Never Can Say Goodbye
Author's Note: Because I am a sad Spemily shipper, and the lack of Spemily recently has given me way too many angsty feels, I have produced this… I apologize. Know beforehand that it is NOT fluffy (maybe a little) and that there is no solid happy ending. Hopefully this is better than the void left from watching 6x10.
All mistakes are my own (I wrote this in one go in the middle of the night, don't judge me).
Disclaimer: I have no claim on Pretty Little Liars or its characters, if I did 6x10 would have been a 2 hour special and Spemily would exist in canon.
For some reason I couldn't get the idea of saying goodbye to Emily out of my head.
We had planned it so that we would all leave the same day to head to our respective universities, meeting up at Ali's house before driving off into the sunset. We had even had one last sleepover the night before, all five of us together under one roof, just like old times. And it felt like it might be enough, at least for a while.
At least, it felt like it would be enough for most of us. Somehow, there could never be enough time for me to say goodbye to Emily Fields, and I knew it was way too late in the game to begin analyzing why.
Instead, I decided that I would make more time for us, let the chips fall where they may.
So, I rushed through the little that remained of my packing, locked everything up in my car, and walked across the street to Emily's. Pam Fields met me at the door on her way out, looking a little worse for wear and leading me to assume that I arrived just as an intense mother/daughter goodbye ended. Still, Mrs. Fields was ever the impeccable hostess, offering me the entire contents of her kitchen before I could convince her I was quite alright in the food and beverage department.
In the end, she pointed me up the stairs and assured me Emily would be happy I came over to see her before we left.
A part of me wondered if that would still be true when I left.
"Knock knock," I muttered nervously as I gently pushed my best friend's bedroom door open, hoping I wouldn't find Emily in the same distressing state in which I had happened upon her mother.
"Spence, hey! I thought we weren't meeting up until later? At Ali's?" Emily questioned, that look of confusion that had always simultaneously irked, concerned and melted me taking up residence on her teary face.
I smiled softly and pretended to look around at the few bags she had left to carry down to her car while she tried to covertly wipe away her tears.
"I was feeling really nostalgic and I couldn't bear the idea of the last time we talked to each other in person for a long while being clouded by other people," I admitted, feeling a little embarrassed at how intimate my statement sounded ringing in my own ears.
"Awe, that's really sweet, Spence," Em cooed as she broke out into an adorable grin. She motioned for me to sit with her on the bed before continuing. "I was actually thinking about you too, before my mom came in and hit me like an emotional steam engine."
The grin came to my face unbidden, and I ducked my head to try to hide how ridiculously huge it was. Something was different about our interactions as we sat in Emily's room that afternoon; something had been dredged up from a time before A, a time before lies and secrets and pains.
"Anything specific about me? Or just generally acknowledging my awesomeness?" I asked to erase the silence, going for a cocky, self-assured joke and failing miserably.
Somehow it was not the time for jokes.
Emily took my hand in hers, and my fingers tingled slightly. It was an odd sensation, and I found myself not wanting it to end. I felt guilty about feeling that way. I felt guilty that I was beginning to understand why, and yet I still wasn't pulling away.
"Do you remember, that year after Ali disappeared, when you would just randomly show up at my house? No call, no nothing, just walked right in like you owned the place and demand my attention because you were done studying for the day and wanted to do something fun?" Em inquired softly, smiling at the memory, a twinkle in her eye that I hadn't seen in some time.
"Of course I remember that, I did it for almost that entire year straight. It started the week after Aria and her family left for Iceland, the same week Hanna ditched us for Mona. You barely left your house, and I struggled without seeing you on a daily basis, so I made it my mission to be around you as much as possible. Sorry if it seemed weird or creepy, I just didn't want you to feel alone," I explained, feeling more and more self conscious as I spoke, never having really analyzed just how much I had imposed myself on Emily during that time.
Em smacked my shoulder hard before pulling me into a fierce hug, and I could feel her tears start up again.
I hated it when she cried.
"Don't you ever apologize for what you did for me that summer, Spencer Hastings," she scolded, hugging me tighter to her. "I honestly don't know what would have happened to me if you hadn't been there to pick up the pieces, to tell me I was strong and that I would get through. To this day, I really don't know what I would do without you in my life, and I'm so scared to find out."
Of course, as soon as those words escaped her mouth, I was crying as well.
"You listen to me, Emily Fields," I ordered, leaning back and lifting her chin so her gaze met my own. "No matter how far apart we are, no matter how long we go without talking, no matter what is happening in our respective lives, I am telling you right now that you will NEVER lose me. Part of my heart will always be in your keeping, and I will always come when you call for me. We will never lose that; you will never truly be without me unless you ask for it to be so. Our hearts are old friends, my dear, as Hafiz would say, and they will be tied together until either you or time sever the string. I threw my own scissors away long ago."
Emily brought our foreheads to meet as a fresh batch of tears rolled down her cheeks and I wanted nothing more than to kiss her, but I knew I couldn't. Our lives had lead us to other people, to other places, and I could feel in my bones that this was not our time and place. Still, I couldn't help the brush of my lips against her cheek, or the sigh that escaped as I realized how much I wanted our time and place to hurry their asses up.
"I love you, Spence. You know that, right? You know that I would fight and die to make you happy? To make you safe?" Em questioned desperately, her own eyes roaming over my lips before she forced herself backwards and away from me.
"I do. And you know that I love you, more than life really. So much that I would give up everything, move heaven and earth to see you smile. To protect you. To help you achieve your dreams."
"I do," Em echoed quietly.
We both skimmed over the topics that sat heavily between us in that moment. There was no mention of Toby, of our togetherness or his friendship with Emily. Neither one of us opened the topic of Emily and Ali's unresolved feelings for each other. The fact that we had literally faced down a serial killer together, that we could do anything together, was tacitly understood, but dwarfed by the realization that now was the time we had to move into the future apart.
My heart felt constricted, chained up to a destiny that I didn't want to face, but I knew stood before me regardless.
Knowing I couldn't say anything else without dissolving into a complete and total mess, I rose from Emily's bed and walked toward her door. We would text and call, but it would never be the same again. Our world was splitting into two, and my heart could relate.
My feet stopped moving when I heard her quiet voice behind me.
"Why did you stop?" She inquired in a whisper, unsure of herself as she spoke.
"Stop what?" I asked, knowing exactly what she was referring to, but needing her to say it out loud, to make it real.
"Why did you stop showing up at my door unannounced, acting as though seeing me was the most important part of your day?"
Her voice was small, strained, and I knew she was crying again. I couldn't turn around because I knew if I did I would never be able to leave.
"I was terrified that if I kept getting so close, A would realize what you meant to me, what we meant to each other. My greatest fear was that they would use us against each other, and I couldn't let that happen, I couldn't take the risk. I couldn't let A know how much I loved you, because I knew they would use it to destroy you, and I preferred to rip my own heart out rather than risk yours."
There was a loud sob from behind me, and I couldn't take it anymore, I fled down the hallway, Emily's voice not reaching me until I was halfway down the stairs.
"You already had my heart, Spencer. It was ripped out alongside yours."
Her words chased me out of the house, swirling around in my head for years after, floating through the empty space in my chest where my heart was meant to be.
So Emily took what was left of my heart to Pepperdine, and I carried her with me to Georgetown. We chatted, but we never really talked, our conversations becoming sporadic at best. We got to a point where we barely even knew each other anymore.
Still, there was a quiet thump thump that made the air around me buzz in muted anticipation, and I knew the time that my heart would return would come some day, and maybe getting to know that heart all over again would be the best part of our tragedy. Maybe it wouldn't be a tragedy at all.