A/N - What if Alison had never been the focus of Emily's affection? Instead Alison only knew about the feelings that Emily had for Spencer Hastings. While Alison and Emily still had a strong bond there wasn't the romantic feelings that were canon on the show. It was inspired as I was thinking more about what Emily said to Paige about looking for guys like her in 1x20. This will be more based strongly on the show and its plots, but with a different edge and dynamic. Starts at the plot of 1x09. S/O to faberrittanainthetardis for her encouragement :)
"That's why I love you. You're big on happy endings. So is Dickens by the way, Pip gets Estella in the end. Can I read you something? 'I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.' Did you get to that part yet?"
Emily's head nods slowly. Her eyes are fixed on the floor, but her mind is miles away. She can feel Alison's eyes staring at her. There's a question in her eyes; Emily knows that Alison knows how she feels. Alison always knew.
"Is it so wrong to want a happy ending?"
There's a laugh. Not one that lights up the room or even makes Emily smile. It's a laugh that says everything Alison knows how to say without words. It just reminds Emily of how much control Alison has over everything and everyone. It sounds like a mother laughing at her child's ridiculous dreams. "Not everyone can have a happy ending." Emily's gaze finally reaches Alison's eyes. "Don't plan on having a happy ending with her. I understand, but she won't. It was just one lousy kiss during Truth or Dare, Em. It meant nothing to her. You don't want to lose everything over some fantasy, right?"
It always surprised her how Alison could say the worst thing while sounding like an angel.
"Yeah, so I heard. Nice cover, huh?" Detective Wilden asked with a grin on his face. "You want me to share this with them? Or would you like to? Go ahead and tell them about the angry letter that you wrote to Alison, which is dated by the way, three days before she disappeared."
"You had no right to read that," Emily's voice shook as she spoke. Her hand reached to grab the letter again as if that would make Wilden's memory of its words disappear. There was so much fear in her eyes and it showed on her face. She could only hope that the other girls wouldn't see her expression as she faced Wilden.
"Emily, what is in that letter?" There was a fear evident in Spencer's voice. Spencer knew that Emily couldn't hurt Alison. Not Emily. Her eyebrows wrinkled closer together in fear and confusion. She needed to know what the letter said, probably even more than the other girls. The fear was in her now. The absolute thirst for knowledge and understanding was in her blood.
Would this be how they found out Alison died?
"Tell her. Isn't that why you wrote the letter? Because you wanted to tell Alison how you felt about Spencer?" Detective Wilden asked as he stared right at Spencer. Spencer cocked her head slightly as she faced Emily. What did this have to do with her? She thought the letter was about Alison.
Emily's face was full of fear and shame, but Wilden wouldn't stop. The case had consumed him. It was the only way to get to the truth, to expose the girls for their lies. "Tell her how you wanted to punish Alison for how she made you feel about your feelings for Spencer. Tell her how you felt relieved at the funeral. Yeah, she wasn't going to be around to humiliate you anymore, was she?"
Wilden's eyes flickered back and forth from the two girls. Their expressions were completely opposite: one of shame and the other of concern and confusion.
"I went back to that memorial to say I was sorry," she said as her voice lowered and trembled in the process. Emily could barely lift her gaze from the ground. There was shame written across her face. This wasn't guilt. This was pure shame—it was put on her from someone else. If Alison rejected her, wouldn't the rest of them? Especially once Spencer found out… But Emily wouldn't let Wilden tell them instead of her. She wouldn't let him have that much power over her. "There were horrible things in that letter. And I didn't mean them. And suddenly she was gone…" Emily's words were hushed and the girls almost had to lean in to hear them. Emily looked up one last time and glanced between the three girls: her three best friends. There wasn't any way she could lie to them anymore… but to tell the truth was to risk losing them all.
Spencer knew the conversation was towards her. There was a strange feeling in her stomach as she saw Detective Wilden stare at her. It made her feel uncomfortable and judged. He knew something about Emily that she didn't know and it made her more upset than she would have thought.
There was a beat of silence; it allowed Emily to catch her breathe and gain the courage to say what needed to be said. Her eyes flickered back and forth before they returned to stare at Spencer. It was only one sentence but she knew it would change everything. Emily knew she owed it to Spencer to look her in the eyes while she told her.
"She knew that I loved you as more than a friend."
There was a silence as everyone in the room tried to absorb the information that had just been given. Emily's eyes flickered from Spencer to the floor. There was nothing else she could say at the moment. Her breath was shallow and her eyes swollen with tears not yet fallen. Her worst nightmare of this happening wasn't as horrifying as how it had actually happened. This wasn't her choice. She hadn't wanted Wilden to find the statues in her backpack or her letter to Alison. The letter… it was so private; something that shouldn't have ever been opened.
Spencer was flabbergasted as she stood and stared at Emily. Her mind couldn't wrap around the sentence. Her brain couldn't comprehend it, not yet.
"Give her the letter back to her."
Of course it was Hanna that spoke first. She was the first one to know about Emily and Maya. Emily couldn't even smile in gratification; all she could do was continue to wait for any sign from Spencer on what she had said. All she got was a look of surprise on Spencer's face and silence. "Give it back to her now or I swear I'll rip your head off!" Hanna almost growled. Emily would thank her later, but for now she was just glad someone was defending her. She could hear the absolute protective nature coming out of Hanna's words. The letter hadn't changed Hanna's view of her and for the moment that had been enough.
"Sorry, I can't. And we're not leaving this room until you tell me what you were doing carting around pieces of Alison's memorial!" Emily had almost forgotten about the memorial until Wilden brought it up again. It snapped her out of the silence she was in and back into the defensive mode. Emily hadn't done anything wrong; she never could have destroyed the memorial.
"I took them because they were the only things that weren't broken."
The girls turned quickly as they heard the door screech open. It was easier to breathe after seeing who it was. There wasn't anyone more equipped to handle the situation than Veronica Hastings. The burden had been lifted off the girls' backs to protect Emily. Nothing bad could come to her while Mrs. Hastings was there.
"What's going on in here? Why aren't they in the locker room with the other kids?"
Spencer's eyes flickered from her mother to Emily for only a moment. The letter could be forgotten for now. It didn't have to be discussed in front of anyone else, especially Wilden.
"Who are you?"
"Her mother. I mean, if this is the school's idea of keeping my child safe, I'm glad I came back." Spencer crossed her arms as her mother spoke. As much as their family fought, Spencer knew that at the end of the day, her mother would always be there. Especially when it had to do with the law. "Honey, why is she crying?" Her mother's question brought her attention back to Emily. Even with the letter in mind, Spencer couldn't leave behind her protective nature. She didn't have time to think about what the letter meant. All she could focus on was protecting Emily.
"He accused her of killing Alison," Spencer said as she moved across the space between Emily and herself. The anger that she felt, the disgust for Wilden, was held in the tone of her voice. She wrapped her arm around Emily's back and put her other hand on her arm. Spencer's hand ran up and down Emily's arm unconsciously as she saw her mother's eyes widen in shock.
"What?"
"He went through her purse and now he's accusing…" Aria started, the anger wasn't just in Spencer, but it flowed through all the girls.
"Hold it. Hold it. You're questioning minors without an adult present? What police department do you work for? What century are you in?"
"Ma'am I would advise you –"
"Oh, no, I would advise you to back off. Because anything that they've said to you is inadmissible in a courtroom, period. Let's go. Emily, honey, grab your things. What were you thinking?"
Each one of the girls took something from the table where Wilden had torn apart Emily's purse. Spencer could still hear her mother going off on Detective Wilden as they left the room.
Emily's gaze stayed on the floor. Her hands were trembling. She was in cruise control as the other girls quickly rushed her out of the door.
It wasn't until it was announced that the SAT's would be postponed that Spencer had time to think about what had happened. Her mom had answered all her questions about Detective Wilden and the other two girls had gone to comfort Emily. She needed time to think before she could talk to anyone else. Spencer had seen how Aria and Hanna stared at her after the confession. She could almost see their minds spinning as they tried to figure her out. Luckily for Spencer, her poker face was almost golden.
She hadn't used it too much though; instead her look of confusion covered all the bases.
Spencer knew that the only gaze that mattered was Emily's. The girl had barely looked at her after the confession. All Spencer got was side looks and glances from Emily. The shy, timid girl Spencer only knew before Alison took her under her wing had replaced the normally outgoing Emily that Spencer knew now. Emily hadn't said anything to her before she ran off to the bathroom after leaving the library.
Oh, Emily.
For being so intelligent, Spencer felt so stupid sometimes. She should have seen this before it had gotten to a point of shame with Emily. Spencer hated knowing that these feelings… that Alison had used them to her advantage. How could she have been so blind to not even see that Emily had feelings other than friendship for her?
Spencer should have been able to see how Alison would always push Emily towards Spencer with a knowing, almost mocking smile on her face. She should have been able to see what Emily's lingering hugs actually meant. But instead Spencer Hastings had seen nothing until all the memories started flooding back into her mind.
"Hey." The male voice shook her out of her trailing thoughts and back into reality.
"Oh… hi," she said with no expression on her face. What was she supposed to say to Alex? That one of her best friends had just confessed love for her? No, they were definitely not at that part of the relationship.
Alex leaned in for a kiss and instead Spencer did something that surprised them both. She turned her cheek, the kiss clearly not landing where Alex had planned it.
"Is everything alright?" He asked, the confusion clearly evident in his voice. Just a few hours ago, Spencer had so willingly made out with him near the lockers and now she couldn't even bring herself to kiss him.
"Nothing, nothing. Sorry, just not feeling good." The excuse was as good as any. "I think Em, I mean Emily has some Advil. Can we talk later?" Spencer took his nod as a response and she was able to walk off without another word. She wouldn't feel right kissing him when she was so desperately confused about the entire Emily situation.
Spencer knew that if she talked about it; if she really allowed herself to think about it, that there could be some truth to her own feelings for Emily. Maybe it wasn't just friendship that she felt for the other girl. No, you don't have those feelings. You're just confused. Don't make this about you.
"Em?"
Emily didn't even need to respond, she didn't know how to respond. If only she could have gone back 24 hours and changed everything. She wouldn't have gone to the memorial and then Spencer would have never found about her feelings. Everything would be back to normal.
Yet, no matter how she wished to go back, Emily couldn't deny the relief in her chest now that it was out in the open. Her deepest, darkest secret wasn't so dark anymore. Instead light had been shined on it and nothing terribly evil had happened.
"I wish I had known. Hey... look," Aria said. Hanna stood behind her with her arms crossed. Emily wished that someone had known, someone that wasn't Alison and wouldn't have played it so bluntly against her at times. If Emily hadn't waited so long to say something, then maybe this wouldn't have been as difficult. Maybe it would have been better. Even if Emily wished, there was no good with the "what ifs", all that mattered was the now and how they were taking it in the present.
Neither of the girls had a look of pity on their face. Neither looked disgusted with her. Instead they looked concerned and Emily felt accepted. "Spencer loves you, Em. I don't know if it's in the way that you want her to, but I know she does."
"You obviously have a type," Hanna chirped in.
"Hanna," Aria whispered harshly as Emily just looked towards the blonde.
"Look at Spencer and Maya. They're both brunette and sassy," Hanna said with a slight shoulder shrug. "Don't get me wrong, Em, I know Spencer's hot and everything, but why not me? I'm blonde and hot and—"
"Oh god, shut up Hanna."
It was the first thing Emily had said and it was said with a laugh. That had to be a step in the right direction. Even Hanna hadn't seemed upset with it, instead there was a smile on each of the girl's faces. Leave it to Hanna to be the only one able to get them out of the funk and back to smiling.
"But seriously Em, you don't have to worry. Spencer can be… well Spencer, but there's no way that this will change anything if you don't want it to," Aria reassured with a true smile.
The door squeaked slightly as it was opened. The smile slowly slipped from Emily's face as Spencer walked in the room looking more anxious than she did. "Hey," Spencer spoke before anyone else had a chance. "Can we talk alone?" Spencer asked with her gaze directed at Emily.
It was now or never and Emily didn't think she could handle the never. She just nodded her head as Spencer walked towards her slowly. "Call me later?" Aria asked, her hand lingered for a moment on Emily's shoulder to make sure that this would be fine for the both of them. "Hanna," Aria whispered as she got up and Hanna had just managed to make herself look more comfortable against the wall.
"What?" The blonde asked confused as she crinkled her eyebrows together.
"They want to be alone," Aria said as she grabbed Hanna's arm. Hanna mumbled something about wanting to see the action before it was just the two of them left in the room.
Emily's eyes stayed on the ground for a few moments before she heard Spencer start to speak. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let Ali… I'm sorry, Em," Spencer spoke softly. Nothing about this situation made Spencer want to shy away from Emily or not be her friend. If anything, Spencer only felt more protective about Emily. She hated knowing that Alison had tortured Emily with this for so long. If only she had been able to do something about it, if only she had realized it before.
"You don't need to apologize," Emily said shyly as she stayed still, not wanting to chance anything by moving. "I'm so embarrassed."
Spencer cocked her head slightly at the words. "Emily. This isn't going to change anything you know that right? You're still my best friend."
"Spencer. Do we have to talk about it?" Emily asked. It had already been too much for the day. Even though she knew that Spencer wouldn't give up (it was something that she really liked about the girl), it couldn't hurt to ask.
"Emily."
"Please?" The amount of hurt in Emily's voice made Spencer want to cry.
"Okay, okay," Spencer gave in. She wouldn't push the issue any longer tonight. "I do love you, Em. Nothing's gonna change that. I promise. If I would have known before, I would have made Alison stop."
"I know."
There was a moment of silence before Spencer reached across the small space between the two of them and grabbed Emily's hand tightly. She just wanted Emily to know that she wasn't alone; she'd never be alone.
Emily could feel her heart rate rise quickly at the contact between her and the other girl. Part of her wished that Spencer would just hate her; it would have been easier that way. Instead, here she was holding Emily's hand and it only made it harder for Emily to contain her feelings. If Emily had thinking straight, she wouldn't have done what she did next. If Spencer hadn't held her hand, Emily would have never thought about doing this. Emily was so infatuated by the other girl; she just couldn't help herself.
It only took a moment for her to close the distance between the two of them and press her lips against Spencer's softly. The thing that surprised Emily the most wasn't that Spencer let her kiss her (because Spencer could have turned away), but that Spencer's thumb began to rub against top of Emily's hand.
The kiss only lasted a few seconds before Spencer pulled away with a sigh. Emily tried to see what the girl was thinking through her facial expressions, but Spencer's eyes were still shut and her forehead was crinkled slightly. It reminded Emily of the look Spencer got when she was trying to figure out a difficult problem. Not a math problem or a science problem. No, this type of concentration was saved for questions that made Spencer think hard.
"I'll see you tomorrow at school. Text me when you get home, okay?" Spencer asked without giving the kiss a second thought. Emily just nodded and Spencer had to force her eyes away from the blush that filled Emily's face. She had to force herself out of the room quickly before she found more comfort in Emily. She didn't even know what the kiss had meant to her. She wouldn't allow herself to confuse Emily more. Spencer didn't know what to think. All she knew was that there was a stirring in her gut and a lightness that filled her while Emily had kissed her. There would be time in her bedroom that night to think about it. Right now, she just needed to get out of the room before she could do anything else that might ruin their friendship.
This was a question without a right answer. The question wasn't black and white; the lines weren't drawn yet. Even Spencer Hastings couldn't answer this question.
And knowing that gave Emily a bit of hope.