Babes, Bikers and Boners
Summary:
Dean and Sam are at it again with the practical jokes; however, something happens to Dean, so this makes Sam do something drastic. No wincest or slash, just brotherly angst and pranks that get out of hand.
Rated T for language and sexual situations/references.
I would like to thank my co-writer/beta-reader and friend, deanstheman, for being punctual, perceptive and extremely supportive. Plus, she picked the title too. (You can find her through her many stories like I did when I read her first one, "One the Way to Phoenix").
Introduction:
This takes place soon after 'Hell House' from Season One.
I Do Not Own 'Supernatural', it belongs to the Eric Kripke and the CW and I'm only using them for the entertainment of this story.
SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN ~ SPN
Sam Winchester knew something was wrong, because his brother has never been this quiet while being in the car for such a long time. It's been one week since Richardson, Texas where the two brothers had decided to 'call a truce to practical jokes... at least for the next hundred miles'.
But, Sam knew his brother would want to have the last word, or joke per se, plus Dean was still pissed about the lack of skin on his palm from the Superglue incident.
Sam has to admit to himself that having Nair in his shampoo again would be horrifying, since Jess always loved to run her fingers through his shag.
"Hey, Dean, want me to try to find a radio station?" Sam asks as they pass a sign reading, Welcome to Fort Wayne, Indiana. "I bet they have a classic rock station too."
"Whatever."
"What does that mean"? Sam confusingly questions.
"Jeez, Sammy, whatever means whatever. Man, for someone who went to college, you're a dimwit."
"Dimwit…what are you seventy?" Sam chuckles, however, Dean keeps his eyes totally focused on the road. "Dean, what's wrong? Are you mad, sick or something?"
"Awe c'mon, why can't we sit here in silence?" Dean annoyingly asks. "I'm not mad, sick or anything, it's…never mind. I mean, we're gonna be there shortly…just no more chick questions, okay?"
The statement just made Sam worry more because since when did his older brother not want to listen to music and just want to sit in silence. What in the hell is wrong with Dean?
Sam watched the guy behind the steering wheel…he was tense, withdrawn and somewhat depressed. Was he possessed? Maybe when we stop, I'll get the holy water out.
Instead, Sam mumbles, "Christo." Dean looks over to him and then shakes his head in disappointment. The sorrow in his eyes almost made Sam weep and is immediately more concerned.
Finally, they arrived at their destination. A woman named Annie Caldwell swore to have seen the entire Bill Everett Family in her basement, but the police concluded she was mentally unstable because the family had been murdered over eighty years ago. Her sister, Jane, had called Dean, because she knew he could help.
Sam and Dean walk to the front door of an extremely old colonial style house and knocked. A beautiful brunette with big violet eyes opened the door and practically jumped into Dean's arms and kissed him.
Dean, however, doesn't move. He doesn't put his arms around her or even return the kiss and this made Sam worry even more.
The woman does not seem to notice Dean's lack of advancement and invites the duo inside.
"Dean, I'm so glad to see you and your brother because I'm very worried about Annie," a concerned Jane says with a small smile.
"Glad we can help; wanna fill us in." Dean states as Sam watches him with sympathy.
"Sure. My younger sister, Annie, suddenly became tense, withdrawn and somewhat depressed." Jane is distracted by Sam's gasps and stops talking as she and Dean turn to look at him.
Sam is frozen by her words…the same words he was thinking earlier about his brother. He quickly snaps out of it though and politely insists she continue with her story.
"Well, Annie has never been depressed or anything before, so I knew something was really wrong, like she was possessed or something. I hired a psychic and she said the Everett family was talking to Annie about…" Jane starts to cry and reaches for a tissue.
"They want Annie to kill herself and join them for a grand party in the stupid basement for eternity. What kinda shit is that?" The brunette beauty inquires. "I don't know what the hell is going on; that's why I called you."
"Don't worry; we'll put an end to this shit." Dean states, while standing up. "Show us to the basement."
Sam tries to focus on the task, but is very bothered about Dean's mental state, as they walk down to the basement.
"Alright, Sammy, I think our first move is research, so do the thing you do best." Dean chuckles and the sound of his laugh relaxes Sam a bit.
Sitting on the floor with his laptop, Sam reads an article. "Okay, it seems Bill Everett, his wife, Polly, and their four kids all took poison and killed themselves here in the basement and left a rambling note about attending a grand party for eternity." Sam reads more, "Plus, several others through the years have killed themselves here too. And most didn't even live here, thus leaving it to conclude that everyone was mentally ill, like the way the police said Annie is."
"Well, I think we should spend the night here and wait for them to contact Annie again." Dean suggests.
"What about burning their bones?"
"What about it, Sam?"
"Dean, lets do that now." Sam pleads.
"Nah, lets wait and sleep." Dean says as he climbs the stairs.
Confused, but no longer worried, Sam follows his older brother upstairs and soon they were sharing a room. Sam in the double bed and Dean stretched out on the sofa. They were in the next room to Annie, who has been sedated on and off for days by her doctor.
As Sam was starting to drift off, his brother slowly walked out the door. Sam called to him, but nothing. In fact, Dean looked like he was in a trance and Sam needed to stop him.
But, Dean was too fast and before he knew it, Sam was in the basement with his brother. "Dean, can you hear me?" Sam says as Dean sits down with his knife.
"Yeah, I hear ya lil bro whatcha want?" Dean says while the knife is gently rubbing against his own cheek.
"Dean, talk to me…what's happening?" Sam fears.
"Sam, I'm tired of life on the road…the road that leads to no where and I want it to end. I want attend a grand party for eternity…you know, to be happy."
"Oh, God, you can't kill yourself!" Sam tearfully pleads. "Please, give me the knife…I beg you! Please, Dean, I need you and don't want you to die!"
"I hafta. I need something more than driving around with you…I wanna have fun."
"Dean, we can have fun…I promise! Whatever, you want to do, then we'll do it!"
"Yeah, you say that now, but when the time comes, you'll be a party pooper as usual."
"No, Dean, I won't! I really do promise, I swear!"
"Sorry, Sam, but I don't believe you. Just take care of my baby, will ya?" Dean says as he slits his own throat.
"NO!" Sam yells as he runs to the massive amounts of blood loss from his brother's body. "Dean, oh my God, what have you done?" Sam takes off his shirt and is holding it as pressure to stop the bleeding. "Jane, help me!" Sam screams even louder, "Jane, help me!"
But the house is a dead silence as his brother's breathing stops. "Dean, can you hear me? Dean!"
Sobbing, Sam can't let his brother go. "Please, come back to me Dean, I'll do anything."
With his watery eyes, Sam believes he sees movement in the corner of his eye. As he shoots around, there is Jane with a video camera. Then Dean starts to move and Sam knows that look in his brother's eyes…this was another practical joke.
Dean sits up with the help of Annie, who then begins to wildly kiss him. Meanwhile, Jane is filming them as Dean is unbuttoning Annie's shirt with his teeth.
Standing there shirtless, Sam barks out, "What in the hell is going on here?"
Jane points the camera to Sam and then back to Dean, who begins laughing, "Well, Sammy, I wanted to hook-up with the Caldwell twins and I knew you would be a party pooper as usual, so we came up with this plan…gotcha ya!"
"What the hell…gotcha ya! What are you, like four years old?" You're being a total dick!" Sam screams, "Oh, by the way, this was not a practical joke, it was a nightmare! How could you do this to me?"
Dean mocks him, "how could you do this to me? Jeez, Sammy, lighten up already. Whatcha need is to get laid by the twins."
Sam huffs, "You scared the shit out of me so you can get laid? You're a freakin jerk, you know that?"
"Yeah, bitch, I know."
Jane points the video camera to Sam, "So, you wanna join us?"
"Fuck all of you. I'm taking the Impala to a motel…give me the keys!"
Annie puts her hand in Dean's pocket and retrieves the keys, which she threw to Sam, who immediately leaves.
Hours later, sitting on the cheap motel's bed, Sam is still furious. How could he do that to me? Why did he think that was funny? And it was all to have sex with twins?
Sam is looking at website about practical jokes, when an advertisement for Viagra pops up. As he goes to remove the ad, something clicks and a slow smirk appears on the young hunter's face. Sam has a plan on how to get Dean back and it isn't going to be pretty.
The next afternoon, Sam drives the Impala back over to the Caldwell house. Annie answered the door and joyfully let him in.
"Dean, we gotta get going. We have to be in Joliet, Illinois and it will take about three hours or so."
Dean is sitting on the couch in his boxers as Jane is kissing him. "C'mon, it can wait a few more hours. Sit and watch our videos with us." Suddenly, Sam sees the television and its Dean having sex with the twins.
"Oh, man, turn that off!" Sam screams as he takes the remote from Dean's hand. "We gotta go, now!"
"Sorry gals, but duty calls. I promise to be back soon, so keep that video camera charged for some very long nights in the near future."
Dean gets dressed and meets Sam out in the car. He sits on the passenger side and asks, "What are we hunting?"
"A werewolf was spotted near Joliet, so we hafta get there before the full moon." Sam answers.
"Well, Sammy, we got plenty of time and I need to eat."
"Its Sam and we don't have time. You should have eaten at the house, but obviously you were too busy."
"Yeah, those twins kept me very busy; therefore, that's why I need food. I burned off massive amounts of calories and my tummy is hungry."
"Your tummy?"
"You know what I mean." Dean says with a smirk. "Hey, pull in there." Dean says as he points to a diner.
Sam reluctantly pulls in and is soon seated inside the diner. Dean orders a ridiculous amount of food all while flirting at the young waitress.
The time is never right for Sam to make his move and he keeps ordering coffee for Dean to drink, patiently waiting for an opportunity. Finally, after having seven cups, Dean excuses himself to use the restroom.
The youngest Winchester is now able to slip the little blue pill into his brother's jelly donut, knowing he'll inhale it so fast he won't notice the tiny crunch.
Dean returns and immediately scarf down the donut, thus making Sam take note of the time. In about four hours, Dean is going to be feeling the magic of Viagra.
Sam orders coffee for them to go, hoping it will slow them down, because the timing has to be very accurate.
About an hour later, everything is going to plan as Sam sees his brother squirming behind the steering wheel.
"Dean, what's the matter?" Sam smirks as he is laughing on the inside. "You got ants in your pants or what?"
"Shut up, Sammy!" Dean yells as he tries to focus on driving.
"Do you want me to drive?"
No, Sam! I suddenly got a…" Dean embarrassingly stops speaking as it is getting impossible to ignore what is happening, plus watching the road. One particularly uncomfortable squirm makes him swerve but luckily he manages to regain control before they hit the ditch or any oncoming traffic.
"Damn, Dean, what in the hell is going on with you?" Sam shouts and this makes Dean finally pull onto the side of the road. "So, what's wrong?" Sam demands again, struggling to keep a straight face.
"Sammy, I don't know how to say it, but I have a massive boner and I need to take care of it now." Dean says and points to Sam.
"What? No way am I helping you with…your problem."
"Jeez, Sam! That's not what I meant. I want you to get out and leave me alone to, you know."
Sam looks around, "But, Dean, there is nothing or no one out here. What do you expect me to do, just stand out there?"
The bulge is getting harder to ignore, making Dean yell, "Yes! Get out and just stand there…and do it now!"
Fed up with the situation, Sam exits and walks to the back of the Impala. Sitting on the bumper thinking about how awesome his plan was and how everything was right on schedule.
Meanwhile, Dean has been jerking himself off for almost an hour and was mentally and physically worn out. However, the erection was still there and wished he had a woman around to take care of it. But, they are in the middle of nowhere and its getting harder.
Another half hour goes by; Dean is surprised by Sam knocking on the window. "C'mon, Dude, how much longer?"
"Sammy, I don't know. There's something wrong…I mean, really wrong." Dean fearfully admits, "I have a boner that won't go away and if I was on a date, it wouldn't be a problem, but I'm here with you and not sure what to do."
Sam opens the door and there was his oldest brother with a huge erection. Sam wants to start laughing, but maintains a straight face. Dean's still pumping his cock and his face was red and flushed, kind of looked like he ran a marathon and lost. Dean doesn't seem particularly embarrassed as desperately tries to relieve himself to no avail.
"Sammy, I think I need to see a doctor or something. I don't want any permanent damage, so please, help me, okay?"
"Yeah, Dean, what do you want me to do?" Sam asks, starting to feel just a little sorry for Dean. He hadn't realized his brother would have this much of a reaction.
"How about you drive me to a clinic or something." Dean says while gently moving to the passenger seat.
Taking a towel from the backseat, Sam opens the driver's side door and wipes everything down, including the steering wheel. He sadly looks over to his brother, "Don't worry, I'm here and you'll get everything that is coming to you, I promise."
They drive for several miles but there is nothing is in site and Dean becomes more and more agitated. "Sammy, what does the map say?"
Sam slows down and looks at the map, "Dude, there's nothing out here…oh, wait. Hey, the map shows a food symbol."
Still pumping away, Dean manages to say, "Hurry, please hurry."
About thirty minutes later, Sam pulls into the only parking lot around. It's a biker bar and very crowded. Dean pleads with his little brother to call for help.
"Dude, you seriously want me to call an ambulance?" Sam asks incredulously. "And say what - my brother's got a boner; come help jerk him off?"
Dean's face falls. "I guess you're right," he mumbles, though his voice is barely more than a whimper at this point. He looks around the room desperately, still squirming uncomfortably in his jeans. As he scans the room he sees a brunette and a red-head.
Finally he turns back to his brother and Sam is surprised to see a smirk on Dean's face. "There's chicks over there," Dean grins. "Not quite my type but they'll do. I'll bet they can solve my problem." And with that he heads off across the bar towards two tattooed girls in tight jeans and leather jackets playing pool.
Dean talks to them and within minutes, all three climb the stairs to a loft. At the top, Dean gives two thumbs up to his little brother at the bottom of the stairs, who is frustratingly shaking his head.
Sam lets out an exasperated groan. Dean was going to get laid! He'd planned this whole thing to make his brother suffer for payback and Dean was gonna get laid out of it? How is that fair?
Determined to not let his well-planned scheme fail until Dean had been dealt as bad as he had dished out, Sam thinks quickly.
Okay, if Dean goes away with those women, then maybe I will stop them in a few minutes to tell him that someone was beating on the Impala. He'll go running out with his stupid boner in front off all these biker dudes and get…what? C'mon, Sam think of something, since we've gotten this far, but I think I need some air first.
As Sam is leaving, he gets blocked by bunch of bikers. Trying to remain calm, Sam slightly smiles and quietly says, "Excuse me."
The biker standing directly in front of him laughs and the others instantaneously join in. He moves closer to Sam and this makes the hunter slowly move back but he notices the other men fanning out. The youngest Winchester counts nine men surrounding him, plus another fifty watching
"Sir, I wasn't staying so that's why I'm trying to leave." Sam explains, "I really don't want any trouble."
The entire bar is silent until that biker gets closer again, "If ya didn't want trouble, then why did you and your buddy come in looking for it? He's with our women now and you expect us to let y'all leave?"
"Uh…I honestly wasn't looking for trouble for me, I uh…"
"You what?" The biker demands.
"I uh…wanted to get my brother back for a practical joke and…"
"And what?" The biker commands, "just spill it, kid. What in the hell is going on?"
"I thought you guys would see his massive boner and start something." Sam explains as he voice gets softer. "I was so pissed at him for what he did that I put Viagra in his jelly donut a few hours ago."
The place is so quiet; you could hear a pin drop. Sam looks around as no one is moving or talking, until that biker put his arm on the young hunter's shoulder. "What did your brother do that mad ya pissed?"
Sam looks around again and suddenly feels at ease, so he told the entire story.
"Kid, you have a douche bag for a brother…you know that?"
"Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry for coming here and as soon as Dean is finished, then we'll leave and never come back."
"Hey, I'm Mad-Dog and I own this." That biker says as he leads Sam to the bar. "Have a drink on the house, since ya really need it."
"Thanks." Sam says after taking a shot. "I guess Dean's gonna have the last laugh."
"Not necessarily." Mad-Dog states with a conspiring grin. "I used to be a Dallas lawyer, so I gotta a few tricks up my sleeves.
Sam's big smile lights up the dull essence of the biker bar as everyone starts yelling out their ideas. Over an hour passes by when everyone puts their new plan into action.
Sally, Mad-Dog's biker babe, frantically runs up the stairs into the loft and violently screams, "They're gonna kill him! They're gonna kill him!"
"What are ya screaming about, Sally?" The red-head demands.
"They're gonna kill that kid you came in with!" Sally exclaims as she points to Dean. "He owes them money for losing at pool and they're gonna collect."
"Oh shit, Sammy!" Dean yells as he climbs over the two women to get dressed and then rushes anxiously down the stairs, where he sees several bikers beating on his little brother.
But, before Dean could land one punch a shotgun is aimed toward his head. "Put your hands up!" The gunman yells, "Now!" As Dean does what he's told, another biker searches him, relieving him of all his weapons.
The elder hunter looks at his beaten brother,groaning on the floor. "I'll give you whatever ya want if Sammy can go."
Mad-Dog answers, "Sure, we'll let both of ya leave, if we can have your '67 Impala."
"What?" Dean shouts, "Hell, fucking, no!"
"Fine," The gunman calmly says, "We'll keep pounding on your Sammy then. Guys keep going." Mad-Dog motions for them to start.
"No! Stop!" Dean barks, "I'll give her to you, but first Sam leaves."
"Deal." The gunman answers. "Let him go."
The oldest Winchester grudgingly hands over the key as everyone walks outside. Dean takes a hold of his beaten brother and guides him to a nearby bench. "Sammy, what did ya get yourself into?"
"I'm sorry, Dean." Sam tearfully states, slightly stunned at how quickly Dean had given up his baby for him. "I was getting bored waiting for you to finish so I was asked to play some pool, I agreed. But, they cheated and said I owed them ten-thousand dollars and if I didn't pay up I'd get my ass kicked. I tried to fight them off, but there were too many…I'm sorry."
"No, Sammy, I'm the one who's sorry. If it wasn't for this massive boner, we'd never have come by here." Dean remorsefully announces. "I'll make this up to you somehow, okay?"
The duo stands as a man comes near the Impala with a lighted blow torch. Dean runs over screaming for the man to stop.
"Sorry, but we're gonna blow this piece of shit up." The gunman coolly announces.
"Get the fuck away from her!" Dean violently commands. "Now!"
"Or what?"
"I'll make it my life long crusade to make each one of you pay."
Mad-Dog responds as the blow torch turns off, "Make us pay, like how ya faked killing yourself in front of Sam?"
"What?" A confused Dean asks as he looks at his little brother's grin, which makes him repeat, "What?"
"Do you really think its funny to die in front of your little brother…the guy who looks up to you the most?" An irritated Mad-Dog asks. "Why does hurting your brother make you feel better? Only a jackass would think of doing that, but it takes a dickhead to actually go through with it. But, at least Sam will have the last laugh now."
Dean confronts his brother, "Sammy, I'm really sorry for all this, but what did ya do to me?"
"I slipped you Viagra and did that to you." Sam points at Dean's crotch, "Sorry. And it's Sam."
"Sammy, what the hell were you thinking? I had a fucking boner for hours and the whole time you thought it was funny?" Dean exclaims, "I can't believe you do that to me. You're the dickhead!"
"No, Dean, you're the one who started this shit, but it stops here and now." Sam hands him the key to the Impala. "We are even now and we're leaving."
"Yeah, Sam, it's over. But, just so ya know, thanks to you and that little blue pill, I got laid." Dean smacks his brother on the back, "I got to have two threesomes in two days – so, I guess that means I win...again." Dean chuckles through the biker crowd toward his car.
Sally walks up behind Sam, "Dean won't be laughing soon coz everyone knows that one of the chicks he slept with has crabs and the other used to be a man."
Everyone shares a laugh with Sam, as he thanks them. Dean keeps honking the horn and the youngest Winchester finally makes his way to the passenger door.
Dean blasts the radio as the Impala speeds out of the parking lot. "Dude, its gonna take more than a little blue boner pill to stop the master. Face it, Sammy, you'll never win…I'll always be older and wiser."
Sam shakes his head, already contemplating his revenge. He's thinking laxative this time…
The End