Disclaimer: "Wish I Knew You" is not written by me. It was written by a friend of mine, and I tried to convince her to post it but she is shy; so she allowed me to post it for her on my page. Please, give her some encouragement to continue with the story by leaving reviews.
And as always: I own no rights to Law & Order SVU
She didn't know why she came here. Of all places, of all bars and meetings and hell, anywhere, she didn't know why she decided that this was the place for her to show up. She hadn't had a drop of alcohol, but she damn well wanted one. Maybe two drops. Or a few thousand drops.
She wasn't an alcoholic, she rarely drank when she gambled, but, it's just that one sip of whiskey that puts the idea that It'd be a good idea to gamble away her life savings. So instead of drinking tonight, possibly stumbling into a casino, losing money, waking up with a raging headache and an empty bank account, she finds herself standing outside the entrance of her Lieutenant's Manhattan apartment.
They weren't terribly close. They just became friends actually. Genuine friends, she thinks. Her actions in the past gave her boss reason to distrust her, and she knew that it was the right call. In their line of work, one could never be too careful.
But now, she's reaching for her 'friend's' door buzzer, telling herself not to and just go to a meeting instead.
So she presses the button, and a few minutes later, her boss's husky voice is ringing through the chilly night air.
"Hello?"
She's frozen for a second, but quickly grasps her bearings, "Uh.. Yea, Hi, Olivia.. I-"
"Amanda? That you? What're you doing here?" Olivia's voice is laced with sleep and it occurs to amanda that it's late and they'd all gone home relatively early, and Olivia is probably catching up on some much needed sleep.
"Shit.. yea, it's me. Listen, if you were asleep I could just come back or like call or something."
There's some static and a pause, but moments later, she hears a buzz then a click, "Come on up."
And with that, the green light next to Olivia's door number goes off.
Amanda shakes her head and pushes through the door, silently making her way up to her superior's door. She tries not to think about what she's going to say, taking the quick alone time to clear her head and gather herself before entering Olivia's home.
The time is too short though, and before she knows it, she's at Olivia's door.
She lifts her hand to knock, but the door swings open, revealing a comfortably dressed, tired mother and her child, holding what looks like a sippy cup of milk in his small fingers. "We were just about to finish up story time, weren't we, sweet boy?" Olivia cooes, no sign of irritation in her demeanor and voice.
Noah nods enthusiastically. "Uh huh. Mama read boos coos. You lis'n to stowy too?"
Amanda's heart melts as she watches the little boy take another sip from his Thomas The Train sippy, hazel eyes wide and so, so innocent. Amanda smiles and looks at Olivia, "Boos Coos?" She smirks, eyebrow cocked in amusement.
Olivia smiles, moving away from the doorway to let her detective in, "Hey, Blues Clues is his favorite thing right now. 'Steeb' is his idol." She kisses the soft brown hair on her son's head, then sets him down. "Why don't you get your book, baby, and we can read in here with Amanda?"
"I get two books?" He gazes at his mother, doey eyes working their magic.
Amanda chuckles at how soft Olivia is with him. The kid's got her wrapped around his little finger.
"Okay, my love. Just two, then it's bedtime for my little Blue."
Noah runs towards his room, barking like a puppy, and this time, Amanda can't help but laugh out loud. "That's so cute, Liv. Blue is the dog right?"
Olivia sits down on the sofa, motioning for Amanda to join her, and she does, sitting on the other side of the plush couch. "Yea. Noah has this idea in his head that Steve, the guy in the books and show, does the same thing that I do since he looks for clues to solve mysteries. So Noah said that I can be Steve and he's Blue and we'll solve mysteries every night."
Amanda witness the smile that's made it's way across her boss' face, and is in awe. Olivia Benson truly is a terrific mother.
Moments later, Noah speeds out of his bedroom and makes his way to Olivia and Amanda, "I get TWO books!" He says proudly, handing one to Amanda and one to his mother. "Dis for you to read. Dis for mommy."
Olivia looks at Amanda, "Oh, you don't have to, I can-"
"No, no, it's okay Liv. Do you want to go first or should I?"
Olivia pulls her son up in between them, the small boy instinctively leaning against his mother. "You can go first, he's usually asleep by the middle of the second book."
And it was true, because no more than 20 minutes later, Olivia was tucking her son into bed, having stopped the book she was reading to Noah when the two adults noticed that he'd fallen asleep.
When she was sure her son was not going to wake up, she made her way back into the living room. "So, detective. What brings you by? I senses something is wrong."
Leave it to Olivia to get right to the point. Amanda nervously bit her lip, shrugging slightly before leaning back against the couch cushion. "I really don't know.. I just.. I was at home, ready to have a glass of whiskey to calm my nerves, and then my mind went to "You know every time you drink that, you feel the urge to gamble." Then, I just.. I don't know. I left my apartment, started walking to a casino, but I ended up here instead."
Olivia scoots a bit closer to Amanda, listening intently. She tilts her head, as if contemplating her words, then takes a deep breath, "Well, first I want to say that I'm proud of you. That you didn't go to a casino, and that you came here. You are welcome here anytime you need support. Secondly, I want you to know that I know what an addiction can do to someone. My mother was horrible. She was angry, she didn't seek help like you did. All she did was drink, and it's life ruining. The fact that you stopped yourself from drinking that whiskey, and stopped yourself from going anywhere that would cause you to lapse, is amazing."
Amanda was shocked. That was the only rational word for what she just heard. She'd honestly expected a "well that's what Gamblers Anonymous meetings are for" kind of response.
Amanda scratches her brow and sighs, "See, I usually go to meetin's when I'm feeling.. You know. The urge. I just.. I felt like that was too routine. I don't know how to word it right."
"I completely understand, Amanda. You need the support of someone who cares about you. A real friend. Meetings like those, although very helpful, are directed at a group of people. I mean it when I say that you're welcome over here anytime you like." Olivia says sympathetically, placing a hand on Amanda's knee.
Amanda lets out a shaky breath, her eyes burning with the warning of tears. "I just.. I don't know why I want to do it still. It's not fun anymore. There's no rush, there's no adrenalin that comes with it. I don't know why my mind is telling me I have to do it."
Olivia nods, her fingers squeezing the younger woman's knee. "Is there something that I can do right now? Would you like to stay here for the night?"
Amanda shakes her head, "Oh.. No I can't impose like that. I already showed up unannounced. I-"
"Don't give me that, detective." Something in the older woman's voice sent a shiver down Amanda's spine. "You're already here. You aren't imposing, I asked you." The demanding, yet soft tone filled Amanda's body with a set of completely different emotions.
She was shocked with herself. Shocked and disappointed to realize that what the Lieutenant just made her feel was arousal.
The younger woman chalked it up to being attracted to the kind of care and support Olivia was providing. That's it.
"Alright, fine… I'll take the couch." She smiles tightly.
Olivia nods, "I have some yoga pants and a shirt you can sleep in." She pats Amanda's knee twice before moving to get up.
Amanda wishes she could blame her actions on alcohol.
Because before her boss has time to even get off the couch, Amanda has her hands in soft brown locks, her lips pressed tightly against the older woman's. She immediately regrets her actions, feeling Olivia tense up. She's about to pull away, she's about to apologize profusely. She's about to-
Fuck.
She feels Olivia relax into the kiss. Feels soft fingers dance across her cheek, then grip her jaw firmly. She feels the tip of a hot, wet tongue brush against the seam of her lips. She feels aroused.
It's mere moments before their tongues are entwined, bodies pressed tightly together, hands running through tresses.
The thought hit her like a freight train; She'd just started a makeout session with her boss.
All other thoughts but that one flee her brain. Thoughts of drinking and gambling and even stopping this inappropriate behavior, gone. Because dammit, Olivia Benson was damn well kissing her just as fiercely.
Olivia's tongue caresses the roof of her mouth, her teeth tugging at her bottom lip before completely pulling away, breath bated. "Amanda-" She murmurs, her hands softly running down her neck, coming to rest on her shoulders. "Amanda, you're upset.."
Realization slams down on her. Jesus. She'd come to the older woman's house unannounced, stayed for bedtime stories with her son. Unloaded her problems onto Olivia. And then, on top of all of that, kissed her.
"Oh, God.." She mutters, pulling away from the brunette. "I am so sorry, Olivia.. I-"
"Hey, stop. I didn't stop you. Okay? I just think that maybe.. Maybe your state of mind right now isn't in the best place for you and I to be intimate.. Why don't we just go to sleep, and we can talk some more in the morning."
Amanda was truly amazed at how stoic Olivia could stay in awkward situations.
"I shouldn't have kissed y-"
Olivia's lips were against hers again, her wet tongue swiping across her top lip briefly before she pulls away slightly. "I.. didn't.. Stop you.." She whispers slowly, eyes dark.
Amanda nods, looking down at her shaky hands.
Olivia stands up, running her hands over her yoga pant clad hips, "Let me go get you something to sleep in. The bathroom's right over there if you need it.."
The blonde mutters a polite "thanks", standing up as well.
She hadn't expected Olivia to be so… Okay.. with the impromptu kiss. She hadn't even expected the older woman to kiss her back. Could it be that Olivia shared the attraction? Obviously if she kissed back, there was some attraction there.
Or maybe Olivia just really liked kissing? That couldn't be it, the older woman hardly seemed like the type to let just anyone kiss her.
God, everything was so fucked up.
"You're a bit smaller than I am but they should fit you.." Olivia murmured, quiet so as not to wake her sleeping son.
Amanda couldn't stop the red tint that took her cheeks, "I'm sure they'll be fine. Thank's Liv…" She wanted to apologize for kissing her again, because the more she thought about it, the more embarrassing it was.
"No problem. I'm gonna head to bed but my door is open so.." The look Amanda got from Olivia was unmistakable. It was an open invitation into the older woman's bedroom.
Jesus.
"Night, Liv." Amanda says quietly, unmoving from her spot in front of the couch. She honestly didn't know how to act around her boss anymore. Not since that kiss only moments before.
Olivia smiles and turns, walking into her bedroom, leaving Amanda alone with her thoughts.
Amanda let's her eyes slip closed for a second, basking in the aloneness. She takes a deep inhale, intoxicated by the scent of Olivia all around her. A vanilla-foresty like smell.
She shakes her head, a sigh escaping her lips. As she changes quickly into the clothes Olivia lent her, she thinks about how stupid she feels.. how stupid she is.
Olivia is way out of her league. If she was being honest with herself, they weren't in the same ball park. Olivia was Major League BaseBall and Amanda was Pee Wee T-Ball. Olivia had a few years on her.. almost a full decade. Not that it mattered any. But the level of wisdom and maturity was most likely very different.
Olivia was a legend even before Amanda became a detective. She looked up to the older woman before transferring to New York. She'd read about some of Benson's cases.. Studied her case closures, her techniques.
She laid down on the couch, draping the throw blanket over her body.
She honestly didn't know what to do.
….
It couldn't have been more than 2-3 hours since she'd fallen asleep before she woke up, her craving stronger than it was before. She was half asleep, but the urge was as strong as it was in her earlier days. She was sweating through her- Olivia's- shirt.
She slipped off the couch and made her way into the kitchen, deciding to open a window for a second. Cool her heated skin, get fresh air in her lungs.
She inhaled the cool autumn air, feeling slightly less hot, but no change in what had her up at this time of night. She leaned against the kitchen counter, her hands braced on the cool granite countertop.
"It's not worth it.." She whispered, the words so familiar to her, they were like an old friend. Sometimes they worked, sometimes she tried to prove them wrong. Tonight, she was nowhere near proving them wrong, only hoping that they'd quell her desire to gamble.
"It's not worth it." She repeats, her breathing deep, fingertips white from pressing into the counter.
"What's not worth it?" A tired, raspy voice interrupts. Immediately, Amanda tenses. She spins around, blue eyes meeting brown ones in the dim street light shining in from outside.
She can't speak, she can only stare. Tears well in her eyes. She feels guilty. For wanting to gamble, for ruining her boss's night. For being such an underfoot, bothersome, basket case.
"I-I.. It's so pathetic, Olivia…" She chokes out, fists clenching and unclenching. "I just can't control it sometimes.. I can-n't stop myself from wanting to." She can feel the steady stream of tears running down her cheeks.
Olivia moves closer, her warm fingers brushing the tears away from the blonde's cheeks. "It's not pathetic, Amanda.. It's an addiction that you're trying to kick. It's not easy. There's going to be withdrawals.. good days and bad ones.. The best you can do is try to stay strong and remind yourself that you don't need to do it." Olivia's voice was thick with sleep, mesmerizing and calming.
"I wish I knew you the first time I tried to quit.." Amanda sniffles, attempting humor.
"I'm here now," she husks, hands brushing down Amanda's arms, stopping at her hands.
Amanda is the one to interlace their fingers together though, pulling the older woman closer. She immediately senses Olivia's hesitation, and she respects the hell out of the older woman for trying to not take advantage of an upset woman. But Amanda wasn't fragile. She was a woman with needs. The need to gamble quickly being surpassed by the need for a feeling other than withdrawal, other than sadness and weakness.
Amanda shakes her head, taking a hand out of Olivia's and wrapping it around the older woman's waist, bringing their bodies together.
"Amanda…" Olivia murmurs darkly, The fingertips of her free hand brushing blonde locks away from the younger woman's lips. "We can't do this if one of us regrets it in the morning.." Her eyes dip to Amanda's lips and the blonde feels a rush of liquid between her legs at the primal look in Olivia's dark eyes.
Amanda's hand caresses Olivia's back through the soft grey t-shirt, then moved down to her round behind, squeezing the supple flesh, their lower halves pressing together. "I'm not going to regret this, not with you.. are you going to regret it?"
Olivia's mouth drops slightly at the contact. Her dark eyes searching cobalt blue ones, seeing only truth. "No.. I'm not going to regret it."
With the urge still close to the forefront of her mind, she's quick to attach her lips to Olivia's, desperate to forget she ever gambled completely.
Something told her that bedding Olivia Benson was something that required full, unbridled attention.
Their mouths melded together, no start of one's lips, and no end of the other's. Olivia let out a gasp when Amanda pushed her against the counter, the younger woman's hands immediately venturing under Olivia's shirt.
It was only hot kisses and warm skin and breathy moans then, and it was exactly how what Amanda needed. It was her new craving. An addiction she'd be okay with having.
Nothing seemed more addicting than the sweet paradise between Lieutenant Benson's legs.
She knew- just knew- that one taste of the brunette, she'd be forever hooked. It was inevitable.
"Is your bedroom door still open?" Amanda breathes, her hands cupping bare breasts under Olivia's sleep shirt, filling her palms with soft, warm flesh.
Olivia's head dips back, her nails digging into Amanda's back, "uh huh.." her mouth drops open again, and it's quite the sight.
Before Amanda can utter another word, Olivia's head snaps back up, her hands weaving into her hair, pulling Amanda's lips to her. Her tongue is a force to be reckoned with. It pushed through the younger woman's lips, claiming what was, no doubt, now hers.
Amanda fingers Olivia's pert nipples, squeezing and tugging, feeling them tighten.
Olivia moves her mouth down over Amanda's chin, her tongue making a fiery trail down her neck. Her teeth graze the base of Amanda's throat, her mouth lapping and suckling, surely leaving a mark.
One of Olivia's hands leave Amanda's hair, the other staying, closing roughly around the strands, effectively tugging Amanda's head back, giving herself more skin to taste.
She could come right now, Amanda thinks, just by the way Olivia is unashamedly demanding.
But this was about her, about the addiction that she's trying to to forget, and the only way, she thinks, is to have her face buried firmly between Olivia's supple thighs. Coaxing orgasm after orgasm out of the Seasoned Leader of SVU.
Forget about her own pleasure, she'd forego cumming forever if it meant watching Olivia scream with pleasure, fully at the mercy of her mouth and fingers.
"Olivia," Amanda grinds out, "Bedroom."
Olivia pulls away, lips swollen, breath heavy. "Let's go." She turns away from Amanda, pulling the grey t-shirt off as she walks back into her bedroom.
The sight propels Amanda, quickly following the caramel skinned brunette.
She enters her boss's room, stopping to take in the view in front of her.
Olivia is shirtless, full breasts on display. She's on the bed, sitting back on her calves, hands settled loosely on her thighs.
"I can't believe this is happening." Amanda mutters, leaning against the doorframe. She nibbled on a fingernail as she drinks in the unbelievable sight in front of her.
"It's not yet.." Olivia murmurs, "but it can be if you lose the clothes and join me." She pats the bed, then scoots back to rest against the headboard.
Amanda wastes no time, shedding the shirt and yoga pants, leaving just her simple white bra and panties to cover her most intimate parts.
She climbs on top of Olivia, fingering the waistband of burgundy yoga pants the older woman sports, then pulls them down long legs, discarding them somewhere across the room.
Olivia bites her lip, a leg slipping between Amanda's, "How do you want it, Detective..?" She whispers, her fingers trailing along her slim waist.
Amanda keeps eye contact, but does not answer. She lowers her lips to Olivia's bare breast, taking a hard nipple into her mouth, sucking hard.
A deep moan rips from Olivia's throat, her back arches and head is thrown back.
Amanda pulls back slightly, blowing a steady stream of cool air on the wet, sensitive flesh. "That. I want to make you repeat that noise until you're not able to." She husks darkly, switching nipples, giving the opposite one the same attention.
Amanda lips her other leg between Olivia's, forcing the brunette to widen hers. She can feel how wet Olivia is, and God help her, it was all for her.
She knew Olivia was one for control, that she was testing the older woman's ability to just let things happen, and she was grateful for that kind of power. Olivia would not go unrewarded for her generosity.
"I want to taste you, Olivia." Amanda whispers shakily, the arousal she was feeling growing at an overwhelming pace.
The only response she got was the widening of Olivia's legs more.
She smiled, trailing kisses down Olivia's body, stopping occasionally to suck hard, leaving a trail of red marks down her belly and navel.
Sure, it was childish, but it was going to be hot as hell to look at after they're done.
Amanda slips Olivia's panties down her legs, tossing them with the discarded leggings. She could immediately smell the effects of all of her teasing. The arousal that seeped out of the older woman.
She couldn't wait. She couldn't even warn Olivia. Within seconds, her mouth was latching onto Olivia's hot center. tongue flicking her clit, then dragging down to her wet opening.
Fucking paradise.
Hooked.
Addicted.
Her lips would forever be branded with the intoxicatingly sweetness of Olivia's wetness.
She heard muted whimpers, and was confused for a moment, until she realized Olivia's thighs closed around her head. Good God.
She pushed the older woman's legs apart, letting her hook one over her shoulder. She wrapped a hand around that thigh, holding it in place, while the other hand moved up Olivia's body to cup a perfect breast.
She sucked Olivia's clit hard, tongue flicking rapidly over the sensitized bud.
A strangled "Yes!" ripped from Olivia's lips, followed by a moan that was slightly higher pitched than the other guttural ones.
She couldn't resist, taking her hand away from the older woman's breast, instead pushing two fingers inside of the brunette's throbbing center.
Olivia's fingers weave back into Amanda's hair, pulling roughly, keeping the blonde mounted right there, between her tan thighs. Unashamedly grinding her sex against Amanda's eager mouth and fingers.
A few rough strokes, a few hard sucks, and Olivia was coming. Hard. Her back arched, mouth and eyes wide, short, high pitched moans escaping with every breath.
Olivia's quivering legs fell limply apart, letting Amanda know that the older woman was spent.
"You taste exquisite, Lieutenant," Amanda murmured, licking her fingers clean.
A weak breath escaped Olivia's lips. "I have a rather embarrassing confession, Detective," Olivia rasped, propping herself up on her elbows.
"Yeah?" Amanda arches an eyebrow, kissing her way back up the older woman's body.
"I've never been with a woman… and I've never come that hard… In my life."
"I'll make you do it over and over.. but right now, sleep is what we need.." Amanda says, kissing Olivia's swollen lips.
"What about you?" Olivia asks, trailing her fingers down Amanda's back tiredly.
"All I want right now is to fall asleep next to you. By don't think you're off the hook, I expect to see what your mouth and fingers can do as a first timer as soon as we wake up." She smiled seductively at the older woman.
Olivia nods, wrapping her arms around Amanda before settling into bed.
They're both almost asleep when Amanda remembers something. "Should we lock the door or get dressed or something?"
Olivia hums, obviously closer to sleep than Amanda was, "No… Noah knows to knock before coming in. We'll be okay."
"Okay."
Amanda let's out a content sigh. The urge to gamble is still there, but it's not strong nor overbearing.
She knows it'll take time. She knows it won't be easy. But she has Olivia now, and that's all she needs.