HEART OF CHAMBERS
Note: This takes place after the kiss in episode 3.04
Time felt like it stopped. I could still hear the cheers and screams of everyone around us but they were all in the background. My only focus was Jude. His hands on my cheeks, his lips on mine, our bodies pressed together. When we pulled apart there was a moment before the world rushed in again. We exchanged a glance. There wasn't anyone here that we needed to stick around for. I nodded to the exit and he nodded back. Right then nobody else mattered.
I don't know how we got past all of the press that was standing around itching for a story. I only knew that when I could breathe again we were in Jude's car driving away. He had the biggest smile on his face. I had one too. Right now it felt like all the adrenaline from winning the game had doubled. This was our moment and I wanted to enjoy it. I tried not to think about what would happen when it wore off. From time to time he'd look at me like he couldn't believe I was still there. It made it all worth it.
Jude was driving faster than he usually did. Normally he was focused on driving the speed limit and obeying all the traffic signs. That was almost suicidal in LA. It had been a waste getting him a Porsche if he never used it to its full potential. Now he was driving like he didn't have the weight of the world on his shoulders.
"Did you see Lionel's face?" he asked. "She's gonna be so pissed at me for not telling her." He continued talking. All I could think of was the quick glimpse I'd had of Jelena. She'd been shocked but that hadn't lasted long. This had given her an easy way to get back at me. She didn't have to attack me at all. She could hurt Jude. He was a much easier target. It's what I would have done if I were in her place. I'd have to dig up something I could hold over her quickly or she'd ruin everything. I pushed those thoughts aside for later.
"What do you want to do now?" I asked.
He took a second to figure it out. "I want to go get drinks." There was a pause after he said it where I could tell he was waiting for me to say no like I had every time he'd asked before. I almost did out of reflex. At Devil's Arena when I had a drink with him I always pretended it was just business. Out here, out in public, it meant more.
"Really? Wouldn't you rather go back to your apartment and celebrate?" I reached out and touched his thigh. The car jerked as he struggled to maintain control. He glared at me.
"We can do that too. But I want to do this first," he said firmly. I could almost see him running down a mental checklist of things normal people did that he wanted to do with me. I had a list of things I wanted to do with him too, but mine was shorter and could have all been done in one room.
"Fine. But can I get changed? I don't think they're gonna let me in like this." In our rush to leave I hadn't done much more than grab my bag from the locker room and get into his car.
After a quick stop at his apartment we wound up at some bar Jude said he'd always wanted to take me to. I think a part of me knew this might be the last time we could go out somewhere without someone recognizing us and making a big deal about it. It explained why he was so dead set on getting drinks right now. He'd figured that out as soon as we'd left the arena. Knowing Jude he'd probably figured that out months ago.
For once I didn't give a shit about who saw us and what we were doing. I grabbed his hand and held it out on top of the table where people could see. I kissed him once the waiter left. I told myself I was doing it all for him but a part of me enjoyed it too. The part of me that wasn't screaming in my head that I was making a huge mistake. There was no way anyone was going to take me seriously now. Everything I'd worked so hard to build was going to vanish in an instant.
The people at the bar either weren't sports fans or were paid well enough that they kept their mouths shut. Once we were in a booth no one gave us a second glance. Except for a woman who'd had a few too many. She stumbled past our table on the way to the bathroom. When she saw me she lurched closer."Hey, aren't you that basketball player?" She looked like she was struggling to place me. "Zero?"
"No, but I get that a lot. Name's Gideon." I gave her an easy smile. She kept on staring at me but eventually was satisfied and continued on her way.
Jude was shaking his head. "You are so full of shit."
"What? I wasn't lying. That's my name." After all the crap he'd given me about being honest about who I was I thought he'd be more understanding.
"So is that what you're going to go by now?"
"No," I said, louder and stronger than I intended. I braced myself for a conversation about Gideon, a man I barely even knew anymore. I'd been Zero for so long I'd almost forgotten what my real name even was. All I knew is whoever that person was it wasn't me. I avoided looking at him. "Not yet." Not ever.
The way he narrowed his eyes at me it was clear at some point we'd have to talk about it. Not today. He leaned over and kissed me. It was different than earlier at the arena. It wasn't a desperate kiss after months of nothing. This one was quiet and short.
"When I was talking about being together what happened tonight wasn't exactly what I had in mind," he said carefully, as if it was a test. Lately just trying to talk to him had become a minefield. I was never sure what was going to set him off or push him away. Everything I did was wrong.
"I got carried away." Really I should have just told him Lucas was an asshole and wasn't showing up. It would have pushed things back to where they had been before with both of us circling each other waiting to make a move. But something had come over me and I'd acted before thinking it through. That hadn't happened in a long time. I stared at the ice melting at the bottom of my glass. "What would you have wanted?"
"We could have gone out to dinner, on a real date. Like normal people do." His eyes were focused on his glass in front of him. "We could have been out in public together. I wouldn't have to feel like you were ashamed to be seen with me." He smirked. "I should have figured you'd do something dramatic."
"Maybe I didn't realize what I was missing out on until tonight."
"Was Lucas mad when you told him not to come?" Jude asked on the drive back to his apartment.
I had to figure out something to say fast or this would all fall apart. I kept my eyes focused on the road ahead, hoping that Jude would believe everything I said. "Yeah, he looked real disappointed," I said. "I think you broke his heart." Lucas probably didn't even have a heart to break. With most people I didn't have one either. It made it easier to deal with them if you didn't care.
Jude laughed. "I don't think so." We stopped at a red light and he looked at me. For a second I saw that lost look he'd had on the court when he was waiting for Lucas. "It...it was flattering but I don't think he actually understood anything I said. He kept on looking at me like there was something wrong with me."
I almost asked him why he'd slept with Lucas then. I could have guessed the answer. A chance at a normal relationship had been standing right in front of him, of course he was going to go for it. For a moment I regretted not punching Lucas in the face when I had a chance. "There's nothing wrong with you. You know that right?" I couldn't look at him.
The light turned green. The car didn't move. I finally turned to him. He was still looking at me. "You really mean that?" he asked quietly.
"Have I ever acted like I think there is?" A sad smile was the only response I got.
I'd been Lucas. I'd had one night stands where the person I was with wanted to make it more. I'd been the guy ducking out of having to face an awkward conversation the next day. It was easier to make things clear up front that I didn't want a relationship. Better to keep them from getting their hopes up than dealing with the crying and disappointment later. Relationships were just a distraction. Any kind of relationship was complicated- romantic ones, business ones, friendship. They were messy. They hurt. It was better to avoid them all together.
This thing with Jude was different. It had crept up on me. I'd had agents before. None of them had actually cared about me except for the money I could make them. I couldn't think of any of them that would have actually listened to me that night in the limo without laughing or yelling at me for screwing up a good thing. Not Jude. Jude acted like he cared. I knew he really did even before he kissed me. I could have called him any hour of the day and he would have answered and paid attention to whatever I had to say.
He wasn't after money or power like everyone else I'd been with. If he'd wanted that he could have gotten it on his own. For whatever reason he wanted me. He was interested in me. It had been a long time since I could say that about anyone. It had been a long time since I'd wanted that from anyone.
The feeling of kissing him at the game still hadn't worn off by the time we got back to his apartment. He still had a stupid smile on his face. I'm sure I did too. I could see his answering machine on the side table was full of messages. I didn't have to look at my cellphone to guess that it would be full of texts and voicemails. That was all something to deal with tomorrow.
It didn't take long for us to head for the bedroom. That night in the closet hadn't done anything to lessen my desire for him. And the way he was grabbing on to me I didn't think his had either.
His bedroom was dark. I could make out his bed in the middle of the room. For a moment my mind pictured Lucas there. I pushed that thought away. Instead I focused on getting Jude's tie off and unbuttoning his shirt. He was pulling off my clothes too, throwing them across the room like he didn't care. Through it all we kissed each other like we had the first time. I kissed his neck, gently biting and sucking my way around it. His hands dug into my back. We'd definitely have marks tomorrow. He pushed me down onto the bed. I let him. I'd let him do a lot of things today because it was what he wanted. He had a way of convincing me to do things I wouldn't have done with anyone else.
Jude was standing in between my legs. He pushed me on my back on the bed and leaned down over me, kissing my chest. I held him. I held his hand when it got close, grabbed his arm when he pulled away. We were still half-dressed and fumbling with each other's pants. I couldn't help gasping when he finally got my belt unbuckled and reached inside. His hand was cold. I shivered as it skimmed over my skin. He did it again just to prove he could. My hands were busy trying to reach underneath his belt.
Finally he pulled away and stood up. "This is taking too long," he said as he took off the rest of his clothes. I couldn't argue with him. I took off everything else I was wearing, the whole time watching him stare at me. Jude swallowed heavily. He wasn't good at being subtle about what he wanted. It was one of the things I liked about him. I could never turn down an appreciative audience.
After I tossed the last of my clothes to the floor he pushed me back down on the bed, his hands holding my arms down. I tried to move my head up to kiss him but he stayed just out of reach. All I wanted to do was touch him. He still had that smile on his face from earlier.
Before I could do anything he leaned down and kissed me. He ground his body down onto mine. The sudden contact after nothing nearly made me come right then. Jude wasn't doing much better, I could feel him pressing against me. My hands were still pinned down or else I would have reached for him. The constant contact was nice but I wasn't sure how long I could stand it. My body ached for him to do something more. He seemed happy to keep on kissing me. I could feel his heart beating in his chest as it touched mine.
When he finally moved and let my hands go I let them settle on his back, holding him down. Our cocks were touching but not enough to do anything. I didn't know if he was trying to make a point out of this denial-anytime we'd had sex before it was always as if the world was going to end in five minutes and there wasn't time for anything else. Maybe this was another thing Jude wanted, another thing that was normal. And that was on my list too. I'd come to realize I wanted to spend time with him like this and learn every inch of his skin. I kept quiet. I met each of his kisses with one of my own. I didn't care if he took the lead.
When his hand finally trailed down my chest and then circled my cock I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out. I covered his hand with mine. Eventually I couldn't keep on kissing him. It felt like I was going to explode. I closed my eyes and let the pleasure wash over me. When I opened them again Jude was watching me with a faint smile on his face. I could barely keep my eyes open, the adrenaline from earlier was wearing off.
Jude got up and left me lying on his bed for a few minutes. I didn't have the energy to move. It took a while for all of the echoes of my orgasm to work their way out of my body. When he came back he cleaned my chest off and then looked at me expectantly. "You're not tired already, are you?" he asked, climbing back into bed.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "You'd have to do a lot more than that." Slowly I got onto my hands and knees and faced the window behind his bed. He'd closed the shades. I could almost imagine some enterprising paparazzi scaling the fence outside and taking pictures. They'd get an eyeful.
Jude didn't let me have much time to dwell on those thoughts. He ran his fingers down my back. The fact that I couldn't see what he was going to do added an element of surprise to the whole thing. He followed his fingers with his tongue. I'd been ready to fall asleep a few minutes ago but now everything started to wake up again. My hands clutched onto the sheets. He pulled back, leaving me wanting. "Jude, come on," I said. My voice didn't sound like my own. He kissed the center of my back.
The next thing I knew he was slowly working a lube covered finger into my entrance. There was a slight edge of pain but I still pushed back against him, knowing it would get better. He waited until I'd relaxed and then added another. This time pleasure started to mix with the pain. I started to get hard and moved one of my hands down to grab my cock. Jude moved it away. If he wanted control that was fine, we'd get to the same place anyway. The balance between pleasure and pain didn't start shifting over to pure pleasure until he added three fingers, working them in and out so slowly I thought each time was going to be the last. I didn't have enough leverage to push back. He didn't seem like he was in any hurry.
He entered me slowly, waiting for me to adjust before moving again. His hands settled on my hips then he started an awkward rhythm of in and out. I closed my eyes and bit back a moan. Jude was gasping above me, his whole world the feeling of the two of us together. He kissed the back of my neck again. His lips were hot against my skin. I tried to meet his every thrust as best I could but my hands kept on slipping in the sheets. It was hard to think straight. Any worries I had about the fallout from kissing him were far away.
Everything started building toward another release. Jude's hand moved from its spot on my hip down to my cock. Mine joined his. I moved against him, trying to meet his body with mine. I wanted to hold on as long as I could, but that was almost impossible. "Fuck Jude," I hissed as he kept going with no signs of stopping.
Finally he stopped, shuddering against me before laying on top of me. I didn't make it much longer after that. I collapsed into the sheets, the effort to stay upright too much even for me. He pulled out of me slowly and laid on the bed next to me. I didn't have the energy to move or think anymore. Neither of us said anything. Neither of us wanted to ruin this like the last time. That could come tomorrow.
When I woke up the next morning Jude was already awake. He was sitting up with his hands around his knees. His cellphone was on the bed in front of him. From time to time the screen would light up with notifications. His face was blank. "Tell me you got some sleep last night," I said, sitting up next to him.
He laughed to himself. "Am I that predictable?"
"Maybe." I pointed at the cellphone. "How many messages?" I didn't want to think about how many were on mine. It was at the bottom of my gym bag and right now it could stay there.
"Enough." He rubbed at his eyes. "Most of them are from Lionel. She wants to have a press conference. For you to make a statement." He pushed his phone onto the floor with his foot. It landed with a thud on the carpet. "And one from Lucas. He said congratulations." I hoped that was all it said.
"Why do I need to make a statement? Wasn't kissing you enough?" That old fear awoke, the fear of being trapped and exposed, of losing any control I had over my life. The thing with the escorts had only been a small taste of what it was like to be powerless again, to not know what to expect.
Jude looked uncomfortable. He stared forward like I would disappear if he looked at me. He chose his words carefully, as if one wrong word could ruin everything. "Lionel said if you talk...if we talk about it then they won't have any reason to bother us." If there was someone whose scheming I could appreciate it was Lionel. So far it seemed like she was being a good friend to Jude, she at least tried to look out for him in her own way. "She said if you don't work with them then they'll just keep digging until they get something. The sooner they get tired of us the sooner things can go back to normal." The way he said it made it clear that that was all he wanted, for us to be a regular couple just like anyone else.
On the surface Jude's goals were a lot simpler than mine. He was lonely and he wanted someone to be there for him. As my dreams got taken away one by one-being MVP, being team captain-I could see the appeal of having someone by my side who would be there no matter how well I played. It didn't mean I was going to stop trying. I was going to be the star on the team no matter what. I would just have to travel a different path to get there.
The muscles in Jude's jaw tightened. He was waiting for me to disagree with him. He was waiting for me to disappoint him yet again. His eyes closed. It would have been easy to do. This could be dismissed as a mistake and something that would never happen again. Yet another phase I was going through. It wouldn't change the fact that it was all out in the open and could hurt someone who I cared about. But the thing that made me most vulnerable could also be a source of strength. It wouldn't be just me trying to take down Terence and Jelena, it wouldn't be just Jude trying to keep Oscar from ruining everything. I hadn't been doing very well accomplishing my goals by myself, maybe it was time to let someone else in and see what we could do together.
"Do you think we should do it?" I asked after the silence had stretched out.
Jude nodded. He still wouldn't look at me. "It's not going to be easy."
"Then we'd better get it over with."