It was 1:22 am, and I lay on my bed just staring at the white ceiling above me. did I really make the right choice? I thought as memories of Edward came flashing in my head. Memories of when he told me he didn't want to live in a world where I didn't exist, the time he proposed to me, the many times he saved me, those kisses that made me faint. I was losing consciousness just thinking about them. Was this really the right path to go? In a way, I wanted to think about them, not caring if those memories or thoughts made me cry, this was the only time that I could cry, the only time when I was truly alone. I loved Jacob, and I didn't want to be without him, it's true, I was in love with him and I don't ever regret that feeling. But just going back to those times and remembering everything that I put Edward through. From the first glance he set on me, refusing to hurt me, to the many times he rescued me from the Volturi, Victoria, and James. But I guess I should give Jacob some credit too, I wouldn't be here if his pack hadn't rescued me from Laurent. As tears came streaming down from my eyes to my cheeks, I didn't bother wiping them away, I just let them drop down and stain my shirt as I closed my eyes and drifted into my dream.
The next
morning, I woke up in a really bad mood to the sound of the
doorbell. I couldn't remember my dream that last night, but it felt
like it was a nightmare. As usual, I put on a smile and headed
downstairs to get the door. A natural smile struck my face when I
opened the door. It was Jacob holding a bouquet of red roses. He gave
me the sweetest look, one that you'd see a man give the love of his
life in a romance film. I had butterflies in my stomach, and just
when I was about to greet him, he bent down and kissed me softly. It
was very gentle and sweet. To any other girl, Jacob would be the
perfect guy. And he was perfect to me too, but it felt like there was
a part of me he couldn't reach. Jacob knew about my feeling for
Edward, and every time Charlie or one of the Quileutes mentioned his
name accidentally, I could see that it hurt him even more than it
hurt me, and it killed me to see that look on his face, it looked
like he was in pain, and every time that happened he was
automatically pulling himself closer to me like he was afraid of
losing me.
"Hey, Bells" He said as he pulled away from the
kiss.
"Hey, Jake…" I said back still smiling. When Jake
kissed me, it felt like the first time I'd kissed him -- or
according to him-- when he said that I had to tell him to kiss me to
keep him around. That's when I realized I was in love with him.
Remembering that brought back the thought of Edward telling me it was
okay to have feelings for Jacob and I could have any part of him I
wanted as long as I was happy. That memory brought tears in my eyes
that I didn't notice till Jacob's face was suddenly a Blur.
"Bella, what's wrong?" he said as he put my face in between
his big hands "are you okay?"
I felt so guilty about
how I was feeling even though I couldn't control it or do anything
about it. Here he was, someone I loved who loved me back, someone who
could protect me from danger, someone who would never stop fighting
for me no matter what. So why couldn't I get Edward out of my head?
"It's him again, isn't it?" He asked with his eyes
narrowed and his eyebrows bending in together to form that look that
hurt me to look at.
I didn't answer, and I expected him to be
mad, or disappointed, or call him a bloodsucker or.. Something.
Instead he just put his arms around my waist and pulled me in tightly
against his chest. That just made the tears race down even faster. I
didn't deserve either of them, how could they both have been so
nice to me?
As we pulled away from the hug, Jacob looked deeply
into my eyes like he was trying to read my mind. Then he smiled and
kissed my forehead.
"Look, Bella…" he started off not
knowing how to put the words together, as if he wasn't sure he
should say what he was about to. "You know that I'm madly in love
you right," he continued. "But you don't have any clue what it
does to me seeing you like this and knowing that your still in love
with him." His voice was getting louder now.
"No,
Jake…" I was starting to object when he cut me off
"Bella, I
thought that if I kept fighting, I would win you someday…" His
voice was fading and turning into a whisper now. "I just didn't
think of that huge whole he would put in your heart, I guess I
just.." I could barely hear him now, and suddenly, his voice went
back to normal but in a disappointed tone. "thought I could fill
that in." His head hung down as he said that last part. I could
almost see the pain through his eyes.
"Look, as much as it
kills me seeing that bloodsucker, it hurts even more seeing you like
this" He continued as he lifted his head up to look straight into
my eyes. "Maybe we should just…" The words were hard for him to
say. "go visit him" It sounded more like a question.
"Jake!"
I yelled not realizing how loud my voice was.
"It'll be the
perfect way to see who's right for you, and if you honestly pick
me, then you wont feel like this anymore, and if you pick him," he
waited for the moment finding the right words. "Then I'll just be
happy that your happy" he said with a slight smile.
"No,
Jake, it'll be weird dropping in on him, believe me, it's a
pretty bad idea" I said trying to read his expression
"We'll
just go visit, if it is 'weird'" He paused to put air quotes on
weird . "Then we'll just go back and pretend nothing happened"
It seemed like he was exited about it.
Was it just me, or did he
want me to go back to Edward?
"Jake, do you want me to be
with Edward?" I asked in a confused tone
"Oh yes,
definitely!" He answered in a sarcastic tone with that smile I
loved. "Come on, Bells, you know that's not true" He
continued
"Then why do you want me to go see Edward?" I was
surprised at how calm I sounded. "Do you want me to get back
together with him, or do you just want to hurt me even more?" I
lost the calmness in my voice, now it was just pure anger. "You
know what it'll do to me when I see him and then have to leave!"
With all that anger, I didn't even realize who I was talking to. I
just saw that hurt look on Jacob's face and shook my head in
disappointment at myself. I knew how hard it was for Jacob to
hear about how I still felt about Edward, and I knew he was just
trying to help me. "Jake…" I started still shaking my head
slowly. "I'm really sorry…". But Jacob just stood still
with that same look still on his face. It was silent for a
moment and I couldn't stand it.
"I know it's going to be
hard for you, but do you really think it would be worst than
how you're feeling right now?" he broke the silence and I was
glad to hear his voice knowing he wasn't too mad at me.
I
Shrugged, which to him was an 'okay' and he just smiled and
pressed his lips gently to mine.