A/N: I wanted to write something for Anna (AKA classof7teen, AKA diveragentblye) for her birthday. I know it's not until next month, but this story just came out of my brain and wouldn't stop. Happy early Birthday, Anna! I love being a part of this fandom and it's because of people like you :)

"Kensi... Hi... This is a nice surprise. Come in."

"Thanks. I'm not bothering you, am I?"

"No. It's fine."

Deeks shut his door once she was inside and they stood in awkward silence for a few seconds.

"Can I get you something? A beer?"

"Sure."

Deeks retrieved two beers from his refrigerator and they sat on his couch. Deeks rambled about the new microbrewery he found while she drank in silence.

It had been awhile since they last did this together. Since before she left.

After they returned from Afghanistan, things were not the same. On the plane, she clung to him the entire way home. But once they arrived in LA, the familiar walls that she spent years building around her started to come back up. She was distant. She declined his offer of help, of company. Weeks went by without seeing her, except at OSP.

He had been so afraid that she would shut him out, just like he did to her all those months before. As he saw it happening, he couldn't help but feel hurt, but he also understood. He remembered the look on her face when he said he had to get away from everything. All those phone calls and text messages she sent him after he had been rescued, the isolation he put himself through. And now it seemed she was doing the same thing to him.

She was alive and well and he was so relieved, but he felt like he had lost her again, just in a different way. Is this what she went through every time he sent her call to voicemail? Is this the disappointment she endured with every text that went unanswered? In the end, she forced herself back into his world and he wondered why he did that to himself, why he did that to her.

He understood... but it still hurt.

Now, here she was, on his couch, just like old times. But it wasn't really, because a lot had changed between them. He knew she wasn't really listening to his not-so serious plans about starting to brew his own beer. He decided to get right to the point.

"Um... don't take this the wrong way, but I'm just wondering..."

"Why I'm here?"

"Yeah. I haven't seen much of you in the last few weeks."

"I'm trying to figure some things out."

"You know, I want to give you space if that's what you need, but I want you to know that I'm here for you, for anything."

She nodded. "Everything is such a mess."

"I know. I understand."

She sat in silence. He could see the battle going on inside of her.

"Kens... you can tell me anything. I want you to know that you can be honest with me. I realize it's not easy for you to talk about certain things, but you can trust me. If you need to let something out... I can handle it."

Years ago, she told him that he was the only person she trusted. Despite the storm and uncertainty raging inside of her, she believed it now more than ever.

"I'm afraid... if I let you see what's going on in my mind, that you'll go running for the hills."

"I would never do that."

As he said it, she knew without a doubt that it was the truth. Her fear of people leaving was based in real experiences, but there was one person who would always stay by her, always come after her when she needed him. As long as he had life in him, he would always be there.

"I'm angry." She could feel the dam breaking. She started to let it out and now there was no stopping it. "I'm angry at Hetty for keeping information about Jack from me. I'm angry at Jack for leaving me and moving on with someone else. I'm angry at his dead wife for getting the life with him that I wanted. For giving him the child I wanted to give him. I'm angry at myself for getting into trouble that I couldn't get out of. I'm angry at you for shutting me out after you were rescued. I'm angry at myself for shutting you out after we got back. I'm angry at you for not forcing me to talk to you sooner than I wanted to. I'm angry at Sam for trying to force me to talk sooner than I wanted to. I'm angry at Nell for getting to be your partner even after I was back. I'm angry that I'm not making any sense and that you are seeing and hearing how crazy I am right now!"

Her face was flush and she was breathing heavily. He could see a fire in her eyes. He understood everything she was saying. He related to every word she spoke. He searched for the right words to make everything okay, but those words just didn't exist. There was no quick fix to her struggle. So he went out on a limb and tried something that felt familiar.

He tried to make her laugh.

"So... I think what you're saying is... you're angry?" The corners of his mouth turned up slightly as he braced for the possible impact of her fury.

She stared at him, her jaw open in disbelief. Then he saw her face go from incredulous to annoyed... and then finally a reluctant smile.

"You're an idiot, you know that, right?" She could no longer suppress the chuckle rising in her voice.

"Yes, I do. You know... I've missed hearing you laugh."

"I've missed you making me laugh."

Deeks reached over and touched her arm. "You have to know that what you're feeling, what you're going through... you don't have to feel ashamed of it or try to hide it from me."

"Deeks..."

"What is it? You can tell me."

"When I saw Jack... when I saw him face to face... something in me just broke. I felt like I was 22 again. I felt like it was Christmas morning and it was just dawning on me that he was gone. I panicked. And in that moment in the cave, I hated him and loved him all at the same time."

"Can I ask you something... something that I'm kind of scared of knowing the answer to?"

She nodded.

"Are you over him?"

"If you had asked me that question six months ago I would have said absolutely yes."

"And now?"

"Now?" She took in a deep breath and let it out. "Now, I think so. I was so shocked to see him. Actually, shocked doesn't even seem like an adequate word. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I was right back to where I was and I realized that I never really let myself let him go. I never let myself grieve losing him and the life I wanted with him. And it hurt. It hurt like it did nine years ago."

Deeks moved his hand down her arm and interlaced his fingers with her.

She continued. "He told me he wasn't the man he once was. And now, I have to admit that I'm not the same either. I'm not the same woman who said yes all those years ago. But realizing that I never really let him go and that I needed to... that hurt a lot. And I needed time after coming home to let myself do that. Let myself let go of him."

"I'm sorry it was so hard for you... being there was hard on both of us. I was so scared that we wouldn't find you in time. I was so desperate... I crossed a line that I swore I'd never cross and I felt so ashamed."

Kensi saw the pain in his eyes. She knew what he had done in order to get information on her whereabouts. She knew the darkness that almost took him over.

"But you stopped. You knew that wasn't you and you stopped."

"Yeah, but I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for going that far. I was trying to find you and I almost lost myself in the process."

"I hope you'll find a way to forgive yourself."

"I hope so, too."

"Deeks... I'm sorry that I made myself so scarce after we got back. I made a promise to you that I haven't kept. We haven't talked or figured anything out."

"Yeah, and you didn't burn that shirt either."

"Deeks..." She sounded annoyed, but he saw a hint of a smile that let him know she appreciated him.

"Kensi, listen. I believed you when you made that promise. I was just trying to give you time. After all you'd been through... I didn't want to immediately throw my issues... our issues at you. But I believed you would talk when you were ready. Although, I may have been a little nervous that we'd be in a nursing home by the time you were ready."

She smiled. "You've been so patient with me."

"Maybe too patient if you're mad at me for not forcing you to talk to me."

Kensi laughed and then covered her face with her hands. "I'm so mixed up. Why do you put up with me?"

He gently held her wrists and pushed her hands down. Kensi felt warmth rising in her face and she held his intense gaze.

"Because I'm mixed up, too. And because you are the best thing in my life."

Her heart soared at hearing these words from him. She smiled. "Should I feel sorry for you then?"

"Hey, isn't using humor to avoid real human emotions my thing?"

"Oh, yes, because you're so hilarious."

"Now, listen, you're trying to sound sarcastic and hurtful, but I know better. My sense of humor is one of your favorite things about me."

"Really? You think so?"

"I know so."

She smiled and shook her head. "I'm sorry I haven't kept my promise."

"It's not too late. And I'm sorry I didn't come to your door with bad take-out food and a scary movie."

"We're a mess, aren't we?"

"Yes, we are. But we'll figure it out."

"You know, when I was... when they held me captive... I remembered what you said about me and how I was the only thing that got you through. I kept thinking that I had to make it home alive. I had to get out of there... because I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing you again."

"And you made it home."

"Thanks to you."

He lifted his hand and brushed her hair out of her face. "You look tired."

"I am."

"Come here."

He gathered her in his arms and leaned back, taking her with him. They settled on the couch together, his arms around her, her head resting securely on his shoulder, her hand over his heart.

"We still have a lot to talk about."

"Are you trying to scare me?"

He chuckled. "Bad Ass Kensi Blye can survive anything, just don't make her talk about her feelings."

She looked up at him. Then she leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I'll do it for you. Anything for you."