I do not own Glee. Or Puck for that matter.
Noah Puckerman had reached the breaking point. He was beyond the point of being saved. And to be honest, he didn't really care. He didn't care that he wasn't ever going to get better. Didn't care that there would never be a time where he wasn't covered in bruises, and cuts, and scars. Didn't care that no one was ever going to love him. He just didn't care.
And that was why he smiled. That was why he kept it all a secret. Hidden. He didn't care enough to try and get help. And they certainly didn't care enough to help him. They all showed that they didn't care. At all.
Mr. Shue would always love Finn more than himself.
Shelby would always use him.
Santana would never help him.
Finn would always judge him for his mistakes.
Quinn would never think anything of him.
His mother would never care about him.
And Kurt would never love him.
His mother stopped caring right after his father left. She blamed him for it all. She beat him for it all. He couldn't even remember the last time she was sober. And the punches and the kicks didn't hurt anymore. Not even the words anymore. The words of disgust and hatred. He didn't feel them anymore. But he wasn't strong enough to hit her back. He wasn't strong enough to say anything back. He wasn't strong enough to tell anyone. Because his heart was too big. His broken heart was too filled with love to say, "Stop." And if they really cared about him, they would notice, right? But they didn't. So he just became numb. A numb, smiling figure.
But he pretended he was ok. Because he always knew that someone had it worse then him. But, he wondered, how could it get any worse than this? How could it get any worse than not wanting to live? How could it get any worse than not caring about anything?
Because he didn't care about graduating.
He didn't care about cutting.
He didn't even care about living anymore.
Because none of it mattered.
None of it mattered when his mother didn't want him. None of it mattered when he didn't have friends that cared about him. None of it mattered when it was Blaine who was in Kurt's arms.
He remembered the day that he came out as bi. His mother just gave him a few choice words, a broken rib and walked away. Mike handed Santana a twenty dollar bill. Brittany asked Blaine what it meant, confused. Tina, Artie and Rachel gave him supporting smiles. Rory, Sam, Sugar, and Quinn's mouths dropped to the floor. Finn looked angry, as if he was mad Puck didn't trust him enough to tell him sooner. Mercedes told him to watch his ass. And Kurt just stared. And Puck stared back. Wanting some kind of response from the boy he loved so much, only to get nothing in return. Mr. Shue told him that they would all help him get through this rough time. And you know how they helped him?
By doing absolutely nothing.
They just moved on with their lives.
As Puck was beaten.
And called worthless.
And told he was nothing.
And beaten.
But he didn't even care. Because if they didn't care enough to help him, then he didn't want their help. He didn't want their looks and words of comfort. He didn't want their support. Because if they didn't have his back, then he sure as hell didn't have theirs.
So he smiled. And he hid in the back row. As he hid the bruises. And the scars. And the disappointment. And the hurt. And as he sat there, in the toxic environment of hate, he wondered why he stayed.
He didn't stay because he loved performing. He didn't love any of it anymore. He didn't stay because he would be leaving them a member short if he left. He didn't care about screwing those assholes over. He didn't even stay because it help him with his emotions. Those were all gone. He stayed because he was lonely, without Kurt. Without Kurt in his life, he probably would have been gone months ago.
But Kurt was also the reason why he cut.
It wasn't his mom.
Or Shelby.
Or Finn.
Or Santana.
Or Quinn.
It was Kurt. Because as much as he hated the proud singer. As much as he felt the raging fire fill his heart. And the plaguing darkness overcome his brain. He loved him so damn much. So much that he couldn't live if he was told he wasn't loved back. So he kept it a secret. And he hid that secret behind a smile.
But when he got home, into his room. He cried. And he cut. And he screamed. He screamed because he didn't care. He screamed because he didn't feel. He screamed because he wasn't loved. And he watched as the blood oozed out of his veins. It was as if all of the pain and anger and sadness were leaving his body. And he repeated the crying and the screaming and the cutting every day, until his mom found out. She found the razor and the cuts and the scars. And she stared at him.
And he was sure that the look on her face would plague his nightmares.
He didn't remember anything. All he could remember was a blur of pain and tears. And darkness. So much darkness. And he remembers waking up to his sister's screams. But he didn't care what she saw. He just wanted it to be over. He wanted to be gone so badly. But then he saw the flashing lights. And he saw the blurbs of red and blue. And he knew that his wish wouldn't be granted. He knew that he was going to wake up and have to face everything. Face everyone. Face Kurt. And this time, he couldn't hide it with a grin, or a laugh, or a smile. He was going to have to tell them everything. And he wasn't ready for that. So he stayed asleep. He stayed in this dark oblivion because he never wanted to wake up. He didn't want to see their faces. Their looks of disappointment. But mostly, he didn't want to see Kurt's face. Because even if he didn't care, he wasn't afraid of showing it.
But then he heard this sweet voice. A voice that could only come from someone who could care. Someone who could love him. So he opened his eyes to see. Who was it that cared about him? And it was Kurt who was sitting there. Tears building up in his eyes.
"He's awake…" Kurt whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek.
"Wha...What...Hap...Happe...Happened?" Noah slurred out.
"Not now...just sleep." Kurt said in his sweet voice, as he grabbed Noah's hand. Noah looked down the bandages on his wrists at it as Kurt laced his fingers in his own. Noah let a suppressed sob shake through his body.
"What's wrong...Are you hurt...Noah?" And it took a whole minute of contemplating for Noah to say these words.
"Do...Do you...Do you care about...Me?" Noah asked through the sobbing. And Kurt squeezed his hand tighter as another tear made it's way down his face.
"Noah, I care so much that it...that it hurts me to see you in so much pain." And he was close to hysterical as he rubbed his thumb on the back of Noah's hand. And Noah looked around and let go of his hand in a panic.
"But...but...Blaine…"
"We broke up. He seemed to think that him getting some pleasure was more important than you in here. And we got into a fight and I broke it off."
"But…"
"I guess, I never really loved him anyway...I was just hiding from the one I really love."
"Who...Who's that?" Noah asked, his face dropping.
"Oh, well, he's amazing. He has the most beautiful eyes, and a gorgeous body. But that's not why I love him...I...I love him because...because there is so much love in his heart, so much unreturned love, that it...it hurts to see him so lonely and sad. It hurts me, so much to see him so broken, yet still pretending he's happy. But I don't think there's really anything I can do. He won't love me back. Not now. Not ever, I suppose."
"Who is it?" Noah gasps between shallow,angry, sad breaths. And suddenly, Kurt leans down and he kisses Noah, so passionately, so deeply, that everything fades. All of the pain is replaced The whiteness of the room now turns to black, dark space, and it's only Kurt and Noah. And they're kissing. And it feels so good. And then Kurt breaks it off. And Noah starts to sob again as Kurt starts to leave the room and is replaced by doctors. But Noah does hear him say one thing as Kurt is pushed out and he blacks out.
"It's you Noah."
And Noah smiles.
A real smile.
Because that's all Noah needed to hear.
A/N: Please, Please, Please review. They really help. Even if it's just a smile. :)