Disclaimer: I do not own any recognizable characters, plots, or settings.
Eye of the Beholder
He carries a mental list of the people who have hurt him. Wronged him in some insurmountable way that cannot be forgiven. He keeps a special tally on the ones that deserve his immediate attention. He decides if they will get mercy or wrath, heaven or hell. He likes that he holds that kind of power over them. It makes him feel big. Unyielding. Like the teenager that taunted him as he watched his brother drown, screaming his name.
It's like a primal need surging inside of him, flaring in his gut like a fiery ulcer. Wanting desperately to inflict the same pain that was inflicted on him. Dish out even more than was given to him. He wants to see the terror reflected in their eyes. Hear them. Beg. Plead. And know deep down that they will not be saved.
He thinks that he's just getting even. An eye for an eye. A limb for a limb. Or maybe. Maybe he just really wants someone to pay. He wants revenge. Justification. Retribution for everything he was put through.
Some, their punishment is death. They are rotten. Too bad to breathe fresh air. He burns his parents alive. He thinks it's fitting. They suffocated him. So, he suffocated them. It was only fair that he return the favor.
He plans something special for the brother that made his life a living hell. A quick death is almost too easy. So he settles for making him admit to every terrible thing that he has ever done. He acts all high and mighty, like a great judge. Except, there is no jury to argue his brother's innocence. There is only him. The weak, pathetic brother. Now, he is judge, jury, and executioner.
He plays with him a little bit. Backs off, makes him think all is forgiven. Only water under the bridge. Not like his life was ruined or a monster was created. He waits until his back is turned. His shoulders sag and he seems relieved. No more crazy, psychotic brother out to kill him. Crisis averted. Or so he thinks.
He drags him back to the well, kicking and screaming. No one can hear him. Just as no one heard all those years ago. There is no one to help him and he knows it. Accepts it by the grim look in his eyes. He tells him to take it like a man. But he doesn't. There are tears and begging. It sickens him to the core.
The satisfaction is gone. Only bitter rage remains. He is done playing games. He puts the gun to his head. Makes him look at him straight in the eyes. He wants his brother to know that there is no regret. No love left. There never was. He pulls the trigger. Sees the light leave his eyes. It doesn't make him feel the way he thought it would. There is no guilt, but there is also no relief. So, he moves down his list, needing to find his closure.
He tells himself that he'll stop when he finds his closure and crosses everyone off his list. He'll stop the cycle his parents started him on. He can be good, if he tries hard. Forgets everything Christian taught him. Everything Garrett taught him. He can take down Hydra and win back Skye. He can and he will. He doesn't deserve forgiveness, but she'll see the true him. She will. She'll see that he can be saved.
He hunts down Bakshi. He wraps him up like a present and sends him right to S.H.I.E.L.D's doorstep. A sign that he hopes screams ally. See him. Please. See him. He only wants to help. That's all he's ever really wanted to do. Help Coulson. Help Skye. Help S.H.I.E.L.D. He hopes they'll take him back despite what he's done. It is unforgivable. Killing Hand. Killing Koenig. Hurtling Fitz-Simmons into the ocean.
He doesn't feel bad about Hand or Koenig. Can't bring himself to even fake caring about them, but Fitz-Simmons are different. True friends who never hurt him. They had treated him better than anyone he'd ever met. Good people. Innocent. Innocence that he'd taken from them. Just like it was taken from him. But it shouldn't have gone down like that. He can't get past the fact that their punishment wasn't deserved. Young. Too young.
He insists every day to himself that he gave them a chance to survive. He could have killed them and he didn't. Mercy at its finest. He wonders why they aren't more grateful. Garrett ordered him to kill them. He didn't. He gave them a fighting chance. To him that means something. It means everything.
He thinks May might become problematic. She could prove the most difficult to win over. Not that he cares what she thinks. Not that he ever did. She doesn't have a right to judge. They are not that different. They have both killed without remorse in the name of something they truly believed in. She should understand, but he knows she won't. There will be no mercy from her. Even after he let her win. He knows if given the chance she'll put two bullets in his head. It's why he needs Skye.
Skye is the key. He thinks that she always has been. She is the key to everything. With her, he gets Coulson, May, and the whole damn world. He just has to get her see him. The real him. Not the liar, the faker, the murderer, the psycho. He is so much more than that. He is so much more than the monster that his family and Garrett made him out to be.
With her he is capable of being more. She needs to understand all that he would do for her. That everything he now does is for her. Everything he will ever do in the future will be for her. His soul calls for her. His heart beats for her. His body aches for her. He loves her more than he has ever loved someone before in his life. It makes him weak. It makes him strong.
He has some ideas on how to get her back. He knows she wants to meet her father. He has connections. Knows people who might know a way to him. He knows the way to Skye's heart is her family. There couldn't be anything more important than reuniting her with her father. She wants the door to her past and he wants nothing more than to open it for her.
He thinks with certainty that if he brings her to her father, she'll take him back. She'll finally see that all he wants to do is help her. Protect her. Take care of her. He messed up before when he didn't protect her from Quinn and Garrett, but he swears that he won't make that mistake again. No one will ever hurt her again as long as he is breathing.
His plan involves working with Hydra, but he does what he has to for her. It is all for her after all. He does whatever he has to in order to get her alone and to her father. She's more beautiful than he remembers. Stronger, bolder in a way that makes him love her more.
A part of him hopes that her father will convince her to leave S.H.I.E.L.D. altogether. It would definitely take care of his Melinda May problem. He knows it will double his chances of being with her. Her father will tell her that all this was his idea. Give him all the credit and she'll see. She will see him.
It doesn't happen that way. He is stupid for thinking that it would be that easy. He's tricked by the warm, softness of her brown eyes that he doesn't notice the raging hatred beneath. It's how he misses her behavior entirely. Doesn't even bother turning around until the coast is clear and he's turning back for her.
All of it takes him by surprise. Even if it shouldn't. The raising of the gun that she didn't have a second before. The set of her jaw. The coldness in her eyes. The squeeze of the trigger in four quick successions. The pain is instantaneous and unbearable, sprouting from collarbone to stomach. It licks at him like a hungry, raging fire.
His eyes are wide. Unbelievably shocked. He's staring at her, mouth slack. He tries to say her name. Ask why in the world would she shoot him. She wasn't supposed to shoot him. She was supposed to see him. Accept him. Love him. She was supposed to give him life, not take it away. He did this all for her. He was only trying to make her see.
He slumps against the wall, his hands going to the wounds she'd inflicted. He knows that he deserves to die, but he never thought it would be at the hands of her. He thought he got her to see the truth.
As far as rejections from women go, he doesn't think that one has ever shot him before. He thinks back to his list. The list of people who have hurt him. He wonders if she should rightfully join that list. She did shoot him. After everything he had done for her. But he can't. She doesn't deserve to be on the list. She is still too good. For him. For the world.
He does think that she could have found a better way to get her point across. A better way than practically unloading half a clip in his chest. He thinks that he gets it though. She can't forgive him. Just as he couldn't forgive his parents. But unlike his parents he'd made an effort to fix things. She'd thrown his amends right back in his face. He supposes then that this will be his punishment. Bleeding out on the dirty floor of an abandoned building.
Knowing she doesn't love him hurts more than dying does though. Knowing that everything he did was for not. He never stood a chance in getting her back. He lost her the moment he threw part of her family out of a plane at 30,000 ft. He tried to be good for her and it wasn't enough. She was never going to see him. Not the way he wanted her to. She was never going to see the man behind the monster. The beauty beneath the disaster.
His hazy vision manages to catch her walking away from him forever. Before his world fades to black. Where Skye is gone and he is alone. No one can see him now.
…
End
Author's Note: This is just me having a little fun with Ward and his possible thoughts throughout the first half of season 2. Sorry if anything about this is confusing. I quite like crazy, lovesick Ward and his equally insane thoughts. The tragedy that is SkyeWard.