Note: This is pure crack, really. I think a bad smut piece inspired me to write it, since I sat there trying to puzzle out the logistics of what just happened and came up with a mildly plausible, if somewhat odd idea of what could have made it logical.
I'd like to thank Ane. S. Thesia for beta-ing.
Tsunade clicked her nails against her desk, for once devoid of paperwork. Furtively, she glanced around, confirming that for once she had no work and was quite alone. They probably wouldn't realize she had completed all the paperwork for a while yet, and in that time she could sneak in a drink. Her hand opened the lowest drawer in her desk and reached in, her fingers brushing the cool ceramic bottle-
"Tsunade-sama!"
Irritably, Tsunade shut the drawer with a snap. Sometimes she had to wonder if Shizune had her under surveillance, or just had an incredibly lucky (unlucky if you were Tsunade) sense of timing.
"What is it, Shizune?" she asked, propping herself up on her hands.
Shizune paused, eyeing the room suspiciously, "Tsunade-sama, what happened to all the paperwork?"
"Izumo and Kotetsu took it all away," Tsunade said, waving it off dismissively.
Shizune's eyes narrowed and she muttered under her breath, "you said that last time!"
Tsunade pretended she hadn't heard her, "what brings you to my office today, Shizune?"
"I was going over the documents we need for that training you authorized, and well…" Shizune trailed off, her hands fluttering nervously.
Frowning slightly, Tsunade tried to remember exactly what she had authorized over the past few weeks. Failing at that, she decided the best course was to take a gamble and fake it. "So?"
"Well, it seems the Sandaime neglected it- I don't think he understood just how delicate a situation it could be," Shizune explained, her hands gesturing helplessly.
"That doesn't sound like him." Tsunade frowned; her mentor and predecessor had been quite meticulous.
"Well, I think it was quite outside his range of experience."
"So what's the problem?" Tsunade asked, steepling her fingers in front of her.
"It's outdated." Shizune patiently said, as if it covered everything.
"Why didn't the teachers realize this?"
"Well, you see, it was Suzume and Yoshino." Shizune stated as if that made perfect sense.
Tsunade paused, the two names unfamiliar to her, her finger unconsciously tapping against her lip.
Shizune sighed, "I included the scrolls on them along with the other documents you'll need to review, Tsunade-sama." With that, Shizune motioned to a few chuunin waiting outside, who carried to Tsunade's desk a mountain of paperwork.
Groaning, Tsunade watched her well-meaning apprentice leave. She reached over and plucked the first scroll off the stack with distaste, unrolling it with a flick of her wrist and glanced down at the number of syllables in the first word. Her next move was for the sake- for something told that a scroll starting off with 'verboten to the masculine side, this area of expertise and growth is sadly neglected, and not at all instinctual as previous scholars hypothesized in…' meant it was going to be a long night.
It was by the tea and dango restaurant he saw them. Generally, he might have passed by the four girls with nothing more than a wolf whistle and a quick greeting, but something about the way they sat- hunched over, distressed looks on their faces –made Kiba decide that some tea and dango would taste mighty fine at the moment.
Akamaru yipped in agreement by his feet.
Grinning, he entered the store and without hesitation dropped himself down into the seat between Ino and Tenten, his arms around their shoulders. "It must be my lucky day to get all four of you at once!" he exclaimed.
Usually the girls would laugh and say something insulting back. He waited, for they could be quite clever in what they threatened him with, (his favorite had something involving Genma's senbon in interesting places, along with telling Gai-sensei he would like specialized training, with said senbon in place), but today they barely glanced up from their cups of tea to say 'hello'.
That was another odd thing. His arms were still around the two girls. By now they would have shoved him off, or glared in such a way it was only wise to remove those limbs before they removed them for him. But today they just let them rest there, on their hunched shoulders. Kiba decided it would probably be in order to remove them now.
"Geez, what's gotten into you guys," he complained, grabbing a few skewers of dango, slipping a few of the balls down to Akamaru.
They continued staring at their mugs of green tea.
"Hey, that tea can't be more interesting than me!" he said, his mouth full of half-chewed dango. They still didn't say a thing; at behavior they usually frowned on and hit him for.
Sakura finally replied, "it's Tsunade-sama."
"Oh, what has she done this time?" Kiba asked, looking at the lukewarm tea and wondering if they would care, or even notice, if he drank theirs.
"It's not something she's done, but what she's going to do, Kiba-kun," Hinata supplied helpfully.
At his feet, Akamaru shifted, and Kiba had to wonder what Tsunade-sama's plans were, considering the condition of the four girls he sat with. "What exactly is it?"
They didn't answer, just reached down and at almost the same moment, swung something on the table. Kiba leaned in closer, to only see four pairs of black-heeled sandals in varying sizes.
"Wow," he said, picking up an exceptionally large pair of shoes, "who has feet this big?" he exclaimed, laughing.
A sharp elbow to his head was his answer, and he muttered thickly into the wood, "I'm sorry Ino-chan! I didn't know they were yours!"
Rubbing the back of his head, Kiba asked, "so you have new shoes? That's no reason to be all depressed. I thought you girls liked shopping."
They stared at him, until Tenten drew a scroll from her pocket and thrust it at him, "they're for kunoichi training."
KIba took the proffered scroll and skimmed through it, "still don't see why it's such a big deal. I mean, you guys just have to learn how to be feminine."
He had to duck the blows swung his way, even though they were halfhearted, he still bruised easily.
It was Sakura who spoke next, "did you happen to read the last paragraph, Kiba-kun?"
"Well yeah, there's a test on the stuff you learned. That's like…expected."
Akamaru yipped in agreement.
"Maybe you should read it again?" Hinata suggested softly.
He read it again, not quite believing his own eyes, "Ibiki Morino?"
They all nodded glumly, and it was Ino that put the awful facts into reality. "Our final test, Kiba, is to….to…"she faltered in her speech, but Tenten picked up on the train of thought.
"To seduce Ibiki Morino."
"Well not really," Sakura clarified, "pretend to. Practice our techniques seriously and he'll gauge how effective we are with them."
Kiba nearly gagged at the thought, and he was suddenly very glad that he was quite male. It was nothing against Ibiki, he was very good at his job, but he was an imposing man. Kiba couldn't help but recall his first chuunin exam, in which Ibiki had been one of the examiners. The man had terrorized a room full of genin with words alone. If Kiba had a choice, he would have gone through the Forest of Death alone then take another test with Ibiki as an examiner. Shuddering, the image of Ibiki without his head covering rose in his mind. Most shinobi didn't survive torture like that, and it was a wonder Ibiki had.
"Awww, girls, you'll do just fine. Why, I'll even help. You can practice on me!" He leaned back confidently, not noticing the looks exchanged by his female companions.
"Tenten, didn't you just mention that you needed a new training post since Lee-san broke your last one?" Sakura asked deceptively sweet.
Kiba shot forward.
"Why, Sakura, I do believe you're right." Tenten turned to examine Kiba over, a dangerous gleam in her eye.
Wriggling uncomfortably, he tried to put more distance between himself and Tenten. Someone, he suspected Ino, pushed him over so he was supine on the ground.
"Oh, Kiba-kun! Are you alright down there?" Hinata was leaning over the table, concern on her face.
"I'm fine," he reassured her, pulling himself back up using the table. "Now see, there is where you have a problem. That was a deliberate turn-off."
Sakura just looked at him, "Kiba-kun you are a turn-off."
To his dismay, more than just the girls at his table were giggling.
Sakura wasn't done yet, "we at least know how to act in front of civilized people."
"Sakura, give him a break." Why was Ino defending him? "I mean, look at him, he's not wearing that grungy, torn coat of his, now is he?"
This started a conversation between the two girls, quickly and mercilessly dissecting his wardrobe. Tenten was just pointing out the fact that he never brushed his hair, when Hinata held her hands out, trying to stop the girls in their ruthless dissection of everything Kiba related.
"He isn't all that bad, I mean, Kiba-kun and Akamaru always help me train."
That seemed to mollify the girls; soon they were even discussing what clothes would go best with the new shoes.
Kiba wasn't very interested in this and when Akamaru started to (gently) gnaw on his big toe, he made his excuses and left. Kiba, being Kiba, couldn't resist a parting shot.
"Remember, girls, I'm always here to, ah, help you with the skills you need to acquire." He blew a kiss over his shoulder and ran off, laughing as the thrown skewers fell to the ground, not even close to him or Akamaru.