Warnings: very bad jokes and slight innuendo.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters as they belong to Russell T Davies and the BBC but I do get to play with them.
Notes: This is just a quick write to get a story as I was promised money if I did. If anyone comments I'll add more to my usual contribution.
Comic Relief – Beans are Evil
They heard the noise of whirring engines before they saw the box. Jack rushed from his office to see the TARDIS appear in the smallest of spaces in the main area of the Hub. Ianto appeared as if from nowhere, otherwise known as the archives, whilst Gwen looked on from her station. Jack stood waiting to see which Doctor would appear out of the TARDIS. As they all travelled in time and space it could be any of them. He knew immediately as the eleventh version fell out of the TARDIS, adjusting his bow tie. Jack wondered why he was wearing a fez but it was often best not to ask the obvious questions of a Time Lord.
'Jack, where are you. Ah, you're there. I need you, Jack. I'll have you back straight away, I promise, but you need to come now.' He disappeared back into the TARDIS knowing that Jack would follow without question.
Abruptly he appeared again. 'Oh yeah I forgot you'll need to bring along a few things.' He reeled off a list. He watched as Jack returned to his office and then beckoned Gwen and Ianto. Inside they found Rhys already hiding.
'Right £100 each is the bet,' the Doctor said, 'for Comic Relief, but only if he finds all three and stays in there for over 30 minutes.' They heard Jack shouting and followed Rhys to hide away from their leader. He came in carrying a box and now wearing his greatcoat. He had a puzzled expression on his face.
'Did you see Ianto and Gwen as they seem to have vanished into thin air?' he said.
'Yeah, they said something about working in the archives and that they'd catch up with you later. I wasn't really listening. So, Jack good to see you again. I have another little job that requires your expertise.'
'So why am I dying this time?' Jack asked as the Doctor pressed buttons and pulled leavers that set the TARDIS off to its destination.
'No need to die this time, Captain; I just have a little problem with dealing with this myself and Amy and Rory have disappeared off somewhere. I find its best not to question her when she's in that mood!'
The TARDIS lurched as they landed. 'It didn't make the usual noise, Doc. Is everything alright with the Old Girl?'
'Perfectly,' the Doctor replied looking a bit sheepish. 'I just remembered to take the brakes off. I like the noise but River chastises me and says it's not good for her really. Now we're here.'
'So where is here?' Jack asked. 'And you haven't said what you need me to do yet.'
'No, no it's easier to show than tell.' The Doctor raised an eyebrow at Jack's broad grin.
'Well, that's something I agree with you about. So what have you got to show me eh, Doc?' He was pleased to see the Time Lord blush.
The Doctor opened the door. Jack followed him out. The sight that greeted them was that of a small lake filled not with water but with baked beans. Jack looked back at the Doctor, astonishment writ large all over his face.
'You can't be serious, Doc. What sort of place is this? And what do you want me to do?'
'As you know normally I'd deal with these things myself. The people of this planet, who are exceedingly shy, have 3 precious objects that were stolen and dumped in here when the thieves found that they had no value except to the people here. Usually I'd use the sonic screwdriver to detect them and wade right in but its beans, Jack and you know how I feel about beans!'
'Yeah, I know beans are evil. So you want me to go in there and rescue these things. Okay so what do they look like?'
'Well they're sort of red, shiny and have different patterns on them. They're worn every two years on one single day and it's this Friday. Without them they won't be able to have this special day and they help do an awful lot of good across the whole planet. So I just need you to go in there where I tell you to go and feel around. It's not very deep just rather tomato –y. It's not like I'm asking you to die. If it was custard I'd be in there.'
'So does anything nasty lurk in there? I'm not going to find any of those nasty little sausages. Any baked bean eating monsters I should know about that might be hiding in the depths?'
'Not that I know of Jack, but I can't be certain.'
Jack began to remove his clothes. 'Well I'm not going in there wearing this. Ianto would kill me if he had to get those stains out.' He stood naked at the edge of the lake for a moment. In the TARDIS money changed hands.
'Told you,' Ianto said. 'He'll never get his braces wet. But you've got to admit he does have a great arse.' Gwen nodded, her eyes fixed until Rhys coughed. Jack waded into the beans, which weren't quite deep enough to cover his assets when he turned around. Gwen had to fan herself and Ianto grinned like a Cheshire Cat.
Jack began his search under the Doctor's none to accurate directions. He shouted as he was successful and threw each one to the edge for the Doctor to collect. He wondered what they really were as they had a familiar look. As he triumphantly threw the third one he noticed Rhys, Gwen and Ianto stepping out of the TARDIS. All had daft smiles plastered on their faces.
'Pay up,' he heard the Doctor say. 'Its all for a good cause. One by one having washed them first, Gwen, Rhys and Ianto placed the red noses on. Ianto chose the pirate motif. Jack stood there up to his thighs in beans with sauce dripping slowly from everywhere and looked at them. He began to move towards them with a determined look on his face.
'This is a joke isn't it? What did I miss? And you, Doctor. Really how did you do this? Where are we?'
'A little quarry in South Wales, Jack. I got a little help from UNIT with the beans. Don't worry they're out of date. You've raised £400 for Comic Relief, Jack. I bet them that I could get you to do it and you did. You've never let me down, Jack!'
The sauce covered immortal looked at them and then suddenly grabbed the Time Lord covering him in slimy liquid. Then he looked at Ianto who wondered if he was about to get the same treatment. Jack grabbed his hand and then kissed him, keeping his distance and Ianto thought he'd been forgiven.
'Sorry, Jack we just couldn't resist the bet and you do look positively edible!'
Without warning Ianto found himself being thrown over the other man's shoulder. He tried to wriggle but even a slippery Jack was too strong. He gave into the inevitable and hoped he could get the stains out of his suit. They both sat rolling in the beans for a while kissing and hugging each other and generally getting covered all over again.
'You, Ianto Jones, owe me one. In fact you owe me more than one. I think it's time we hit the showers. I've done my bit for Comic Relief so I think its time you did your bit for my relief!'
'It will be my pleasure, Captain,' whispered Ianto thinking that this had been worth every penny!