Title: Fiona's Lament

Genre: Television

Series: Burn Notice

Characters: Fiona

Spoilers: Season One

Rating: PG

Summary: Some of Fiona's thoughts on the decisions she's made.

Author's Note: Much love to my beta, who never ceases to amaze me in the horrors she faces for me. And by horrors, I mean my unbeta-ed work.

I came to Miami because the idea of not doing so never crossed my mind. From the second I received the mysterious call (untraceable and voice-disguised) telling of Michael's condition and circumstances, and where he could be found, it never occurred to me to leave the situation alone. I never thought of abandoning him the way he abandoned me.

I don't imagine it was easy for him to leave me, we'd spent several months romantically and professionally entangled. I'm familiar enough with the espionage business to know that when a spy's cover has been blown, they have to run. They have no choice.

That's a recurring theme in our relationship. The choices we make, the choices made for us, the choices we don't really have.

Sometimes I find myself staring at him, wondering what he's thinking, what he's thought in the past. Did he think of me while he was on a plane out of Ireland? Did he realize that his disappearance affected me profoundly? I doubt it, I really do. Sometimes I think that if I'm out of his sight too long, he doesn't think of me at all.

It's because he can be so single-minded, so entirely focused on the task at hand. I don't fault him for it, at one point I was attracted to it. I was attracted to the passion that boiled under his cool eyes, the tension in his muscles at all times, always ready for combat, ready for love-making, ready for anything and everything.

That readiness is all a part of his shield. Even his single-mindedness and stubbornness are a part of the shield he's created. He uses it to keep himself separate from people, emotionally and physically. I know from personal experience that that shield, so strong and unbreakable, does not come down. At any time.

It's his conscious choice to keep his shield.

Again with the choices.

After he left, I chose not to tell the people I worked for anything. I chose to endure everything they did to me, everything they did to the people I loved, my family and my friends. I chose to remain quiet even though I didn't know anything. When Michael leaves, he well and truly leaves. No fingerprints, no clothes, no hair, not even his scent in the air.

The only thing I had left of him were my memories, and I didn't intend to give them up.

I chose to leave Ireland because I had no choice. I couldn't protect the people I loved, so I sought out a place where I wouldn't have to. I traveled Europe, took a side-trip into Northern Africa, and for years I kept my ears open. I waited for news of him, for a connection, for a glimpse. As only appropriate of such a well trained spy, I heard nothing.

I chose to keep waiting.

Free will and choices are always partnered with regret.

I say I came to Miami because I didn't have a choice, but it's not true. I could've stayed away. Maybe if I'd made a conscious decision not to go to him it might've ended things once and for all. Closure, after all these years.

Sometimes I think that Michael is with me simply because I gave him no other choice.

I chased him in Ireland. I saw something I wanted and in true "Fiona"-style, I went after it. I flirted, I seduced, and I pulled him over that perilous cliff of lust/love with me. I've never been one for only giving part of myself, for being half-in, half-out of situations. I go all in because it's the only thing I've ever done.

Here, in Miami, I'm starting to see more of myself than I've cared to see in years.

I'd like to say its natural growth, but it's because of Michael. I see myself reflected in his eyes, or more often than not, his sunglasses, and I'm not sure I like what I see.

If Michael had a choice, if someone forced him to make a choice, would he choose me?

The truth is...

No. He wouldn't.

And I choose to stay, even knowing that.

Review, please.