Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans or any of the characters.
The silence on the Titans Tower rooftop that evening was eerily peaceful and ironically quiet in comparison to the bustling streets that it overlooked and protected. The sun was low in the sky causing the waves around the island to reflect the light and create a beautiful sight for the young woman who was sitting there to behold. Her violet hair swayed angrily in the breeze which caught the shoulder-length locks as it blew past and her dark blue cloak did little to prevent goosebumps from appearing on her bare, slender legs, but still she sat, just staring out at the ocean. Were it not for the strong grip with which she subconsciously held the envelope in her hand, the wind would have snatched it from her grasp and delivered it far away from her.
Robin, being the stealth detective that Bruce Wayne had raised him to be, watched Raven from the doorway leading back inside the Titans abode without being noticed. He'd wandered up to the roof earlier, having not seen Raven at dinner, to find her and see if she was hungry. It wouldn't have been the first time in the six years they'd been living together that she forgot to eat because she was in a meditative trance so he'd thought nothing of it when he started his journey from the Common Room to her bedroom. However, upon arriving at the entrance and knocking he realised that she wasn't there. The only other place she would be was the roof. While ascending the staircase that lead from the eighth floor to the rooftop, he suddenly felt bitter sadness take over his mind. Falling to his knees he massaged the temples of his head to try and ease the ache that stopped as suddenly as it had started. Worriedly, he ran up the stairs two at a time until he reached the top and slowly pushed the door ajar and saw his teammate sitting near the edge of the roof, her legs folded as if she was meditating. Breathing a sigh of relief, he took one step through the doorway towards her but froze when he heard a sound he hadn't heard since Trigon had ruthlessly taken over the world; Raven crying.
So now, thirty minutes later, he was still there just silently watching her. Raven had always been an enigma to him despite the fact that they were now in their early twenties and had spent practically every day living together. As his second-in-command, they spent extra time strategising and from this he'd learned that they were extremely similar: both determined, strong, eager to improve, never settling for second best. It was these qualities that made her an excellent Titan and friend. She may not show it on the outside like Starfire, but Raven loved them all more than she'd ever understand and it was because of the rare public displays of affection she'd reveal that they were treasured by him as well as the others.
Raven still hadn't stopped sobbing, causing his brow to crease. Deciding he'd been statuesque for long enough he started walking towards her. When he reached her side he sat down, his legs dangling over the edge of the rooftop, and put a welcome arm around her shaking shoulders, pulling her into his side. Unfortunately this did little to silence her sobs.
"What's up?" he sighed, rubbing his green-gloved hand up and down her bare arms. He didn't fail to notice the tiny dimples running along her ashen skin.
"My mother, she's dead."
Robin's breath caught in his throat, astonishment grabbing his lungs and refusing to let go as memories of his own parent's demise flooded from his long-term memory into the short. Even though it was many years prior to the present day he could still hear his mother's cry as she fell to the ground in the stuffy circus tent surrounded by stunned spectators; the smell of his father's expensive cologne mixing itself with the coppery scent of the blood that seconds before had been powering his body but at that moment was pouring from a head wound like water from a fountain. He was so immersed in his thoughts that he almost missed Raven's voice asking him a question.
"How should I feel? Because this... this sadness is too much to bare Robin. I can't-" Robin interrupted her by softly putting his hand under her chin and turning her head so she was facing him.
"Shhh, Raven. This is exactly how you should be feeling."
"I hate it!"
"I know, trust me. But I promise you if you let it out now you'll feel better and then we can talk about everything. Okay?"
Raven nodded her head hurridly, tears still streaming from her amethyst eyes. It seemed never-ending, the ache in her chest. Rationally she knew it was the emotional toll this news was putting her body under; her heart was pumping faster in order to get essential oxygen around her body in order to avoid it shutting down from stress. But she wasn't thinking rationally. Nothing was rational anymore. How could it be when the one woman, the one amicable link to her past on Azarath, was no longer there? Suddenly, breathing felt difficult, the stress finally suffocating her. She gasped, clutching her throat as if it would relieve the pain as the envelope settled on the ground beside her. Through the haze that was beginning to overtake her vision she saw Robin, calm as anything, trying to help her.
"Raven, let go of your neck," he lightly commanded, putting his hands on hers and pulling gently, then harder when she unconsciously refused to let go. "Focus on your breathing, in and out, in and out." He watched as she continued to struggle. "Look at me." She did. "You're okay, I'm right here."
She nodded, listening as the panic attack continued. Like he'd said, Robin stayed right there in front of her, simply staring at her as she did her absolute best to control and regulate her breathing. He smiled encouragingly but behind his mask his eyes emulated fear; right now he had to show strength and stability for her as her world crumbled apart.
Minutes had passed when she finally stopped gasping, the sharp ache dulling into a numbing interference. She relaxed into Robin's side once more, utterly exhausted from her short ordeal.
"See, you're stronger than you think. You'll get through this, I promise," he smiled. He placed a delicate kiss on the top of her head. However, as he raised himself up he noticed the envelope that Raven had discarded accidently. He picked it up, examining it; the stained brown paper, the rectangular shape, the name of the woman in his arms written in gorgeously neat calligraphy and nothing more.
"May I?" he asked her. She nodded so he carefully unsealed the already opened envelope and pulled out a folded piece of paper, the same colour as its protective layer.
Dearest Raven, daughter of Trigon the Terrible,
I wish this letter finds you well on Earth as it contains terrible news. Unfortunately today, on the Eighth Day of Lyporis, your Mother Arella has sadly come to pass. Prayer ceremonies in the name of the almightly Azar have been conducted so that your Mother's soul may reach the zenith of Metrion. As devastating as this news is, rejoice that Arella is finally at peace.
Azar be with you.
It didn't say who wrote the short letter. It didn't need to. She didn't care anyway when the message it contained was the forethought. Robin sighed, sliding the letter back in the envelope and handing it to its intended audience.
"Azar be with me." Raven whispered, crunching up the letter and throwing it over the rooftop into the depths of the Jump City strait where it would be destroyed by the salt water and transported into the North Pacific Ocean never to be read again.
"Azar be with you and Arella." Robin followed, enveloping Raven in a hug. She started crying again at the sincerity of Robin's prayer.
"Thank you Robin. I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for!"
"Yes I do. I made you think about your family; relive the pain all over again."
"I relive the pain everyday Raven, that's the thing when your Mum and Dad die in front of you. You can't escape it." Honestly, it had been a while since he'd thought of his parents but Raven didn't need to know that. She was grieving enough.
"How did you feel?"
'Did?' Robin thought to himself when hearing her question.
"You mean 'do'? Raven, this isn't something that's ever going to go away. I wish I could tell you that it will but then I'd be a liar and a lousy leader for misleading you. I'll take my grief to the grave. Every memory I have of that night will haunt me until I take my last breath. It's what drives me every day to fight the evils we face in this world and it's what made me who I am today. My parents made me into a hero." He answered, ironically thinking about how Raven's son-of-a-bitch demon father made her into the hero she was today.
"Okay then, how do you feel about it?"
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"
"As a leader or a friend?"
"I like to think by now that they've combined, the latter having more importance seeing as we've had each other's backs for six years." Raven said nothing in reply. "How do you feel about it, Raven? About Arella?"
At that moment, Raven honestly couldn't put into words how she felt. Physically, she felt exhausted, drained, empty. Emotionally, her other selves were running riot in Nevermore so much so that her powers were temporarily paralysed. She didn't need to tell Robin that though, knowing that he was clever enough to have already realised that nothing had been destroyed on the rooftop during their time up there due to the news.
"I honestly don't know. It's frustrating!" she whispered, suddenly feeling a rush of anger. She formed a fist and started punching the concrete to her right. At her action Robin took his hand from her shoulder and held her hand to cease the self inflicting movement.
"You'll hurt yourself."
"Everything hurts, might as well add my hand into the equation!"
"I've never known you be so attention seeking Raven." Robin said coyly.
"My freaking Mother died Robin!"
"I know, now talk to be about her," he challenged.
"What if I don't want to?"
"You need to."
"You bastard!"
"Yes," he agreed, not at all offended by her off-the-hand remark. He'd noticed long before that she was working her way through the generic stages of grief. Although he hadn't witnessed denial, he could bet that she was refusing to accept the truth the letter beheld when she'd first received it. Her tears showed the sadness and depression which would no doubt get worse in the upcoming days. Now she was at anger. However he'd learned from his own experiences that talking about his parents helped massively. That's why he was pushing her, knowing in the greater picture that it would help her overcome the desire to punch, tear and destroy everything around her especially when her powers came back into play. "Now, tell me about her."
"Tell you what exactly? How she was raped by Trigon and gave birth to me! Or how about how she was shunned by the monks of Azarath and banished from the temple for being 'romantically' involved with a demon! Oh, and then there was the time when I was taken from her because they didn't deem her a fit mother as she couldn't control my emotions! How's that?"
As she ended her anger-fuelled speech, Robin couldn't help but admire Raven even more. For a twenty-two year old she had been through more than an old person should, and yet she always had her head held high despite the years of agonising suffering she had been through, the weight of which would have Atlas doubting his own strength.
"I had no idea," was all he could say.
"No one does," she sighed feeling more defeated than she did an hour ago when she'd first come up here to convince herself that all of his was someone's idea of an unfunny joke, that none of it was true. She stood up, ready to go inside and lock herself away.
"One night when I was eleven I couldn't sleep." Robin stated, making Raven pause with her hand on the door knob. "I had a bad feeling that something wasn't normal, so I decided to investigate. I crept down the corridors listening for unfamiliar noises when suddenly I heard shouting coming from my parent's bedroom. I stopped outside the door and listened as my Dad confessed to kissing another woman at a charity gala for the protection of circus animals. My mother was so heartbroken that she rushed out of the room, not even noticing me." Robin didn't know why he was retelling this story, but he felt she had to hear it to understand. He continued as Raven turned around to face him. "I went to bed, disbelieving that my Dad would behave in such a way when he was happily married to my Mum. Anyway, hours later I was still plagued by my thoughts and wide awake. Mum came stumbling into my room. She reeked of cheap whisky and cigarettes. She sat on my bed and proceeded to slur horrible stories about what a bastard my Dad was; how he had kissed other women and lied when he'd cancelled our Father/Son days out so he could go drinking with his friends. She made him seem like a complete loser and at eleven, I was devastated that my Dad was supposedly not the man he was to me."
Robin walked towards Raven, who was looking down at the floor as she processed his story.
"But, I choose not to think about what my Mum told me that night. I think about when she told me fantastical stories of what had happened at the circus that day. I think about the days out I did have with my Dad and the fun we had going to the arcades, and when I went to work with them and they let me have a go on the flying trapeze and ride Eleanor the Elephant around the ring when the Ringmaster was asleep. I remember how my Mum cuddled me and kissed my head when I fell off the giant's back and choose to forget how my Dad smacked me for being so stupid as to fall in the first place."
"You're right," Robin whispered in her ear. "No one could ever understand what you've been through and what Arella went through. But I'm sure if you took a moment to focus on the good memories instead of the bad ones you'd understand just how much Arella loved you."
"You mean 'loves'." Raven deadpanned, thinking back to earlier when Robin accused her of talking in the past tense.
Robin smiled, understanding her meaning. "Yes, I mean 'loves'."
"There was this one time during the Summertise when she snuck into the temple gardens to see me. I was still young and didn't have control of my powers yet so I was training my mind by meditating by the water lilies. I remember hearing her call out my name but it couldn't have been her as Azar said we couldn't be in contact until I was in complete control. But I opened my eyes anyway and there she was in a long, flowing white dress; her violet hair dancing in the wind." Raven laughed lightly, unconsciously smiling at the memory. The picture became even more vivid in her mind. "I ran over to her so fast that I got a cramp in my leg! I fell into her arms and she hugged me so tight that my ribs hurt. She asked me if I was being well-behaved and listening to Azar and the priestesses and she wanted to know if I was missing her. I said that I was missing her as much as she missed me. She said, 'Well, then you're missing me more than you know young Raven.'"
"She sounds like an amazing woman, Raven." Robin smiled, putting a hand on her shoulder and massaging it. "Much like yourself."
"If I grow up to be half the woman she was, I'll die having lived an accomplished life."
"I don't doubt it."
The pair stood in silence, each reflecting on their own lives; their parents; how much they'd grown in what seemed like a short amount of time when really over a decade had passed since their respected memories.
"I really miss her, Robin." Raven confessed, sighing loudly and fighting the urge to cry once more even though she was sure there was no water left in her body to produce the necessary tears.
"I know you do. You will miss her every day. Your mind will think back on every memory and every conversion you had, wondering if you could have done anything differently that would affect the situation you're in now but nothing you could have done would have changed it. You will wish and pray that you could take her place when you can't. You will cry and scream hoping it'll bring her back but it won't. So I suggest you laugh and smile and thank Azar for the fact you had such a special woman in your life and as long as you do that you will always have your Mother with you."
It was now Raven's turn to admire her older friend. They'd both had their fair share of pain in the years they'd walked this Earth; it was one of the many reasons they were so close in comparison with the other Titans she shared her life with. But he was so secretive and closed-off from the world when it came to his personal life before the Teen Titans formed; she was honoured that he'd chosen to trust her with his stories about his parents. He was so wise beyond his twenty-three years.
"Thank you, for everything."
"You know where I am if you need anything, and I seriously mean anything."
"Of course. If you don't mind, I really don't want to talk to the others about this yet. I mean, I'm just not ready for their sympathies and attention. I want some time to think." Raven admitted, knowing that she would have to tell Starfire, Beast Boy and Cyborg eventually. All three of them would understand having been through their own tragedies also, but it wasn't the right time. Tomorrow, maybe but she'd wait for the time to come.
"I won't say a word but I'll tell them you need your space for tonight and for them not to bother you. Okay?"
"Okay." She nodded in agreement, thankful.
And with that, they both walked through the threshold and down the stairs back into the warmth and safety of their home. At the bottom of the stairs Robin would head to the left, no doubt going to the Common Room to find the others whilst Raven would walk to the right towards her bedroom. This did indeed happen, but not before the friends smiled at each other in gratitude. Raven stood taped to the spot until Robin rounded the corner and out of her sight.
Raven entered her bedroom, turning on the light manually, although it did little to luminate the dark space. She decided to light several candles and place them in various spots around the room. The candles reminded her of Azarath, particularly the temples where she'd been raised. She got straight into bed, curling into a foetal shape and pulling the covers around herself like a protective layer that would thwart off any bad memories that would come her way tonight. She sniffed, her mind instantly thinking about Arella and how she'd never see her again. But then Robin came into her view next to her Mother and she imagined him saying 'think of good memories', so she did. Her mind drifted back to the temple gardens; her Mother cuddling her and running her fingers through her hair; the smell of rosemary and lavender; the colour of the sky as they sat together and talked like neither of them had a care in world, nor that did they live apart. They were happy, together and she knew that as long as she had that special memory, one of many, her Mother would always be alive.