The Mess that I've Made

Pairing: Dan and Serena

Summary: Dan struggles with the mess he has created by dating Blair. This is mostly a DS fic, so if you are a db fan this isn't the story for you.

Author's Note: As always a special thank you to my great beta Emma. This story will not be like my other fics where I try to incorporate other pairings.

Chapter 1:

Dan watches Blair walk down the hall, a small smile on his face until he saw the broken look in Serena's eyes. Something inside him catches. The look on her face fills him with a guilt that's been eating away at him for weeks.

She told me she loved me and I said nothing.

He told Blair he would leave because he didn't want to make this moment even more difficult for Serena, but seeing her like this made him want to reach out, say something. She was sad because of him and there was nothing he could do to take away her pain. Dan didn't even understand why this was weighing on his mind so heavily, but the idea that Serena was hurting because of something he did or said made him ache.

Blair did all the things required of a best friend, but Dan couldn't shake the feeling that she was overcompensating out of some over-arching sense of guilt. They were currently in limbo. Neither a couple nor not one. Dan dressed in the same suit that Alessandra had him fitted for when his book came out. He sat in the pew next to Blair who comforted a distraught Serena. Dan felt impotent. He wanted to be there for her, to reach out, to comfort her, but it was no longer his place. He was the guy her bestfriend was dating, but he knew they were more than that, much more.

He watched as she laid a single white rose on CeCe's casket before they lowered her into the ground. No one understood how much that woman meant to her as much as he did and all he could do was stand mutely in the background. Afterwards, they held a reception in CeCe's honor. The family was surrounded by friends, but he knew that glassy look in her eyes. So, Dan did the one thing that he knew he shouldn't, but he simply couldn't help himself. He pulled her away from the crowed and down the hall.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

Serena stiffened her back and put on that fake smile of hers. "I'm fine."

"Don't do that. Don't pretend with me," He demanded.

Her eyes began to water and she said, "Don't. Just go. Blair's waiting."

"Is this what we've become? Why can't we be friends?"

Serena smiled sadly at him and said, "This is the only way we can be. We were never just friends and now you're in love with my bestfriend."

In love? What did that even mean. Dan wasn't sure that's what he felt for Blair, but he knows its what he once felt for Serena.

"So, that means we can't be close? I thought we could talk about anything."

Serena turned around smoothed her skirt. She walked away from him and it was in that moment that Dan had begun to realize what he'd done. He thought he could have it all. His friendship with Serena and a relationship with Blair, but life was rarely that simple.

Serena spent the weeks following her grandmother's death living with her mom and Rufus. She couldn't stand the idea of seeing Dan and Blair together. It was too painful. Blair was over-compensating and she felt like if she stayed at the Waldorf's she'd be smothered by her fake-love. It's not that Blair didn't love her, but she rarely paid this much attention to her. She had barely left her side while she was burying her grandmother. While she appreciated the gesture, it made it difficult for her to breathe. Seeing her around Dan hurt more than she could ever put into words. She enjoyed being pampered by her mother, and getting to know her real cousin was a nice distraction. It was still so much to take in. Losing Dan, her grandmother and the person she thought was her cousin all at once. But, she was determined to move on with her life and creating distance between herself and the very source of her heartbreak was the best thing she could do.

"Hey, you look like you have a lot on your mind," Asked Charlie.

"I do."

"So, you still haven't talked to Blair? You know you can't hide out here forever."

"I know, but I don't think I could deal with living in that house, knowing that she was spending her nights with him."

"So, don't. New York is a big place and you're not exactly strapped for cash."

"You're right. I should move, we should move. Let's do it together," Serena said as she excitedly hugged Charlie. Her cousin was taken off-guard and said "What do you mean 'we'?"

"We can move in together. Trust me, hanging with Rufus and my mom gets boring after a while."

"I don't know. I love spending time with everyone, but this is all happening so fast," Charlie replied.

"Just think about it," Serena said as she went through a mental checklist of all the things she needed to get done.

Serena spent the next few weeks packing. She and Charlie had found a nice place on Morningside. They had looked at something a little more upscale, but this was something they could both agree on. The move was a great way for her to focus on anything other than Blair and Dan's burgeoning romance. There were the usual sightings on Gossip Girl that made her stomach lurch and the breath catch in her throat, but she was determined to focus on the future. She was in the middle of packing her third and final box, when she heard small tap on the door.

"You don't have to knock Blair. This is your house after all."

But, it wasn't Blair. His hair was getting longer and she could tell he had been running his fingers through his dark mane.

"It's me."

She turned back to what she was doing in an effort to calm her emotions. Her hands were shaking and she couldn't seem to concentrate on what she was doing.

"Turn around," He whispered.

"I…. I can't."

"Serena this is silly," He said as he moved closer to her. He reached for her hands and held them between his. "You're shaking."

"I'm just tired."

Dan released her hands and made her look at him. What he saw devastated him. She looked like she was on the brink of tears and he knew that this had everything to do with him.

"You don't have to move out because of me."

"It's a fresh start. It's better this way."

Dan ran a frustrated hand through his hair and said, "You keep saying that, but you're not convincing anyone. You can't just runaway, pretend that this isn't happening."

"What am I supposed to do? Watch my bestfriend be with the only man I've ever loved? Well I can't. Just cause you turned off your feelings for me, doesn't mean it's as easy for me to do the same."

She looked at him pleading for him to say something, anything, but all she got was the silence of his guilty gaze.

"It's not like that. It's not that simple," He said.

"Then explain it to me. Explain how you could just stop loving me so easily."

Serena's anger began to take hold and she grabbed the first thing she could find; a picture of them in junior year and tossed it at him.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Lashing out! No matter what I do it's not good enough. You don't want me, but you still want to keep me close and that's not fair. Dammit, it's not fair to me."

He grabbed her wrist and held her body against his. He could feel the heat radiating from them both and he knew that he was in trouble. Before he realized it, he was kissing her, his hands in her hair as she clung to him. Her heart was beating and all she knew was that what she was doing was wrong, so she reluctantly pushed him away.

"I can't do this. Dan, you have to leave."