Uninterrupted Thoughts
Does this count as Lust or Love? I can't make my mind up. I never thought that I would ever feel this way about anyone, let alone be obsessed with it. I can't stop thinking about it. And the more I think about it, the more I hurt. Does she even know what she's reduced me to? No. Of course not. She has no idea. Why should she guess that I feel this way about her when I myself am surprised at it?
It's raining. It is pure, cleansing, refreshing, yet sad and melancholy. It comes and washes the earth clean, and makes it pure once again. No-one is happy to see the rain. No-one cares that the rain is necessary, they still want it to go away. I like it when it rains. And then again, I don't. I like the sound it makes, the soothing pat, pat on the roof and on the floor outside. The calmness it brings with it. But then I have to stay inside when it rains, and I have too much time on my hands. Too much time to sit. Too much time to think. About her. God this hurts. I know it can never happen. I know it's stupid to even think about it. But I can't help it. There's always a voice in the back of my head. Always saying but, or maybe…. It could be right of course. No! of course it can't. I'm left clinging to a single hope, that will crumble and be brushed away as soon as I see her. She can never know. And she never will. But what if I ….. NO! I can never reveal my feelings. I can't let myself get hurt so badly. Then again…. It's not like I have anything to lose….. But she hates me … she hates me. She hates me. I can feel the tears pricking the sides of my eyes. I can see it in her face, her eyes. Her steely glare hardly looks my way anymore. I hold her eyes for too long. I get lost in those pools of violet, so soft, but so hard. Ah! I shake my head to get rid of the vision before my eyes. It doesn't leave my head though. It stays there with all the others, none of which show any emotion whatsoever for me. I bring my hands to my head, slowing trying to massage the pain away. It isn't working. She's still there, no matter what I do. She's always there, never leaving me alone for a second. I try to keep myself busy, to keep my mind numb, but it never works. My mind goes into overdrive, remembering little things, like the swish of her silky hair, the sigh of her voice, the silent observation of her team as they sit quietly. All the little things. These thoughts fill my head, sending me into a daze. Can I never be free? Won't you just leave me alone?
I laugh a silent laugh. Of course you won't . You don't even know your doing it. My entire world would crumble if you left. Yet you will at some point. You'll leave and never come back. What will become of me? I'm already a wreck. I open my eyes and lay back on my bed, looking at the ceiling, folding my arms behind my head. I hope for sleep to overwhelm me, so I can stop hurting, just for a moment. I sigh, knowing it won't. I don't understand. I didn't think love was supposed to feel like this. I thought it was supposed to be joyous and happy, happy, happy. Ha, yeah right. I'm such a fool. Such a fool for you. I roll my eyes and kick myself mentally. That sounded so corny even in my mind. I let out a small giggle. I'll start singing next. My face sets when I remember the horrible truth. I know it now. I'm sure of it. I'm head over heels in love with you and you will never return that love. I feel tears run down my face. I'm so confused and raw inside. So vulnerable right now. I dry my eyes and try to compose myself once more. I put on my façade of cheerfulness, although the truth couldn't be more different. I've become good at putting on a fake smile. At least something good came out of this. Maybe I'm overreacting and I don't really feel as strongly about you as I think I do. I try to force myself to believe this, but after a few minutes I realise I'm in a worse state than before. I sit back down on the bed, staring out of the window, watching the rain fall down in relentless torrents. I catch a glimpse of the moon before it disappears behind the dark clouds. Something I know you love. The moon. Such a strange thing. Always changing, sometimes not seen, but always there. Shining bright behind the clouds, reflecting the light back down to the earth. I wish, even if it was just for a minute that you could look at me in the way that you look at the moon. Or at your team at times. AH! I wish you would just look at me! God help me, I swear my heart will break in two if I don't see you again soon. But my legs will turn to jelly, and my heart will go into overdrive and I'll just stutter and look like a right idiot. Those violet eyes will pierce through me for a moment and it'll be stored and locked away in my memory, another painful vision for me to remember. I stare at my reflection in the window and instantly hate myself. What can I do to get you to like me? Can I do anything at all to get rid of this heartache? I flop back down on the bed and stare once again at the ceiling, but my eyes see nothing. Nothing will end this. Nothing. I love you and you hate me. Tears fall freely down my face as I listen to the sound of the raindrops hitting the pane of glass. This counts as neither. It's unrequited love.