Disclaimer: We, Bex and Vee, the authors, own nothing other than our insanely hilarious Mary-Sues and perhaps a few Chocolate Cockroach Cluster Sundaes. It's all JKR's (except for the lovely Destiny du Maurier, who belongs to the awesome drama-princess), and we're deliberately poking fun at it. It just seems to us that there's a lot of these silly characters going around. No seriousness intended on our parts.
Harry Potter and the Attack of the Mary Sues
Chapter One
It was 1996, and everyone in the wizarding world seemed to have forgotten that there was a war going on. Instead, they passed their time by watching Muggle soap operas and eating chocolate ice cream, topped with Cockroach Clusters, which had been found to be excellent sources of protein.
Students poured into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry by the gross, their parents obviously forgetting that there were at least two other wizarding schools in the world. Among these students was an astounding amount of busty young women from all over the globe, a vast majority of them belonging to Slytherin.
That year, when the Hat sorted the first years and the myriad new exchange students, it even exclaimed, "Great Merlin's Ghost! If I have to sit on another girl's head and yell Slytherin, I may well burst at my seams!"
Unfortunately for Professor McGonagall, and for the Hat, it did just that.
When "Romanovna, Olga!" was called, and a tall, willowy girl came to sit on the stool, and the Sorting Hat placed a top her pile of raven curls, it was forced to cry, grudingly, "Slytherin, damnit!" The girl sneered triumphantly, as was expected of any good Slytherin girl, and stood. The Hat disassembled itself and fell about her feet.
Snorting haughtily in an action quite familiar to that of a certain Potions professor, she slinked from the platform to the table where all her cunning Slytherin fellows resided.
"Hi!" she was greeted by the perky accent of "Mochrie, Michelle," who had been sorted just minutes before her. The girl was blonde and chipper, two things that Olga hated most in anyone. She prayed that someone would come and sit between them.
And, as if someone other than the authors could hear her thoughts, a pointy-nosed blonde boy pushed Michelle aside and sat next to Olga. "Hello there," he greeted in his all-too-silky-to-be-real voice. "I'm Draco Malfoy." He looked simply enamoured by her.
"Hello," Olga replied simply, not even looking at him. Her eyes were fixed on someone at the staff table. Whoever that man was... that twistedly handsome fellow with the black hair and eyes. Well, he was all she was going to be interested in. This Malfoy prat could go to Hell, for all she cared.
When Olga did not respond to any of his other various attempts to strike up conversation, Draco turned to the girl on his other side. "Hello there," he said to her, repeating his seductively suave tone, "I'm Draco Malfoy." He smiled and ran a hand through his platinum hair, looking about as fascinating as a male model.
"Hi!" Michelle repeated again, tossing her own naturally silky blonde hair about behind her. "I'm Michelle Mochrie. You can call me Mishy!" She beamed brightly, showing off her perfectly straight white teeth. "You're sexy, eh?" She batted her eyelashes prettily.
"Why, yes, I am." Draco had cocked his head to one side, and was proceeding to make strange facial expressions with his eyebrows. His head swivelled ridiculously, but Michelle did not seem to notice. She was laboring over the meaning of his eyebrows.
"You... want to meet me in the Astronomy tower at aboot nine, eh?" the blonde tossed her hair about a few more times.
"Yes!" Draco exclaimed, delighted that someone finally discovered the meaning behind his mysteriously rising and falling eyebrows, that never seemed to quite match the rest of his hair. He grinned devilishly, winking at Michelle, and leaving her with a swift, sloppy snog on the mouth.
A girl with black bobbed hair and a a squashy dog-like face came tromping up to Michelle and Olga. "You birds think you're going to steal my man, eh? Well... eat slugs!" She cried the inevitably cliche curse, just as she relaized her first sentence made her sound Candadian, like Michelle. She growled in spite of herself, and stormed away, before the curse even took effect.
Olga's eyes met Michelle's. She cocked an eyebrow questioningly. "You stole her man? Just now?" The comment was not meant to seem insulting, so Michelle, somehow knowing this, did not take it as such.
"Er... yeah?" the blonde replied. She knew this, not by her keen observation skills, but by some Higher Knowledge that the author had given her. She was also surprised to find out that she knew the dog-faced girl was named Pansy Parkinson, and that she had had a crush on Draco for several years before. The Canadian shrugged, and smiled dumbly, in her annoyingly perfect way.
"Oh." The raven-haired Russian girl turned back to gaze at the dark man who sat at the staff table, only to notice he was gone. She swiveled about, in hopes of finding him again.
A voice spoke from behind her, "I suppose you were looking for me, then?" Without moving, she seemed to know her answer. She felt him lay a hand on her shoulder, and shivered at his touch. It was rather interesting, she thought, that he seemed to know what she was thinking. It was probably all part of his sexy and mysterious plan to seduce her. Of course it couldn't be those stupid authors letting him in on her secrets.
No one even seemed to notice that the author forgot to write in the beginning of the feast, as their plates lay empty and Dumbledore remained suspiciously silent. The only teacher, other than the sexy one, who moved was Professor McGonagall, who was too busy fretting over the state of the Sorting Hat to notice much else.
"Come with me," whispered the sexy professor, lips brushing against Olga's ear. She gladly obeyed, suddenly wondering why she had been written in as a seventh year student, instead of the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. But, when she bumped into Destiny du Maurier on the way out of the Great Hall, she suddenly understood why. There would be a bigger scandal this way.
Destiny, who was suddenly known to all as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, as well as an amazing romance novelist, blocked the door. "Severus!" she hissed at the sexy professor, "How dare you betray me with this young strumpet? I would have given you every mortal pleasure you could have hoped for, and we could even have shared in the iridescent wisps of mystery and joy that are reserved for the gods alone!" Her dark eyes narrowed dramatically, and she peered contemptuously at Olga. "And you, oily trollop, will pay for your lover's folly with something more valuable than your life!"
With those words, she stalked off, leaving Olga with several questions. "Girlfriend?" she inquired of Severus, whose statistics she still did not know. Damnit! she thought, why does the Canadian get omniscience and not I?
The professor shook his head, cringing at the thought.
Shrugging, Olga laid a hand on the professor's arm. And suddenly, it came to her. He was Severus Snape, over twice her age, the Head of Slytherin House, Potions Master, and astoundingly good in bed. Grinning slyly, she nodded down the corridor, towards what she knew to be the direction of Snape's rooms, and asked, "Shall we?"