Thanks to russian_blue for looking this over!

The lyrics aren't to any specific melody.

Dear Madalena,

I have missed your companionship dearly, and I yearn to be at your side. I have travelled a long distance and braved great peril in the hopes of being reunited with you once more. It does not surprise me to hear that you have overthrown your former teacher and claimed his fortress as your own, for I know your magic and wiles are far superior to most of us mere mortals.

But will you lock out anyone who comes imploring you to listen, even a lovesick wanderer? I find your doors are barred even to me, and I despair. While your magic is truly formidable, I hope that my heft and training might lend you even more defenses. Please, allow me to be your humble servant once more, and I would gladly do as you command.

In order to assure that this letter might reach you, I have taken the liberty of making several copies, and affixing them to arrows that will assault your castle on all sides. Do not be alarmed at my burning desire to reach you. You may find my encampment some distance outside your magical barriers.

Yours in fervor,

Gareth

Gareth, you rascal,

Did Sidney write this for you? I didn't know you were literate, much less fawning for my attentions like a spoiled prince.

I'm an entirely capable swordfighter in my own right, and to my command of dark sorcery I have added mixed magical arts, as well as a stylish appreciation for diabolical design. There's nothing your brutal violence could add to my repertoire, short of weaknesses in my defenses thanks to your extraordinarily pesky loyalties.

My network of espionage had already spotted your puny camp, but just in case, I've had this delivered anyway, together with a cursed bottle of that foul brand beer I remember you were so keen on. No doubt you've already consumed half of it and broken out in the ensuing hives. Don't worry, they'll fade away after a day or two. Once you slink back to your homeland in shame, I'd hate to have my calling card associated with a cad like you.

Her Majesty,

Mage-Queen Madalena I

Dear Your Highness,

I'm told you are the Seven Realms' top expert on evil fashion trends. Though I consider myself a thug of minor skill, I find I've been poorly outfitted for my murderous duties. I want to carry out an internship under you, so I can import your cutting-edge innovations to my homeland. I have an Eligible Bachelor's degree from the School of Incredibly Hard Knocks.

Best,

An admirer

P. S. On the subject of cutting edges, I have personally sliced the borders of this letter at the sharpest possible angles to maximize paper cuts given. Please take this as a pledge of my commitment to acts of cruelty.

Gareth,

If you're attempting to hide under a pseudonym the least you could do is disguise your handwriting. You don't need lessons in fashion when you're handsome whatever you wear-I mean, leaving your victims too incapacitated to see. Only we artisans who delight in slow-acting torment need to accessorize our heinous acts.

Thank you for the spurts of finger blood, it's useful for sealing arcane oaths. Since you know nothing about binding commitment I've settled for invisible ink for writing this. By the time it takes you to find someone who knows how to decipher it at the hour of sunrise, when the precise rosy hue of dawn casts its illuminating ray across the horizon, you'll hopefully be far out of my kingdom.

My Majesty,

Mage-Queen Madalena I

Maddie,

Slow-acting torment is right. I'm desperate to see you again, and you can't even grant me a glimpse of you? How am I to know whether or not you're even all that stylish now or just claiming to be?

And you meant I had to read this at, uh, eight am, right? That didn't take long to figure out; Sidney knew all about decoding secret messages. He says he uses the same trick all the time to keep in touch with would-be revolutionaries trying to rising up against out-fashioned royal orders. But that shouldn't worry, since you've obviously acquired this domain by force of arms and skill and not unjust inheritance. (Do you have plans for the succession? Is there going to be a Madalena II?)

I'm sending this via carrier pigeon. It should be trained to poop on your rugs.

Cheers,

Gareth

Gareth,

If you wish to glimpse my majesty, power, and modern sensibilities in dress, stand facing the eastern balcony at the hour when the gilded eye of Hesper fades from view (eight am to you simpletons).

-Mage Queen Madalena, whose rule shall extend indefinitely

P. S. The pigeon was a little stringy, but good with ketchup.

To the Dark Evil Lord,

I know that your magical fortitude is real strong, so I bow and grovel at your feet and kiss your fancy shoes. I'm an ambassador from across the Seven Realms. Word of your evil deeds is well-known in my homeland, but you are not as famous as you should be. Liars say that you don't hold power no more, but that your ex-student Madalena has defeated you and rules in your place!

I know this can't be the case. With all your misdirection skills you must control the image of her to project as suits your cunning plots. Madalena enthroned in power would be a woman to fear and admire, not the face I saw the other night, who seemed lost and alone. Still, don't be disappointed in your efforts to portray her gorgeous body. They have succeeded very well!

If you wish to strike down those fools in my kingdom who insist on spreading lies about you, I suggest you journey here at once to smite them!

Most faithfully,

A subject of King Richard

Pitiful subject,

Be careful what you get yourself into, asking favors of dark magicians. They may be granted, but they may not be what you wish.

I will deign to meet with you, puny ambassador, though why I should pledge my loyalty to you if you think nothing of making war on your own homeland is a question you will need to answer.

I suppose you have some kind of shield or armor on you; if not, and you came all this way to entreat my castle, you are even more foolish than you seem. As a token of what it means to grapple with darkness, I have enchanted this letter so that as you read it, your armor will transform into chains that bind you. To be freed, you must seek me out near the southern drawbridge when the shrill cry of the lark pierces the ear of the unwary. (If you are unlearned, that would be at the hour of eight in the morning.) I will await you.

Vanquisher of Pleasantry,

The Dark Evil Lord

Madalena lowered the drawbridge and glided across. The moat's voracious fish swam below as she passed to the outer limits of her castle's magical boundaries. With a snap of her fingers, she bid the bridge raise behind her—so much neater than bothering with the pulley system—and walked across the invisible border that marked the edge of her established charms.

Gareth came limping into view a few minutes later, dragging his metal links behind him. "Hullo," he said.

"You came alone?" she asked.

"Er—yep."

She blinked. "Sidney's lying in wait behind one of those trees?"

"Er—yep."

"You're still lying."

"Er—nope."

"Don't tell me you did something dreadfully heroic like leaving him behind and telling him to leave if you don't come back?"

"Why would I tell you that?" said Gareth.

"No, you wouldn't," she said, "I seem to have figured you out pretty well for myself."

He shrugged. "Mind lending me a hand?"

"Yes," she said. "What do you want?"

"I want to get rid of these," he waved, making a jangling noise.

"And then?"

"Well...I thought...we could maybe be...you know...us again. You and I."

"It'd never work, Gareth," said Madalena. "I'm an evil queen."

"I'm a bruising henchman! Give me some credit."

"You have a very annoying knack for letting your dreadful friendships get in the way."

"Annoying," he repeated, "that's almost as good as evil."

"As good as evil?" Madalena said. "I don't think you've quite grasped the idea."

And she began to sing.

"It feels so great to be evil
Treat all the world like your toy
Succumb to your nature primeval
To murder and kill and destroy.
Nice guys were never the winners
Why give it all when you can take?
Greatness belongs to the sinners
And temptation is no mistake.

It just comes naturally
Fight till you can be
The one with the just reward
I wouldn't sit alone
Upon my throne
If I could be by someone just as untoward."

Gareth sang back.

"I've killed for many a reason
But liked it for friendship's sake best.
Maybe you call it treason.
I find no nobler quest.
Even when odds are meager,
If duty calls I should
Be ready to fight and eager.
It feels so great to be good.

It's what I'm born to do
See the fight through
Defend my friends with pride
But you can surely bet
It's better yet
With true companions by my side."

Madalena responded:

"I don't need any assistance
Taking the path of least resistance."

Gareth replied:

"It's no trouble honing my might
Aiming for what I know is right."

"I could endure each solitary hour
Using my force, wielding my power."

"I could turn around, go back to the start
Ignoring the loneliness and pain in my heart."

"Still I miss the surety of a worthy cause
Upholding the beauty of dazzling laws."

"When I'm far from a comrade or friend
Murder is fun, not as means, but an end."

And together, they sang:

"Maybe we're no permanent fixture,
Instead some kind of fearsome blend.
Of good and evil, a mixture.
We both attack and defend.
Both in our own kind of style
We were born to such a fate
To choose our way all the while
To set a path that feels great!

We'll form a perfect team
No grand extreme
But strike a balance of our own
And so as one we'll stay
In shades of gray
A force the realms have never known!"

"Actually," Sidney pointed out, "the realms have known your united force before, there was that time when you were co-regents."

"I thought I told you to stay away and leave if I didn't come back!" Gareth protested.

"I knew it," Madalena crowed.

"Yeah," Sidney said. "But I heard singing and figured you were doing protagonist stuff without me."

"Oh," said Madalena. "Well, I guess this means we'll need to be a little more exclusive, huh?" She leaned forward and kissed Gareth, who eagerly returned it.

Sidney threw up his hands. "I decode your parchment and this is how you repay me?"

"Apparently so," said Gareth. "It appears as if I'm going to be reverting to more dastardly ways. You may need to go foment a righteous rebellion somewhere else. Hopefully I can go check Madalena's worst impulses so she doesn't take over any more undead hordes or whatever the next threat is."

"Undead hordes are extremely passe," Madalena informed them. "Werebeasts are the hip new trend, as soon as I can predict the phases of the moon."

Sidney rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the warning."

"It's only sporting," said Gareth.

"As for you," said Madalena, "you are going to need a new wardrobe."

"That's right I am, you've cursed my armor."

"Oh," she said, snapping her fingers and restoring his old chain mail. "Right. That. But I figure we could get some coordinated outfits for our reigns of moderated terror."

Gareth knelt. "At your command, my Mage-Queen."