Two Realizations
- An Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfic by Lunatique
1. A Sudden Flash of Light
A sudden flash of light cuts through the night, and I must move, 'bend, fight, do something, but I cannot. I am frozen in a moment out of time, back when the bottom of the world fell out and I was falling, falling. I fall through that darkness still.
The last time I saw this flash of light, the cruel blue barbs shot through with blinding white, you plummeted to earth from the heights of celestial glory, and you died. You died. I could move then, because I had to, and I didn't know you were gone. I thank the spirits of moon and water to this day that I did not know then, because I would have broken down like a silly little girl and so lost the chance to bring you back.
Move, move, move! One of the worst moments in my life, and I never thought I would relive it this way. The way you smiled at me, the way you laughed, the way you goofed off, the tender shy kiss you planted on my lips - all gone, ashes on the wind. The possibility of that loss, the hurt and betrayal and the hate of it the moment I realized this long journey was never about hope and salvation and all that's nice, but about the raw terror that I could lose you.
A shadow falls across the flash of light; the betrayer, the enemy, the friend, the marvel of a boy who cut away family, country, and history to fight his way bleeding to our enmity, our scorn, and finally our trust - the dear selfless boy stands between me and death, oh Spirits, no. All because I could not move in time, choked like a silly little girl venturing outside her village for the first time.
All because that flash of light is entwined, so sinuous and cold, with the moment you were taken from me. It was brief but more than enough, a reminder of what could be. What would be.
Even as he falls, taking the death-blow that was meant for me, I know too well how horrible I am underneath all I say and all I do. Because I thank everything I can think of that you are far from here, and not lying here in his place. This boy who gave me little flutters everytime I looked at him, that blossoming secret warmth - and I can't even care. It is nothing, he is nothing, candle flame in a gust of wind in the freezing fear of you slipping from my arms forever.
There are other truths in this moment as he channels death through himself and rips the sky with another flash of light, bright as the fireworks you and I watched together, once. The thought of losing you, of holding you close and calling you mine and then finding you no longer there, that fear froze me and drove me away. I had lost too much in my lifetime of war, and I let my life, my war, make a coward of me. So much easier to turn to someone safer, someone I would miss but could still afford to lose-
He collapses into himself, racked with pain, while the she-jackal who is his sister who threw away every rule of the duel and every last claim to honor laughs and laughs. The anger, the need, warms me and I am unfrozen that I may move again. The fear is there, but I can live with it, flow with it, flow around it and so own it.
It's time to act, time to save our friend, even the world if we can. If we still have a world tomorrow and our warm, fragile lives, if we ever meet again, Aang, what will we say to each other? What will I do? Maybe I will put my arms around you, even knowing you might not be there the next moment. Maybe I will tell you what you mean to me, if I have the words. Maybe the words will overflow and be gone from me and I will speak with silence of how you fill my heart to the brim, with a pain so exquisite I will never let it go.
I like to think that I will. I hope I have the courage.
Next: Zuko and Katara receive news of the final battle. Plenty of Zutara-ish action if you like that sort of thing.