OK, I have no idea where this crackfic came from other than I felt like writing something happy. Then I read some of the entries for the Breaking the Rules challenge on Heart of Camelot, and once I recovered, I decided I needed to contribute my own 'story' to it.

Warning for intentionally bad writing, although I still laugh every time I read it!

Enjoy? Or maybe not?

Thanks for daring to beta, LyricalSinger

Summary: Merlin helps out a fellow creature of magic.

Effervescent

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. It was the age of hope; it was the age of terror. It was the eon of happiness; it was the eon of dismay. It was the era of magic; it was the era of … of… not… of… something not magic...

Oh right, where was I?

It was the era of dragons; it was the era of … um … goats, yeah that's right, GOATS! It was the month of May; it was the… uh... month of… May?

Ok then.

Merlin was out in the meadows collecting herbs and flowers, and doing some tricks with his magic for fun for once, since he had a bit of free time for a change, which also let him look around for unicorns – small ones that would not make too much noise, since Arthur and the knights were not that far away and could come upon him at any time, and you remember how that ended the last time, right?

Anyway, lo and behold, he saw, not a unicorn (neither a small one, nor even a large one), but he saw a radiant goat. This goat was as radiant as really white teeth, you know the way teeth are right after you get home from the dentist after having had not only a clean but also a POLISH job? THAT'S how radiant!

The Radiant Goat said, "Hello Mmmmmerlin."

Merlin did not say anything, because he was simply too awestruck by the radiance.

"Mmmmmmmerlin, my nnnnname is Effervescent," (did you know that is a synonym for sparkling which is an awesomely good name for a radiant goat, don't you think? I looked it up on Google.)

"What kind of a goat are you?" Merlin asked, which was really quite rude; after all Effervescent hadn't ask Merlin what kind of human he was.

"I'mmmmm … the sparkly kind," said Effervescent, "What kind of hummmmman are you?" (Ok, I stand corrected.)

"I am …" Merlin quickly looked left and right and up and down… "the warlock kind," he whispered.

"I knew that already," said Effervescent, "that's why I appeared to you. After all, just because unicorns are big and beautiful and have those pointy horns, and flowy manes and pearly hooves, and things, and everybody lurves them doesn't mean they are the only sort of magical animals in the world that are not evil you know. Maaaaaaaah."

Merlin looked sheepish (…. or maybe it was goatish, I'm not really sure), and said "I'm sorry Effervescent, I never thought you were evil. Why did you appear to me?"

"I need your help, young warlock. You have a gr.." said the blindingly white goat trying to sound all mysterious-like.

"STOP!" yelled Merlin. "Don't you dare say I have a great destiny! I'm soooooooooooooo tired of hearing about that, you can't even imagine. It's Merlin, protect Arthur this; Merlin, you are half a coin or something stupid like that; Merlin save Camelot again..."

"I was GOING to say you have a GRANARY in Camelot, if you'd have let me finish," said Effervescent. "Maaaah."

"Oh, sorry, yes. We do have one," said Merlin. "Why? Is there some sort of magical grain in there that will be fruitful forever if planted and so there will be an end to starvation in the world? Or does it grow into some huge beanstock that reaches the sky and there's this giant and…" (oh sorry, wrong story...)

"Oh, that would be really, really, cool though," said Effervescent, "about the giant I mean, not about the solving the problem of world hunger. Or… or…. What if the grain could be planted and then spun into gold after it was harvested? Or... or… what if … we could harvest that grain and then heat it up in oil and when it got really hot it turned into these puffy yummy white pop-grains?"

"Or maybe we could use it and invent some sort of really yummy round pastry with a hole in the middle that you could put sprinkles on, or even CHOCOLATE," said Merlin enthusiastically, not wanting to be outdone by a goat, even if it was a magical one."

"Umm, or…. or…." stuttered Effervescent, who was apparently out of ideas. "Actually, it's none of those reasons, though I still do like the one about the giant."

"So, why do you need a warlock to help you in the granary?" asked Merlin the warlock. "Is there some sort of enchantment on it, one that only I, the great and powerful Mer…Emrys, can break, thus making the magic grain visible?

"Well, no, there's no enchantment," said Effervescent sheepi… I mean, goatishly. "And the grain actually isn't magical…"

"Oh, do you need my phenomenal skills in magic to unlock a magical lock then?" asked Merlin.

"No magic lock either," answered Effervescent, not looking Merlin in the eyes any more.

"No magic lock….I don't suppose you need my extreme finesse with magic to lift you to the exact right height to reach this non-magic grain. Something that only the most precise of sorcerers could do?" asked Merlin who was getting pretty disappointed when it seemed more and more unlikely that he would be getting a chance to show off his skills to this stupid glowy, goat.

"Nada," said Effervescent. "Um… the real reason is that you are the only one who can see me and that I can talk to, and I'm just a small goat, and I can't open the door by myself. I don't have arms, okay?"

Merlin crossed his arms angrily, "And what do you intend to do if I let you at Camelot's grain, anyway?" he asked.

"I just need a little bit, because the gruff billy goat that lives under the bridge yonder is a real bully billy, and he wanted pizza, but he's lactose intolerant and he is just unbearable when he eats that, so I finally managed to get him to agree that some fresh grain would be just as tasty, so…."

"Oh, well why didn't you just SAY so," answered Merlin. "I HATE bully billys, ... I hate ANY type of bully, even the Prince-y kind, so I would have helped you straight off."

"Mmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaah," mmaahed the goat happily. "Let's go then."

And so off they skipped, side by side, and the billygoat gruff got his pizza, I mean his lactose free pizza-substitute, and they lived happily ever after for a few days at least, until Merlin had to face the next magical threat, and the billygoat gruff found that he was also gluten intolerant and butted Effervescent right into the creek, where he didn't die because I'd never kill a GOAT (or even Merlin, see Vaughntronic?) but he did get out of the water all soggy and moved to Ireland.

The End