Feliciano Vargas: Babysnatcher
"I like babies. Don't you like babies, Germany?" Feliciano Vargas asked his friend as he walked through the door of Ludwig's house. "Babies are fun! They have these really big heads and small bodies and they're really funny lookin, but adorable at the same time!"
"Ja, Italy, I like babies fine," Ludwig replied, not even bothering to look away from the newspaper he was reading. He had learned long ago not to question Feliciano's random appearances at his house or his slightly insane attempts at conversation. The Italian would quickly move on to another topic, more than likely something pasta-related. Like right now.
"Say, Germany, you don't mind if I use your kitchen to make pasta, do ya? Romano kicked me out of ours."
"I would say no, but it wouldn't matter anyway," Ludwig sighed.
"Thank ya Germany!" Feliciano hugged his friend, then pulled a full of boxes of various kinds of pasta through the front door and back toward the kitchen.
"Just make sure you clean up after yourself when you're finished!" Ludwig shouted to Feliciano's retreating back, but the Italian was in his own little world.
A few hours later, Ludwig found himself standing in front of the kitchen sink, his hands covered in soapy water and his brows knitted together in annoyance. What had possessed Feliciano to use every single dish in the kitchen for cooking pasta, Ludwig would never know. Nor could he figure out how the Italian had managed to get tomato sauce all over the walls…and ceiling. At least now Feliciano had left (he'd said something about going to the park) and Ludwig could get back to cleaning his kitchen in peace.
But Ludwig's peace could only last so long. A few minutes later Feliciano burst through the door again.
"Germany! Germany! Look what I've got!" Ludwig heard Feliciano yell from the front door. This was followed by the sounds of him running frantically through the house looking for Ludwig.
"I'm in the kitchen, Italy." This was followed by the sounds of Feliciano practically falling all over himself in an attempt to get to Ludwig to show him his new surprise.
"What is it, Italy?" Ludwig asked as he heard the other man enter the kitchen. The sight that greeted him when he turned around caused his eyes to go wide. Feliciano was standing next to the kitchen table with a baby in each arm, one in a sling on his chest, and another perched precariously atop his head. "Italy! Where did you get those babies?" Ludwig shouted.
"Oh, I found them," Feliciano replied simply.
"You found them? Where?"
"In the park. This one was in a stroller, and the one was in a baby carrier, and this one was in the baby swing," he said, sitting the babies in his arms and on his head down on Ludwig's kitchen table. He then pointed to the baby in the sling on his chest. "And this one was in one of those baby backpack things people have. I had to run real fast after I found that one."
'And where did you get the sling?" Ludwig asked. "Did you steal that too?"
"No, I made it," Feliciano said proudly. "I had this box of white flags that I wasn't using right now, because I'm not at war with anybody. So I took a bunch of them and sewed them together to make a sling thing. Isn't it great?"
"Ja, great. Listen, Italy. I think you sh-"
"And I gave them all names! This one's Spaghetti, and this one's Vermicelli, and this one's Rigatoni, and this chubby one here is Ravioli. Oh yeah, and this bigger one is Manicotti." Feliciano raised his leg to reveal a toddler clinging to his calf.
"I told you already mister, my name is Hans!" the child said.
"I found him in the sandbox," Feliciano offered.
"Italy! I don't care where you found them! You need to return them before die Polizei show up!"
"Why would la Polizia show up? I didn't do anything wrong."
"The police would show up because kidnapping is against the law!" Ludwig answered. Feliciano had not heard him, however. He was too busy carrying the babies to Ludwig's living room, followed closely by Hans/Manicotti. Feliciano laid the babies on the sofa, and stared tickling their tummies. The babies all remained happy for a few minutes, cooing and giggling at the funny faces Italy was making. Then the one that he had named Vermicelli started crying. And then they all started crying. This turn of events greatly upset the Italian.
"Germany! Germany!" he cried over the din made by the screaming infants. Ludwig ran into the living room to see what all the fuss was about. "Help me Germany! All of the babies are cryin, and I don't know what's wrong with them! They don't smell funny, so I don't think they need new diapers." The German put his palm to his forehead with a loud smacking sound.
"It's okay Italy, they're probably just hungry," Ludwig said in his most soothing voice (which of course wasn't very soothing at all) in an attempt to calm the Italian down. "They'll stop crying if you feed them."
"But that's bad Germany! I can't feed the babies! I don't have boobies!" Feliciano shouted frantically.
The German found his hand meeting his forehead again. "Italy, you really don't know anything about babies. Just go and buy them some formula."
"I know the formula for water! It's H2O! And the formula for hydroxylammonium sulfate is-"
"Italy, that's not what I meant. I mean baby formula."
"Ooh, ooh, I know that one too! The formula for babies is taking an egg cell and a sperm cell and combining them to-"
"Italy! That's not what I meant!" Ludwig yelled, his voice full of exasperation. "You know what? Just let me do it." He didn't have the first idea about how to buy baby formula, but he figured he could do a better job than Feliciano. He put on his coat and was walking out the door when the Italian called after him.
"Hey Germany, can we feed these to the babies?" Ludwig turned around to see Feliciano holding four bottles, one for each baby. "I found them in those purses that babies come with, to hold diapers and stuff. I don't know why Spaghetti and Ravioli have purses though, since they're boys."
"It doesn't matter," Ludwig sighed with relief. "Just feed the babies so they'll stop screaming."
Fifteen minutes later, the babies had all been fed, and Feliciano had laid them in a crib he had constructed out of an old tomato crate, where they beginning to fall asleep. Feliciano had just sat down when a small voice emanated from under the sofa.
"Can I watch TV now?"
"Ah! Germany! Your sofa is haunted!" Feliciano exclaimed, leaping up and running out of the room. As a result, he missed the sight of Hans/Manicotti crawling out from beneath the couch.
"Italy, calm down. It's just the little kid," Ludwig called after Feliciano, who running around in circles in the other room, rambling about dreaded German sofa ghosts. When Ludwig's words reached the Italian's brain (this took a while), he calmed down and ran back into the living room.
"Oh, hi Manicotti. What were you doing under the sofa?" Feliciano asked the child.
"I hid when all the babies started crying. They were too loud," the toddler told him. "Can I watch TV now?"
"Sure!" Feliciano exclaimed, grabbing the remote and turning the television to his favorite channel. He quickly discovered that he and Hans/Manicotti had the same favorite show: a cartoon about a magical talking aardvark wizard who happened to love pasta. Ludwig, seeing that everything had finally calmed down, went back into the kitchen to continue cleaning. But, as before, his cleaning was quickly interrupted by Feliciano.
"Germany! Germany! Look! I'm on TV!" Feliciano shouted excitedly. Ludwig rushed into the living room. A breaking news report had appeared on the television, with Feliciano's picture in the upper left hand corner of the screen. "They're calling me the Beilschmidt Park Babynapper," the Italian told Ludwig. "I guess that's a good name. All of the babies are nappin."
"Italy, that is not what it means. What it means is-"
"Hey look Germany! Your house is on TV too!"
"Authorities are now going to attempt to raid this house on Baumstrasse, where they believe the kidnapper is holding the children captive," the news reporter intoned as a shot of Ludwig's house surrounded by police cars came onto the screen. A few seconds later, a loud knocking started at the door.
"I'll get it!" Feliciano shouted, jumping off the sofa and bounding over to the door. He opened it to reveal a police officer flanked by five very angry-looking mothers. "Hello officer. Is there a problem?" the Italian asked. Before the officer could reply, one of the women interjected.
"That's him! That's the man that took my baby!"
"Get him!" another one shouted.
The five women rushed by the policeman, each of them hitting Italy very hard at least once before collecting their children. When the mothers were done punishing Feliciano in their own way for his crimes, the officer walked over and handcuffed him.
"You're under arrest for five counts of child abduction…"
Several hours later, Feliciano and Ludwig sat on a hard bench in the holding cell of the police station. Feliciano was chattering away about God-knows-what and Ludwig was starting to get a headache.
"I hope Japan gets here soon to bail us out," Ludwig said quietly, almost to himself.
"Hey Germany? I was wondering somethin. Why are you in jail too? You didn't borrow any babies to play with like I did."
Ludwig sighed. "I told you already, Italy. I am being charged with accessory to kidnapping."
Feliciano started to giggle. "Accessory? Why are they charging you with that? You don't know how to accessorize at all! If they're gonna charge anybody with accessories, it should be France! That man really knows how to dress!"
"That is not what accessory to a crime means!" Ludwig shouted. He had had just about enough foolishness for one day. "It means- you know what, never mind." He could feel his headache getting worse by the second.
Feliciano remained quiet for a few minutes, presumably thinking. An important thought entered his head (this happened once in a great while), and he broke the silence.
"You know what Germany? I've just made an important decision. I've decided that I really don't like babies all that much anymore."
"That," Ludwig said, "is a very wise decision."
THE END