! Shit! I can't find my daughter now! …SSSSSHIT!! I'm depressed now. I'm gonna walk away in dramatic slow-motion."

Bowser walked away in dramatic slow motion, with the sunset caressing the highway.

A/N: I honestly wanted Liam Neeson to shoot the horse in the movie. …I'm serious. :)