Summary: "I've never been known for my culinary genius, so I was less than prepared for an endeavor of this magnitude. Needless to say, I will be band from the kitchen…forever." Peter/OC set at the end of DCH, during the Golden Age.
Hey everyone, I'm not dead! I know it's been like two months, so I decided to write this up.
Disclaimer: I do not own Chronicles of Narnia or any of its characters, except for Alexa. She's my OC.
Utter Chaos
[Alexa's POV]
"That's IT!" My shriek of rage most likely could be heard throughout the castle (and startled a few residents of the Cair that were not currently in the kitchen witnessing my mental breakdown). Susan and Lucy were trying to hold me back from murder–calmly talking to my brother-in-law, who was currently taking refuge behind the counter and using a silver spatula as protection. I pointed my kitchen knife (a butcher's knife really) at him threateningly, my eyes slightly wild.
"You," I started, barely restrained rage in my voice. "You have messed with me for the last time. I warned you before, now I will not have any afflictions or remorse over killing you!" At this time Susan and Lucy's hold on me weakened with the strain, and I was able to slip out of their precarious grasp. Edmund's eyes widened with no small amount of fear, and he made a mad dash for the kitchen's exit. I took off after him, hot on his heels while the remaining two queens uttered equal sighs of defeat and sat at the kitchen table, exhausted.
Pause…rewind…
Early this morning –
"Of course we can manage. Don't even worry. Just make sure your mother is well taken care of." Susan reassured the dryad with a gentle smile. The young woman still looked unsure, however.
"If you are sure I will not be needed your Majesty…" I looked up from my book to the conversation between Susan and our head chef, Marian, a dryad that could make the best gourmet cuisine in all of Narnia. I marked my place before closing my book and joining the conversation. I was a bit curious.
"Is there something the matter?" I asked genuinely concerned. Marian looked a bit embarrassed to be attracting attention to herself, but she answered me with a nod of the head.
"Her mother has fallen dreadfully ill, and she has requested a few days leave to take care of her. I granted her a week, two if he illness progresses. But," Susan added with a raised brow to the blushing dryad.
"She doesn't feel that she should be away from her post for that long." Susan and I shared a look before I addressed Marian.
"I assure you, we will be able to manage. I'm sure the sight of her daughter is all your mother is going to need to have a brighter spirit, and you'll do a great job of taking care of her. Just let us know in a message if you're going to need that extra week." I gave her a reassuring smile for good measure, and the dryad smiled gratefully in return.
"Thank you your Majesties, I am in your debt." Susan and I both shook our heads simultaneously.
"No debt is needed, just make sure your mother recovers well." Susan replied with a grin. Marian smiled one last time in thanks before taking her leave. Once she left the room I turned to Susan with a sly grin.
This means we're going to have to cook all the meals, you know that right?" She nodded with a sigh. She was just about to reply when her eyes widened in realization.
"I know that look. What is it?" I asked in slight apprehension. Susan only had that look when she remembered something that she probably should have remembered a bit earlier. She turned to me as if preparing to avoid a blow to the head.
"I just remembered the ambassadors from Calormen are coming in two days to discuss trade agreements with Peter and Edmund, but on their arrival they are to be entertained…which includes a large dinner." I was struck speechless for a good thirty seconds before I gave her a small glare. She visibly winced, but still said nothing further.
"Right." Just perfect.
"Are you entirely serious?" Peter asked incredulously, practically jumping out of his chair and hitting his desk accidentally with his hand. He hissed and rubbed the offended hand before continuing to look at me disbelievingly.
"You do know that Anya and Sarai both came down with the flue not yesterday and regretfully called in sick. Marian was the only one left!" I winced slightly. I had forgotten about this little detail. Anya, a dryad, and Sarai, a naiad, were Marian's right-hand women, so to speak. If for whatever reason Marian couldn't work one day, they would take over the kitchen. But now there was no one left to cook food for the castle, which meant Susan, Lucy, and I would have to fill in.
"I said I was sorry. Su and I just forgot about the ambassadors. We'll make it work though, you and Ed will entertain them while Su, Lucy, and I are cooking. Problem solved." Too bad I was the last person that should ever be behind a stove. My husband knew this as well, and gave me a skeptical look.
"I promise I won't burn anything!" He didn't look convinced. My eyes narrowed and my lips pursed in annoyance.
"You don't think I can do it?" He feigned innocence in light of my increasing agitation.
"I never said anything." I stepped closer to him and poked him lightly in the chest.
"You were thinking it. I know in the past my food has been…a little shy of edible," he snorted in agreement. This annoyed me even more. I continued with a little more force to my words. "I assure you, I'll be able to cook. All I need is a little practice." Peter tried and failed to hide a smirk at my feeble reasoning to reassure myself. I turned to him feigning innocence.
"Oh, and guess who I'll be practicing on with the next five meals?" I asked in a sickeningly sweet voice. My husband's face suddenly turned a couple shades paler, and I fought the urge to cackle wickedly in triumph. I turned to walk out, but I paused at the door to look back at Peter one last time.
"Make sure you tell Edmund. He's going to be my second taste tester." I walked out, not waiting to see Peter's reaction and closed the door. I walked in the direction of Susan's room, laughing wickedly along the way, earning a few strange looks from a couple maids who had been busily doing their rounds.
Test 1: LUNCH
"Um, Susan. Is this white creamy stuff supposed to be creating foam like this?" I asked. Susan looked up from the vegetables she had been chopping and ran over to my side, much to Lucy's amusement. Susan took one look at the pot and yelped before taking the wooden spoon from my hand and sticking it into the white foam, stirring rapidly.
"I told you, you have to keep stirring it every five minutes!" I looked at her sheepishly, taking a step back at the glare she sent me.
"I'm sorry! I forgot! Oh and is it supposed to be whistling?" Susan looked back at the pot and gasped. She immediately put on a pair of gloves and took the pot of the stove, moving it to the sink before the pot's contents exploded all over them. It took ten minutes, but we managed to scrape all of what was supposed to be soup (now turned tar) and put them in two bowls.
"Peter, I can't feel my tongue." Edmund whispered to his brother in agony. Peter shushed him, his eyes shifting to and fro. He took a long swallow of his drink before replying.
"She might hear you. Just put some salt on it." Edmund complied and proceeded to empty the entirety of the salt shakers contents onto his bowl of white goo.
Test 2: DINNER
"Alexa, how much pepper did you put on the meat?" I pointed to the now empty pepper bottle. A vein was now visible on Susan's forehead with the force of restraining her urge to hit me with the spatula in her hand. I could tell. The hand holding the cooking utensil was twitching. She sighed deeply, her anger dissipating. At least she wouldn't have to eat it. Susan would prepare "back-up meals" for each one I screwed up.
"At least tell me you only put one egg in the sauce." I bit my lip and avoided her gaze. I could feel rather than see her attempt to calm herself, counting backwards from ten. She only did that when she was really trying to bite back an angry remark.
"How many did you put in?" She asked tightly. I ducked my head and took a couple of discreet steps back away from my sister-in-law.
"Alright, now don't overreact, but what would you say if I told you that I might have accidentally put in six?" I asked moving behind the counter for protection. Susan's mouth dropped open in shock. She ran to the saucepan to see the goop now mostly egg yolk than butter, cream, and whatever else I managed to put in it.
"You didn't even bother to take out the eggshell pieces that fell in!" Lucy laughed out loud, almost falling out of her chair.
"Why do I feel like I'm eating sunny-side-up with butter?" Peter asked. Edmund shrugged, taking another bite, faltering when he bit something hard that definitely did not belong there.
Test 3: BREAKFAST (oh joy)
"Alright, three eggs. One…two…three." I said to myself as I cracked each one, taking care to take out any eggshell pieces. Then I looked at the stirrer that Susan had said to use to mix the ingredients of the pancakes. I saw three different settings: low, medium, and high. I knew I would come to regret this later, but somehow the logical part of my mind thought that putting it on "high" would just make the job go faster. I turned the knob on the setting, and once the two wisps were in the mix, I pressed the "on" button. Worst mistake of my life.
"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED IN HERE?" Susan asked (more like screamed) when she and Lucy walked into the now defiled kitchen. I shrugged, holding up the stirring machine Susan had left me with. A bit of now gooey pancake batter dripped from every available space of the counter I had been working at, the ceiling above the counter, and of course, my clothes and hair.
"I think your little do-hickey here malfunctioned." Lucy had to restrain Susan from physically abusing me. Needless to say, it took an hour for everything to get cleaned up.
"It actually isn't that bad if you take the edges, top, and bottom off. The inside is like a regular pancake." Peter commented, trying his best to carve the molten pastry his fork and knife. Edmund was too busy drowning his in half the bottle of syrup.
Test 4: LUNCH (final test…good luck with that)
"Alright, you have managed to destroy every meal I planned for you to make, and I think it's because they were a bit too complicated." Susan said pacing back and forth across the room.
"What about the pancakes that wasn't so hard." Lucy quipped with a grin. Susan gave her a small glare, which didn't faze her at all.
"I still say that stupid machine had something wrong with it!" I insisted. Susan just shushed the both of us with a hand, and ushered me closer.
"This time I'm going to be watching your every move."
Peter looked at the chicken with rice and vegetables in trepidation, but steeled himself for what he was about to do. It looked normal enough…but did it taste normal? That was the question. Edmund looked at him in expectation, waiting him to go first. Peter gave his brother a "gee thanks" look, but Edmund wasn't fazed.
"She's your wife, you go first." Peter sighed and nodded. He hesitantly took a fork full and quickly shoved it into his mouth. As he chewed he expected his taste buds to be assaulted with some kind of disgust, but to his immense surprise, it actually was edible. It was a little bland, perhaps, and a little singed, but it was edible. Peter actually smiled for the first time that day.
"Ed, it's a miracle! It tastes okay! Try it." Edmund obliged and his eyes widened in pleasant surprise. He wasn't choking or dying of food poisoning so he guessed it was alright.
Unbeknownst to the two kings, Susan, Lucy, and I watched their reactions from the doorway. Lucy and I cheered while Susan simply smiled in relief.
Later after we all had gotten washed up and ready for the arrival of the Calormen nobles. I walked out of both Peter's and my room alone. Peter had already left to gather the documents needed for the later discussion on furthering trade. I walked into the hallway to see Edmund also exiting his room. I smiled and he returned it with a grin of his own.
"You ready for tonight?" I sighed.
"I think so. I mean, not that much could go wrong could there?" I asked shrugging. He suddenly got a mischievous glint in his eyes.
"Oh, so much could go wrong you have no idea." My eyes narrowed at this. I turned to look at him sharply and I looked at him with a level glare.
"If you do anything I promise I will kill you. I'm warning you now." He only laughed at my expense.
The snooty Calormen ambassadors came in their overly extravagant manner. Right away Peter and Edmund led them to the dinning room, since it was already sunset. We three queens were busily cooking in the kitchen as promised.
"No, what are you doing? Stop! You don't put that on the fish!"
"I'm sorry! I thought this was what you told me earlier."
"Well obviously not!"
"I'm sorry! Here, let me help."
"Alexa, watch out for that–"
The sound of yelling and pots and pans falling to the ground could be heard all the way in the dining room where Peter, Edmund, and the three ambassadors were talking. The two kings winced, and immediately the ambassadors looked in the direction of the offending sounds.
"What was that?" One of them asked.
"Oh someone must have just had a small accident in the kitchen is all." Peter reassured. They didn't look convinced.
After another try of marinating another batch of fish, I had finally gotten my job down. Good thing these stoves were very fast, or this meal would have taken forever.
"I'm finished cooking the fish. How are you with the rice, Lu?" Susan asked her sister who had just finished steaming the rice.
"They're good, and so are the vegetables. Alexa managed not to burn them."
"Hey!" I called out indignantly. The both the Gentle and Valiant Queens ignored me in favor of putting the newly made meal on plates. Once Susan put the rice into a bowl and moved to get the vegetables, she slipped on a little puddle of water from rinsing the fish and accidentally knocked over a pan that fell to the floor.
"What was that?" Another one of the Calormen gentlemen asked when another crash sounded throughout the room.
"It must be the Queens in the kitchen again." Edmund said before Peter could stop him. This intrigued one of the long bearded nobles that had barely spoken at all that night.
"Their Majesties are preparing our food this night?" He asked genuinely curious.
"Y-yes they are. They wanted to give you a special meal in honor of your arrival." Peter said, making up as he went along.
"Edmund will go check on them just in case anything serious happened." Peter added, turning to Edmund with a stern gaze pointing to get to the kitchen in a hurry Edmund complied, happy to be out of the presence of the nobles. He made his way into the kitchen and immediately he regretted it.
We helped Susan up, and thankfully nothing else but the pan was knocked down. I picked the fish back up, sighing in exhaustion. It had been a long day, and it was finally over and done. The meal was finished.
I exited the door, only to run into a tall figure. I tripped and lost my balance, and accidentally letting go of the precious entrée that had previously been in my hands. We all stood there in shock looking at the fallen dish on the floor that had taken almost an hour to make…all my pride and joy…destroyed in one foul swoop. I slowly looked up at Edmund, menace in my eyes.
"What in Aslan's name was that?" Peter murmured when yet another crash sounded.
"What is going on in there?" One of the ambassadors asked in annoyance.
"I wish I knew." Peter mumbled. But he wouldn't leave his guests here, no matter how much he wanted to get up and sprint to the kitchen. No. For now he would wait…until he heard the unmistakable voice of his wife in pure anger.
"That's IT!" My shriek of rage most likely could be heard throughout the castle (and startled a few residents of the Cair that were not currently in the kitchen witnessing my mental breakdown). Susan and Lucy were trying to hold me back from murder–calmly talking to my brother-in-law, who was currently taking refuge behind the counter and using a silver spatula as protection. I pointed my kitchen knife (a butcher's knife really) at him threateningly, my eyes slightly wild.
"You," I started, barely restrained rage in my voice. "You have messed with me for the last time. I warned you before, now I will not have any afflictions or remorse over killing you!" At this time Susan and Lucy's hold on me weakened with the strain, and I was able to slip out of their precarious grasp. Edmund's eyes widened with no small amount of fear, and he made a mad dash for the kitchen's exit. I took off after him, hot on his heels while the remaining two queens uttered equal sighs of defeat and sat at the kitchen table, exhausted.
I followed Edmund through the empty corridor, dodging small statues and decorative plants placed along the hall. I didn't notice he was heading into the dinning room until it was too late.
"I hope Peter has no qualms about me killing his brother, because I'm about to–" I stopped short just as I entered about half way into the room…that was full of Calormen ambassadors. They were all staring at me, and I was now painfully aware of how I must look: hair disheveled, gown wrinkled and speckled with food, red and sweaty, and to top it all off, they had heard me threaten the Just King, my brother-in-law (purely in a joking manner of course). Edmund took his place next to Peter, clearly out of breath. Peter only gave him a scalding glare before leveling me with a look that clearly said we would definitely be talking about this later, whether I wanted to or not. I cleared my throat.
"Hello gentlemen. If you would excuse me, I will be serving your meal now." I turned, knife still in hand, and brusquely exited the room.
The three gentlemen looked to each other and then to Peter.
"That is your wife?" One of them asked incredulously. Before Peter could reply the noble who had said barely a sentence the whole night spoke.
"I like her." Peter was speechless for a moment, but then nodded. He really had no reply to that except…
"Thank you."
Thanks for reading! I hope you had just as much fun reading it as I did writing it. Lemme know whacha think! :D And for those who read my story Hereafter, I am currently working on the chapter, I just threw this out for fun.