In an office in a mansion in France 1915 sat a British officer looking at some notes and laughing. This was Captain Darling. Kevin Darling. He was and was attracting some attention. He noticed some soldiers nearby looking at him nervously. There was a reason for this. It was an unfortunate factor in Darling's personality that he was something of a sadistic maniac. If Darling was happy, this was probably because someone else wasn't. Now, to be fair to him, Darling was aware of this fact in his personality and in his gentler moments did try to do something about it. Indeed had he been born a few decades later an expensive course of therapy might have done the trick.

But this was 1915 and the British army where sadism and bullying were considered positives in a Captain's makeup. Especially when there was such a tempting and handy victim at hand. One Captain Edmund Blackadder. He had been summoned and Darling had some very unpleasant news for him. And he was late. And he had bought that daft Lieutenant, George Hannover, nephew of Melchett's with him. Still Blackadder always was late. Darling thought that Blackadder did not treat his superiors with the proper respect. Though of course, technically Darling was of the same rank, but liked to think of himself as superior. Blackadder was concerned by the look of joy on Darling's face as Blackadder entered the office chamber. 'Come on, out with it, stop smirking, give me the bad news,' he said.

Darling grinned. 'Ha, ha, how do you fancy a change of scene, Captain?'

'A change of scene, how spiffing, do you think we might be sent on another secret mission?'

'George, do you remember how "spiffing' our last secret mission was? Sent by this cret...Captain here? Six hours in no-mans land, looking at a machine-gun point, which, as it happened did not even exist.'

'Come on skip, there was a nice full moon!' Replied George, ever cheerful.

'It was not a full moon, it was cloudy, drizzly, cold, and been the first of the month the moon could barely be seen, I think that you are confusing that mission with one of your dates. But anyway, darling, hurry up,' Blackadder wanted news of his mission of course.

'I want you to take a break from the trenches,'

'That doesn't sound so bad,'

'For a change of scene'

'Now why am I suspicious?'

'Blackadder, you are going to join the Navy!'

'WHAT?' This was worse news than even Blackadder had feared. Blackadder loathed the navy and the sea. His opinion of ships was that it was as bad as the trenches only with the added fear of drowning. Especially as the German navy was actively seeking to do this with exploding torpedoes launched at the ship which was between him and the cold, wet, blue sea. Blackadder noticed his superior officer, General Melchett enter the office. Blackadder tried to reason, though his hopes were not high with his General. 'For the love of god I am an army man, why send me to the sea?'

Darling was the first to answer, 'Possibly some might say that this is for my own personal sadistic pleasure, but this is on fact, a mere side-effect. Go on, General explain.'

'Good day, and what do you think of your new posting?'

'All I can say General is that it was a better day before I heard the news'

'Oh, bravo General, I am so excited to be going to the sea!' Guess who said that.

'Oh, Blackadder, what's the problem you and your men have always looked like good seamen to me!' Said the General with a Freaudian slip, 'and I'm sure you like the taste of the old sea dog, 'General Melchett said down and rubbed his moustache. He did look for all the world like a kindly old uncle and what he was about to say did sound reasonable. Till one heard the actual words He spoke. 'Thing is, Captain is that we are having problems with our supplies in the Mediterranean. Take a look at this,' and he showed some paper to Blackadder. Then Melchett looked at it, 'Oh, sorry, that's this weeks chateau menu, I can't give you those orders, that would make no sense whatsoever!' he laughed. 'So, we need men like you to guard the supplies in troubled waters.'

'At least we will be in the sun, then,' but those happy thoughts of Blackadders were dashed.

'So you are going to the North sea.' Melchett finished illogically.

'Did I miss something?' Asked Blackadder as Darling laughed.

'Everything's connected, everything's connected,' declared Melchett.

'How so?'

'U boats, you need to do something about them, there are many in the North Sea!'

'For heavens sake,' Blackadder finally snapped. 'You do realise that this makes no sense whatsoever don't you? We are soldiers, what are we going to do about U-boats fire pistols at their iron clad hulks?'

'Funny thing about you, is that you can be a bit defeatist at times Blackadder,'

'Good luck against those u-boats,' chortled Darling.

'Oh, please,' groaned Blackadder.

'Any way, I'm in a charge and what I say goes if it makes sense or not. What's my name?'

'Insanity?' thought Blackadder. It there was no changing he General's mind.

'Darling, give him the details,' ordered General Melchett.,

The next morning at 9am sharp he was to be picked up by Private Bob and driven to the port where his ship awaited. 'And don't you dare be late and miss it,' growled Darling.

'Oh, no, absolutely not, Blackadder lied. But that gave him an idea. At 8pm the next day, he looked around in the early morning must and saw one Lieutenant Tolkien, the teller of entertaining tales. Blackadder greeted the man and took him to the corner of the trenches were neither could be easily spotted. 'These poems of yours,' he said, 'why don't you tell me about them, I've heard rumours that they are fascinating.'

Which was enough for Tolkien to give a long and detailed explanation of his made up world. Time passed.

George shouted across the trenches, 'It's ten to nine, come on.'

'Coming George, as quick as I can,' Blackadder lied again. 'Erm, Hobbits, what are they?'

Tolkien replied, 'An essential part of my creation you see,'

George spoiled Blackadders desperate scheme to be lateby spotting him and Tolkien in the corner of the trenches. 'Come on, Sir, buckle up you have a ship to catch, you don't want to be late,' said he, then he noticed Tolkien. ' I say, Sir why are you talking to old Trollers here?' He gave Tolkien a chirpy slap on the back, characteristically ignorent of the black stare the future fantasy author was giving him. 'He does write charming but totally nonsensical tales. It all goes a bit above my head.'

Tolkien said sharply to George, 'Why don't you ever speak properly in English?' As he did always appreciate good English, something which to George was a foreign concept.

Blackadder laughed. It seemed that there was something which he and Tolkien did agree on that was the character of George. 'Good morning to you, Lieutenant,' said he and departed. Tolkien had the mistaken impression that he had a fan for life! Though he did observe the behaviour of George and decided that the dim, but cheerful and essentially English character of his would be a perfect base for one of his own Hobbit characters. Can the reader guess which one?

Anyway, Blackadder was been given a military lift to the port. The General wanted him to arrive at the sea as quick as possible, he supposed. He was been given a lift by Private Bob. Bob looked very fetching in an army skirt, flowing hair and attractive blouse. She was Bob short for Kate. This was a long story which cannot be repeated here. She was chortling much to Blackadders dismay. 'Oh, Edmund, you are going to the North Sea assigned to the Richard the fourth.' She giggled. 'Do you know how far North you are going, how near to the German fleet you will be and how you will suffer?' Blackadder shook his head. 'You soon will. Still. I almost envy you. I have had enough of dry land and would like a stint in the Navy,'

'Is that because you have had every soldier and now want to try your luck with the navy?' asked Blackadder sharply, as he knew Kate very well.

'I like been on a ship full of seaman,' smiled she.