By: Opal Soul
"Burger King. May I take your order?" Darien spoke tiredly, not bothering to look up.
"Darien!"
The said Darien winced at the high-pitched squeal. Was it-- no, please, not--
"Darien, yoohoo! It's me, Ann!"
It was.
A young girl stood in front of him, almost leaping across the counter. Darien was suddenly grateful to the owner of Burger King. Whoever had placed those high counters there had been clever. "Yes, Ann?" he asked politely. "What can I get you today?"
"You," she drooled.
Darien jumped back, scared. "Umm. Ann, what can I get you today besides myself?"
Ann's eyes focused at the mention of food. She reached out to clutch the front of Darien's shirt. "Darien, do you have any of those cute squid things that Lita makes?"
Darien flinched. "Ann, this is Burger King, not Red Lobster."
"Is there a difference?" Ann asked, confused. "I mean, don't I show up, get food, and leave?"
Darien sweatdropped. "Umm. Technically, yes, but-- "
A strange pink light began to glow around Ann's slim body. "Darien Chiba, why aren't you giving me the squid?"
Darien almost whimpered with fright. "Ann," he pleaded, "please-- just order a cheeseburger."
"Okay," she said cheerfully, batting her red eyelashes rapidly over her pink eyes. "Anything you say, Lover Boy."
Darien grabbed behind him for a burger. "Here, Ann," he said nervously. "Compliments of me. Have a nice day."
Ann swooned. "Oh, Darien, that's so thoughtful of you, but really I can stay and help-- "
"Go!" Darien almost shouted.
"Okay, Lover Boy. Whatever you say." Grabbing her burger, Ann blew a kiss at Darien. "Ja ne!"
"Burger King. May I take your order?" Darien spoke tiredly, not bothering to look up.
Soft giggles. "Hi, Darien."
"Serena!" he blurted. For a moment a smile transformed his face, making it even more handsome. (A/N: Is that possible?) Then he closed himself up again. "I mean, Meatball Head, flunk any tests lately?"
"Waahh!" Serena wailed, flopping onto the floor dejectedly and crying. "My Darien doesn't love me anymore!"
Darien grimaced. "Meatball Head, lower the decibels! I never loved you to begin with!"
Serena looked up, confused. "Oh. That's right." A deep sadness seemed to glaze over her eyes. Darien was sorry to see the spark quenched, but decided there was nothing he could do about it. Besides, he reasoned, he'd like the use of his ears for at least a couple more years.
"So, Meatball Head, what can I get you?"
Serena giggled again. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately. "You," she said.
Darien sweatdropped. This is too weird, he thought to himself. "Umm. Sorry; I don't think I'm on the menu."
Serena sniffed wistfully. Tears began to gather in her eyes. "Waahh! My Darien doesn't love me anymore!"
Darien flinched. "Meatball Head," he whined, "please stop crying! I'll-- here, I'll give you-- three cheeseburgers and two orders of fries. Free. On me," he said. Boy, I'm getting myself into debt today, he thought.
Serena stopped crying, and her sunny face brightened once again. "Two milkshakes, too?" she said hopefully.
"Two milkshakes, too," he agreed.
"Yay!" Serena screamed happily. "My Darien loves me after all!"
"Umm."
"Burger King. May I take your order?" Darien spoke tiredly, not bothering to look up.
Masculine laughter. "Darien, lighten up."
"Hey, Andrew. Sup?" Darien said to his best friend.
"The sky. Get it? The sky!" The arcade worker doubled over in laughter. "Get it?"
"Umm." Darien cleared his throat. "So, what can I get you?"
Andrew looked extremely uncomfortable for just a second. "Actually, I need you." (A/N: Get your mind out of the gutter!)
Darien mentally slapped himself. "Umm. Why?"
"Well," Andrew said, "Rita's not talking to me, and I just don't understand it!" He scratched his head. "Do you think my Rita doesn't love me anymore?"
"I'm sure she does, Andrew," Darien soothed. "Just give her some time."
"Okay," he said happily. "Thanks, Darien." Andrew looked hungrily past his best friend.
"Umm. Do you want something to eat?" he offered. "On me." I think I need another job.
Andrew's smile widened. It stretched ear to ear. "Sure. I'll have two hamburgers, one order of onion rings, one large order of fries, two cokes, and-- oh, yeah, an ice cream cone."
Boy, Darien thought sarcastically. Serena and he would be perfect together. For some mysterious reason, Darien felt a pain sear through him at the thought. He shrugged it off.
"Burger King. May I take your order?" Darien spoke tiredly, not bothering to look up.
"Actually, no, Darien; I just came to sniff out the competition."
"Hi, Lita," Darien greeted. "Can I get you anything?"
She wrinkled her nose, then made a fist and scowled. "Are you kidding me? I'd rather eat something Serena made than this slop! This can never compare to my cooking!"
Darien flinched. "Umm, so then why are you here?" he couldn't help asking.
Lita blushed. "Actually, I need you." (A/N: Get your mind out of the gutter!)
"Oh?" Darien raised an eyebrow.
"You see, I really like Andrew, and I was wondering-- " She glanced shyly up at Darien. He was taken aback at the femininity suddenly displayed. "What does he like to do? Does he have a girlfriend? Who's in his family? How old is he? What is he going to be when he grows up? What's the name of his pet canary? What's the name of his great-aunt-- the one who lives near Moose Lake?"
Darien sweatdropped. "Why don't you ask him?" he suggested finally.
"Good idea!" Lita's eyes lit up. "I'll go do that now! Thank you so much, Darien!"
"Yeah."
Lita was almost out the door when she turned back wistfully. "Darien-- " she started, "can I have a cherry slushie?"
Darien sighed, almost feeling the dollar bills fly out of his pocket. "Come back, Lita. This one's on me."
"Burger King. May I take your order?" Darien spoke tiredly, not bothering to look up.
"Do you like your job, Darien?"
"Hi, Raye," he said. "What's up?"
"Nothing much," the priestess said. "I just came over; that's all."
Well, that much is obvious. "So, can I get you anything?"
"Actually, I need you." (A/N: Ditto.)
Darien was silent.
Raye continued, "I know I'm better than you at karate, but you're the only one I know who even knows karate, so I was just wondering, maybe sometime we could spar together maybe?" She was nervous.
"Sure," Darien smiled. "Why the sudden urge?"
Raye's eyes flashed fire and she yelled as she slammed her fist down on the counter, splintering the wood, which was funny because Darien could have sworn it was made of vinyl. Darien flinched. "Some no-good idiots think they can take advantage of me!" she roared.
"I would never take advantage of you," Darien offered honestly.
Instantly the fire was gone, and she was gazing adoringly at her ex-boyfriend. "Oh, Darien, that's so sweet. Does that mean we can go out again?"
Darien sweatdropped. How do I get myself into these things? "Well, umm, Raye. I'm kind of-- liking the single life-- but-- " He hurried before she had a chance to slice him in two. "I'll get you a chocolate cone to make up for it."
"Double, and you're on," Raye challenged.
Darien was now delving into his paycheck.
"Burger King. May I take your order?" Darien spoke tiredly, not bothering to look up.
"Very good, Darien," a voice approved. "You used the correct grammar for that sentence. I'm quite amazed."
"Hello, Amy," Darien said. "What can I get you?"
"Darien, although you may think it proper to leave the 'for' in front of the 'you' understood, it is actually quite important to speak the 'for' because some people are confused by the juxtaposition of 'get' and 'you,'" Amy lectured.
Darien sweatdropped. "Right, Amy; I'll be sure to remember that." He cleared his throat. "So, what can I get for you?"
Amy beamed with delight. Then she lowered her gaze, mumbling.
"What?" Darien cupped his ear with his right hand. "I can't hear you."
Amy squared her shoulders. "Darien, I have great need of you."
"Yes?"
Amy flushed. "Don't let this get around, Darien, but I'm having a little trouble in Calculus Four-- I know I'm not supposed to be taking it, but the Eleventh Grade Trigonometry Course I'm taking was simply too easy, so I signed up for this college course. And-- Darien, you get straight A's in that class, so could you please help me sometime?"
Darien nodded pleasantly. "Of course, Amy; any time."
Amy let out a long sigh of relief. "That's good, Darien, because I was only receiving a 101.34." She looked up at him nervously. "Do you think I'm stupid?"
Darien finally found his voice. "Umm, no, Amy; I'm sure it will-- pass."
Amy brightened. "Thank you, Darien."
"Umm," Darien contemplated, "do you want a burger? It's on me."
Amy shook her head. "Burgers are not good for the health-- I'll take a salad."
Darien had begun to perk up at her first words, but his face fell at the end.
"Burger King. May I take your order?" Darien spoke tiredly, not bothering to look up.
"Are you Darien? I didn't know you worked here."
"Hello-- umm?" Darien wasn't sure he knew the girl in front of him.
She giggled, then winked and did a victory sign. "Mina Aino, otherwise known as Sailor V! From the movies!"
Darien smiled. "You're friends with Serena."
Mina squealed, "Do you like her? That is soo cute! I am the Goddess of Love, and I'll set you up with her!"
Darien sweatdropped. "Umm, actually, no."
Mina's face fell. "Oh. Well, then, do you have a girlfriend?"
"No," Darien snapped. "Now can I get you anything?"
"Ooh," Mina swooned. "Masterful! I like it! Since you don't have a girlfriend, how about giving me yourself?"
Darien facefaulted. "Umm, why would you want a guy like me?"
Mina looked blankly at Darien. "Why not?"
"Umm. Never mind," Darien said. "Seriously, Mina, would you like something to eat? My treat, since you're friends with Serena."
"Ooh! You do like Serena! I am the Goddess of Love, and I'll set you up with her!" Mina shouted. Then she smoothed her blonde hair. "And can I have a vanilla milkshake as payment?"
Silently Darien handed her the milkshake.
"Ooh! Thanks, Darien!" Mina screamed as she left the restaurant. Then she winked. "Don't worry, Darien; I won't tell Serena your little secret."
Darien quit his job the next day.
Copyrighted/Written:
May 29, 2000.Disclaimer: Standard. Unless you actually think I own Sailor Moon, in which case . . . by coincidence, I'm holding an auction for the Brooklyn Bridge. Do I hear five million?
A/N: What do you guys think? This piece was supposed to be kind of funny. Hint, hint. Maybe it wasn't. Oh, well. I really didn't mean to bash anyone's favorite character or anything! I just thought it would be nice to exaggerate their faults, you know? And yes, I did make Darien a bit more helpful and nice than the American anime makes him-- but since he was sweet in the manga, there you go.
Thanks to: my wonderful spell-check.
E-mail: or
"If I am a jewel, as a dear friend once flirtatiously dubbed me, I am an opal. Fiery ice swirling in the milk-white of innocence. Passion and compassion. Myself to the core." Surprisingly enough, I wrote that. It's just to clarify any questions on my strange pen-name.