Author notes: This wasn't my first fanfiction, but my computer documents are a mess, so I put this one (I found him first). I'm from Portugal so I'm sorry for any mistake: I could write in Portuguese, but I know than translators suck, so I write him in English so everyone can read. I actually like of fanfics with a lot of romance and passion especially in this pairing (kandaxLenalee), but I thought this one was a kind of funny. I hope than come more KandaxLenalee fanfics because they really need hem, especially romantic ones (good M and T are welcome). And I hope than they come fast as well! I tired of unfinished fanfics. AllenxLenalee get many new fanfics since the beggining of the year. Let's prove than KandaxLenalee is the best writing more for them. Btw, I think this is not very good (i'm not a very good writer, but I really want to see more fanfics of this paring), but please read and please please please review! Enjoy!
PS: Is the 3rd time I take this and put it again because of the damn dashes than never appear (Don't ask me why)!
THE POSTCARDS SAGA
Kanda just come back from an 8 days mission on Egypt. It was night already and he was so damn tired: not because of the time spend on the mission or the quantity of Akuma he kill, but because of the fucking annoying climate! It was so damn hot there! Yes because Kanda was a person who like cold and hate warmth. Why did that stupid rabbit take the Alaska mission if he like hot climates. Sometimes it seems than Komui make of purpose just to getting him nuts for destroying all of his ridiculous robots. He was so tired, than he even didn't note than he answer to the Gatekeeper whit proper words instead with a traditional "HMM" when this one greet him with a goodnight and ask him if he was alright.
After he get inside the gates, the first thing he did was take his not nice hot and heavy exorcist coat, living his black sweeter full of sweat visible for enjoy his beloved cold provoked by the Order ventilators and walk in his room direction, for take a relaxing cold bath and then sleep in is king-size adored bed in the middle of a bless silence give by the currents later hours ( the Arabs aren't that silence praying for their God when they running from death as Komui said), but first he would go to the kitchen, and eat something, for kill his painful hunger (Arabs food was so horrible as their girly screams)– it was all what he wish. He even smirks a little at the divine thought.
But when he passes through the main door after the gates, he notes something: it was damn hot! It was fucking murdering HOT! His eyes got wide open at the same moment and his smirk quickly vanish when his head turn left to see a giant Postcard with a giant Komui funny Mickey Mouse face with tremendous Dexter shine glasses saying:
Warning for all the unlucky people who come back from HOT missions:
The ventilators screw up and start to warm up the air thanks to MY FUTURE NEW ROBOTS, who instead of batteries spend electricity, so don't worry and get proud on yourselves; your sacrifice is in the name and good of science.
PS: Murdering swordsmen are forbidden in the supervisor office for questions of security.
This message was really directed to him. Komui would pay for this later, he didn't know how yet, but he would. He tried to control is furious twitched eye brown the max he could: he was alright, he would not freak out like Komui, because Komui was an idiot lunatic and he was the sophistication in person. He was alright: he steel could kill his hunger, enjoy his silence, change his sweaty clothes, take a cold bath and sleep in his king-sized bed. He takes a deep breath and made his way to the kitchen.
Obviously no one would be in the kitchen at such late hours, what was good (0 people = +silence). But when he reaches the kitchen door, another postcard with a Mickey Mouse with Dexter glasses was in. This time was saying:
Warning for all the unlucky people who come back from their missions starving:
Because the ventilators screw up, the Kitchen fridges screw up as well, so all the food was taken to the supply fridge's on the cave, and those ones are only allowed to the kitchen staff. But don't worry, if whoever unfortunate soul read this is strong enough, will get over this small accident without freak out.
PS: Murdering swordsmen are forbidden in the supervisor office for questions of security.
Komui was really asking for... now kanda's face was looking Donald´s duck face when angry. But alright, a strong sophisticated man can survive to this, besides he still have his silence, his future bath and change clothes and his dreaming king-sized bed. After all, hunger would pass over when he fall asleep right? He takes another deep breath and made his way to his room direction.
When he passes through the door to the rooms Hallways nothing happen: it's a miracle – he thought – if I was a religious man I would send pray a Mass for this ALÉLUIA moment.
But after he climbs some floors, he had a certain feeling to turn his head to the left. There was another postcard! This one not only had a Mickey Mouse Dexter Mutation, but the Scooby-doo dog with his tongue out as well. Now this was too much! What the hell was he thinking! This postcard said:
Warning for all the unlucky people who come back from their noisy mission:
Because the ventilators screw up, everyone seems be in a "rather sexual" good mood. So for all the people who want to rest and don't like to be disturbed by others for their sexual activity noises here goes an advice: run the fast as you can to your rooms and try to imagine than is you who is enjoying the pleasures of sex.
PS: Murdering swordsmen are forbidden in the supervisor office to questions of security.
Kanda's face seems Reever's one when septic by Komui's robots by now. How Komui could have courage to fix such a prevent message on Lenalee's floor, next to lenalee's door? Yes, because this was lenalee's floor right? He still wasn't that tired to get the point to confuse the floors, was he? Besides, he never ever in his live would forget where her floor and door was. After all, he would go often watch her sleep in those short and sexy pyjamas of her. But anyway, he couldn't stop thinking if it was really Komui who wrote this postcard, because in his mind, he could affirm than Komui was still a virgin. He never would have imagination or at least experience enough to write something like this, would he? What a pervent. Kanda's continue to look to that like an idiot until his eyes got huge open when he heard:
- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
That... sounded like a girly girl... scream... or was he having a... nightmare? And worse: it comes from the bean sprout... door, on the down floor...isn't it? Kanda's face turn to Allen's door without move nothing more like a statue. Then another scream comes, and this time was from bean sprout. Then another comes, and another, and another and another, and it wasn't just screams anymore, but... pleasure moans, and weird... noises?
All people start to get out of their rooms, to see what was going on. Some were screaming courses because of the late hours, others only for curiosity. When he saw the hallways were full of people, looking to bean spout's door (including he). But in his case, was only because of the shock. When he looks up, two things cutch his attention: Lavi (who happen live two floors up), comes outside just in boxers all sweating and breathing heavily like he just finish to run a marathon, looking to a blond girl than he didn't knew, with a really preoccupied face; then he look two others floors up, and saw Marie and Miranda getting out of the same room sweating and breathing heavily as well, not spiking the strange long red diva dress on Miranda.
When he was to go to his room, Lenalee open her room door, dressing a very long pink robe, showing her perfect and sensual curves. This make him stop, and it was not from the shock.
- Kanda... – Was only his impression or she blushed when she saw him. The thought made him feel a kind of... exited...
- Lenalee... – He finally replied after some moments looking to each other.
- I thought... I thought you only come back next week? – She seems be a little uncomforted to ask this.
- I'm not slow like bean sprout or that lazy rabbit. I can perfectly finish a mission before the predicted without any troubles. Besides, a bunch of level 1 akuma is nothing for me. – He was a little inignited with Lenalee's assumption: Was she thinking of him as a weak? She above all people should know than he was not person to take such primary mission for long. He was one of the best exorcists of the Order for God sake.
- Oh... I'm sorry I didn't mean it in that way. Is just... you know... forget...
- Whatever... – He was taking many deep breaths this night counting with this one.
- Are you alright? Are you hurt? – Her uncomforted face immediately change for a concern one.
- No, I'm fine. – He really like her explosion concerns about him. It make him feel special somehow, since she was the only one who actually care about him with such dedication.
- Good... – This time was she taking a deep breath, making the blush disappears a little.
Their usual answer/question moment quickly over when another scream comes like a storm. Everyone stop to listen what was coming from Allen's door.
- Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Yes! Yes!YEEEEESSSSSSS! Keep coming Walker-sama, keep coming!
- I am! I am! I am!
- Harder! Harder! Harder, Walker-sama!
- Wait; don't put your hand there! Wait! Aaaaaahhhhh! That hurts! Aaaahhhhhh! Wait that position is to hard!
- Can be hard... but feels good... Isn't it...
- Yes! Yess! More more more more! Moooooreeeeee!
Now this was what the postcard means. This was in a word: sickness. And who in the world would like to made sex with bean sprout. Not like he was jealous, but that white hair together with that weird scar doesn't was exactly the more attractive thing of the world. Besides, he was skinny and albino and to weak for this kind of activities. Well, apparently he wasn't that weak. Who says than the innocent bean sprout could enter in these games?
- Come on Walker! There other people trying to do their one personal activities! With your noise who can concentred on their own moves!- One finally scream.
- Yes Walker... stop being selfish!
- If you want to do a porn show go to the basement.
The audience wasn't very pleased with the matter of fact and with reason. Then, the noises got over and his door open very carefully, showing a very sweaty naked hair mess Allen, with only a pillow blocking some views. Kanda immediately put himself in front of Lenalee, blocking the shameless vision with a very furious Donald Duck face. He didn't want than his precious Lenalee watch such horrible and perverse scene. The audience didn't seem very pleased either, judging by their disgusted face and curses.
- Eto... – Allen couldn't even speak by his heavy hilarious breathing. – My...no... our... apologies for the disturbing. It wasn't... our intention...please... forgive us...
Then his noisy lover show up by his side in the very same conditions: Lou Fa. It wasn't very surprising. Apparently, Allen wasn't the only one with secret hormones here.
- Like Walker-sama said, please accept our apologies. Is just, you know, we're new on this, and we just, don't get the orgasms thing quite well. Find the right position for both is a kind of hard. Now let's go Walker...
- Exactly like she said... please excuse us...
The door closed fast by Allen being taken by Lou Fa exited hands. Everyone got back to their rooms after that without more words.
- Well, I go to my room. – Kanda stopped when heard Lenalee's voice calling him, and turn to face her. – What?
- ... Is just... you see... forget... Goodnight Kanda.
- Goodnight...
He start climbing the stairs again slowly after Lenalee enter in her room. He was really getting to the point of sleep on the floor. So this was the meaning of the hallway postcard, Komui just could have a crystal ball or something. Who could guess that? The idea scary him a little bit (Komui + crystal ball + evil thoughts + lunatic inventions = eternal darkness). But when he finally climb only two more floors (lavi's floor), he heard another scream, and this one was not from pleasure but from... despair?
Lavi abruptly, open his room door only in very folkloric red boxers, with a face like he saw a chainsaw massacre. Then two girls get out of is room abruptly too with an angry red Barbie face. One was ganger, dressing a pink fluffy lingerie (actually, was looking more a very ugly swimming suit), and the other was that blond girl he saw later dressing a yellow sunshine lingerie ugly as the world carrying a small radio (but these were Lavi's tastes, who could change them for more ridiculous they were. Lavi + tastes = horrible creatures).
- Lavi, how could you? You ask me to come to your room, and then 10 minutes later I found this... this... this dumb blonde!
- Giselle, please! – Lavi was a lost cause.
- Who is the dumb blonde here? I even brought a radio for a better climate, and you, what did you brought? Now who is the dumb here?
- Please Mariett, thrust me! Listen: Giselle and I were only discussing some unimportant business.
- Unimportant business! – The ganger was really freaking out by now. - I show you what UNIMPORTANT businesses were... – And start hitting him together with the blond. Feminine alliance could be strong sometimes. Instead of fighting with each other, the two girls start giving a lesson to Lavi (a deserve one).
But wait. Now kanda remember who they were: they where the science department men daughters. Lavi was really losing his suppose "high level".
For the people who start to come out again, just was a very funny vision of Lavi being hit by to stupid girls, while screaming for help like a crying rat. The laugh was evident across the corridors and if kanda was a man for laugh he would laugh as well.
After some while the girls stopped they attack, shake their hands and go away living a very confuse Lavi behind and shame by his position. They were the victims after all, not him. His reputation was over. When the show finally over complete, they come back to their rooms once again. Lavi just run to his room crying like a baby who lost his lolly pop.
Kanda was in despair now. When was he get to his room? Was this a God's punishment or a Komui one for don't stop looking to Lenalee legs? But he was almost there, just four more floors and he was there, in his paradise or at least: his half paradise. He felt like a very unhopeful Jesus when he saw than his wish of a better world for everyone was not accomplishing (in kanda's case his wishes were just for himself). He once more start climbing the stairs like an old Moses. It seems he could hear the voice of God whispering on his ear: be strong Kanda, be strong. Remember: you're invincible; you're superman without the red cloak and the collants because that's ridiculous and it doesn't suit you. Remember the soba you've be eating all over this years for keep you strong (is not the most nutritional food but I can close my eyes to that (I plant fruit trees and vegetables earth too for nothing: next time I will don't give myself to that work. Jesus, remember to left a note on the list of things than it's not necessary on the after live world – Jesus: Yes father!)
Two more floors, just two more. He was in Marie's floor: here nothing could happen. Here he was safe. Then he doesn't listen a scream but a very malicious laugh. It wasn't his day. But this laugh was him familiar. It was... Marie's laugh? But since when he laugh like that? Was when he remembers Miranda getting out of his room WITH HIM with a red long dress. Kanda´s mind was screaming. What was wrong with this people? Even the quite Marie and the scary Miranda were DOING IT? Bloody ventilators! This time, he doesn't even wait doors to open, and start running to his room, screw up the tiredness.
Then... he saw it... his door... his half paradise! He already lost is silence, is food, his cold, but he didn't lose his bed, his clothes and his bath. This time, nothing could stop him, and if it could, he would slide that thing off like a demonic reaper. He look to every corner around the door, to make sure than there it wasn't any postcard with a Mickey/Dexter mutation... and then... he start running in slow camera to it with shining eyes (like komui's glasses) and slobbering himself. A white light surround the door and the voice of angels with big wings were calling for him, or it was all fruit his imagination? Every step closer seems intensify the angels music white light more, and more and more. But when he open the door, he could see the angels with big wing falling to underworld with a deep; Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! As he could see the white light turn into a dark one. Actually he could say than he listen little devils whispering in his ear: you really dumb (laughing)! How could you believe in paradise! Your idiot (laughing)!
His world was destroyed. His bed, his beloved bed was divided in four equal pieces. His bed was not a bed anymore, was just garbage now. Then he saw it: the damn damn damn postcard again. Kanda's face was like the devil one. The Mickey/Dexter mutation postcard said:
Warning for the unlucky resident of this room who come back from a tired mission:
Unfortunally, when the ex-new Komurin come fix your ventilator, instead of cut the ventilator he cut your bed. But don't worry, because if you a strong "resident", you will goanna survive to this small incident without blades flying on the building. The floor it isn't that bad to sleep, especially to strong samurais.
PS: Murdering swordsmen are forbidden in the supervisor office for questions of security.
Was for purpose, was for purpose and was for purpose! But wwwhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy! Kanda was already imagining thousands of ways to revenge of Komui. All including Mugen and reapers faces. It wasn't the first time he would sleep on the floor, but damn, he was tired! He made his way to his bathroom, but when he open the door to the shower he saw ANOTHER POSTCARD!
Warning for the unlucky resident of this room who come back from a sweaty mission:
Unfortunally, big part of the shower are broken, because the ventilators systems mess up with the waters one. But don't worry, if you not a totally pig, you're not all that sweaty and you goanna survive without take a bath until tomorrow morning.
PS: Murdering swordsmen are forbidden in the supervisor office for questions of security.
He doesn't even though twice. Only one thing of his wishes list was left: change clothes. He run to the closet and open it abruptly, and then, his worse nightmare was true: the closet was fucking empty! Not even one shirt was left. And of course, another postcard...
Warning for all the people who come back from a hell of a mission:
Because the ventilators screw up, the laundry machines screw up as well. But don't worry, the laundry staffs make sure to left at least one shirt. Don't worry be happy!
PS: Murdering swordsmen are forbidden in the supervisor office for questions of security.
Kanda just knee on the stone floor with his hands on his head. What was going on! What the fuck was going on! At least one shirt? Was nothing in there! Then he heard a knock on the door. Who the hell was now? Could his day be even worse? The door open and a soft voice speak:
- Kanda, are you sleeping?
- Lenalee?
- Why are you knee on the floor?
- Forget that. You shouldn't be sleeping already?
- Well, the warmth doesn't really help, and besides I come ask you apologies.
- Apologies? – He was doing that Reever face again.
- Yes. You see, the laundry screw up, and left me without any pyjamas, so I...
- You?
- I... Well... – Lenalee start unbutton her robe. Kanda's face got absurdly red and it was not from the hot. Then he saw it: his shirt was on her, his only shirt. – I'm sorry, I thought you just coming back next week.
Kanda didn't answer, because his eyes were focus on others thing's: her sweaty skin, her amazing curves and those eyes waiting for something. Then a light pass trough his mind. Now he knew how to revenge of Komui.
- You look better without anything on you.
- What? – Lenalee's face was worse than a tomato.
- I said, you look better without anything on you. – He got up and lock the door, turning again to Lenalee, putting his hands on her robe. – Let me show you.
Before she could protest, he kiss her passionately. A long and melting kiss. She was so focus on it and in the hot the was feeling inside, than she didn't even notes than he was taking all of their clothes off. When she finally open her eyes, they were lay on the floor, he on top, both totally naked. He was looking lustily her.
- Kanda? - She not even couldn't speak, was too choked.
- You see? I told you than you look much, much better. Now if you don't mind, those ventilators screw up my mood and I now pretty well how to fix him.
His hands were everywhere, his lips were everywhere, he was everywhere. This was not finish quick. Kanda just couldn't blame the ventilators for this.
Next morning, Komui was going to cheeking Lenalee on her room, but she wasn't there.
- Leeeeeeeenaaaaaaaaaleeeeeee! Where are you? Who kidnap you?
Tears start running over his face until reach the floor like a fountain. A finder was passing by and told him.
- Komui-san, I saw Lenalee enter on Kanda's room last night.
- Whhhattttttt? Kanda your akuma!
Komui run to kanda's room, and when he got there he found a postcard with is name on it. When he open it, a samurai happy face was on it with the words:
Warning for the unlucky dark boots girl oldest brother who finish to climb six floors:
Because the ventilators screw up, my mood screw too. So for fix him, your sister's innocence screw up. Btw: Your sister and I goanna get married even if you wanted or not (yes, because I'm not a fucking pervent like you). You stole my cold climate, my food, my silence, my bath and my clothes, but don't worry: your sister skin touch froze me last night, her body kill my hunger as never, her moans in my ears were better than silence, the bath wasn't need until morning (better activities to think on), her naked body was mush softer to lay than any bed and clothes were definitely NOT necessary. Don't worry be happy for us.
PS: Murdering brothers are forbidden in murdering swordsmen rooms for questions of security (I don't want make my future wife cry)
- Lenale! !
At the same time in the meditation room:
- Kanda, how do you think Komui is goanna react to our marriage?
- He will explode with the hot damn ventilators...
The end