Title: Falalalala~lalalala
Rating: R
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Ianto, Jack; Jack/Ianto
Summary: AU. Immortal Time Travellers Jack and Ianto are interrupted in their Christmas celebrations to save Cardiff. Again.
Warnings: Sex, swearing
Disclaimer: If I owned Torchwood, the boys would have had more screentime together, more sex, and Ianto would still be alive.
A/N: Jaita - the name of Jack and Ianto's TARDIS. Written for the longliveianto Holiday Challenge, using the prompts: tinsel, snow angels and Victorian Christmas.
Ianto struggled against his bonds, to no avail. "Christ," he gasped, "stop being such a fucking tease."
"You're talking to wrong guy here."
"Jack! Just get on with it already!" Because if he didn't do that soon, Ianto was going to come, and besides that, the tinsel that Jack had used to tie Ianto up and was currently using to tickle his erection was beginning to get rather itchy.
"Okay, okay," said Jack, tossing a piece of tinsel over his shoulder. "Patience. God, I've turned you into a lust-crazed monster."
"Keep talking," Ianto growled, "and I'll show exactly how lust-crazed I am."
"Promises, promises," sang Jack as he positioned himself over his lover's erection and slowly sank down. Just as the tip of Ianto's cock brushed his entrance, a jolt ran through their TARDIS.
Jack fell onto Ianto. There was a pop.
"Fuck! Jack!"
Jack immediately leapt off his supine lover. "What? What happened, what's wrong?"
Sitting up, Ianto reached for his crotch to cradle his limp member. He glared at Jack. "You broke my penis."
"What?"
"Get out!" Ianto grabbed the nearest thing in reach, the bottle of lube, and lobbed it at his partner's head. "Out!"
The lube sailed past, inches from his head as Jack ducked just in time. "What!" he yelled again. "Why are you blaming me for this? Jaita-"
"OUT!" An alarm clock whistled past Jack's ear and he decided that it would be in his best interest to disappear for a while.
*~*~Fa, lalalala - lala,lala~*~*
Half an hour later, when Ianto stormed into the control room, Jack made sure that Jaita's control panel was well between him and his irate partner.
"Right, so what's the problem?" Ianto snarled, as pulled up Jaita's computer screen. "And for goddess sake, Jack, what did I say about decorating the controls with tinsel? All it does is get in the way."
"Well, pardon me for trying to get into the holiday spirit for once." Jack snapped back. "This is our first Christmas together in seven-hundred-and-fifty-four years so forgive me for making an effort to actually enjoy it."
"I was having a perfectly good time, until you decided to be a tease, broke my dick, and then dumped us in the middle of fucking nowhere!"
"19th century Cardiff. 1847, to be exact. And you can blame Jaita for dumping us here."
"That's it, blame the TARDIS, th-"
Stop it! You're behaving like children, the both of you! There was a distress call, now get your arses out and make yourselves useful!
"Jaita..." Jack began pleadingly.
Go! Both men found appropriate clothing flung at them, and they'd barely gotten dressed when the door opened and the floor rose beneath them and tipped them out into the snowy streets of Cardiff. To all the world it looked as though two drunken men had just fallen out of a hansom.
"She's beginning to sound more like you every day," Jack grumbled as he wrapped a scarf around his neck.
"You mean when she isn't swearing like you," retorted Ianto as he brushed snow off his coat. "Oi!" he yelled as the hansom's horse turned and attempted to nip his arm. "And she's getting cheeky too."
"She's spent the last two-hundred years with you, don't blame me for her cheek." Jack glared down the snow covered street. "What exactly are we doing here?"
"Jaita said there was a distress call," muttered Ianto, his breath misting in the cold. Through the white haze he exchanged a glance with Jack, then shrugged. "S'pose we could have a look around. Like old times."
Jack snorted. "Right. Like old times."
According Jack's wriststrap it was two-thirty in the afternoon, on the 17th of December and very obviously Christmastime, judging by the decorations in the shop windows.
Jack stopped at almost every window display, peering reminiscently through the glass. Occasionally he'd point something out while Ianto rolled his eyes and ran a scan on his own vortex manipulator to pinpoint exactly what they were looking for.
"You know what's wrong, Ianto?" said Jack as he watched his partner run another scan, his pocketwatch-disguised-vortex manipulator held out at arm's length. "There's no one here. The streets are empty, look. At this time of the year, at this time of the day, there should be loads of people running around, working, shopping. But they're all gone."
"Yes," agreed Ianto. "And we're receiving a non-Terran signal from the direction of Bute Park."
Unsurprisingly, half of Cardiff had already gathered round the glassy knoll where a distinctly alien vehicle was parked on what looked like the remains of a snowman. There was no panicking or bloodshed, Jack noted with relief. The occupants of the spaceship had clearly decided that venturing out was certainly not a good idea, and with any luck, they could pass this off as some kind of hoax.
"Ianto," he murmured, and felt his partner lean a little closer. "Listen, I have a plan..."
Twenty minutes later the crowd was distracted enough by a burning shophouse to allow Jack to sneak up to the ship and use the vortex manipulator to open the hatched. He slipped into the spaceship, hands held up in the universal gesture of "I'm unarmed", but he still wasn't very surprised to find a blaster pressed to the small of his back.
"I come in peace," he said in Galatic Standard. "And I can help. What is your problem?"
With Jaita's help he had no problem understanding them, but the Kolraxian's still needed translators to understand him properly.
"Just open a channel to my ship. She can tow you back to space, and I'll see if we can help with the repairs."
"But is this not a service station?" insisted their captain. "The signs were clear on the ground."
"Signs?"
The alien waved his tendrils. "Oh for goddess sake, there were signs all over the place, offering repairs."
*~*~Fa, lalalala - lala,lala~*~*
"Turns out that they thought the snow angels were repair signs," Jack told Ianto as they watched the Kolraxian spaceship zip away.
"Mmmm. They didn't seem very happy to learn that they'd crashed landed on a level 5 planet," said Ianto, wiping his greasy hands on a rag.
"Something about primitive lifeforms, with no disrespect to their galant rescuers." There was a smudge of soot on Ianto's cheek, which Jack rubbed away with his thumb. "There was no need to set that shop on fire."
Ianto shrugged, but leaned into what was becoming a caress across his cheek. "I compensated them for their loss."
Jack frowned. "That's not the point. It seems that Jaita's not the only one who'd been corrupted."
"Corrupted? Me?"
"Mmmhmm. That need's correcting."
"Oh dear. Are you going to punish me?"
"I say we continue where we left off. And I still have some tinsel left." That said, he looped a string of it around Ianto's waist and pulled him close. "And, I think Jaita's thanking us." He nodded upwards, and looking up, they both watched as a branch of mistletoe grew from one of the rafters exactly above them.
"She gets that from you, the suggestions and the innuendo."
"Really, Ianto. Wasn't that dungeon your idea?"
"John's actually," said Ianto as he leaned forward.
"Ah right, John," murmured Jack, his lips seconds away from his partner's. "Remind me to kill him the next time we see him."
fin
Further A/N: This takes place in a headmynon of mine where Jack and Ianto are immortals. All you need to know for this fic is that Jack and Ianto have a TARDIS called Jaita, and that in this fic, they've just gotten together again after several centuries, and aren't on the best of terms yet. Partly because in the past few decades, Ianto'd been hanging around with the wrong crowd, including one John Hart. I have more fics in this 'verse and may post them some day.