Fraud!
Circa 1986
Ginny Barton was full of hate.
It wasn't surprising, after all. She was the model student, the perfect Catholic schoolgirl (unlike that spastic freak Mary Gallagher), and the paragon of feminine grace and politeness.
That is, to everyone but Enid. Enid the Church Lady. The only time Ginny ever sinned was when she thought of that caustic, belittling woman. How could she be so stubborn, so single-minded and repressed? Enid always thought Ginny was off sleeping with someone – it didn't matter if she was helping a homeless family move into a new apartment given to them by the church, or if she was feeding her boyfriend's invalid mother. Somehow Enid always brought it back to sex.
Ginny wished Enid would die. And then she'd beg God's forgiveness. THEN she'd ask Him to smite Enid where she stood.
The blonde, perky Ginny was getting ready to reappear on Church Chat, Enid's special little television show where she humiliated everyone who came within a five-foot radius of her by accusing them of being animalistic barbarians obsessed with sex. There was, indeed, a common theme to most of Enid's personal relationships. Ginny ran a finger around a lock of her hair, staring into space, thinking of how she should combat whatever Enid had to tell her that day. Ginny did this often. But when confronted, Ginny had a tendency to… what's the word…? Collapse. She'd be left to babble about how none of it was true. But today would be different. Today, Ginny Barton, National Bible Student of the Year, would stand up for herself and take the Church Lady down, with nothing but her mind!
And then she'd pray for God's forgiveness while secretly relishing her victory.
Ginny nodded to no one in particular, adjusting her housedress discreetly before stepping towards the edge of the stage. Enid was already there, and as soon as the crazy old woman noticed Ginny, she glared at her.
"You're late," Enid sneered.
"I… It took me a bit longer than usual to… to get here," Ginny finally spat out, aware that she was playing directly into the Church Lady's hands. That bespectacled, gray-haired witch! Ginny folded her hands together nervously, staring at the edge of Enid's purple, tent-like housedress.
"So apparently we only fulfill engagements when they're con-veeen-ient," Enid retorted. Ginny bit her lip.
"There was traffic," Ginny weakly protested. She figured Enid couldn't get anything nasty out of that.
Enid blinked. "Oh. Sit down, Miss Barton."
Ginny did as told. She pressed the folds of her dress with her hands, thinking of some way to get back at Enid for all those times she humiliated her in front of everyone. Enid was eyeing her in a very curious manner.
"Miss Barton, is there a reason you're acting like a hippie on the influence of the substances that make you act like filthy beastmasters?" Enid asked pointedly.
Ginny jumped a bit in her seat before narrowing her eyes. "I was lost in thought."
"Thought about what?"
Here we go, Ginny thought sullenly.
"What kind of naughty little things were you really doing? Stuck in traffic, I'm sure!" Enid exclaimed. "Your face all red and sweaty and your little naughty parts engorged as your –"
"I was thinking about fraud," Ginny blurted out.
…That was brilliant. NOW what, Ginny? How are you going to explain this to the reigning pervert queen?
Enid lifted an eyebrow confusedly.
"Fraud," she echoed, not convinced at all.
"…Yeah. I mean, with the whole Jim Bakker issue… I didn't quite understand the whole idea," Ginny said, stumbling over her words. As she said it, she felt her face redden. What was there not to get? It was FRAUD. Ginny felt even worse than she usually did near Enid. Soon Enid would call her out on her bizarre behavior, link it to sex, and completely humiliate her, as usual.
Ginny was determined to not let that happen.
"What is there to not understand? The blood really has left your brain," Enid muttered. "Someone possessed Bakker… I'm sure you know him quite well by now, seeing as you give in to his advances almost daily."
Not going in a good direction – not going right at ALL!
"But Church Lady, what I don't understand is the word itself," Ginny corrected herself. "I believe the word was… fraudulent. I don't quite understand what the word fraudulent means."
Ginny could not believe she was –
"So, you aren't a bimbo, then?" Enid snidely noted. Ginny turned even redder, knowing exactly who Enid was referring to.
"I am NOT –"
"I bet your good friend Jessica Hahn is helping you out with your excuses while you run all over the city, indulging in puerile nastiness and guaranteeing your eternal damnation," Enid ranted.
Ginny frowned visibly. "Just because I'm a bit slow doesn't mean I'm a slut!"
Enid quickly closed her mouth, the corner of her lip visibly twitching.
"I just want to know what fraudulent means," Ginny said, still flush with embarrassment.
Enid leaned back in
her chair, visibly shaken by Ginny's henceforth unseen anger. She
adjusted her glasses and sighed.
"Fraudulent is… deceptive.
Deceitful," Enid said languidly.
"Like you?"
It was out before Ginny had a chance to stop it. She covered her mouth – delayed reaction – and her eyes widened in fear and horror. She'd actually done it. Gotten back at Enid. It was so obvious – Enid WAS a fraud. She spewed her own repressed sexual garbage onto her guests, and shamed them into babbling! Just like she'd done with Ginny all those times, just like she'd done with everyone else! How could Ginny have missed THAT?!
Now Enid's eye was twitching along with her lip.
Ginny let her hands fall, realizing just what she'd done. Revenge wasn't as sweet as she pictured it.
"Whatever could you mean?" Enid sounded like she was going to strangle Ginny. Ginny, to be safe, scooted herself a bit farther away from Enid, hands and arms shaking.
"You… you have your holier-than-thou attitude," Ginny accused in a lilting, scared tone. Something was driving her forward, despite the fact that she was about ready to wet herself in fear. "You're supposed to be so pure, a bastion of propriety."
"Which I am, so –"
"And yet you project all your filthy vices onto whoever comes near you," Ginny alleged, her voice growing shakier yet louder. "You shame them into begging for forgiveness, when it should be YOU who asks for help… it should be you, you… you… hypocrite!"
I'm in for it now.
Ginny gripped the armrest of her couch, trembling all over. Hypocrite. She'd called it. She'd called it, all right. And she'd probably be found dead in a dumpster in a few days. Ginny paled.
"Hypocrite?" Enid whispered, livid.
"Yes. Hypocrite," Ginny breathed, shaking so hard her chest threatened to cave in. "Think about it. Why would anyone accuse everyone they ever meet of being sex-obsessed monsters?"
"Because that 'anyone' is disgusted by the inner workings of the mind," Enid said coldly. Ginny's mouth opened slightly as she darted off the couch, now a safe distance from Enid.
"You disgust yourself, then?" Ginny questioned.
Enid stood up.
"WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH WHAT FRAUDULENT IS, GINNIFER BARTON?!"
Ginny prepared to retort, but the words were taken from her. She stared at Enid, her entire frame quivering. She folded her hands together, and for some reason, a tear began to cloud her right eye.
"…Nothing, it has nothing to do with fraud," Ginny admitted painfully. "…I think I've sinned."
Turns out I can shame myself pretty well.
Enid smiled, her wicked, hypocritical, evil smile. Ginny felt her stomach burble.
"Well, let's see,
who can we blame for that?" Enid sneered. "Could it
be…?"
Myself. You. This life. This whacked-out church.
"…SATAN?!"
Or that.
"Well, Ginny, sit down. Maybe it's time we had a chat about your overactive imagination." Enid beckoned back to the couch near her desk, and Ginny, defeated, sat down on the couch.
God… I've sinned. Please forgive me for not thinking my plans through.
Because if I had thought them through, she'd've ended up with shit on her face and I would've emerged victorious.
"So, Ginny. Since I'm just a little bit superior to you, I shall do my Superior Dance."
Ginny, against all odds, smiled as Enid danced around the stage. The smile turned into a little giggle, one Ginny had to hold down with her hands.
"Oh, this has everything to do with what fraudulent is," Ginny whispered, so Enid wouldn't hear her.
Even if Ginny had lost the argument, she'd won in her own mind.
Enid was no more than a fraud.
-fin-
A/N: So, the ending to this fic is a bit weak, I think. But my tireless beta, Rachelprue, and I went through at least four other endings, and this was the best one. I had fun writing the story itself – the ending was a nightmare…
A/N 2: For all those who weren't born during this era of SNL: Church Lady was part of a talk-show sketch called Church Chat. The Church Lady, or Enid Strict, was played by Dana Carvey, while Ginny Barton was played by Victoria Jackson. Phil Hartman turned up in a lot of these sketches as random ministers and celebrities.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own SNL or Church Lady. Unfortunately, that was before my time.