The Intoxication Of A Werewolf.

One-shot

Hey Guys! I've realised most my last couple fics have been Sirius (lol, I had to) angst, eg, lacking someone to hold, kiss me, bittersweet,the art of dreaming, so, I want to make more people 'chuckle' as muggles say, and PS this is going to be an actual one-shot, I said the same thing about bowling too and that ended up with 15 chapters, a soon to be posted epilouge, and was my most successful fic yet. But this is to make you laugh at my style of 'writing' which basically pile of fluff, hot guys and sarcasm.

I never said you had to read it.

Lupin3Black.

There was several different types of drunks.

And I, for one, had sampled them all. I had my favourites. Of course I did, I was a pioneer (who would of thought?) and I could remember all the things my pissed mates would do and be able to tease them about it in the morning. My favourites being as followed;

The happy drunk, i.e James Charlus Potter. James was one of those drunks that was ridiculously optimistic about everything, and I mean everything ('Who cares that your gay? I know most people are homophobic Sirius but come on! Live a little' or my personal favourite 'Ah well Peter, so you got punched in the face but hey! Now you can say, I got punched in the face! How great is that?), even when Lily would turn him down he'd still smile and laugh, giggling at nothing then giggling even more.

Sometimes I wondered ,how I was the gay one.

The weepy drunk. I always laughed at this one, as James usually spent the whole party beside them, trying to cheer them up. Peter was a weepy drunk. He cried about everything. A conversation between a drunk Peter and the drunk James usually went a little like this.

Peter; But James *sob* it's so unfair! I mean, *tear* I'm the ugly and fat one of the marauders! I'm stupid, round and my hair never does anything!

(By this point I would be peeing myself on the floor laughing, because let's face it, when we see fat people cry, we're going to laugh. It's like an old lady being hit in the face with a frisbee. You shouldn't laugh, but your gonna!)

James; Well Peter! *said with a ridiculous enthusiastic tone* at least it's you and not someone else! I mean, you don't do much but your a great tag-a-long! I need someone like you to carry my books.

Then, there was the slutty drunk, e.g Lily Evans. I know what your thinking, trust me, I was in hysterics the first time I witnessed it. It was fifth year, and everyone was off their tits, apart from me and Moony, I don't drink and Remus says he's a bit of an unusual drunk (I'll get to that later) and doesn't want to show everyone, Lily leapt unto the table and commanded Kingsley , start quote 'Drop her a beat motherfuckaahhh!' End quote, she then proceeded to strip, flinging her clothes everywhere with the grave of an upturned walrus. Remus being the kind gentleman he was, quickly ruined the show by ushering Lily to bed and charming her unconsciousness when she bit him. Not because she was fighting with him, noooo, she's skanky drunk and wanted to get off with Remus.

He blushed so hard the next day when she asked where he got the hickey from.

Did I help? Pffft! Noooo! Did I fuck! I was laughing so hard, people thought I was drunk, plus it was a little nautilus from Lily's 'show'.

Hey! It's not that she's ugly no! Lily's quite attractive, it's just, I'm gay. I have no need for women when I have Remus all to myself.

Did I mention I was dating Remus? No? Well I am. Keep your filthy hands off him or I'll castrate you.

Moving on.

Then there's the wild drunk, Alice Prewett. She'll do any dare and won't fail to make me proud as a marauder. She's one of Dorcas Meadowes girls, and damn, those girls can party. I mean, jay-seus, it's scary what they can do.

I'm not sure a spine should bend like that. It's a bit like Remus's when he's-

Never mind.

Frank Longbottom, the leery drunk. Now I know Frank, he's a great guy, bit of punker so he sticks with the ravenclaws, Frank is the kindest cutest, fluffiest bloke I've ever met. (Apart from Remus, he practically eons the word cute) and he always treats his girlfriends right, never kisses them on the first date, no sex before marriage. All that crap. But he's great, if he wasn't straight and Remus had never been born then...

Yeah, no, I'd still be I'm love with my remmie-kins.

But when Franks drunk.

Oh fuck.

He's a whore.

He's pretty much the male version of Lily, but because he's attractive, most girls appreciate it, so it's all good. They don't however, appreciate the cat calls and the leers and their boyfriends enjoy it even less, so poor Frank usually wakes up with bruises in the morning.

Poor sod.

I think that's all my favourites. I said previously I was going to explain Remus as a drunk.

Fuck.

You'll enjoy this.

I did.

It was 1975 and we were 18, it was our last night at Hogwarts and I'd convinced Remus to drink because I knew he wanted too, but was too afraid of what he might do, so I promised I'd look after him. Everyone, Grffyndors, hufflepuffs, ravenclaws, slytherins, the lot of them, were completely shit-faced.

Like. Oh Merlin. They were so drunk they were dancing to Bieber and hadn't realised it yet. (A/n I know justin isn't that old but I like all the old bands so I messed up the time-line a bit. Sue me. Or, you know, don't mention it?)

And my Remus, my prefect, werewolf, adorable boyfriend who'd never done a bad thing in his life (outside of the bedroom, ;) )

Was full.

And I mean, completely wankered, he was babbling nonsense and perching on my knee. Just when I thought he was a slutty drunk, (which I wouldn't have minded) he got up and pulled me with him, gazing up at me with the most innocent expression ever, he said, "I wanna dance Pads. Dance with me?" So yeah, when a guy as hot as Remus Lupin asks you to dance with him to a Bieber song, (that you secretly like, because it was a bloke singing about his boyfriend, so of course Sirius supported any fellow gays) you say yes.

Unless it is Remus Lupin.

Then you say no.

Because he's mine.

*grrr*

But anyways, I dragged into the crowd by my wrist, I was just about to complain when he started dancing.

Oh.

My.

Fuck.

My innocent, cute, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, boyfriend. O

Was.

A.

Burlesquer.

Drunk.

TOTAL MINDBLOWN, I MEAN FUCK. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT! REMUS LUPIN GRINDING INTO YOUR LEG, SHAKING HIS HAIR AND SUCKING YOUR NECK.

It does things to a man.

A burlesque drunk! my dear friends, is a couple steps sluttier than a slutty drunk. So Lily, bless her little Cotten socks, tries to undress on a kitchen table.

My Remus.

Vanishes everyone's clothes.

Fuck.

You can see now, why I try and get Remus as drunk as possible whenever I can.

And that, my friends, was how the first 'club' got started. Thanks to Remus Lupin. And his drunkness.

Signing off, Sirius Black.

A/N *hides behind couch and tried to look innocent*

Okay guys, I'm sorry, it's a bit unusual, it's not well written but it's twenty minutes to one am and I'm TIRED! Literally, I crossed my legs a minute ago. Them jumped because my own fucking knee scared me. Anyways, how did you like Sirius's POV? Love it? Hate it? Want to burn me in a box?