Dying.
That is the one word my mother tried never to use around me, I pretty sure it's because she was scared that if it got into my head that I'd just give up.
It did.
Being prodded by needles and cut open over and over again, it gets tiring. I wonder why I was even born if my life was so full of pain. What if Anna had been next and I wasn't ever born? Would my family be happier?
I think so, no, I know so. Sometimes I wish that my family would forget about me and just be happy. It's not fair. Not fair for Anna, not fair for Jesse, not fair for Mom and Dad, not fair for me. They shouldn't have to do this. No one should ever have to do this. Thinking about the future and all they see is them lying in a casket cold and hard. When I think about dying, I think about what I'd want to tell Jesse and Anna and my parents before I went.
I'd say that death is bittersweet, that I hate that I'm leaving you, but I'm ready to go. That I want you remember all the little things. Like the way I'd smile, or roll my eyes at you. That if you ever needed to talk to me you could just go outside and look at the stars, because I think the stars are people. People that has passed away, that take turns looking down on the ones they love. If you look for the first star that twinkles down at you, that's me saying I miss you and I love you.
I think that Jesse and Anna and even Dad would understand, but Mom, I not sure she would. Would she want to keep going on like this? I really can't see her doing that.
I turned at looked at the clock on the wall. Anna would be here soon. Good.
I waited.
I smiled when Anna came into the room. "Anna."
"Kate."
I have to ask you to do something for me. Something big…" I said.
"What is it?" Anna asked with a look of confusion painted on her face.
"Anna, I want you to keep your kidney." I said to her with a straight face.
"What!? You'd die without it!" she exclaimed looking uneasy.
I smiled a little and looked at the most important person in my life and said "I know."