Everyone drifted off at some point, heat from our make-shift fire thawing out their numb bones, but not Arthur. He was probably too busy worrying about the fact that he was going to dietomorrow afternoon to actually sleep. The long journey had got to me too, but I certainly didn't mind staying up like he was; just in case he fancied talking. And anyway, I would never be able to close my eyes knowing he was there.
Arthur was sprawled against one of the fallen tree trunks the Knights had dragged into the abandoned castle in which we'd set up camp in before nightfall, staring into the flames. No one except me could've known that anything was wrong from looking at the way he sat: his arms flung back casually, legs lying flat, sleeves rolled up, belt loosened, fringe slightly obscuring my view of his right eye.
As if he was at ease…
When a log on the fire shifted, I saw a flash of his perfect eyes and what was trapped in them.
I saw wonder, I saw terror, I saw anguish, I saw weariness.
There in the half light, it took all my strength not to lean over and kiss him, but I didn't. Instead, I moved a fraction closer and gave him the only thing I could say.
"It'll be alright."
Arthur turned to me and suddenly his eyes betrayed him. I saw the pure fear the flickering lights had kept from me: the purest, most fatal kind of fear; the kind that seeps into the onlooker, spreading from eye to eye until no one is safe anymore. I swallowed.
Don't hug him, don't touch him. Stay strong or he will sense your frail state of mind.
He looked at me for a moment, then returned his gaze to the enviable flames. We sat in the warm glow silently just for a while, not needing to speak to converse.
I don't know how it happened, but I suddenly realised his head was resting on my shoulder. Willing my heartbeats to stay constant and unheard, I put my arm around Arthur Pendragon.
He didn't flinch, that's got to be a good sign.
"I don't want to die," he choked out, voice cracking (it's selfish now I think back, but I remember my pulse stutter at the adorableness). I closed my eyes, begging the tears I could feel surfacing to remain where he couldn't see them. I'd already crossed the line, already ruined whatever I'd built up with him by that half-hug; crying would only be used against me in the future.
It didn't work.
A droplet slipped down my cheek – damn it, my right cheek! Arthur would feel it soak into his hair. I tried to move away, but, Murphy's law, it was too late. He was looking up at me, puzzled.
"Merlin?" I felt his eyes trying to catch mine, but for once in my life I wasn't not looking at him - I couldn't bear to. Another tear broke free, shameless, as I pretended to be interested in the burning logs in front of me.
Silence.
"I don't want you to either," I managed. The ground refused to open and swallow me, so I put my head in my hands instead and rocked back and forth where I was. It was meant to be calming, I think.
What have you done, what have you done…
I heard nothing for quite a time.
And then Arthur's hand touched my hair and, out of shock, I looked up.
"Then I won't." he said softly, and kissed me. Just once, but it was enough to prove a lot of things. He pulled back, leaving me pining in the air where he'd been. A flash of disbelief crossed his eyes, and then he was standing, walking through an arched doorway that lead onto the battlements. Shaking the writhing left-over feelings away, I stupidly followed him outside. Well, I suppose it seemed stupid at the time, after what had happened, but now I shudder when wondering about what might have followed if I hadn't.
Arthur was pacing the stone slabs with what I can only call ferocity. Who the rage was aimed at is still a mystery. When I saw his hands behind his head, I bit my lip because I know him too well to not figure out what's going on in his mind: it's his rarely used sign of bewilderment and panic. After a second hanging back in the shadows of the arch, I gingerly stepped into the darkness toward him. Noticing me, he stopped in his tracks, stopping me in mine too, before spinning round and striding over to the chest-high wall edging the battlement. I approached his silhouette tentatively, hoping he wouldn't walk away.
The moon illuminated the left half of his perfect face, making it difficult for me to concentrate on digesting the situation and not stare at him. Anyway, it hadn't really sunk in yet – this was all a dream to me, and I never wanted it to end. Arthur gave a weighted sigh, his breath misting in the cold air in front of him. A sharp breeze blew his golden hair about as if in a bad movie, while the rest of him stayed rigid as an oak tree. If all bad movies were like this, I'd reconsider what I classed as 'good'.
The lack of light made me braver, as it does, and so even though I had no idea what I was going to say, I opened my mouth.
"What-"
"I don't know, okay, Merlin? I don't know!" he threw his hands up in frustration. My brow creased.
"Did… did you feel anything?" I asked quietly. That got him. He faced me.
"Of course I felt something: it was a kiss," Not quite so angry now. He turned back to the forest one hundred feet below us, and I heard his breathing slow down.
"You…" he started, and scrunched his face up in exasperation. "You do something to me, Merlin. I don't know what it is, but you do it. I seem to change around you… but not into somebody else. It's like I change back into myself, like all the time you're not there I'm living a lie." He wouldn't look at me.
"Is there anything I can say? Anything I can do?" Arthur turned to me again, pain creasing his forehead.
"No," he whispered. "Nothing you can say…" But I saw his eyes flicker to my lips and I knew I could do something. In one step, I'd closed the space between us and we were kissing. This time, his mouth didn't leave mine and I could actually feel his emotions flooding into me.
I don't know how long we stood on that battlement, in that breeze, on that night, not acknowledging the world around us. A war could've broken out and I wouldn't have even noticed.
"Run away with me," Arthur murmured into my hair when we'd eventually realised to breathe. His arms were holding me tighter than I'd ever dreamed they would, and his eyes sparkled in a way no one but me had ever seen them. His words startled me, and I pulled back slightly to look at him, although it caused a battle in my mind over moving away.
"What?"
"C'mon, while it's not yet light. Let's go somewhere where no one knows us, or maybe where there's no one at all. I need to get away, Merlin: from Camelot; from my duties; from everyone's expectations of me; from being Prince Arthur. Just…come with me."
He needed time to sort out this mess.
"Please."
He knew I'd do anything for him.
As the sun rose onto another day in this life, I dragged Arthur, by the hand, out of the castle and into the fields.
We ran.