Tell me if you hear my heart stop,
You're the only one that knows.
He's using me and I can't help but feel okay with it. Of course he's using me. I knew it all along, from the moment we started hanging out. And I'm okay! I'm fine! More than that, I'm ecstatic. That's why I'm crying. They're tears of happiness. People don't see that of course. They think that he doesn't like me. But he does! Why doesn't anyone see that? Eli Goldsworthy likes me. He proved it yesterday.
He held me in his arm so close. Our body heat mingled, creating a fire that burned inside me. I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven. Surely that's what heaven must be like, being so content in the arms of the one I want.
He kissed me like there was no tomorrow. Our lips would meet and I could almost see sparks on the insides of my eyelids. But then he whispered a word against my lips, his intoxicating breath on my face. One word made those sparks die down.
"Clare."
He said it so lovingly I imagined he said 'Imogen' instead. I imagined that he was really there with me emotionally. That in his twisted little head I wasn't Clare. He probably photoshopped Clare's face onto mine. He thought I was that manipulative girl who broke his heart. But I'm Imogen, the girl who's fixing him!
"Oh, Clare, you're so amazing."
His words haunt me. They break me and tear me apart and make me feel like I'm falling into a deep hole of nothing. I can still taste his lips on mine and his strong hands on my skin. I can feel his eyes on me, poking and probing to find something that's not there.
"Fuck, I love you so much."
He loves me and only me! That's why he said it. He wants me with him. Yes, he does. And Clare? She's in the past. A distant memory that only brought him down instead of letting his creativity shine.
I hear my phone ring somewhere on the other side of the room. I don't want to leave the comfort of my bed but it might be Eli. I hop out of bed urgently and cross my blue room. On the dresser, my phone vibrates. The screen reads: 3 New Text Messages. I open each and every one of them, reading slowly and letting the words sink in.
Imo,
I had a great time with you last night. We should do it again sometime.
-Eli. :)
Hey, it's me Fiona. I don't know what's going on between you and Eli but I'm glad it's happening. I'm sure the play will be a success if our leading actress and playwright start dating. (: Also, final wardrobe fittings will be tomorrow morning. Be there at 8am. No excuses. -F
Imogen!
I miss you already. You're the best! How about we meet up at the Dot for dinner tonight. Say, sevenish? I'll pick you up, my leading lady. ;)
Why don't people see this side of Eli? No one know how amazing and fantastic Eli can be. If they read the texts they would see that he likes me. Even Fiona knows there's something between us. That's because there is.
I play the flashbacks from last night one last time in my head. He loves me. He proved it and it felt so good. His hands were cautious and he asked me for my permission to do anything.
Imogen, honey, you know that Eli boy is using you. He was being careful because that's how he was with Clare Edwards. Don't you see that? No, you don't. Your eyesight is fogged by memories of him and you on his bed. You're gonna end up hurt, Imo. It's just a matter of time.
I hate my conscience. I hate when it tells me I'm doing something wrong. Then again who loves their conscience? It always says that he doesn't want me but its wrong now.
I answer his text quickly and fix my hair. I told Eli that I'd meet him at the Dot, seeing as there was no point in him picking me up if I lived so close to the restaurant. As soon as I look presentable I leave my room, shutting the door behind me. My mom isn't home again; probably went out drinking with my older sisters. So I'm home alone. I leave a note on the fridge telling them where I'd be if they got home before me. I doubt she'll be home before me.
I walk out the front door and put my arms around me. It's chilly tonight and the air is making me shiver. I walk to the Dot quickly and get there in about five minutes. As soon as I open the door, warm air engulfs me. It smells like coffee and home.
"Imo? What are you doing here?"
It is Fiona Coyne who says this, sitting in the nearest table with two other girls. She motions for me to step closer and I walk right up to their table. I've seen the strawberry blonde before; she's Holly J Sinclair and student body president at Degrassi. She dated Declan Coyne early on in the year but then they broke up once he moved to New York. Declan was always cute.
There's another girl at the table who is sitting a bit too close to Fiona. I haven't seen her at Degrassi and she looks a bit too old to even be in high school.
"Imogen Moreno, leading lady of Love Roulette," Holly J explains to the girl next to her. She nods and smiles warmly extending a hand.
"I'm Charlie," she says shaking my hands. "Fiona has talked to me about you and your wonderful acting skills."
I put on a smug smile on my lips. So more people are becoming aware of my acting. That's certaintly nice of Fiona. "Well I'm not that good."
"I disagree with that," Holly J laughs. "I've been to some of the play's rehearsals and you're great."
"Thank you," I say politely.
There's an awkward silence around us and I can't help but feel that I'm the odd one out. I smile a little and start rocking on my heels, waiting for someone to say something. Fiona's phone rings and she takes the call, leaving me standing there in front of Holly J and Charlie.
"I'm glad Fi has people like you two around to support her," Charlie says, brushing her brown hair aside. "She's a great girl."
"You're her girlfriend, of course you would say that," Holly J says with a roll of her eyes. She turns to me. "Fiona and Charlie have been dating for a few weeks and they're inseparable already."
I smile and make small talk. I didn't know Fiona was in love. That would explain why she's always in a good mood during rehearsal. I wonder how she feels. How love feels for her. Charlie probably doesn't call her by another name.
I'm jealous of them. Jealous of their love because it seems so innocent and not complicated at all. I want that with Eli.
The front door opens again and I hear footsteps coming our way. When I turn around Eli is there. He looks tired and his eyes are a dull green. What happened to their shine? I don't have time to ask because he leans in and kisses me. His lips and chapped and rough, forceful against mine. I can sense his desperate attempt to bring back what we had last night. I want to push him away and ask him if everything is okay but I like having him close to me.
When he finally pulls away I can still taste him on my lips, my tongue.
"I didn't know you two were together," Holly J wonders out loud, amusement on her thin lips. "Seems like everyone's got someone except me."
"Don't worry, you'll find your special guy soon," Charlie said with a wink. Fiona came back and gave her a peck on the cheek.
Eli pulled me away from the girls and I followed him to a table by the window. He looked exhausted and even his steps were tired. He was pushing me forward, his hand on my lower back and I felt happy.
In my little bubble of simplicity, I only saw Eli and Eli being happy. In my imagination, he was smirking, flirting with me while I smiled at him and made strange remarks. He loved when I did that.
"I couldn't sleep after you left last night," he murmurs, leaning across the table and I think he's going to kiss me but he doesn't.
"I couldn't sleep when I got home," I confess, lowering my eyes from his penetrating gaze.
"You know, when you left something hit me," he continues as if I hadn't said anything. "The only thing standing in the way of getting back with Clare is Jake. If I get rid of him, she'll love me again. We'll be together."
He has an insane smile on his lips and I feel dizzy. He wasn't supposed to say that to me.
"You'll help me, right?" he says, eyes wide and grinning maliciously.
I nod.
"See this is why I like you so much."
And we're back to square back. The little voice in the back of my mind tells me I'm getting hurt. But I don't care. I'm in too deep to get out.
After the promo and first look at tonight's episode, I'm starting to feel sorry for Imogen. This was just to vent. : ) Review and tell me your thoughts!